Separated and not yet ex DH is bringing girlfriend to kids events--can this be stopped?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP are these school events? When the kids are with you don't let ex know about any events. Put them in sports on your time or hobbies without letting him know. We did that. Swimming, and dance that were not school and near where we lived. We didn't want any exes or their "friends" showing up. We did camping trips and family things too.

+1. I stopped telling Ex about events school events, sports stuff, recitals, etc. It's all public info and he could find out easily by googling if he cared. He doesn't. It's not my job to do emotional labor for him anymore. It's also not my job to try to create an image of him for my kids that he is really not able to uphold himself. I got tired of inviting him to stuff and then everyone worrying if he'd show up or not.

Exactly, he can't google it if he doesn't know, or what troop little bluebird is in for girl scouts, or the YMC times junior is swimming, or what dance studio little princess is at. We did separate things which worked out great plus we paid for it. Kids don't want the other parent bringing step so and so in tow with their own kids. It's embarrassing and hard on them. I see this time and time again with my friends who have irresponsible exes.

OP if ex DH would come alone and you could act as parents that would be one thing, but obviously he chose to be a shithead. What if OP had her family there, and they are still very much married as in legally. Very embarrassing for all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been separated from my ex-DH for a year but we are not yet divorced. He cheated and wanted to end the marriage. He is now bringing a brand new gf (not even 6 weeks) around the children; having sleepovers when the kids are with him; bringing her to events where I will be etc. Can this be stopped since he's not yet my EXDH and we have very small children?

Sorry but you can't control him anymore.

Yes she can control who is around her children.

No, she can't. Impossible to enforce.

biglaw here.

She can't.

NP. Another big law attorney here. Yes, she can, but only as part of divorce proceedings. When I divorced, I made my husband agree to a clause in our settlement that barred him from having any significant other around our children until they had been dating for at least three years. I also barred him from bringing any friend (except for those listed in the agreement) around our children without prior approval from me. I agreed to be similarly bound. I also had a fine (and reimbursement of attorneys' fees needed to enforce the clause) attached to each violation. These clauses expire when our youngest child turns 14.

It has been 9 years since our divorce and we have done well for the most part. I had to enforce the clause once when he had a girlfriend of several months skulking around our kids and was claiming she was just a tenant. I gathered evidence she was more than a tenant. He called my bluff regarding enforcing the girlfriend clause, so I went to court and had him enjoined from having her around the kids. And I enforced the fine (no attorneys' fees because I handled the matter myself).

You can do a lot with a settlement agreement, but an agreement is only as strong as you are. My ex knows I will strangle him and send his soul to Hades if he brings any of his shady friends, exes, nextses, and drama around our children.

Your prescriptive settlement is missing the forest for the trees. While it makes you feel in control and might be satisfying, I wonder what long-term impact that has had on the kids.

Agreed. This sounds super controlling to me.

+1. Feel bad for the kids.

I feel bad for the kids too! What kid wouldn't want the chance to get attached to the flavor of the month only for her to disappear or turn out to be crazy? It is definitely best for the kids to be exposed to as many short-term flings as possible. Think of all the fun people they've missed out on. Terrible mom.

You're teaching your kids to be bitter, vengeful, and controlling. This is no doing them a favor for future relationships, romantic or otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP are these school events? When the kids are with you don't let ex know about any events. Put them in sports on your time or hobbies without letting him know. We did that. Swimming, and dance that were not school and near where we lived. We didn't want any exes or their "friends" showing up. We did camping trips and family things too.

+1. I stopped telling Ex about events school events, sports stuff, recitals, etc. It's all public info and he could find out easily by googling if he cared. He doesn't. It's not my job to do emotional labor for him anymore. It's also not my job to try to create an image of him for my kids that he is really not able to uphold himself. I got tired of inviting him to stuff and then everyone worrying if he'd show up or not.

Exactly, he can't google it if he doesn't know, or what troop little bluebird is in for girl scouts, or the YMC times junior is swimming, or what dance studio little princess is at. We did separate things which worked out great plus we paid for it. Kids don't want the other parent bringing step so and so in tow with their own kids. It's embarrassing and hard on them. I see this time and time again with my friends who have irresponsible exes.

OP if ex DH would come alone and you could act as parents that would be one thing, but obviously he chose to be a shithead. What if OP had her family there, and they are still very much married as in legally. Very embarrassing for all.

Oh yes, how very embarrassing for their own step-parent and half siblings to attend their events.

I think you mean, Mommy doesn't like seeing Daddy with his new wife and kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been separated from my ex-DH for a year but we are not yet divorced. He cheated and wanted to end the marriage. He is now bringing a brand new gf (not even 6 weeks) around the children; having sleepovers when the kids are with him; bringing her to events where I will be etc. Can this be stopped since he's not yet my EXDH and we have very small children?

Sorry but you can't control him anymore.

Yes she can control who is around her children.

No, she can't. Impossible to enforce.

biglaw here.

She can't.

NP. Another big law attorney here. Yes, she can, but only as part of divorce proceedings. When I divorced, I made my husband agree to a clause in our settlement that barred him from having any significant other around our children until they had been dating for at least three years. I also barred him from bringing any friend (except for those listed in the agreement) around our children without prior approval from me. I agreed to be similarly bound. I also had a fine (and reimbursement of attorneys' fees needed to enforce the clause) attached to each violation. These clauses expire when our youngest child turns 14.

It has been 9 years since our divorce and we have done well for the most part. I had to enforce the clause once when he had a girlfriend of several months skulking around our kids and was claiming she was just a tenant. I gathered evidence she was more than a tenant. He called my bluff regarding enforcing the girlfriend clause, so I went to court and had him enjoined from having her around the kids. And I enforced the fine (no attorneys' fees because I handled the matter myself).

You can do a lot with a settlement agreement, but an agreement is only as strong as you are. My ex knows I will strangle him and send his soul to Hades if he brings any of his shady friends, exes, nextses, and drama around our children.

Your prescriptive settlement is missing the forest for the trees. While it makes you feel in control and might be satisfying, I wonder what long-term impact that has had on the kids.

Not that I'm remotely interested in your opinion, but I have kept away from my children the unstable people my ex likes to have around him. I am proud of this and glad I made the effort.

Good for you because divorce is hard enough on kids. Irresponsible parents allowing all kinds of people to come and go puts a lot of stress on a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been separated from my ex-DH for a year but we are not yet divorced. He cheated and wanted to end the marriage. He is now bringing a brand new gf (not even 6 weeks) around the children; having sleepovers when the kids are with him; bringing her to events where I will be etc. Can this be stopped since he's not yet my EXDH and we have very small children?

Sorry but you can't control him anymore.

Yes she can control who is around her children.

No, she can't. Impossible to enforce.

biglaw here.

She can't.

NP. Another big law attorney here. Yes, she can, but only as part of divorce proceedings. When I divorced, I made my husband agree to a clause in our settlement that barred him from having any significant other around our children until they had been dating for at least three years. I also barred him from bringing any friend (except for those listed in the agreement) around our children without prior approval from me. I agreed to be similarly bound. I also had a fine (and reimbursement of attorneys' fees needed to enforce the clause) attached to each violation. These clauses expire when our youngest child turns 14.

It has been 9 years since our divorce and we have done well for the most part. I had to enforce the clause once when he had a girlfriend of several months skulking around our kids and was claiming she was just a tenant. I gathered evidence she was more than a tenant. He called my bluff regarding enforcing the girlfriend clause, so I went to court and had him enjoined from having her around the kids. And I enforced the fine (no attorneys' fees because I handled the matter myself).

You can do a lot with a settlement agreement, but an agreement is only as strong as you are. My ex knows I will strangle him and send his soul to Hades if he brings any of his shady friends, exes, nextses, and drama around our children.

Your prescriptive settlement is missing the forest for the trees. While it makes you feel in control and might be satisfying, I wonder what long-term impact that has had on the kids.

Agreed. This sounds super controlling to me.

+1. Feel bad for the kids.

I feel bad for the kids too! What kid wouldn't want the chance to get attached to the flavor of the month only for her to disappear or turn out to be crazy? It is definitely best for the kids to be exposed to as many short-term flings as possible. Think of all the fun people they've missed out on. Terrible mom.

You're teaching your kids to be bitter, vengeful, and controlling. This is no doing them a favor for future relationships, romantic or otherwise.

It's interesting that her DH was adult enough to marry and have children with, but after divorce he needed to be controlled and micromanaged "for the kids". Funny how that works out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been separated from my ex-DH for a year but we are not yet divorced. He cheated and wanted to end the marriage. He is now bringing a brand new gf (not even 6 weeks) around the children; having sleepovers when the kids are with him; bringing her to events where I will be etc. Can this be stopped since he's not yet my EXDH and we have very small children?

Sorry but you can't control him anymore.

Yes she can control who is around her children.

No, she can't. Impossible to enforce.

biglaw here.

She can't.

NP. Another big law attorney here. Yes, she can, but only as part of divorce proceedings. When I divorced, I made my husband agree to a clause in our settlement that barred him from having any significant other around our children until they had been dating for at least three years. I also barred him from bringing any friend (except for those listed in the agreement) around our children without prior approval from me. I agreed to be similarly bound. I also had a fine (and reimbursement of attorneys' fees needed to enforce the clause) attached to each violation. These clauses expire when our youngest child turns 14.

It has been 9 years since our divorce and we have done well for the most part. I had to enforce the clause once when he had a girlfriend of several months skulking around our kids and was claiming she was just a tenant. I gathered evidence she was more than a tenant. He called my bluff regarding enforcing the girlfriend clause, so I went to court and had him enjoined from having her around the kids. And I enforced the fine (no attorneys' fees because I handled the matter myself).

You can do a lot with a settlement agreement, but an agreement is only as strong as you are. My ex knows I will strangle him and send his soul to Hades if he brings any of his shady friends, exes, nextses, and drama around our children.

Your prescriptive settlement is missing the forest for the trees. While it makes you feel in control and might be satisfying, I wonder what long-term impact that has had on the kids.

Agreed. This sounds super controlling to me.

+1. Feel bad for the kids.

I feel bad for the kids too! What kid wouldn't want the chance to get attached to the flavor of the month only for her to disappear or turn out to be crazy? It is definitely best for the kids to be exposed to as many short-term flings as possible. Think of all the fun people they've missed out on. Terrible mom.

You're teaching your kids to be bitter, vengeful, and controlling. This is no doing them a favor for future relationships, romantic or otherwise.

I completely agree with you. Only a bitter mom would cheat her kids of the chance to meet as many of their father's randoms as possible. How does it make any sense to wait until the relationship is solid? Studies show that kids are happiest when introduced to the new girl after the first date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been separated from my ex-DH for a year but we are not yet divorced. He cheated and wanted to end the marriage. He is now bringing a brand new gf (not even 6 weeks) around the children; having sleepovers when the kids are with him; bringing her to events where I will be etc. Can this be stopped since he's not yet my EXDH and we have very small children?

Sorry but you can't control him anymore.

Yes she can control who is around her children.

No, she can't. Impossible to enforce.

biglaw here.

She can't.

NP. Another big law attorney here. Yes, she can, but only as part of divorce proceedings. When I divorced, I made my husband agree to a clause in our settlement that barred him from having any significant other around our children until they had been dating for at least three years. I also barred him from bringing any friend (except for those listed in the agreement) around our children without prior approval from me. I agreed to be similarly bound. I also had a fine (and reimbursement of attorneys' fees needed to enforce the clause) attached to each violation. These clauses expire when our youngest child turns 14.

It has been 9 years since our divorce and we have done well for the most part. I had to enforce the clause once when he had a girlfriend of several months skulking around our kids and was claiming she was just a tenant. I gathered evidence she was more than a tenant. He called my bluff regarding enforcing the girlfriend clause, so I went to court and had him enjoined from having her around the kids. And I enforced the fine (no attorneys' fees because I handled the matter myself).

You can do a lot with a settlement agreement, but an agreement is only as strong as you are. My ex knows I will strangle him and send his soul to Hades if he brings any of his shady friends, exes, nextses, and drama around our children.

Your prescriptive settlement is missing the forest for the trees. While it makes you feel in control and might be satisfying, I wonder what long-term impact that has had on the kids.

Agreed. This sounds super controlling to me.

+1. Feel bad for the kids.

I feel bad for the kids too! What kid wouldn't want the chance to get attached to the flavor of the month only for her to disappear or turn out to be crazy? It is definitely best for the kids to be exposed to as many short-term flings as possible. Think of all the fun people they've missed out on. Terrible mom.

You're teaching your kids to be bitter, vengeful, and controlling. This is no doing them a favor for future relationships, romantic or otherwise.

It's interesting that her DH was adult enough to marry and have children with, but after divorce he needed to be controlled and micromanaged "for the kids". Funny how that works out.

Lol. There are a lot of salty men in this thread. How mad were you when your ex didn't let you bring your latest fling to your kid's birthday party?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been separated from my ex-DH for a year but we are not yet divorced. He cheated and wanted to end the marriage. He is now bringing a brand new gf (not even 6 weeks) around the children; having sleepovers when the kids are with him; bringing her to events where I will be etc. Can this be stopped since he's not yet my EXDH and we have very small children?

Sorry but you can't control him anymore.

Yes she can control who is around her children.

No. She can not. You are an idiot

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP are these school events? When the kids are with you don't let ex know about any events. Put them in sports on your time or hobbies without letting him know. We did that. Swimming, and dance that were not school and near where we lived. We didn't want any exes or their "friends" showing up. We did camping trips and family things too.

+1. I stopped telling Ex about events school events, sports stuff, recitals, etc. It's all public info and he could find out easily by googling if he cared. He doesn't. It's not my job to do emotional labor for him anymore. It's also not my job to try to create an image of him for my kids that he is really not able to uphold himself. I got tired of inviting him to stuff and then everyone worrying if he'd show up or not.

Wow, really nice for your kids people. I'm sure your kids would want the other parent there. Mine do. I always extend the olive branch, and if he doesn't show, that's on him. If he does show with his flavor of the month, I get over it and am thankful that at least he showed up. Some of you really need to put your kids first.

Speaking as someone who spent my childhood waiting for my father to show up to events he never came to, you are actually wrong. It is very painful and devastating as a child to have your mother get your hopes up (and if you know she invited your father, then your hopes are up) and have them dashed each time. I wish my mother had just stopped inviting him and had just stopped mentioning him any time I had an event. I knew he was not going to show up and yet my eyes would still search the crowd hoping that somehow each time would be different.

The alternative way to handle this would be to tell him that there is an event but not tell the kid that he'd been invited to the event. This is basically what I do. At the beginning of the month, I send my ex an email with the dates and times of any events that DD has for school or sports or whatever, and let him know that it would mean a lot to her if he was there for at least some of them. I don't talk about it with her. When she asks, I tell her something along the lines of, "I'm not sure if Daddy's coming or not. I will definitely be there, though!"

Another alternative is to let dad plan things on his time so he can have one on one. No kid wants to be with their step parents, they don't ask for step parents or new bf/gf. They want one on one with their parents period. Each needs to make sure they do that even though they aren't together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been separated from my ex-DH for a year but we are not yet divorced. He cheated and wanted to end the marriage. He is now bringing a brand new gf (not even 6 weeks) around the children; having sleepovers when the kids are with him; bringing her to events where I will be etc. Can this be stopped since he's not yet my EXDH and we have very small children?

Sorry but you can't control him anymore.

Yes she can control who is around her children.

No. She can not. You are an idiot

Only sleep overs. My friend did that successfully. And can't be alone with bf/gf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been separated from my ex-DH for a year but we are not yet divorced. He cheated and wanted to end the marriage. He is now bringing a brand new gf (not even 6 weeks) around the children; having sleepovers when the kids are with him; bringing her to events where I will be etc. Can this be stopped since he's not yet my EXDH and we have very small children?

Sorry but you can't control him anymore.

Yes she can control who is around her children.

No. She can not. You are an idiot

Only sleep overs. My friend did that successfully. And can't be alone with bf/gf.

+1 . The language of the agreement needs to be very precise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP are these school events? When the kids are with you don't let ex know about any events. Put them in sports on your time or hobbies without letting him know. We did that. Swimming, and dance that were not school and near where we lived. We didn't want any exes or their "friends" showing up. We did camping trips and family things too.

+1. I stopped telling Ex about events school events, sports stuff, recitals, etc. It's all public info and he could find out easily by googling if he cared. He doesn't. It's not my job to do emotional labor for him anymore. It's also not my job to try to create an image of him for my kids that he is really not able to uphold himself. I got tired of inviting him to stuff and then everyone worrying if he'd show up or not.

Wow, really nice for your kids people. I'm sure your kids would want the other parent there. Mine do. I always extend the olive branch, and if he doesn't show, that's on him. If he does show with his flavor of the month, I get over it and am thankful that at least he showed up. Some of you really need to put your kids first.

Speaking as someone who spent my childhood waiting for my father to show up to events he never came to, you are actually wrong. It is very painful and devastating as a child to have your mother get your hopes up (and if you know she invited your father, then your hopes are up) and have them dashed each time. I wish my mother had just stopped inviting him and had just stopped mentioning him any time I had an event. I knew he was not going to show up and yet my eyes would still search the crowd hoping that somehow each time would be different.

The alternative way to handle this would be to tell him that there is an event but not tell the kid that he'd been invited to the event. This is basically what I do. At the beginning of the month, I send my ex an email with the dates and times of any events that DD has for school or sports or whatever, and let him know that it would mean a lot to her if he was there for at least some of them. I don't talk about it with her. When she asks, I tell her something along the lines of, "I'm not sure if Daddy's coming or not. I will definitely be there, though!"

Another alternative is to let dad plan things on his time so he can have one on one. No kid wants to be with their step parents, they don't ask for step parents or new bf/gf. They want one on one with their parents period. Each needs to make sure they do that even though they aren't together.

This is false. My parents divorced young. I loved and adored both my step parents and still do. In fact, I would have been hurt if they hadn't attended events or participated in my life. Unfortunately, blended families are pretty common nowadays. Kids end up having two families. Not just a bubble of Mom and divorced Dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP are these school events? When the kids are with you don't let ex know about any events. Put them in sports on your time or hobbies without letting him know. We did that. Swimming, and dance that were not school and near where we lived. We didn't want any exes or their "friends" showing up. We did camping trips and family things too.

+1. I stopped telling Ex about events school events, sports stuff, recitals, etc. It's all public info and he could find out easily by googling if he cared. He doesn't. It's not my job to do emotional labor for him anymore. It's also not my job to try to create an image of him for my kids that he is really not able to uphold himself. I got tired of inviting him to stuff and then everyone worrying if he'd show up or not.

Wow, really nice for your kids people. I'm sure your kids would want the other parent there. Mine do. I always extend the olive branch, and if he doesn't show, that's on him. If he does show with his flavor of the month, I get over it and am thankful that at least he showed up. Some of you really need to put your kids first.

Speaking as someone who spent my childhood waiting for my father to show up to events he never came to, you are actually wrong. It is very painful and devastating as a child to have your mother get your hopes up (and if you know she invited your father, then your hopes are up) and have them dashed each time. I wish my mother had just stopped inviting him and had just stopped mentioning him any time I had an event. I knew he was not going to show up and yet my eyes would still search the crowd hoping that somehow each time would be different.

The alternative way to handle this would be to tell him that there is an event but not tell the kid that he'd been invited to the event. This is basically what I do. At the beginning of the month, I send my ex an email with the dates and times of any events that DD has for school or sports or whatever, and let him know that it would mean a lot to her if he was there for at least some of them. I don't talk about it with her. When she asks, I tell her something along the lines of, "I'm not sure if Daddy's coming or not. I will definitely be there, though!"

Another alternative is to let dad plan things on his time so he can have one on one. No kid wants to be with their step parents, they don't ask for step parents or new bf/gf. They want one on one with their parents period. Each needs to make sure they do that even though they aren't together.

This is false. My parents divorced young. I loved and adored both my step parents and still do. In fact, I would have been hurt if they hadn't attended events or participated in my life. Unfortunately, blended families are pretty common nowadays. Kids end up having two families. Not just a bubble of Mom and divorced Dad.

+1. I feel like people are doing more harm than good by forcing kids to compartmentalize their lives. "Oh sorry Larla, that woman your Dad married that you spend half the time with and that you love and feel close to? Well, she's just your Dad's wife, so she shouldn't come to your activities." Riiiiight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP are these school events? When the kids are with you don't let ex know about any events. Put them in sports on your time or hobbies without letting him know. We did that. Swimming, and dance that were not school and near where we lived. We didn't want any exes or their "friends" showing up. We did camping trips and family things too.

+1. I stopped telling Ex about events school events, sports stuff, recitals, etc. It's all public info and he could find out easily by googling if he cared. He doesn't. It's not my job to do emotional labor for him anymore. It's also not my job to try to create an image of him for my kids that he is really not able to uphold himself. I got tired of inviting him to stuff and then everyone worrying if he'd show up or not.

Wow, really nice for your kids people. I'm sure your kids would want the other parent there. Mine do. I always extend the olive branch, and if he doesn't show, that's on him. If he does show with his flavor of the month, I get over it and am thankful that at least he showed up. Some of you really need to put your kids first.

Speaking as someone who spent my childhood waiting for my father to show up to events he never came to, you are actually wrong. It is very painful and devastating as a child to have your mother get your hopes up (and if you know she invited your father, then your hopes are up) and have them dashed each time. I wish my mother had just stopped inviting him and had just stopped mentioning him any time I had an event. I knew he was not going to show up and yet my eyes would still search the crowd hoping that somehow each time would be different.

The alternative way to handle this would be to tell him that there is an event but not tell the kid that he'd been invited to the event. This is basically what I do. At the beginning of the month, I send my ex an email with the dates and times of any events that DD has for school or sports or whatever, and let him know that it would mean a lot to her if he was there for at least some of them. I don't talk about it with her. When she asks, I tell her something along the lines of, "I'm not sure if Daddy's coming or not. I will definitely be there, though!"

Another alternative is to let dad plan things on his time so he can have one on one. No kid wants to be with their step parents, they don't ask for step parents or new bf/gf. They want one on one with their parents period. Each needs to make sure they do that even though they aren't together.

This is false. My parents divorced young. I loved and adored both my step parents and still do. In fact, I would have been hurt if they hadn't attended events or participated in my life. Unfortunately, blended families are pretty common nowadays. Kids end up having two families. Not just a bubble of Mom and divorced Dad.

+1. I feel like people are doing more harm than good by forcing kids to compartmentalize their lives. "Oh sorry Larla, that woman your Dad married that you spend half the time with and that you love and feel close to? Well, she's just your Dad's wife, so she shouldn't come to your activities." Riiiiight.

Is there a post in this thread advocating this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been separated from my ex-DH for a year but we are not yet divorced. He cheated and wanted to end the marriage. He is now bringing a brand new gf (not even 6 weeks) around the children; having sleepovers when the kids are with him; bringing her to events where I will be etc. Can this be stopped since he's not yet my EXDH and we have very small children?

Sorry but you can't control him anymore.

Yes she can control who is around her children.

No, she can't. Impossible to enforce.

biglaw here.

She can't.

NP. Another big law attorney here. Yes, she can, but only as part of divorce proceedings. When I divorced, I made my husband agree to a clause in our settlement that barred him from having any significant other around our children until they had been dating for at least three years. I also barred him from bringing any friend (except for those listed in the agreement) around our children without prior approval from me. I agreed to be similarly bound. I also had a fine (and reimbursement of attorneys' fees needed to enforce the clause) attached to each violation. These clauses expire when our youngest child turns 14.

It has been 9 years since our divorce and we have done well for the most part. I had to enforce the clause once when he had a girlfriend of several months skulking around our kids and was claiming she was just a tenant. I gathered evidence she was more than a tenant. He called my bluff regarding enforcing the girlfriend clause, so I went to court and had him enjoined from having her around the kids. And I enforced the fine (no attorneys' fees because I handled the matter myself).

You can do a lot with a settlement agreement, but an agreement is only as strong as you are. My ex knows I will strangle him and send his soul to Hades if he brings any of his shady friends, exes, nextses, and drama around our children.

Your prescriptive settlement is missing the forest for the trees. While it makes you feel in control and might be satisfying, I wonder what long-term impact that has had on the kids.

Agreed. This sounds super controlling to me.

+1. Feel bad for the kids.

I feel bad for the kids too! What kid wouldn't want the chance to get attached to the flavor of the month only for her to disappear or turn out to be crazy? It is definitely best for the kids to be exposed to as many short-term flings as possible. Think of all the fun people they've missed out on. Terrible mom.

You're teaching your kids to be bitter, vengeful, and controlling. This is no doing them a favor for future relationships, romantic or otherwise.

It's interesting that her DH was adult enough to marry and have children with, but after divorce he needed to be controlled and micromanaged "for the kids". Funny how that works out.

Lol. There are a lot of salty men in this thread. How mad were you when your ex didn't let you bring your latest fling to your kid's birthday party?

We had our own celebrations. Why would I go to my exes house, lol. We have our parties and celebrations, ex has their own. Most I know do that. It allows my side of the family to spend quality time with kids. Same with with ex which works for all!