Fiancee with moderate income insists on private school for daughter

[Anonymous]

Don't get married. Just continue to date.

I am assuming she has joint custody and you also have joint/partial custody of your kids. Until you can agree upon what to spend on all 3 kids, I would not get married. It would be a whole other thing if her ex were paying for private school tuition on his own. it really doesn't seem fair if she plans to spend a big chunk of her take home on private school tuition while you pay for most bills and your kids attend public.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all the insights, they are appreciated, even the ones that chewed me out.

What is resonating most for me is, I don't want my kids to feel like less-than, that they are going to a lesser school, esp when I pay a premium to live in a neighborhood with excellent, well-regarded schools.

It also bothers me that much of her income - that should go towards our long-term goals like retirement and college for the kids - will be diverted for that purpose, and I will end up paying a disproportionate amount for the bills so she can do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the insights, they are appreciated, even the ones that chewed me out.

What is resonating most for me is, I don't want my kids to feel like less-than, that they are going to a lesser school, esp when I pay a premium to live in a neighborhood with excellent, well-regarded schools.

It also bothers me that much of her income - that should go towards our long-term goals like retirement and college for the kids - will be diverted for that purpose, and I will end up paying a disproportionate amount for the bills so she can do that.

Have you told her exactly this? It's valid. And makes me sad. And I am genuinely interested in hearing her response as to how it makes her feel in regard to your children.

[Anonymous]

I would never marry someone who didnt have their student loans paid off by their mid 30s. Shes a trail of bad decisions. You are making a mistake marrying this hot mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the insights, they are appreciated, even the ones that chewed me out.

What is resonating most for me is, I don't want my kids to feel like less-than, that they are going to a lesser school, esp when I pay a premium to live in a neighborhood with excellent, well-regarded schools.

It also bothers me that much of her income - that should go towards our long-term goals like retirement and college for the kids - will be diverted for that purpose, and I will end up paying a disproportionate amount for the bills so she can do that.

Your last paragraph is really the crux of the matter here and should be discussed, and I would go with a PP who mentioned having a 3rd party financial planner involved.
I would not make going to the financial planner just about this, but rather a general "I made an appt with a financial planner for us to help navigate how we are going to join expenses and make the best choices for our amazing future" kind of thing, and then let the planner lay out what impact that will have.
You will then have numbers to show her after the appointment about what it really looks like and what effect it is having on your joint lives.
Good luck OP, this is a tough one

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the insights, they are appreciated, even the ones that chewed me out.

What is resonating most for me is, I don't want my kids to feel like less-than, that they are going to a lesser school, esp when I pay a premium to live in a neighborhood with excellent, well-regarded schools.

It also bothers me that much of her income - that should go towards our long-term goals like retirement and college for the kids - will be diverted for that purpose, and I will end up paying a disproportionate amount for the bills so she can do that.

Your last paragraph is really the crux of the matter here and should be discussed, and I would go with a PP who mentioned having a 3rd party financial planner involved.
I would not make going to the financial planner just about this, but rather a general "I made an appt with a financial planner for us to help navigate how we are going to join expenses and make the best choices for our amazing future" kind of thing, and then let the planner lay out what impact that will have.
You will then have numbers to show her after the appointment about what it really looks like and what effect it is having on your joint lives.
Good luck OP, this is a tough one

I'm going to disagree a bit - I think the financial planning is secondary to the issue in the second paragraph that apparently the fiancee sees nothing abnormal about her DD and the OP's two children being treated disparately. This is not a family in the making.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you love her, I would marry her anyway, but get a prenup. If you can't do a prenup, talk to an attorney about how to keep your assets separate to the degree possible.

Personally, I would just live together.

Dumb. A prenup isn't going to protect him from eventually funding her retirement, including all the major expenses that would entail, if they end up staying together and she never gets her financial act together.

I wouldn't get married, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the insights, they are appreciated, even the ones that chewed me out.

What is resonating most for me is, I don't want my kids to feel like less-than, that they are going to a lesser school, esp when I pay a premium to live in a neighborhood with excellent, well-regarded schools.

It also bothers me that much of her income - that should go towards our long-term goals like retirement and college for the kids - will be diverted for that purpose, and I will end up paying a disproportionate amount for the bills so she can do that.

Your last paragraph is really the crux of the matter here and should be discussed, and I would go with a PP who mentioned having a 3rd party financial planner involved.
I would not make going to the financial planner just about this, but rather a general "I made an appt with a financial planner for us to help navigate how we are going to join expenses and make the best choices for our amazing future" kind of thing, and then let the planner lay out what impact that will have.
You will then have numbers to show her after the appointment about what it really looks like and what effect it is having on your joint lives.
Good luck OP, this is a tough one

I'm going to disagree a bit - I think the financial planning is secondary to the issue in the second paragraph that apparently the fiancee sees nothing abnormal about her DD and the OP's two children being treated disparately. This is not a family in the making.

NP here. OP said that he does NOT want his kids to think they are being treated "less than". He see's that as an issue.

I think OP that you need to get to a place where you are comfortable with the finances before you set a wedding date. I would do some pre-marriage counseling (many couples do it, its a great idea when both people have kids, and it will help you communicate effectively about more than just money), and then follow that up with some financial counseling and planning for how much money you want to have when you retire, when you want to retire, and what needs to happen between now and then to make it happen.

It's really hard to be a single parent and save money. I know because I'm doing it. I'm putting as much money as I can toward retirement and college, I'm starting to look into my investment options, and I feel like I'm constantly juggling how to make everything work. It's really hard, and I recently took a class through my job that taught me about different investment options, and how to plan for retirement. Granted, I could never afford private school, so my kid is in a DC charter school, but saving enough is hard (and I bought a house - also hard).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the insights, they are appreciated, even the ones that chewed me out.

What is resonating most for me is, I don't want my kids to feel like less-than, that they are going to a lesser school, esp when I pay a premium to live in a neighborhood with excellent, well-regarded schools.

It also bothers me that much of her income - that should go towards our long-term goals like retirement and college for the kids - will be diverted for that purpose, and I will end up paying a disproportionate amount for the bills so she can do that.

You seem very focused on her income versus your income. Be a team. Not everything is going to be equal with your finances. You're going to pay for things that you don't want to and vice versa. You could get sick and have to retire early and she could end up supporting you.

You need to work on being a team and not viewing things as your money or hers. You also need to show her the numbers of how much will be spent on this school and why it is a problem for your budget. Don't make it about your money versus hers. The issue is that you're in this together and the school isn't something you can afford.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My fiancee is divorced and has a seven year old daughter. Although she has an income well below six figures - and lives in an excellent school district - she insists on splitting private school tuition with her ex. Unfortunately, she then has no money to contribute to retirement or do much else other than pay her rent and basic expenses.

What can I do to get her to realize that she needs to plan for her future? She has no assets and a fair amount of student loan debt as well.

If she didn't marry you - what was the plan she had? Just wing it?

Does she stand to increase her income in the coming years? How old will she be when child is out of private and college? Young enough to contribute a lot at that time?

She is newly divorced. To her credit, she no longer uses a credit card and is making a dent in the small amount of cc debt she had (it was due to fertility treatments). She then plans to tackle the student debt. If she didn't have the private school tuition she could probably eliminate all cc debt and student loans on her own in about five years.

She is in her late 30s.

Oh boy. She financed fertility treatments on a freaking credit card and then divorced. She seems to make a lot of bad decisions. Think about running now, op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My fiancee is divorced and has a seven year old daughter. Although she has an income well below six figures - and lives in an excellent school district - she insists on splitting private school tuition with her ex. Unfortunately, she then has no money to contribute to retirement or do much else other than pay her rent and basic expenses.

What can I do to get her to realize that she needs to plan for her future? She has no assets and a fair amount of student loan debt as well.

If she didn't marry you - what was the plan she had? Just wing it?

Does she stand to increase her income in the coming years? How old will she be when child is out of private and college? Young enough to contribute a lot at that time?

She is newly divorced. To her credit, she no longer uses a credit card and is making a dent in the small amount of cc debt she had (it was due to fertility treatments). She then plans to tackle the student debt. If she didn't have the private school tuition she could probably eliminate all cc debt and student loans on her own in about five years.

She is in her late 30s.

Oh boy. She financed fertility treatments on a freaking credit card and then divorced. She seems to make a lot of bad decisions. Think about running now, op

She has both credit card debt AND student loans in her late 30's and she is paying for private school tuition?!?!

I went to public school, ivy league college and grad school and have a seven figure HHI and our kids still go to our perfectly great public school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the insights, they are appreciated, even the ones that chewed me out.

What is resonating most for me is, I don't want my kids to feel like less-than, that they are going to a lesser school, esp when I pay a premium to live in a neighborhood with excellent, well-regarded schools.

It also bothers me that much of her income - that should go towards our long-term goals like retirement and college for the kids - will be diverted for that purpose, and I will end up paying a disproportionate amount for the bills so she can do that.

You seem very focused on her income versus your income. Be a team. Not everything is going to be equal with your finances. You're going to pay for things that you don't want to and vice versa. You could get sick and have to retire early and she could end up supporting you.

You need to work on being a team and not viewing things as your money or hers. You also need to show her the numbers of how much will be spent on this school and why it is a problem for your budget. Don't make it about your money versus hers. The issue is that you're in this together and the school isn't something you can afford.

I agree with this.

OP, if your children are in a good school system they should not feel less than simply because her child is going private. Fairfax is a great system! You and your children should also understand that the child is able to go private because of the contribution her father is making.

And yeah, the crux of it all seems to be that "her" money is being diverted towards private and that your money will allow that to happen. As the pp said, stop thinking in terms of her money vs. yours. If you want to marry her, you need to go ALL IN and stop with the "50/50" stuff.

On the other hand, if that is going to be a real issue for you, reconsider. the money thing breaks up marriages like nothing else. Then you'll be paying for a costly divorce and have your family torn apart.

[Anonymous]

Don't get married. You will be taking from your children to give to hers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the insights, they are appreciated, even the ones that chewed me out.

What is resonating most for me is, I don't want my kids to feel like less-than, that they are going to a lesser school, esp when I pay a premium to live in a neighborhood with excellent, well-regarded schools.

It also bothers me that much of her income - that should go towards our long-term goals like retirement and college for the kids - will be diverted for that purpose, and I will end up paying a disproportionate amount for the bills so she can do that.

You seem very focused on her income versus your income. Be a team. Not everything is going to be equal with your finances. You're going to pay for things that you don't want to and vice versa. You could get sick and have to retire early and she could end up supporting you.

You need to work on being a team and not viewing things as your money or hers. You also need to show her the numbers of how much will be spent on this school and why it is a problem for your budget. Don't make it about your money versus hers. The issue is that you're in this together and the school isn't something you can afford.

I agree with this.

OP, if your children are in a good school system they should not feel less than simply because her child is going private. Fairfax is a great system! You and your children should also understand that the child is able to go private because of the contribution her father is making.

And yeah, the crux of it all seems to be that "her" money is being diverted towards private and that your money will allow that to happen. As the pp said, stop thinking in terms of her money vs. yours. If you want to marry her, you need to go ALL IN and stop with the "50/50" stuff.

On the other hand, if that is going to be a real issue for you, reconsider. the money thing breaks up marriages like nothing else. Then you'll be paying for a costly divorce and have your family torn apart.

Except that's not really true. As a result of the private school there will be less money available for OP's children for college (presuming that OP and new DW will be contributing equally to the college funds for all of the children).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the insights, they are appreciated, even the ones that chewed me out.

What is resonating most for me is, I don't want my kids to feel like less-than, that they are going to a lesser school, esp when I pay a premium to live in a neighborhood with excellent, well-regarded schools.

It also bothers me that much of her income - that should go towards our long-term goals like retirement and college for the kids - will be diverted for that purpose, and I will end up paying a disproportionate amount for the bills so she can do that.

You seem very focused on her income versus your income. Be a team. Not everything is going to be equal with your finances. You're going to pay for things that you don't want to and vice versa. You could get sick and have to retire early and she could end up supporting you.

You need to work on being a team and not viewing things as your money or hers. You also need to show her the numbers of how much will be spent on this school and why it is a problem for your budget. Don't make it about your money versus hers. The issue is that you're in this together and the school isn't something you can afford.

I agree with this.

OP, if your children are in a good school system they should not feel less than simply because her child is going private. Fairfax is a great system! You and your children should also understand that the child is able to go private because of the contribution her father is making.

And yeah, the crux of it all seems to be that "her" money is being diverted towards private and that your money will allow that to happen. As the pp said, stop thinking in terms of her money vs. yours. If you want to marry her, you need to go ALL IN and stop with the "50/50" stuff.

On the other hand, if that is going to be a real issue for you, reconsider. the money thing breaks up marriages like nothing else. Then you'll be paying for a costly divorce and have your family torn apart.

Except that's not really true. As a result of the private school there will be less money available for OP's children for college (presuming that OP and new DW will be contributing equally to the college funds for all of the children).

Why? If Fiancee and her ex are paying for private--as they are currently doing, what has that to do with his children's college fund? OP sounds like a miser who will make sure HER money only goes to HER kid's college fund while HIS goes to his kids.

He doesn't want his children feeling less than but he also shouldn't want step child's life to become less because Mommy married miser.

OP would be ready to KILL if his kids were in private--with his help--and their mother said "No more! Now that I'm married, DH wants me to put more money towards our marital home."

He sounds like a selfish butthole.