We are separating, telling kids on Saturday

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are separating. It isn't what I want, but he no longer resembles the man I married. He had an affair with a co-worker about a year ago, and I *think* they ended things, but we've been unable to fix our marriage. He told me last night that the love they had was so amazing, so pure, and so intense that he now believes our 15+ year marriage was a mistake. Barf. SUPPOSEDLY this other woman is in counseling with her husband. I really, really, really want to contact her husband and let him know that whatever happened between his wife and my husband has led to the dissolution of our marriage. I feel he has a right to know, and I'd want to know if I were in his shoes.

On a separate issue, we are telling the kids this weekend. Both children are in lower elementary grades. Can someone who has been through this tell me what it was like when you did it? I expect tears, anger, confusion. I'm committed to holding the line that mommy and daddy both love them and that this is very sad, and that I wish we could all be together but that it just can't happen now.

Tell the woman's husband how her pure love led to the destruction of your family. Your DH and his wife are still in an affair.

they are defininitely still doing something. You should tell the other husband. As long your DH is still with this other woman then he is not working on saving his marriage or family. I am sorry he is putting your and your kids through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are separating. It isn't what I want, but he no longer resembles the man I married. He had an affair with a co-worker about a year ago, and I *think* they ended things, but we've been unable to fix our marriage. He told me last night that the love they had was so amazing, so pure, and so intense that he now believes our 15+ year marriage was a mistake. Barf. SUPPOSEDLY this other woman is in counseling with her husband. I really, really, really want to contact her husband and let him know that whatever happened between his wife and my husband has led to the dissolution of our marriage. I feel he has a right to know, and I'd want to know if I were in his shoes.

On a separate issue, we are telling the kids this weekend. Both children are in lower elementary grades. Can someone who has been through this tell me what it was like when you did it? I expect tears, anger, confusion. I'm committed to holding the line that mommy and daddy both love them and that this is very sad, and that I wish we could all be together but that it just can't happen now.

Focus on your kids and their needs. They will need all your attention and energy. Devoting any thought or energy to the other woman and her relationship is just a revenge instinct that might make you feel satisfaction initially but will not benefit anyone in the long run.

It takes amazing focus and strength not to use your children against one another or try (consciously or subconsciously) to win them over to your side while painting your spouse in a bad light. They don't need and cannot fully understand "an affair". I suggest never telling them about it. They will likely always long to see you together but they also know they are a product of both of you. Any negative qualities that are pointed out, they will begin to wonder if they are also that way (my dad cheated, so it shouldn't surprise anyone that I have an affair). Be strong and get along for their sake. They didn't have a say in this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't tell the other woman's husband. It isn't your place. Their relationship is their relationship, and you play no part in it.

This logic just baffles me. She absolutely plays a part in it because the wife is fucking her DH. That puts her into their relationship whether she wants to be there or not

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not tell your kids about his affair. My Mom told me about my Dad's affair (happened when I was 6-ish, I found out when I was 13-14). They stayed together, but it f-ed up my relationship to men. Changed how I dated and my ability to become truly intimate (not sexual) with a man. Took me YEARS of therapy to get over it.

DH is a horrible husband. Your kids do not need to know that-ever. They need to know he is a great Dad and will always be a great Dad.

Not at 6, but she had a right to tell you as a teenager. Kids should know why their family busted up- and really, sometimes someone is to blame. Instead, they will wonder their whole lives why a marriage just cannot work, when really, there are reasons marriages fail. Like this.

"Dad had an affair with someone at the off=fice,in the neighborhood, at the pool, WHATEVER and I had too much respect for myself to let this continue in my life. I deserved more than that, and I hope you wil realize that when you are older and ready to commit to a guy...you deserve more."

You do not have to denigrate him any further, and you do not need to remove him socially from their lives, but but hiding the truth is stupid.

Yes. At some age, they deserve an explanation and to know that Mom or Dad was a cheater, that it just "didn't work out." Don't like the shame you will face from your kids for oh, the rest of their lives? Too bad. Should have kept your dick in your pants

[Anonymous]

Some seriously angry people on this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some seriously angry people on this thread.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are separating.

I'm sorry both of you are going through this.

[Anonymous]

OP read all of chumplady.com
It will really help. Your husband is an idiot. Their "pure love" is bullshit. You are lucky that the marriage is over. You will thrive. Hugs to you. Be strong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you call the other husband please really dig deep within and find out what your motivation is. Be honest. Is there any part of you that is saying "f you" to the other woman? Is this about vengeance or out of concern for the other DH? "He has a right to know" isn't satisfactory. He obviously knows about the affair. Your marriage is none of his business and vice versa. Telling him may only cause more drama and if that woman and your DH get together permanently, she will be caring for your children. Think about it.
As for the kids, the PP had great advice. Be specific about how their lives will change. Make sure you have made as many of those decisions as possible before you talk to them.

oh really, who cares. That lady deserves to have her family life blown to smithereens. I hope her husband kicks her out and her kids stop speaking to her for years.

I'm not the PP you quoted, but your response is ignoring the fact that the AP's husband might not want to hear this information. He might be in a place where he is working to move past what happened. He might be making progress on getting to where he needs to be, including with putting his relationship back together for him and his kids. I don't think you should meddle in what's going on with another marriage, even if what the AP did affected your marriage.

You give him the information. What he does with it is his choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not tell your kids about his affair. My Mom told me about my Dad's affair (happened when I was 6-ish, I found out when I was 13-14). They stayed together, but it f-ed up my relationship to men. Changed how I dated and my ability to become truly intimate (not sexual) with a man. Took me YEARS of therapy to get over it.

DH is a horrible husband. Your kids do not need to know that-ever. They need to know he is a great Dad and will always be a great Dad.

Not at 6, but she had a right to tell you as a teenager. Kids should know why their family busted up- and really, sometimes someone is to blame. Instead, they will wonder their whole lives why a marriage just cannot work, when really, there are reasons marriages fail. Like this.

"Dad had an affair with someone at the off=fice,in the neighborhood, at the pool, WHATEVER and I had too much respect for myself to let this continue in my life. I deserved more than that, and I hope you wil realize that when you are older and ready to commit to a guy...you deserve more."

You do not have to denigrate him any further, and you do not need to remove him socially from their lives, but but hiding the truth is stupid.

Yes. At some age, they deserve an explanation and to know that Mom or Dad was a cheater, that it just "didn't work out." Don't like the shame you will face from your kids for oh, the rest of their lives? Too bad. Should have kept your dick in your pants

I can't tell you how many times I've seen that type of info fuck up kids lives. That makes the hurt spouse feel better. It NEVER makes the kids feel better. Best to just leave it at we realized we were better parents apart from each other than we were together because we made each other unhappy. We did what we thought was best.

[Anonymous]

To OP,

First, the other husband is not your issue. Focus on your kids.

Second, take the high road with your kids. Throwing your husband under the bus will do you no good in the long run.

Third, make sure you have a good attorney and make sure its not about the money. It's about your kids. Yes, money and kids can't be separated but don't turn it into a lawyers battle until the seat.

Good luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not tell your kids about his affair. My Mom told me about my Dad's affair (happened when I was 6-ish, I found out when I was 13-14). They stayed together, but it f-ed up my relationship to men. Changed how I dated and my ability to become truly intimate (not sexual) with a man. Took me YEARS of therapy to get over it.

DH is a horrible husband. Your kids do not need to know that-ever. They need to know he is a great Dad and will always be a great Dad.

Not at 6, but she had a right to tell you as a teenager. Kids should know why their family busted up- and really, sometimes someone is to blame. Instead, they will wonder their whole lives why a marriage just cannot work, when really, there are reasons marriages fail. Like this.

"Dad had an affair with someone at the off=fice,in the neighborhood, at the pool, WHATEVER and I had too much respect for myself to let this continue in my life. I deserved more than that, and I hope you wil realize that when you are older and ready to commit to a guy...you deserve more."

You do not have to denigrate him any further, and you do not need to remove him socially from their lives, but but hiding the truth is stupid.

Yes. At some age, they deserve an explanation and to know that Mom or Dad was a cheater, that it just "didn't work out." Don't like the shame you will face from your kids for oh, the rest of their lives? Too bad. Should have kept your dick in your pants

I can't tell you how many times I've seen that type of info fuck up kids lives. That makes the hurt spouse feel better. It NEVER makes the kids feel better. Best to just leave it at we realized we were better parents apart from each other than we were together because we made each other unhappy. We did what we thought was best.

New poster. I can't tell you how many times the kids know exactly what happened, and then they are terribly screwed up because everyone pretends nothing awful happened.

Kids need to know the truth, but it must be age-appropriate information. Psychologists are great at providing language, OP. Every divorce is different, and the good old, "we were better parents apart" does NOT work for older, smart adolescents.

[Anonymous]

There is a book called Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way.
It really reveals how children of different ages think about divorce, and how to address their fears and concerns.
It is a difficult book because of the honest voices of the kids, but if you want to know what your kids may be thinking and how to help, it's the go-to guide. It is a long book because it offers practical advice for almost every situation. Get it. Read it. Give your soon to be EX a copy of the book too. I'm so sorry for what happened.

[Anonymous]

Be sure and empathise with kids who are going to feel like their world exploded. My Mom slapped me when I was 12 and hysterical at the news. It was the 70s where no one had a clue but now they do. And yes tell them the basics, where when with who. I'm sorry you are going through this, I definitely feel for you. You are a good Mom to ask.

[Anonymous]

I had something similar happen. But it was my wife and a co worker. The key is to keep your head and let time pass. Let him go and really try to make it not be a big deal. Stay in touch with him daily to deal with kids. It started to get better after aroind two years. I learned the other guy basically dumped her. These people that cheat are really unhappy. Truly focus on yourself and kids. There's no way around it. It is the worst thing ever. Medication didn't really help me. Good luck. I wish I could start a practice advising on these issues. Don't tell other woman's husband. Total waste of time and will exacerbate things. Stay classy. Time passes. Trust me.