Fiancee with moderate income insists on private school for daughter

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks for continuing discussion.

Between credit card debt and student loans, she owes 70k. Right now she pays minimal amount on CC, nothing on student loans.

[Anonymous]

The sexism in this thread is really apparent. If the sexes were reversed, everyone would tell OP to drop her fiance for being financially irresponsible. It is completely reasonable for a man to be concerned about his potential spouse's finances, especially considering that he had two children of his own to provide for. For an average person, their spouse's finances has a significant impact on their life together. If OP didn't recognize that, he would be financially irresponsible.

However, the private school issue might be non- negotiable since it might be something the fiancée's ex insists on. The fact that she's carrying significant cc debt and student loan balance in her late thirties is more troubling because it might be indicative of a larger pattern of financial irresponsibility.

Before they get married, they should go to a financial planner. Make a budget that lays out the potential expenses for their life together. Discuss how they will meet those expenses. Talking numbers could clarify a lot issues for the both of them.

-a woman

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the insights, they are appreciated, even the ones that chewed me out.

What is resonating most for me is, I don't want my kids to feel like less-than, that they are going to a lesser school, esp when I pay a premium to live in a neighborhood with excellent, well-regarded schools.

It also bothers me that much of her income - that should go towards our long-term goals like retirement and college for the kids - will be diverted for that purpose, and I will end up paying a disproportionate amount for the bills so she can do that.

You seem very focused on her income versus your income. Be a team. Not everything is going to be equal with your finances. You're going to pay for things that you don't want to and vice versa. You could get sick and have to retire early and she could end up supporting you.

You need to work on being a team and not viewing things as your money or hers. You also need to show her the numbers of how much will be spent on this school and why it is a problem for your budget. Don't make it about your money versus hers. The issue is that you're in this together and the school isn't something you can afford.

I agree with this.

OP, if your children are in a good school system they should not feel less than simply because her child is going private. Fairfax is a great system! You and your children should also understand that the child is able to go private because of the contribution her father is making.

And yeah, the crux of it all seems to be that "her" money is being diverted towards private and that your money will allow that to happen. As the pp said, stop thinking in terms of her money vs. yours. If you want to marry her, you need to go ALL IN and stop with the "50/50" stuff.

On the other hand, if that is going to be a real issue for you, reconsider. the money thing breaks up marriages like nothing else. Then you'll be paying for a costly divorce and have your family torn apart.

Except that's not really true. As a result of the private school there will be less money available for OP's children for college (presuming that OP and new DW will be contributing equally to the college funds for all of the children).

Why? If Fiancee and her ex are paying for private--as they are currently doing, what has that to do with his children's college fund? OP sounds like a miser who will make sure HER money only goes to HER kid's college fund while HIS goes to his kids.

He doesn't want his children feeling less than but he also shouldn't want step child's life to become less because Mommy married miser.

OP would be ready to KILL if his kids were in private--with his help--and their mother said "No more! Now that I'm married, DH wants me to put more money towards our marital home."

He sounds like a selfish butthole.

Oh hello fiancee.

Female here, and I'm with OP. Don't marry her. She seems selfish and it does sound like she will be taking from your kids to give her kid what she can't afford. Given her financial situation, her plan is ridiculous.

I repeat - DO NOT MARRY HER. There are plenty of nice women in DC who have their shit together. Of course, there are plenty of those who also do not, and it sounds like you have one of them.

The typical jealous woman who hates the idea of a female being provided for. You don't have the looks, body and personality to attract a man to take care of you so begrudge the woman who does. You had to work hard and struggle so every woman should huh?

Ha. I married a hot trust fund baby, and I have the body of a 22 year old. You don't know me at all.

Yeah. And I'm Melania Trump.

But for some reason I have a problem with another woman marrying semi-ok---Said no trophy wife ever.

It doesn't matter what you believe about me or not.

I'm from a rich family and also married into another rich family. But my mom taught me from a very young age that I needed to be independent and not use other people for their money.

with that said - run along you little gold digger. No one wants you here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for continuing discussion.

Between credit card debt and student loans, she owes 70k. Right now she pays minimal amount on CC, nothing on student loans.

I guess what I don't understand is how these conversations go when you talk to her about money, budgets, debt and retirement. What does she say in response to these concerns? What is her plan?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for continuing discussion.

Between credit card debt and student loans, she owes 70k. Right now she pays minimal amount on CC, nothing on student loans.

I guess what I don't understand is how these conversations go when you talk to her about money, budgets, debt and retirement. What does she say in response to these concerns? What is her plan?

FFS, the plan is OBVIOUSLY finding a husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for continuing discussion.

Between credit card debt and student loans, she owes 70k. Right now she pays minimal amount on CC, nothing on student loans.

And she's paying private school tuition?!!

She sounds like a winner.

[Anonymous]

Private school at age 7 is somewhat manageable, but high school tuition is a crime. Plan for that.

OP, I think you are thinking about this with something other than your brain. Your brain knows this gal is trouble but your cock can't stay away. It's a story as old as time. Make your choice and accept the consequences.

[Anonymous]

Question: is she getting alimony? child support? were the fertility treatments fully paid by her and she has the debt but ex does not? has her income changed significantly since she completed school (graduate school?) so that there is an expected step change in the time frame for paying off debt.

We all make choices given the information we have at the time. The question is what is the plan for moving forward? I highly doubt that a judge would make her pay private school tuition as a part of a divorce settlement without seeing that there was a plan for paying off debt.

This topic can not be avoided as you move forward to a blended family. Best of luck navigating the challenges and blessings that love and children bring us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for continuing discussion.

Between credit card debt and student loans, she owes 70k. Right now she pays minimal amount on CC, nothing on student loans.

How does she justify private school tuition when she can't pay off her credit card debt? DOes she not realize how financially irresponsible she is?

Does her DH earn significantly more than her? Have him pay for private or send the damn kid to public school. Your fiancé can't afford private school tuition and you live in a good public school system.

Do you guys live together now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for continuing discussion.

Between credit card debt and student loans, she owes 70k. Right now she pays minimal amount on CC, nothing on student loans.

$70 k in debt is somewhat understandable given that it includes SL and she's a single mom. Many in the site cite SL/debt at $150k or higher.

She's raising a child and paying to live in an expensive area for goodness sake!

Once you're married why can't what she pays in rent go towards her debts? Why should her child have to sacrifice her education? Not all FX schools are good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for continuing discussion.

Between credit card debt and student loans, she owes 70k. Right now she pays minimal amount on CC, nothing on student loans.

$70 k in debt is somewhat understandable given that it includes SL and she's a single mom. Many in the site cite SL/debt at $150k or higher.

She's raising a child and paying to live in an expensive area for goodness sake!

Once you're married why can't what she pays in rent go towards her debts? Why should her child have to sacrifice her education? Not all FX schools are good.

So you are suggesting that OP covers all living expenses and his fiancé uses what she pays in rent towards her debt and rest of her money towards her DD's private school tuition?

That doesn't sound very fair to OP. At the same time, it isn't uncommon for the male to support the entire family. Blended families complicate matters. I'm a SAHM of 3 kids but they are our biological kids. When we got married, DH paid for all living expenses and I put ALL of my income towards my student loans. We considered it our debt to pay off since everything was joint and family money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for continuing discussion.

Between credit card debt and student loans, she owes 70k. Right now she pays minimal amount on CC, nothing on student loans.

$70 k in debt is somewhat understandable given that it includes SL and she's a single mom. Many in the site cite SL/debt at $150k or higher.

She's raising a child and paying to live in an expensive area for goodness sake!

Once you're married why can't what she pays in rent go towards her debts? Why should her child have to sacrifice her education? Not all FX schools are good.

So you are suggesting that OP covers all living expenses and his fiancé uses what she pays in rent towards her debt and rest of her money towards her DD's private school tuition?

That doesn't sound very fair to OP. At the same time, it isn't uncommon for the male to support the entire family. Blended families complicate matters. I'm a SAHM of 3 kids but they are our biological kids. When we got married, DH paid for all living expenses and I put ALL of my income towards my student loans. We considered it our debt to pay off since everything was joint and family money.

Reread your 2nd paragraph.

Why was that scenario okay for you and fair for your DH but not OP.

Once they marry their money and bills we become joint as well. If he's so concerned about her debt and retirement, he should cover the expenses and let her pay things down. Or just not marry her. Because joining lives is what marriage is all about.

As one pp said, we never know what tomorrow will bring. What if he gets ill or laid off for some reason and she has to take up the slack? Thats marriage! One day you may have to work for the same reason. And it will be possible because you worked as a team beforehand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for continuing discussion.

Between credit card debt and student loans, she owes 70k. Right now she pays minimal amount on CC, nothing on student loans.

Paying down her cc and student loan debt should absolutely be a priority over sending her child to private school. Especially given that she is in a decent school district. She sounds like she is completely incompetent with her finances. I'd be wary if I were you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for continuing discussion.

Between credit card debt and student loans, she owes 70k. Right now she pays minimal amount on CC, nothing on student loans.

$70 k in debt is somewhat understandable given that it includes SL and she's a single mom. Many in the site cite SL/debt at $150k or higher.

She's raising a child and paying to live in an expensive area for goodness sake!

Once you're married why can't what she pays in rent go towards her debts? Why should her child have to sacrifice her education? Not all FX schools are good.

So you are suggesting that OP covers all living expenses and his fiancé uses what she pays in rent towards her debt and rest of her money towards her DD's private school tuition?

That doesn't sound very fair to OP. At the same time, it isn't uncommon for the male to support the entire family. Blended families complicate matters. I'm a SAHM of 3 kids but they are our biological kids. When we got married, DH paid for all living expenses and I put ALL of my income towards my student loans. We considered it our debt to pay off since everything was joint and family money.

Reread your 2nd paragraph.

Why was that scenario okay for you and fair for your DH but not OP.

Once they marry their money and bills we become joint as well. If he's so concerned about her debt and retirement, he should cover the expenses and let her pay things down. Or just not marry her. Because joining lives is what marriage is all about.

As one pp said, we never know what tomorrow will bring. What if he gets ill or laid off for some reason and she has to take up the slack? Thats marriage! One day you may have to work for the same reason. And it will be possible because you worked as a team beforehand.

It doesn't sound like OP or his fiancé make a ton of money. They both already have children and both probably put their children's best interests first. In my situation, DH and I put our children as our number one priority but they are our children. That is the main difference. OP doesn't seem like he feels like he is putting his future stepdaughter in the same category as his own biological children and vice versa.

[Anonymous]

No way I'd marry someone that was a financial burden and expected their kid to go to private while mine when to public schools. This will breed resentment. Just don't do it.