Great life, great wife, but I'm unhappy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Again, you have three little kids, one of whom is a toddler. It makes sense that you don’t have much space and free time now. Make sure you and your wife both get breaks, but realize this is part of the season of life you are in.

And get a vasectomy if you haven’t already, seriously.

Yep, the kids are definitely finished!

So I do get quite regular breaks as my wife is from out of town so will visit her family for a week in school holidays while I stay back for work. When they're gone I don't miss them and turn into a slob, playing video games in my underwear. It's always chaos when they return and the change back into normal routines usually throws me into these depressive episodes.

My wife on the other hand, never gets these sorts of breaks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you ever get time away? For example, do you travel on business?

What I find useful (I'm a guy) is I go on a trip once a year with some of my male friends, all who are married and also with kids. Just a long weekend to some other city, but it's a nice break and also the male bonding is good. Research has shown that men seem to prefer friendships where they get a large dose of being with their friends, and that tides them over for a long time. Women prefer small does but constantly. It's why (at least in my experience) guys don't call their friends just to chat.

Do you have friends? Go out with them every 2-3 weeks.

Yes I have a small group of very close friends and I'm always conscious that I should make more effort with them.

A few months ago I went away for a week and it was hard at first, being away from my kids, but then it turned out great and I didn't want to return home to my wife.

[Anonymous]

Life isn't about you, it's about the kids you are supposed to raise. Knock off the me me me and eat some ice cream, put on your daddy pants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your feelings are normal, but selfish and immature.

You’re a father now and everything you do will impact your children and how they navigate their own relationships. The time for exploring possibilities is over. The good news is that few women would be as tolerant of your wife, so enjoy that.

+1. Come on dude. You are a father now. Man up and take care of your family. I feel sorry for your DW and kids.

Yes this. Your wife sounds good for you? Maybe midlife crisis? I mean you will likely leave, marry again, have 2 more kids, get depressed and anxious, ad nauseum. I saw my parents do this. No happier 2nd time around. But I sure do have a lot of siblings, step siblings, half siblings. My Dad died young and stepMom got house, life insurance, etc. Their child has many issues due to loss. Anyway, bear this in mind.

[Anonymous]

You would not be happier on your own. You'd just have the depressive episodes and the discontent would attach itself to something else, probably your kids, your job, or your current girlfriend.

That's what you have to remember: you have depression. You get depressed 3-4 times a year. In the past, you'd blow up your life (new woman -- ever new job/new location?). Now, you're thinking about doing the same thing by moving for two years. Do that. Don't leave your wife. Get used to the fact that you have major depression, and you can't trust the voices in your head during depressive episodes.

And for the love of god, find a therapist that isn't trying to help you work through the content of your discontent, but is instead trying to help you minimize the length of these episodes.

FWIW, it also sounds like you could use a more gradual reintroduction to family mode after they've been away. Figure that out, too. Maybe it means that every single time you hire someone off of care.com to come for two days and do all of the laundry, help clean up from your week of sloth, cook for everyone, and just generally make the transition easier. Maybe it means something else, like daycare right after they return. Figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once you choose to have 3 kids, your happiness (and navel gazing) needs to take a backseat to their stability and well being.

This, OP, a thousand times.

You don't have the luxury of being "unhappy" in this situation. You made your bed when you made these kids. Now lie in it, and thank your lucky stars that you have the blessings of a great wife and the good communication that you say that you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Again, you have three little kids, one of whom is a toddler. It makes sense that you don’t have much space and free time now. Make sure you and your wife both get breaks, but realize this is part of the season of life you are in.

And get a vasectomy if you haven’t already, seriously.

Yep, the kids are definitely finished!

So I do get quite regular breaks as my wife is from out of town so will visit her family for a week in school holidays while I stay back for work. When they're gone I don't miss them and turn into a slob, playing video games in my underwear. It's always chaos when they return and the change back into normal routines usually throws me into these depressive episodes.

My wife on the other hand, never gets these sorts of breaks.

Feeling worse for your wife. Kudos to her for sticking with you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You would not be happier on your own. You'd just have the depressive episodes and the discontent would attach itself to something else, probably your kids, your job, or your current girlfriend.

I know in my heart this is true. Someone said to me once... you can keep going through this pattern and end up with multiple kids with multiple women, who all resent you.

[Anonymous]

Can you build in more space and freedom into your current life? Are you spending too much time with your family? I’m a DW and mom of two young kids and a couple times a year or so I go away with a friends or alone for a few days. DH is welcome to do the same, or go out with his friends when he wants, and I make sure to give him plenty of alone time. One day when we move out of our apt we’ll build a cottage in the backyard so DH or I can use it for solitude.

On the weekends, we try to split up the childcare so each person gets time alone. Would any of this make you happier?

[Anonymous]

How do people like you end up with THREE kids?! Kids don't just happen to you. Crazy.

[Anonymous]

You feel trapped being with your wife. So what I wonder is, what does being married prevent you from doing that you'd like to do? In what ways does your wife hold you back?

Would you enjoy coming home to an empty house where nobody is happy to see you?
Would you enjoy having to cook ALL your own meals?
Would you enjoy seeing something funny on tv and having nobody to share it with?
Would you enjoy meeting minor surgery and not being able to count on your wife taking you home and making sure your recovery goes well?
Would you enjoy being sick and having to drag yourself out for tissues and soup and such?
Would you enjoy going to someone else's wedding without a date?

Companionship counts for a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do people like you end up with THREE kids?! Kids don't just happen to you. Crazy.

The other two were planned. I haven't felt like this ALL the time. It's just something that's started happening the last 3 years on an up/down basis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you build in more space and freedom into your current life? Are you spending too much time with your family? I’m a DW and mom of two young kids and a couple times a year or so I go away with a friends or alone for a few days. DH is welcome to do the same, or go out with his friends when he wants, and I make sure to give him plenty of alone time. One day when we move out of our apt we’ll build a cottage in the backyard so DH or I can use it for solitude.

On the weekends, we try to split up the childcare so each person gets time alone. Would any of this make you happier?

I feel like I get enough alone time at work. And my work is my real passion. I also go to the gym most days, so I get plenty of time to myself. More is always good.

[Anonymous]

You are chasing a mirage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You feel trapped being with your wife. So what I wonder is, what does being married prevent you from doing that you'd like to do? In what ways does your wife hold you back?

She doesn't do anything to hold me back. The issues I have are self-imposed. I feel a lot of guilt all the time for being quite selfish and not fully engaging with my family enough, but perhaps I do the same or more than most people?

Otherwise really it's just the greener grass thing. There could be someone more engaging, prettier, funnier, smarter, taller, which I know makes me sound like a jerk.