Fiancee with moderate income insists on private school for daughter

[Anonymous]

How much credit card debt and how much student loans?
You both need to talk about all the money, or lack thereof.
Just sit her down with a pencil and paper and go over the numbers, yours, hers, and how the numbers will change after the marriage. Presumably you will need a combined budget, so you might as well do that now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much credit card debt and how much student loans?
You both need to talk about all the money, or lack thereof.
Just sit her down with a pencil and paper and go over the numbers, yours, hers, and how the numbers will change after the marriage. Presumably you will need a combined budget, so you might as well do that now.

I agree with this approach. You have to have a difficult conversation about income, expenses, budgets and what a path towards retirement looks like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My fiancee is divorced and has a seven year old daughter. Although she has an income well below six figures - and lives in an excellent school district - she insists on splitting private school tuition with her ex. Unfortunately, she then has no money to contribute to retirement or do much else other than pay her rent and basic expenses.

What can I do to get her to realize that she needs to plan for her future? She has no assets and a fair amount of student loan debt as well.

wow this is an easy one OP: tell her you have no problem with it but she has to pay for it with HER money that SHE earns, but only after she pitches in help pay for the expenses once you get married. Part of the mortgage, 401K, etc.

If she still insists on sending her child to private, and technically on your dime, then don't marry her. If you love her you can keep dating her but don't marry her!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My fiancee is divorced and has a seven year old daughter. Although she has an income well below six figures - and lives in an excellent school district - she insists on splitting private school tuition with her ex. Unfortunately, she then has no money to contribute to retirement or do much else other than pay her rent and basic expenses.

What can I do to get her to realize that she needs to plan for her future? She has no assets and a fair amount of student loan debt as well.

for women like this, the man is the plan. you're the plan for the future, OP. How do you feel about that?

[Anonymous]

I would not marry her. Money is the primary reason couples break up. You are clearly not on the same page. And I agree with you, the school thing is nuts. Plus, with her having no money and you not having a lot, resentment would build, and you wouldn't be able to do lots of nice things like travel, eat out, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:STUPID

Very

[Anonymous]

Some of these PPs are pretty harsh!

OP, it sounds like a third party could be helpful here. I suggest you meet with a financial planner to help advise you (plural) on how to plan for your future, including emergency fund, retirement, college savings, etc. With both of you having kids from previous relationships, it is a complicated scenario. An experienced financial planner can help you set priorities and guidelines. The meeting can also help make things clear that might otherwise not be: e.g., if you pay for private now, you will have no college fund for your daughter and will never be able to retire. Or whatever your personal situation may be.

[Anonymous]

If you love her, I would marry her anyway, but get a prenup. If you can't do a prenup, talk to an attorney about how to keep your assets separate to the degree possible.

Personally, I would just live together.

[Anonymous]

The private school might be an agreement between her and the ex in the divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would she be considering private school if she wasn't planning to marry you? Or does she feel that it's possible because while you may not be wealthy, you ARE a second income which could make her think it's doable.

Money is the #1 cause of divorce. Not adultery, as many think. People work through cheating all the time, but money issues can literally break the union.

Add to that the fact that marriages that began without lots of baggage starts with just a 50% chance. Add an ex-spouse and children to that mix and the chance at a successful marriage is even more precarious.

The bottom line is that you guys need to talk and figure out this money thing before sending out invitations.

Pssst: Just curious. You said that she is recently divorced? But now your fiancee? How does that happen? Did your relationship overlap her marriage by any chance?

You do realize that she was already in private school and its being funded by her own father partially?

These posts on DCUM always make some single mother out to be looking for a sponsor to take advantage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My fiancee is divorced and has a seven year old daughter. Although she has an income well below six figures - and lives in an excellent school district - she insists on splitting private school tuition with her ex. Unfortunately, she then has no money to contribute to retirement or do much else other than pay her rent and basic expenses.

What can I do to get her to realize that she needs to plan for her future? She has no assets and a fair amount of student loan debt as well.

wow this is an easy one OP: tell her you have no problem with it but she has to pay for it with HER money that SHE earns, but only after she pitches in help pay for the expenses once you get married. Part of the mortgage, 401K, etc.

If she still insists on sending her child to private, and technically on your dime, then don't marry her. If you love her you can keep dating her but don't marry her!

The problem is that her money is their money once they get married. if the wife chooses to spend a significant amount of her income on private school or will hurt OP's finances whether the check is written from a single or joint checking account. It's money that could be instead saved, used for vacations, the mortgage, etc.

Op I suggest you talk to her and get on the same page. Things like this come up in marriage and money is a big deal. Chances are there will be things you want to do or purchase during the marriage that she may not value. For example, a fancy car. How you address it will set the stage for dealing with these situations later on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much credit card debt and how much student loans?
You both need to talk about all the money, or lack thereof.
Just sit her down with a pencil and paper and go over the numbers, yours, hers, and how the numbers will change after the marriage. Presumably you will need a combined budget, so you might as well do that now.

This is the only logical decision. You don't get to come into the picture and yank this poor girl from her school. But you also will have a say in the financial future for you and your wife. When you get married, where will you live? What school is the best fit for this little girl? Your kids may thrive in public but the private school may be better for your soon to be step daughter.

It doesn't sound to me like the fiancé was relying on a man to come save her. If that was the case, she probably would have gone for someone super wealthy who wouldn't bat an eye at the private tuition. For whatever reason, fiancé and ex decided on a private school for their daughter. It was probably mich more affordable when they were together, but they are willing to sacrifice to send her there. It's not like the is foregoing retirement savings so she can have a fancy new car and designer handbags.

You just have to talk about your joint future and all the money and budget issues.

FWIW my dad starting dating my step mom when all the kids were in middle school. My sister and I went to private, step siblings went to a highly regarded public. My dad did not want to pay for them to go to private school, did not want us to go to public, and they felt it would be too weird for the kids to go to different schools. So they didn't get married until all the kids were out of school.

[Anonymous]

For the love of God, please don't marry her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My fiancee is divorced and has a seven year old daughter. Although she has an income well below six figures - and lives in an excellent school district - she insists on splitting private school tuition with her ex. Unfortunately, she then has no money to contribute to retirement or do much else other than pay her rent and basic expenses.

What can I do to get her to realize that she needs to plan for her future? She has no assets and a fair amount of student loan debt as well.

I'm married to a man with three kids. He had financial arrangements in place for his kids before I met him. Both he and his ex wanted private school for their kids. I knew that going in. We live more simply than we might if he had had no kids. It's fine with me. I can't abide by a man who doesn't support his children. Maybe it's a little different feeling when it's a woman supporting her child, I don't know.

In any event, since you two will live together, the mortgage should be less than whatever the two of you are paying for separate dwellings, right? There's some easy savings right there that can be directed to retirement, or whatever else you prioritize together. Sit down and have these conversations now.

If you want to live like you don't have a kid, it's not going to happen. That child will always be there and your fiancee/wife will always be making decisions that impact that kid....and impact you. It can be infuriating at times. I'm being honest here. So be ready for that. I've been married 12 years now, and despite it all, I'm very happy with my marriage. Again, my husband takes good care of his kids, and I respect him for that. The differences of opinion we have about how to do that pale in comparison.

Just make sure you have your eyes open going in, OK? That kid is there forever. Past age 18. Don't forget about college.

[Anonymous]

I have a brother that married a woman with different concerns financially. The marriage didn't last even a year and cost him a good bit. You two need to get on the same page about money it is a marriage killer. Both of you talking to a financial planner sounds like a good idea. There are a lot of things that she should be worried about with no savings and 40's just around the corner. What would happen to her if ex or you pass away? She needs to have a plan that she can take care of herself if needed.