Great life, great wife, but I'm unhappy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Al-Anon. Have you been or not? If not, why not?

I have not, because my understanding has always been that it’s for alcoholics.

Al-Anon is not for alcoholics. It is for the family members or loved ones of alcoholics. Alcholics Anonymous or AA is for the alcoholic him/herself. Al-Anon is an AA program run on similar principles but focused on teaching those who live with alcoholics in their lives, what alcoholism is, now it affects the family system and how family members can deal with the way in which someone else's alcoholism is impacting them (i.e. how the alcoholic impacts the non-alcholics).

If you grew up with an alcoholic father, and you watched him part (i.e. cheat?) on your mom, then you are carrying a lot of unconscious baggage that I hope you are exploring with a good therapist. Parents are our first and longest models that show us how to love and parent. If we have dysfunctional parents, we tend to carry those same patterns forward in our own life without even realizing it. This doesn't necessarily mean we behave the same way, but we definitely operate with some warped assumptions about what is normal.

You might be interested in reading more about "adult children of alcoholics".

Thanks, I’ve discussed with therapist but will read more about it.

[Anonymous]

My dad suffers from chronic depression and anxiety. He sometimes needs to find a cause for it, but his disease is mainly chemical. He thought it was my mom. After 30 years of marriage they separated. He started the “single” lifestyle. Small condo downtown, jazz concerts, travels, sporadic relations, a long lasting one.... He is very depressed right now again. The other day he told me everything started when I went to visit him (indeed, to help him getting outnof depression + financial problems). I do not think you will get rid of this episodes if you separate. At least in the long run.
Regarding the spark: we all loose it. It transforms in a more mature/grown up relationship.
Without trying to judge: what about your kids? All your statement is about you, you, you. It does not involve any kind of consideration of the impact that your decissions might have in the most important people on your life.
Inhope you will feel better soon, but I do not thing the answer is getting a divorce. Anyhow, who knows. Do the pros and the cons, but think as well on the bigger picture. Your kid’s lives might be affected forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad suffers from chronic depression and anxiety. He sometimes needs to find a cause for it, but his disease is mainly chemical. He thought it was my mom. After 30 years of marriage they separated. He started the “single” lifestyle. Small condo downtown, jazz concerts, travels, sporadic relations, a long lasting one.... He is very depressed right now again. The other day he told me everything started when I went to visit him (indeed, to help him getting outnof depression + financial problems). I do not think you will get rid of this episodes if you separate. At least in the long run.
Regarding the spark: we all loose it. It transforms in a more mature/grown up relationship.
Without trying to judge: what about your kids? All your statement is about you, you, you. It does not involve any kind of consideration of the impact that your decissions might have in the most important people on your life.
Inhope you will feel better soon, but I do not thing the answer is getting a divorce. Anyhow, who knows. Do the pros and the cons, but think as well on the bigger picture. Your kid’s lives might be affected forever.

This. Op read this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad suffers from chronic depression and anxiety. He sometimes needs to find a cause for it, but his disease is mainly chemical. He thought it was my mom. After 30 years of marriage they separated. He started the “single” lifestyle. Small condo downtown, jazz concerts, travels, sporadic relations, a long lasting one.... He is very depressed right now again. The other day he told me everything started when I went to visit him (indeed, to help him getting outnof depression + financial problems). I do not think you will get rid of this episodes if you separate. At least in the long run.
Regarding the spark: we all loose it. It transforms in a more mature/grown up relationship.
Without trying to judge: what about your kids? All your statement is about you, you, you. It does not involve any kind of consideration of the impact that your decissions might have in the most important people on your life.
Inhope you will feel better soon, but I do not thing the answer is getting a divorce. Anyhow, who knows. Do the pros and the cons, but think as well on the bigger picture. Your kid’s lives might be affected forever.

This. Op read this!

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope everyone else who has made comments about the fact that this problem would follow you regardless of where you were / who you were with have gotten through - I know from a rational pov you know that's true. I'm not sure if you're willing to give it a try, but have you ever talked to a counselor? I'm not saying you have to become a person who is in going to therapy for life, but I think a few sessions could maybe help you sort out the turmoil in your head

Yes I definitely know the problem would follow me because in hindsight I've walked away from some really promising relationships in the past due to my pursuit/panic behavior.
This is why I think about being single because it seems like a real solution to getting me out of this pattern. Of course, I also realize that it wouldn't be long until I was lonely and sex-starved and trying to clock Tinder.

Also, I've been working with counselors/therapists for YEARS on this.

It's a mistake to believe that EVERYTHING in your life needs to be disposed of and that you need to reset to zero.

You should think in terms of having a plan to make incremental improvements in various areas of your life, not tossing it all overboard.

It doesn't sound like you've ever really thought through philosophically what life, what your life, is really all about or what you want it to be about.

It sounds like you have no education in morals ethics, or philosophy. Trying to fix your life without learning some of this stuff would be like me trying to.fix my cars transmission,

You sound depressed but also suffering from existential angst. We define meaning in our lives by our choices. It sounds like you are questioning your choices because of the seemingly infinity of alternatives. This is pretty common in modern society. Excessive choice causes anxiety, paralysis and depression. People are happier when they have two or three flavors of ice cream to choose from than hundreds.

Objectively it sounds like you have a nice wife and.kids and have chosen very wisely with your wife. The notion that there may be someone better for you out there is.most likely a fantasy or delusion and I think if you are honest with yourself you'd agree since.you seem inciteful.

Children are interesting and one improvement you.may want to try is involving yourself more.in their daily activities. You will start to see them each as individual unique living beings and once.you internalize that they are in part manifestations of your own unique identity, their and your significance as their father at s crucial time in their lives make cause.you to have a greater understanding of the.meaning of your life and feeling of fulfillment and satisfaction in seemingly mundane daily tasks.

Great advice

[Anonymous]

> Now the bad stuff... I just can't shake this feeling I keep having that I made a mistake in getting into a relationship with her. I feel like I would be happier to just be single for the rest of my life. I just don't have the spark for her, nor do I feel in love with her.

I had somewhat similar feelings in two long terms relationships (engaged in first, married with two kids in second). I would suggest that you give yourself 3 months and if you still feel the same - divorce. Put yourself in "deep analysis" mode during that time and rethink everything critically.

For me, being single and not having to be explain what I do with my time was more valuable than marriage. My previous partners would not prevent me from doing things but I felt guilty nevertheless for not behaving like 'adults are expected to behave'. There is no rule in life that says that people have to be married. It is a societal principle and many people do it only because others do it and the society is tryin to convince you that it is the way to live your life as an 'adult'. This may well work for majority of people but not for everyone.

Imagine yourself free to do as you wish with your time vs what you have. Being single is a great feeling and can make you feel very content. To me, this feeling was more precious than being married and playing the 'father role' to my two children. As of children, they will be fine - how many children on average grow up with parents divorced? - but they will probably hate you, at least until later in their lives.

It's been five years since I divorced. I moved far, stayed single 98% of that time and my career greatly benefited from extra time that I was able to put in it. About a year after divorce I started feeling content and happy in a deeplt relaxed way again. It reminded me of myself when I was in college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:> Now the bad stuff... I just can't shake this feeling I keep having that I made a mistake in getting into a relationship with her. I feel like I would be happier to just be single for the rest of my life. I just don't have the spark for her, nor do I feel in love with her.

I had somewhat similar feelings in two long terms relationships (engaged in first, married with two kids in second). I would suggest that you give yourself 3 months and if you still feel the same - divorce. Put yourself in "deep analysis" mode during that time and rethink everything critically.

For me, being single and not having to be explain what I do with my time was more valuable than marriage. My previous partners would not prevent me from doing things but I felt guilty nevertheless for not behaving like 'adults are expected to behave'. There is no rule in life that says that people have to be married. It is a societal principle and many people do it only because others do it and the society is tryin to convince you that it is the way to live your life as an 'adult'. This may well work for majority of people but not for everyone.

Imagine yourself free to do as you wish with your time vs what you have. Being single is a great feeling and can make you feel very content. To me, this feeling was more precious than being married and playing the 'father role' to my two children. As of children, they will be fine - how many children on average grow up with parents divorced? - but they will probably hate you, at least until later in their lives.

It's been five years since I divorced. I moved far, stayed single 98% of that time and my career greatly benefited from extra time that I was able to put in it. About a year after divorce I started feeling content and happy in a deeplt relaxed way again. It reminded me of myself when I was in college.

You moved away and were happy not playing the “father role”? Loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:> Now the bad stuff... I just can't shake this feeling I keep having that I made a mistake in getting into a relationship with her. I feel like I would be happier to just be single for the rest of my life. I just don't have the spark for her, nor do I feel in love with her.

I had somewhat similar feelings in two long terms relationships (engaged in first, married with two kids in second). I would suggest that you give yourself 3 months and if you still feel the same - divorce. Put yourself in "deep analysis" mode during that time and rethink everything critically.

For me, being single and not having to be explain what I do with my time was more valuable than marriage. My previous partners would not prevent me from doing things but I felt guilty nevertheless for not behaving like 'adults are expected to behave'. There is no rule in life that says that people have to be married. It is a societal principle and many people do it only because others do it and the society is tryin to convince you that it is the way to live your life as an 'adult'. This may well work for majority of people but not for everyone.

Imagine yourself free to do as you wish with your time vs what you have. Being single is a great feeling and can make you feel very content. To me, this feeling was more precious than being married and playing the 'father role' to my two children. As of children, they will be fine - how many children on average grow up with parents divorced? - but they will probably hate you, at least until later in their lives.

It's been five years since I divorced. I moved far, stayed single 98% of that time and my career greatly benefited from extra time that I was able to put in it. About a year after divorce I started feeling content and happy in a deeplt relaxed way again. It reminded me of myself when I was in college.

NP - Wow, you are a nasty piece of work. And yes there IS a rule that you play the "father role" to the kids you CHOSE to have. Kids who fair well after divorce almost surely have 2 separate but actively involved parents and did not have to overcome emotional abandonment. I don't say this easily but I hope you die alone and in pain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:> Now the bad stuff... I just can't shake this feeling I keep having that I made a mistake in getting into a relationship with her. I feel like I would be happier to just be single for the rest of my life. I just don't have the spark for her, nor do I feel in love with her.

I had somewhat similar feelings in two long terms relationships (engaged in first, married with two kids in second). I would suggest that you give yourself 3 months and if you still feel the same - divorce. Put yourself in "deep analysis" mode during that time and rethink everything critically.

For me, being single and not having to be explain what I do with my time was more valuable than marriage. My previous partners would not prevent me from doing things but I felt guilty nevertheless for not behaving like 'adults are expected to behave'. There is no rule in life that says that people have to be married. It is a societal principle and many people do it only because others do it and the society is tryin to convince you that it is the way to live your life as an 'adult'. This may well work for majority of people but not for everyone.

Imagine yourself free to do as you wish with your time vs what you have. Being single is a great feeling and can make you feel very content. To me, this feeling was more precious than being married and playing the 'father role' to my two children. As of children, they will be fine - how many children on average grow up with parents divorced? - but they will probably hate you, at least until later in their lives.

It's been five years since I divorced. I moved far, stayed single 98% of that time and my career greatly benefited from extra time that I was able to put in it. About a year after divorce I started feeling content and happy in a deeplt relaxed way again. It reminded me of myself when I was in college.

NP and I agree with pretty much everything you are saying about not everyone needs to be married, it's not the only way to be "an adult"
Etc, but how often do you see your children? Do you keep in touch or pay child support?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:> Now the bad stuff... I just can't shake this feeling I keep having that I made a mistake in getting into a relationship with her. I feel like I would be happier to just be single for the rest of my life. I just don't have the spark for her, nor do I feel in love with her.

I had somewhat similar feelings in two long terms relationships (engaged in first, married with two kids in second). I would suggest that you give yourself 3 months and if you still feel the same - divorce. Put yourself in "deep analysis" mode during that time and rethink everything critically.

For me, being single and not having to be explain what I do with my time was more valuable than marriage. My previous partners would not prevent me from doing things but I felt guilty nevertheless for not behaving like 'adults are expected to behave'. There is no rule in life that says that people have to be married. It is a societal principle and many people do it only because others do it and the society is tryin to convince you that it is the way to live your life as an 'adult'. This may well work for majority of people but not for everyone.

Imagine yourself free to do as you wish with your time vs what you have. Being single is a great feeling and can make you feel very content. To me, this feeling was more precious than being married and playing the 'father role' to my two children. As of children, they will be fine - how many children on average grow up with parents divorced? - but they will probably hate you, at least until later in their lives.

It's been five years since I divorced. I moved far, stayed single 98% of that time and my career greatly benefited from extra time that I was able to put in it. About a year after divorce I started feeling content and happy in a deeplt relaxed way again. It reminded me of myself when I was in college.
I

You are an absolute waste of a human being. Enjoy your contentment, it wont last long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:> Now the bad stuff... I just can't shake this feeling I keep having that I made a mistake in getting into a relationship with her. I feel like I would be happier to just be single for the rest of my life. I just don't have the spark for her, nor do I feel in love with her.

I had somewhat similar feelings in two long terms relationships (engaged in first, married with two kids in second). I would suggest that you give yourself 3 months and if you still feel the same - divorce. Put yourself in "deep analysis" mode during that time and rethink everything critically.

For me, being single and not having to be explain what I do with my time was more valuable than marriage. My previous partners would not prevent me from doing things but I felt guilty nevertheless for not behaving like 'adults are expected to behave'. There is no rule in life that says that people have to be married. It is a societal principle and many people do it only because others do it and the society is tryin to convince you that it is the way to live your life as an 'adult'. This may well work for majority of people but not for everyone.

Imagine yourself free to do as you wish with your time vs what you have. Being single is a great feeling and can make you feel very content. To me, this feeling was more precious than being married and playing the 'father role' to my two children. As of children, they will be fine - how many children on average grow up with parents divorced? - but they will probably hate you, at least until later in their lives.

It's been five years since I divorced. I moved far, stayed single 98% of that time and my career greatly benefited from extra time that I was able to put in it. About a year after divorce I started feeling content and happy in a deeplt relaxed way again. It reminded me of myself when I was in college.

You're right, PP. The children might hate you now, but that will definitely change when they're older and can understand better that you needed to feel content and free.