Great life, great wife, but I'm unhappy

[Anonymous]

I've suffered anxiety and depression for many years and I'm trying to understand if it's the result of my marriage, because when I fantasize about being single, the depression is gone.

My wife and I have been together for 12 years and married for 6. We have 3 young children. The first time. my wife got pregnant unexpectedly and I felt the right thing to do was to give her and our child the stability and security of marriage.

I've always struggled with feeling trapped in relationships and went through a long period of "pursue, then panic" trying to win over girl after girl, and once I found their acceptance, I'd get claustrophobic and ruin the relationship.

The same thing happened with my wife but she was able to tolerate my behavior to the point where I eventually gave in to her pursuit (we had a friends-with-benefits relationship for 3 years before she gave me an ultimatum to either try a relationship or go our separate ways for good.)

First the good things... we have excellent communication, the same values and principles, some similar interests, good sex life, and we don't really argue, but when we do we know when to back down and apologize.

Now the bad stuff... I just can't shake this feeling I keep having that I made a mistake in getting into a relationship with her. I feel like I would be happier to just be single for the rest of my life. I just don't have the spark for her, nor do I feel in love with her.

I have trouble seeing our future together and this prevents me from making long-term plans. For example, I'd like to go and live in another country for two years but then I wonder if I'd just be miserable there instead.

It's important to note though that I only feel like this during the 6-8 week depressive episodes I have 3-4 times a year, and the rest of the time I'm pretty happy and content and love my wife. But I wonder if the depression comes out of some discontent for my current situation.

I've been to different counselors and therapists over the years, and take anti-depressants. I've done a LOT of work on myself and have made some real strides, however this nagging feeling keeps popping up that this isn't right for me.

I welcome all criticism.

[Anonymous]

No criticism from me.

You sound very honest, self aware, reflective, and oddly caring despite your selfishness. It’s refreshing. I think more people than you think feel like this.

[Anonymous]

I don’t want to criticize you. I just want you to know that you don’t have to be happy all the time, or feel in love with your wife all the time. If you feel happy and love your wife over half the time...that’s pretty good, I’d say. Not every thing needs to be fixed. Your times of unhappiness don’t need to be a cause for angst. I get bad times, too, and I wait them out. I know they will pass, I will feel love for my spouse again. And so I try to be patient and kind and not make any sudden moves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've suffered anxiety and depression for many years and I'm trying to understand if it's the result of my marriage, because when I fantasize about being single, the depression is gone.

My wife and I have been together for 12 years and married for 6. We have 3 young children. The first time. my wife got pregnant unexpectedly and I felt the right thing to do was to give her and our child the stability and security of marriage.

I've always struggled with feeling trapped in relationships and went through a long period of "pursue, then panic" trying to win over girl after girl, and once I found their acceptance, I'd get claustrophobic and ruin the relationship.

The same thing happened with my wife but she was able to tolerate my behavior to the point where I eventually gave in to her pursuit (we had a friends-with-benefits relationship for 3 years before she gave me an ultimatum to either try a relationship or go our separate ways for good.)

First the good things... we have excellent communication, the same values and principles, some similar interests, good sex life, and we don't really argue, but when we do we know when to back down and apologize.

Now the bad stuff... I just can't shake this feeling I keep having that I made a mistake in getting into a relationship with her. I feel like I would be happier to just be single for the rest of my life. I just don't have the spark for her, nor do I feel in love with her.

I have trouble seeing our future together and this prevents me from making long-term plans. For example, I'd like to go and live in another country for two years but then I wonder if I'd just be miserable there instead.

It's important to note though that I only feel like this during the 6-8 week depressive episodes I have 3-4 times a year, and the rest of the time I'm pretty happy and content and love my wife. But I wonder if the depression comes out of some discontent for my current situation.

I've been to different counselors and therapists over the years, and take anti-depressants. I've done a LOT of work on myself and have made some real strides, however this nagging feeling keeps popping up that this isn't right for me.

I welcome all criticism.

So yours is a shotgun marriage? Am I right? No wonder you feel stuck. If you say you don't have a spark for her, it's because you never did. Nothing complicated.

[Anonymous]

I,I, I! Dude you have. KIDS. You don’t get to go just “live in another country” for two years. You think the rest of us don’t fantasize about dumping the old ball and chain? And all that goes with it ? Of course we do! You suck it up because you are someone’s dad! Not a man baby!.

[Anonymous]

Once you choose to have 3 kids, your happiness (and navel gazing) needs to take a backseat to their stability and well being.

[Anonymous]

I would be hesitant to make decisions based on how,you during what you acknowledge are depressive episodes. That you feel if life during those moments when you fantasize about being single doesn’t mean your marriage is the problem. You could divorce, change your life, and then have the same depressive episodes where the thoughts of yet another life give you momentary relief.

And on that note, I would try to come up with a realistic vision of what your post-divorce life would look like. You wouldn’t have your wife’s love and support during the good periods. You’d only see your young children half as often as you do now, and when you do see them, you’d have sole responsibility for them with no relief like your wife can currently give you. This will still be the case when you are in a depressive episode and it’s even harder to be “on”for the kids. You may end up paying child support, which would curtail your financial life. You wouldn’t be able to pick up and move to another country without foregoing seeing your children on anything other than an occasional basis.

Does all of that sound preferable to your current situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I,I, I! Dude you have. KIDS. You don’t get to go just “live in another country” for two years. You think the rest of us don’t fantasize about dumping the old ball and chain? And all that goes with it ? Of course we do! You suck it up because you are someone’s dad! Not a man baby!.

No I mean, we are talking about going to live in another country, as a family.

[Anonymous]

Your feelings are normal, but selfish and immature.

You’re a father now and everything you do will impact your children and how they navigate their own relationships. The time for exploring possibilities is over. The good news is that few women would be as tolerant of your wife, so enjoy that.

[Anonymous]

*As tolerant as your wife

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your feelings are normal, but selfish and immature.

You’re a father now and everything you do will impact your children and how they navigate their own relationships. The time for exploring possibilities is over. The good news is that few women would be as tolerant of your wife, so enjoy that.

Oh yeah I agree. She was a saint to have put up with me in the first place, BEFORE we had children!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So yours is a shotgun marriage? Am I right? No wonder you feel stuck. If you say you don't have a spark for her, it's because you never did. Nothing complicated.

Not quite, we're not religious or anything, so there was no shame in getting pregnant. I just wanted to give her the stability by promising to marry her. We didn't marry until two years later.

[Anonymous]

Happiness is a choice, you do not stumble upon it. Everyone with kids especially younger ones long to be “free” as aiding kids sucks the ever loving life out of you. Your marriage seems solid, don’t over analyze it. The depression and anxiety will follow you wherever you go, no single person is the cause or solution for your happiness.

[Anonymous]

Are there specific things she does that make you feel like you’d be happier without her? Or is that just the fantasy of something different?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your feelings are normal, but selfish and immature.

You’re a father now and everything you do will impact your children and how they navigate their own relationships. The time for exploring possibilities is over. The good news is that few women would be as tolerant of your wife, so enjoy that.

+1. Come on dude. You are a father now. Man up and take care of your family. I feel sorry for your DW and kids.