DH is being accused of sexual assault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I kicked him out because he went outside to be interviewed. I heard the police say to him: "The police in X state have been trying to get a hold of you to no avail." He asked me to close the window so I couldn't overhear. That made me suspicious.

His friend disclosed to him last week that he had been swabbed. He's known for a week that his co-workers were being swabbed. He neglected to tell me.

To me, that seems like guilty behavior.

It sounds like a man who is scared to death and trying to protect his wife to me.

Not trying to start an argument, but I'm genuinely curious what you mean by this. If they're looking for a DNA match and he knows it wasn't him, what's to be scared of? If I knew they were swabbing people because they had evidence I'd rush to the station to get my name off the list.

OP here, that is what I would do as well. If I wasn't guilty of a crime, yet was being accused, I would want to get it over and done with and move on. If I was guilty, I would do as he is doing. Evade police, not inform my spouse, try to prevent her from overhearing me being questioned...

Hate to say it but yes. If he was innocent. At the very least if he was just wary of law enforcement...have a lawyer come down to the station with you to clear your name.

[Anonymous]

I dunno, if this happened to my DH and he were innocent I doubt he'd react by simply brushing it off and telling me he didn't know the woman. I think HE'D be freaking out as well, and the two of us putting our heads together to figure out next steps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I dunno, if this happened to my DH and he were innocent I doubt he'd react by simply brushing it off and telling me he didn't know the woman. I think HE'D be freaking out as well, and the two of us putting our heads together to figure out next steps.

This exactly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if this guy is guilty or innocent. But I do know that if I was falsely accused of a crime, and my spouse kicked me out of the house, I wouldn't be coming back. Maybe you had a good reason to suspect he's guilty, but that's definitely a bridge burner. Time to start talking to a divorce lawyer and get ready to be single.

I'd have to agree.
That's some cold-hearted shizzle to kick somebody out the house and tell em don't come back until they're cleared.

NP here. I generally agree with these sentiments EXCEPT that the DH clearly tried to evade telling his wife anything about the incident. If DH had come to DW as soon as he heard that others were getting swabbed and explained what was going on, then I would side with DH. But him deliberately keeping her out of the loop, without explanation? Nope, not having it.

It is equally possible that he said nothing because OP has a tendency to assume the worst and freak out. She would leap to the conclusion that he was guilty and there would be no explanation or discussion possible.

The women here have immediately concluded that at a MINIMUM he cheated. Without knowing a single fact. Simply on the basis of what OP has said.

No, based on what she said, which includes a collection of facts -- he didn't respond to police inquiries, he kept the existence of the investigation from her, he asked her not to listen when the police tracked him down. The fact that so many people are being accused actually would make it seem less likely he did it, except he was hiding the entire investigation from her. The accusation is startling, his reaction is suspicious.

And not for nothing, but OP lives with him, and her reaction was "get far away from me." I don't know this guy, and neither do you. But if my husband was accused my reaction would be "how on earth could she confuse you with whoever did this? Hope the lab turns this around quickly." The reaction of his wife should tell you something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I dunno, if this happened to my DH and he were innocent I doubt he'd react by simply brushing it off and telling me he didn't know the woman. I think HE'D be freaking out as well, and the two of us putting our heads together to figure out next steps.

This exactly

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I kicked him out because he went outside to be interviewed. I heard the police say to him: "The police in X state have been trying to get a hold of you to no avail." He asked me to close the window so I couldn't overhear. That made me suspicious.

His friend disclosed to him last week that he had been swabbed. He's known for a week that his co-workers were being swabbed. He neglected to tell me.

To me, that seems like guilty behavior.

OP, I was leaning toward disagreeing with your decision until I read this. Now I'm on your side and think you did the right thing kicking him out. If he's guilty, no brainer, end of marriage. If he's not guilty, it still means that he knew what was going on, knew he'd been accused, knew they were looking for him, and still tried to keep it a secret from you. That's not protecting you, because it left you completely blindsided when it finally caught up to him. Protecting you would be telling you in advance so you could prepare yourself. Be married means you are a team, you share the good and bad, and you support each other. None of his behavior in this suggests he views you this way, or that he's someone you can trust down the road when things get tough.

[Anonymous]

Why is he even remotely connected to the situation in the first place?

[Anonymous]

I hope this is MUD because it's so gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I kicked him out because he went outside to be interviewed. I heard the police say to him: "The police in X state have been trying to get a hold of you to no avail." He asked me to close the window so I couldn't overhear. That made me suspicious.

His friend disclosed to him last week that he had been swabbed. He's known for a week that his co-workers were being swabbed. He neglected to tell me.

To me, that seems like guilty behavior.

OP, I was leaning toward disagreeing with your decision until I read this. Now I'm on your side and think you did the right thing kicking him out. If he's guilty, no brainer, end of marriage. If he's not guilty, it still means that he knew what was going on, knew he'd been accused, knew they were looking for him, and still tried to keep it a secret from you. That's not protecting you, because it left you completely blindsided when it finally caught up to him. Protecting you would be telling you in advance so you could prepare yourself. Be married means you are a team, you share the good and bad, and you support each other. None of his behavior in this suggests he views you this way, or that he's someone you can trust down the road when things get tough.

+1. Marriage is over either way. Get your own lawyer and protect yourself OP. Your DH has committed a serious lie of commission that shows when the shit hits the fan he will actively lie or keep you out of the loop in order to manipulate you into behaving the way he wants. That's not a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if this guy is guilty or innocent. But I do know that if I was falsely accused of a crime, and my spouse kicked me out of the house, I wouldn't be coming back. Maybe you had a good reason to suspect he's guilty, but that's definitely a bridge burner. Time to start talking to a divorce lawyer and get ready to be single.

I'd have to agree.
That's some cold-hearted shizzle to kick somebody out the house and tell em don't come back until they're cleared.

NP here. I generally agree with these sentiments EXCEPT that the DH clearly tried to evade telling his wife anything about the incident. If DH had come to DW as soon as he heard that others were getting swabbed and explained what was going on, then I would side with DH. But him deliberately keeping her out of the loop, without explanation? Nope, not having it.

It is equally possible that he said nothing because OP has a tendency to assume the worst and freak out. She would leap to the conclusion that he was guilty and there would be no explanation or discussion possible.

The women here have immediately concluded that at a MINIMUM he cheated. Without knowing a single fact. Simply on the basis of what OP has said.

That could be the reason for the secrecy. He may believe that he had consensual sex with a women who believes differently, and didn't want OP to know (about the cheating). I'm not sure why else he'd want to keep it a secret.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is he even remotely connected to the situation in the first place?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I kicked him out because he went outside to be interviewed. I heard the police say to him: "The police in X state have been trying to get a hold of you to no avail." He asked me to close the window so I couldn't overhear. That made me suspicious.

His friend disclosed to him last week that he had been swabbed. He's known for a week that his co-workers were being swabbed. He neglected to tell me.

To me, that seems like guilty behavior.

It sounds like a man who is scared to death and trying to protect his wife to me.

Not trying to start an argument, but I'm genuinely curious what you mean by this. If they're looking for a DNA match and he knows it wasn't him, what's to be scared of? If I knew they were swabbing people because they had evidence I'd rush to the station to get my name off the list.

OP here, that is what I would do as well. If I wasn't guilty of a crime, yet was being accused, I would want to get it over and done with and move on. If I was guilty, I would do as he is doing. Evade police, not inform my spouse, try to prevent her from overhearing me being questioned...

Hate to say it but yes. If he was innocent. At the very least if he was just wary of law enforcement...have a lawyer come down to the station with you to clear your name.

And what if you've had previous bad experiences with law enforcement? In some communities people are advised to only talk to police officer with representation. So I'm sorry, but your imagined scenario doesn't apply for everyone, especially when you under stress - a normal reaction if you are being accused of something like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a feeling everyone was drinking. Your husband had sex that he believes was consensual. The women disagrees, was super drunk and isn't sure. This the swabbing of multiple men. At a minimim, he cheated on you. At a maximum, he raped this woman. Either way your marriage is pretty much over. You need a lawyer to start protecting your assets. A court case will destroy your finances.

I was going to look into filing. We don't have any mutual assets (we don't own property) aside from a joint bank account. We've been married less than a year. There's really no assets to protect. I have student loan debt and he has car debt but that's it.

To be honest, if you have no kids, and you've only been married a year, I'd move on -- assuming that he at least cheated. Talk to an attorney ASAP. There may be no assets, but the woman could sue him for civil damages.

I am always amazed at how quickly women on this board proclaim that woman should kick their husbands to the curb. So much for vows...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I kicked him out because he went outside to be interviewed. I heard the police say to him: "The police in X state have been trying to get a hold of you to no avail." He asked me to close the window so I couldn't overhear. That made me suspicious.

His friend disclosed to him last week that he had been swabbed. He's known for a week that his co-workers were being swabbed. He neglected to tell me.

To me, that seems like guilty behavior.

It sounds like a man who is scared to death and trying to protect his wife to me.

Not trying to start an argument, but I'm genuinely curious what you mean by this. If they're looking for a DNA match and he knows it wasn't him, what's to be scared of? If I knew they were swabbing people because they had evidence I'd rush to the station to get my name off the list.

OP here, that is what I would do as well. If I wasn't guilty of a crime, yet was being accused, I would want to get it over and done with and move on. If I was guilty, I would do as he is doing. Evade police, not inform my spouse, try to prevent her from overhearing me being questioned...

Hate to say it but yes. If he was innocent. At the very least if he was just wary of law enforcement...have a lawyer come down to the station with you to clear your name.

And what if you've had previous bad experiences with law enforcement? In some communities people are advised to only talk to police officer with representation. So I'm sorry, but your imagined scenario doesn't apply for everyone, especially when you under stress - a normal reaction if you are being accused of something like this.

White male here. I had bad experiences with law enforcement back when I was a teenager (and I can't imagine how much worse it is for black males). I don't seek to help them out. If they come to me with a court order, then fine. But I"m not giong to make their job easier.

If DH was guilty, then why didn't he get a lawyer the week before when his friends were being swabbed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a feeling everyone was drinking. Your husband had sex that he believes was consensual. The women disagrees, was super drunk and isn't sure. This the swabbing of multiple men. At a minimim, he cheated on you. At a maximum, he raped this woman. Either way your marriage is pretty much over. You need a lawyer to start protecting your assets. A court case will destroy your finances.

I was going to look into filing. We don't have any mutual assets (we don't own property) aside from a joint bank account. We've been married less than a year. There's really no assets to protect. I have student loan debt and he has car debt but that's it.

To be honest, if you have no kids, and you've only been married a year, I'd move on -- assuming that he at least cheated. Talk to an attorney ASAP. There may be no assets, but the woman could sue him for civil damages.

I am always amazed at how quickly women on this board proclaim that woman should kick their husbands to the curb. So much for vows...

I know right? He's only hiding the fact that he's being investigated by police in multiple states for rape! Jeez these faithless wenches, they'll jump ship over any little thing!