Great life, great wife, but I'm unhappy

[Anonymous]

OP you actually not that self aware. What you don’t get is that you have an amazing marriage. This is just what marriage is. It’s generally boring. Spend some time on this board and read some of the crazy posts, you have it good. You mistake be so draining to your wife. You ever think she feels trapped? But women are way more responsible and don’t screw up their kids. I suggest you take up some intense excercise like crossfit or Marathon training to manage your depression. And thank your lucky stars your wife hasn’t dropped your dead weight.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have no clue what you want. In one post you say it’s an issue that she doesn’t really get into deep conversations with you (very likely because she’s exhausted from taking care of three kids while indulging every need and want of yours at the expense of her own), and then in another you say that you’d probably be happier living alone. So which is it, do you want companionship and conversation or do you want to be by yourself?

Based on how you’ve described your life, you sound incredibly indulged and pampered, and it sounds like you give nothing back to her. I don’t even know what advice to give you, because I can’t help but feel for your wife. She probably doesn’t want a divorce (or she wouldn’t contort herself so much to try to make you happy), but I feel like she’d probably be getting the better end of things if you did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are there specific things she does that make you feel like you’d be happier without her? Or is that just the fantasy of something different?

There's really nothing she does, aside from the normal annoyances of living with someone, so the desire to be single is simply to relieve the claustrophobic/trapped feeling I keep getting.

If I were to get into another relationship I'm 99% sure I would go through the same thing with someone else, which is why I don't ever think I'd necessarily be happy with someone else.

My wife meets 90% of my needs; the only thing lacking is conversation. I'd love to discuss science, politics, religion, current affairs, with her, but she's just not that way inclined and those subjects don't interest her.

We used to talk before we had children, I can't remember what about, but I imagine the kids leaving home in 10-20 years and not having anything in common or to talk about.

Ha. One of the main reasons my originally DH liked me was because I could discuss politics and current events with him.

Marriage, kids, and this last election later, it now drives him bats*** crazy to discuss politics because I have different opinions than him on many issues. At least once a week he brings up an issue and then gets deeply offended that I don’t agree with him. The real irony is that weeks later I’ll overhear him making my exact points to someone else (but of course I never get credit). I’ve learned to just keep my mouth shut anytime he brings politics up.

Politics do not make a happy marriage. It’s draining. Plus, discussing it does absolutely nothing for the world besides make you feel like a self-righteous prick.

I highly recommend you do some volunteer work. Altruism has been shown to be very effective at helping depression and it gives you a different perspective on your own problems. Even better if you can bring your wife along and do it together.

[Anonymous]

You really need to watch "It's a Wonderful Life"...you sound like George Bailey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You feel trapped being with your wife. So what I wonder is, what does being married prevent you from doing that you'd like to do? In what ways does your wife hold you back?

She doesn't do anything to hold me back. The issues I have are self-imposed. I feel a lot of guilt all the time for being quite selfish and not fully engaging with my family enough, but perhaps I do the same or more than most people?

Otherwise really it's just the greener grass thing. There could be someone more engaging, prettier, funnier, smarter, taller, which I know makes me sound like a jerk.

Everybody thinks they could find somebody better. I kid myself all the time that Chris Hemsworth would actually be interested in me. In reality, I’m just another aging, slightly overweight mom who wants to pretend she is still hot. Reality is that you probably can’t do better than your spouse. Nobody is that interested in middle aged people with baggage.

Get yourself in therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You really need to watch "It's a Wonderful Life"...you sound like George Bailey.

The Family Man with Nick Cage would be another good pick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you actually not that self aware. What you don’t get is that you have an amazing marriage. This is just what marriage is. It’s generally boring. Spend some time on this board and read some of the crazy posts, you have it good. You mistake be so draining to your wife. You ever think she feels trapped? But women are way more responsible and don’t screw up their kids. I suggest you take up some intense excercise like crossfit or Marathon training to manage your depression. And thank your lucky stars your wife hasn’t dropped your dead weight.

I wouldn't have been this blunt, but I do agree. I think our culture saturates us with the belief that we have to be incredible in every aspect of our lives. Handsome, with a beautiful wife, great degree, amazing career, hugely successful kids, beautiful house, the most interesting vacations, and so on.

But one of the best things a psychologist ever said to me is that we should aim for just being content. Being happy all the time is not sustainable..

There will be periods of happiness. But mostly, just aim for being content.

[Anonymous]

You need to find better therapists or advisors. These problems are deeply rooted in you not your wife and children. Don't blow it - in the half of the year you are not depressed you have a darn good life. How do you think they feel when you are in a deep funk - it sucks for them but they stick with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once you choose to have 3 kids, your happiness (and navel gazing) needs to take a backseat to their stability and well being.

In addition to your rewarding family and kids, are you happy with your career and job?
Maybe you need more hobbies or general happiness plus trips and goals to look fw to.
Plan a big vacation, sign up for a triathlon, pick a new hobby (fossils, paddling, arts, rowing, etc).

[Anonymous]

If your spouse is meeting 90% of your needs, it is most likely at the expense of her own. I can’t even imagine.

DH and I no longer have many deep discussions. We agree with each other on most political topics, and it feels like I have had literally every other discussion possible with him. There are some people on this world who are endlessly entertaining but not many. Get some friends if you want rich discussion.

How are you meeting her needs op? What are you sacrificing for her?

[Anonymous]

I think your issue is a mild biochemical depression that would respond to a low-dose anti-depression medication. I don't think you have situational depression. Your family doctor can prescribe something as a start. Try it for a while. Your wife sounds like a keeper. Do this for all of you!

[Anonymous]

All you talk about is your relationship with DW and you talk as if you are single and bored.
I don’t hear you speak or emote about your three young kids. How do you have time to even be this self absorbed with three young kids? Are you not involved in their lives?? Is your DW doing all the work to care for them? You need to spend more time caring for them and getting involved in their lives.

You want to go live in another country for two years? What??? Do you not have a job? Why would traumatizing yourfamkky not be a big deal to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once you choose to have 3 kids, your happiness (and navel gazing) needs to take a backseat to their stability and well being.

In addition to your rewarding family and kids, are you happy with your career and job?
Maybe you need more hobbies or general happiness plus trips and goals to look fw to.
Plan a big vacation, sign up for a triathlon, pick a new hobby (fossils, paddling, arts, rowing, etc).

He’s probably doing all that stuff and more and he’s still not ‘happy ‘

[Anonymous]

Wow, don't you know anything about birth control? The problem in your marriage is YOU? Please get therapy.i feel sorry for your wife and kids. She deserves a man that loves her.

[Anonymous]

One person cant meet all your needs. If you want to discuss politics and the economy, there are Meetup groups for that.