Fiancee with moderate income insists on private school for daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say she is recently divorced. Has her daughter always gone to this school? I can imagine the parents don't want to pull a first second or second grader from her school/routine right after a divorce.

And it can be hard to get back on your feet financially after a divorce. But it sounds like she is self-sufficient for now, she just isn't saving.

I say cut her loose. She and her daughter can do a lot better than some dude who doesn't see himself as part of her future.

Your fiancee needs to kick the football down the road for a little bit to help her young daughter's needs right now. Accept it or move on.

A few good points, a few giant leaps.

Is it unreasonable to expect that someone almost 40 would have something saved?

Spending all your money on your children means you'll be living off them in thirty years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My fiancee is divorced and has a seven year old daughter. Although she has an income well below six figures - and lives in an excellent school district - she insists on splitting private school tuition with her ex. Unfortunately, she then has no money to contribute to retirement or do much else other than pay her rent and basic expenses.

What can I do to get her to realize that she needs to plan for her future? She has no assets and a fair amount of student loan debt as well.

Her plan is you.

X1000 op, how do you not see this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My fiancee is divorced and has a seven year old daughter. Although she has an income well below six figures - and lives in an excellent school district - she insists on splitting private school tuition with her ex. Unfortunately, she then has no money to contribute to retirement or do much else other than pay her rent and basic expenses.

What can I do to get her to realize that she needs to plan for her future? She has no assets and a fair amount of student loan debt as well.

1. I can't fault your fiancee for wanting the best for her daughter, especially following a divorce. (She ought, however, look at financial aid options--she may qualify). We live in an area with allegedly excellent public schools and have been sorely disappointed in the quality of education.

2. You express no concern whatsoever for your soon-to-be-stepdaughter's well-being.

3. You need to have a serious conversation with your fiancee about financial expectations, division of assets/income, etc. It certainly doesn't sound like you've done so.

4. In short, this is your collective problem, not just "her" problem. You're not treating it as such.

This is not a prestigious school - just expensive. The public schools in her area have an excellent reputation and she would be going to school with friends in her neighborhood as opposed to the long drive to the private school. If they go for private later, I think they get much more bang for the buck in middle/high school, where colleges would care about the brand name.

I care very much for the step-daughter's well-being - I just don't think my fiancee should sacrifice her retirement and financial future for this.

You're correct that we need to have a talk. What I was hoping to gain on this board is some opinions about how to open up that dialogue.

Careful there buddy, you are bordering on interfering in her parental relationship with her daughter. This private school decision is supported by both of this girls parents and it is none of your business. I suspect she was probably already attending said school when you came into her life and now you want to take control of the situation. I don't think you are worried, I think you want to do it your way. And for goodness sake, do not use the "when/if we have a kid, our kid will attend public school," kiss of death. If you are concerned about combining finances approach it from that side of the conversation, leave the stepdaughter (soon to be) alone, this is her parents' decision and something ONLY they control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say she is recently divorced. Has her daughter always gone to this school? I can imagine the parents don't want to pull a first second or second grader from her school/routine right after a divorce.

And it can be hard to get back on your feet financially after a divorce. But it sounds like she is self-sufficient for now, she just isn't saving.

I say cut her loose. She and her daughter can do a lot better than some dude who doesn't see himself as part of her future.

Your fiancee needs to kick the football down the road for a little bit to help her young daughter's needs right now. Accept it or move on.

A few good points, a few giant leaps.

Is it unreasonable to expect that someone almost 40 would have something saved?

Spending all your money on your children means you'll be living off them in thirty years.

Ok, this can't be real. You seem so..contemptuous...not at all like a partner. Maybe it is not unreasonable to expect it, but for a great many people, that is their reality. Student loans, medical issues, lower paying jobs without the skills to move up to higher paying.

I would bet that right now, she is hoping SS will still be there and I HOPE she in not relying on you as her plan. Especially since she has barely known you and has been in the same situation for quite awhile. So it is not like she could have foreseen that her "white knight" would come and scoop her up and she could magically do nothing or that sh ehe you and all of a sudden became broke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My fiancee is divorced and has a seven year old daughter. Although she has an income well below six figures - and lives in an excellent school district - she insists on splitting private school tuition with her ex. Unfortunately, she then has no money to contribute to retirement or do much else other than pay her rent and basic expenses.

What can I do to get her to realize that she needs to plan for her future? She has no assets and a fair amount of student loan debt as well.

1. I can't fault your fiancee for wanting the best for her daughter, especially following a divorce. (She ought, however, look at financial aid options--she may qualify). We live in an area with allegedly excellent public schools and have been sorely disappointed in the quality of education.

2. You express no concern whatsoever for your soon-to-be-stepdaughter's well-being.

3. You need to have a serious conversation with your fiancee about financial expectations, division of assets/income, etc. It certainly doesn't sound like you've done so.

4. In short, this is your collective problem, not just "her" problem. You're not treating it as such.

This is not a prestigious school - just expensive. The public schools in her area have an excellent reputation and she would be going to school with friends in her neighborhood as opposed to the long drive to the private school. If they go for private later, I think they get much more bang for the buck in middle/high school, where colleges would care about the brand name.

I care very much for the step-daughter's well-being - I just don't think my fiancee should sacrifice her retirement and financial future for this.

You're correct that we need to have a talk. What I was hoping to gain on this board is some opinions about how to open up that dialogue.

Careful there buddy, you are bordering on interfering in her parental relationship with her daughter. This private school decision is supported by both of this girls parents and it is none of your business. I suspect she was probably already attending said school when you came into her life and now you want to take control of the situation. I don't think you are worried, I think you want to do it your way. And for goodness sake, do not use the "when/if we have a kid, our kid will attend public school," kiss of death. If you are concerned about combining finances approach it from that side of the conversation, leave the stepdaughter (soon to be) alone, this is her parents' decision and something ONLY they control.

He just can't win can he?

First poster said: You're not talking enough about the well-being of the girl!
Second poster said: Well, she's your future daughter and your future wife so their security is your top concern!
Third poster said: Their school decision is none of your concern! You're not her real father.

Well, which is it?!

[Anonymous]

What I find interesting is that some people are suggesting that the private school thing is something that should be done, even if it jeopardizes retirement etc. And in the other thread about helping elderly parents so many people came out and said that parents don't deserve financial help if they couldn't responsibly plan for a stable retirement etc.

[Anonymous]

Would she be considering private school if she wasn't planning to marry you? Or does she feel that it's possible because while you may not be wealthy, you ARE a second income which could make her think it's doable.

Money is the #1 cause of divorce. Not adultery, as many think. People work through cheating all the time, but money issues can literally break the union.

Add to that the fact that marriages that began without lots of baggage starts with just a 50% chance. Add an ex-spouse and children to that mix and the chance at a successful marriage is even more precarious.

The bottom line is that you guys need to talk and figure out this money thing before sending out invitations.

Pssst: Just curious. You said that she is recently divorced? But now your fiancee? How does that happen? Did your relationship overlap her marriage by any chance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What I find interesting is that some people are suggesting that the private school thing is something that should be done, even if it jeopardizes retirement etc. And in the other thread about helping elderly parents so many people came out and said that parents don't deserve financial help if they couldn't responsibly plan for a stable retirement etc.

Yes, fascinating. And if gender was reversed, there's not a woman here who wouldn't kick him to the curb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My fiancee is divorced and has a seven year old daughter. Although she has an income well below six figures - and lives in an excellent school district - she insists on splitting private school tuition with her ex. Unfortunately, she then has no money to contribute to retirement or do much else other than pay her rent and basic expenses.

What can I do to get her to realize that she needs to plan for her future? She has no assets and a fair amount of student loan debt as well.

1. I can't fault your fiancee for wanting the best for her daughter, especially following a divorce. (She ought, however, look at financial aid options--she may qualify). We live in an area with allegedly excellent public schools and have been sorely disappointed in the quality of education.

2. You express no concern whatsoever for your soon-to-be-stepdaughter's well-being.

3. You need to have a serious conversation with your fiancee about financial expectations, division of assets/income, etc. It certainly doesn't sound like you've done so.

4. In short, this is your collective problem, not just "her" problem. You're not treating it as such.

This is not a prestigious school - just expensive. The public schools in her area have an excellent reputation and she would be going to school with friends in her neighborhood as opposed to the long drive to the private school. If they go for private later, I think they get much more bang for the buck in middle/high school, where colleges would care about the brand name.

I care very much for the step-daughter's well-being - I just don't think my fiancee should sacrifice her retirement and financial future for this.

You're correct that we need to have a talk. What I was hoping to gain on this board is some opinions about how to open up that dialogue.

Careful there buddy, you are bordering on interfering in her parental relationship with her daughter. This private school decision is supported by both of this girls parents and it is none of your business. I suspect she was probably already attending said school when you came into her life and now you want to take control of the situation. I don't think you are worried, I think you want to do it your way. And for goodness sake, do not use the "when/if we have a kid, our kid will attend public school," kiss of death. If you are concerned about combining finances approach it from that side of the conversation, leave the stepdaughter (soon to be) alone, this is her parents' decision and something ONLY they control.

He just can't win can he?

First poster said: You're not talking enough about the well-being of the girl!
Second poster said: Well, she's your future daughter and your future wife so their security is your top concern!
Third poster said: Their school decision is none of your concern! You're not her real father.

Well, which is it?!

The third one, if you want family harmony for the long term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would she be considering private school if she wasn't planning to marry you? Or does she feel that it's possible because while you may not be wealthy, you ARE a second income which could make her think it's doable.

Money is the #1 cause of divorce. Not adultery, as many think. People work through cheating all the time, but money issues can literally break the union.

Add to that the fact that marriages that began without lots of baggage starts with just a 50% chance. Add an ex-spouse and children to that mix and the chance at a successful marriage is even more precarious.

The bottom line is that you guys need to talk and figure out this money thing before sending out invitations.

Pssst: Just curious. You said that she is recently divorced? But now your fiancee? How does that happen? Did your relationship overlap her marriage by any chance?

Not OP, but that's none of your business nosey

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would she be considering private school if she wasn't planning to marry you? Or does she feel that it's possible because while you may not be wealthy, you ARE a second income which could make her think it's doable.

Money is the #1 cause of divorce. Not adultery, as many think. People work through cheating all the time, but money issues can literally break the union.

Add to that the fact that marriages that began without lots of baggage starts with just a 50% chance. Add an ex-spouse and children to that mix and the chance at a successful marriage is even more precarious.

The bottom line is that you guys need to talk and figure out this money thing before sending out invitations.

Pssst: Just curious. You said that she is recently divorced? But now your fiancee? How does that happen? Did your relationship overlap her marriage by any chance?

Not OP, but that's none of your business nosey

Well, it would just add a +100 pts to the possibility of a divorce. It also says a lot about character, usual decision-making, logic, etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have children?

If not, let it be. She was doing what she was doing before you met. If she chose to not save so her daughter could go to certain school, you aren't really in a position to send the daughter elsewhere.

Either suck it up and welcome her into your family, setting a budget that you can live by together with this expense, or realize it won't work. The only way I can see differently is if you have school aged kids in public.

And I say this is someone who is very pro public school.

Yes, I have two kids who attend public school.

How close in age are your kids to hers?

Would they go to the same public school?

I can totally see talking about unfairness if the kids are same-age and would attend the same school. This is awkward. Tough situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I find interesting is that some people are suggesting that the private school thing is something that should be done, even if it jeopardizes retirement etc. And in the other thread about helping elderly parents so many people came out and said that parents don't deserve financial help if they couldn't responsibly plan for a stable retirement etc.

Yes, fascinating. And if gender was reversed, there's not a woman here who wouldn't kick him to the curb.

Good point, I hadn't thought about that. I think you are correct, if this was a female asking for advice regarding her fiancé I'm sure there would be a large majority telling her to leave him and move on.

[Anonymous]

What can I do to have her be a different person?

That is your question Op. Dating is useful. Useful for a reason. You get to decide.

[Anonymous]

Did her ex make considerably more money than her? She may not have come to terms yet that the divorce means a downgrade in lifestyle.