We are separating, telling kids on Saturday

[Anonymous]

dont do what my parents did. they dropped the bomb as soon as my mom found out my dad was cheating. he essentially left the house and moved in with the other woman. meanwhile, mom became horrendously depressed and supremely bitter and even to this day, 30 years later, badmouths my father and how much he screwed her over. It made it so terrible for us kids--like, if we loved our father, we were damaging and further hurting our mother. and no one was there for us. Totally effed up my brother, who was afraid to be anything like his father and married a crazy woman who walks all over him. And made me very, very scared of intimacy, with a string of eating disorders, and messed up relationships. I am now finally married, more or less happily, and can't imagine doing to my kids what my parents did, knowing how it would affect them.

So, yeah, its so hard to swallow that pain, and even to feel like your kids blame YOU for the split, but you gotta separate that from their relationship with their dad. What they need from you is love, love, love, and stability.

I would tell the other woman's husband though.

[Anonymous]

I would actually talk to the other woman and certainly encourage her to tell her husband. If nothing else, it will motivate her to do so because I'll bet she is trying to have it all and will now be worried that you will tell him if she does not.

If she thought her love with your husband was "so pure"- she would have left her husband by now. She wants it all. But- I would want her to know how her hobby at work to distract herself from whatever she finds lacking in her life ( power, confidence, etc.) actually took a toll on a family....took a toll on two children. YES, your husband is to blame, but she toyed with him real well.

Your marriage is over because your husband is immature, is easily led into things..., nit necessarily because of this affair. Move on, OP and good wishes. He didn't deserve you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not tell your kids about his affair. My Mom told me about my Dad's affair (happened when I was 6-ish, I found out when I was 13-14). They stayed together, but it f-ed up my relationship to men. Changed how I dated and my ability to become truly intimate (not sexual) with a man. Took me YEARS of therapy to get over it.

DH is a horrible husband. Your kids do not need to know that-ever. They need to know he is a great Dad and will always be a great Dad.

Not at 6, but she had a right to tell you as a teenager. Kids should know why their family busted up- and really, sometimes someone is to blame. Instead, they will wonder their whole lives why a marriage just cannot work, when really, there are reasons marriages fail. Like this.

"Dad had an affair with someone at the off=fice,in the neighborhood, at the pool, WHATEVER and I had too much respect for myself to let this continue in my life. I deserved more than that, and I hope you wil realize that when you are older and ready to commit to a guy...you deserve more."

You do not have to denigrate him any further, and you do not need to remove him socially from their lives, but but hiding the truth is stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your marriage is none of his business and vice versa.

I disagree. They are pretty much in a relationship with each other. Probably, even at one point, shared DNA.

Actually, it very much became his business when his wife became involved with the DH. Effectively both marriages are forever linked, in this awful way

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the support. I appreciate it.

Re: the other woman . . . I do feel in my gut that it isn't over with them, and that it probably never was. How in the hell can I keep my sanity and my dignity when/if he tries to introduce my children to her?

When do you try to teach your children about how hurtful and wrong all of this is? OBVIOUSLY not now . . . but I don't want them growing up thinking their father's actions are ok, that marriage isn't a commitment, etc.

You don't. You don't do this. They are little kids. Don't burden them with your issues.

They will get older and ask questions and figure it out and come to their own conclusions.

Do not poison them against your DH. It will come back to bite you on the ass, so look at it from self-interest. And leaving that aside, it's just the wrong thing to do.

+1 As a child of divorce, whose father cheated on my mother and is now married to the woman he had the affair with:

- kids will figure things out for themselves
- kids will arrive at their own judgements and conclusions, not necessarily the same ones you WANT them to arrive at
- kids know when they are being manipulated/used
- kids' respect for their parent has much more to do with the way each parent conducts themselves and treats the child than how someone else tells them to feel about their parent.

Trust me on this one: the parent who acts with self-respect and dignity will be admired, the one who doesn't won't be.

Plus1

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. You have two separate issues here though: your kids and the other woman and other husband.

For your kids, keep things simple and age appropriate. What's going to be different for them? What will be the same?

As for the other woman and whether or not you should tell her husband, that's maybe a question to speak to a therapist about. What do you want to accomplish there? Because while I totally get being furious and wanting to tear her house apart the way she's torn yours apart, it may not be good for you emotionally.

[Anonymous]

The high roadisn't just for WASPs. I'm an Irish Catholic...bit I have dignity so I kept my nose in the air and kept on walking. No need to spread bitterness and hate. It was hard at times and I wanted to be petty and hurtful but I went high.

Your kids need you to stay on the high road. Rant and rave to a therapist and your girlfriends, but stay strong for the kids.

And no matter what happens...they are cheaters and they are stuck being their horrible selves. Living well and being happy in the long run is the best revwnge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you met with a therapist who deals with kids in order to develop a strategy/plan and understand what the kids' perspective will be?

If not, I would recommend doing that first.

Agree - you know your children and how they may react. I have friends who told their kids on vacation. MASSIVE FAIL

My mom told me and my brothers over dinner. At a restaurant. We were in high school. Horrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not tell your kids about his affair. My Mom told me about my Dad's affair (happened when I was 6-ish, I found out when I was 13-14). They stayed together, but it f-ed up my relationship to men. Changed how I dated and my ability to become truly intimate (not sexual) with a man. Took me YEARS of therapy to get over it.

DH is a horrible husband. Your kids do not need to know that-ever. They need to know he is a great Dad and will always be a great Dad.

Not at 6, but she had a right to tell you as a teenager. Kids should know why their family busted up- and really, sometimes someone is to blame. Instead, they will wonder their whole lives why a marriage just cannot work, when really, there are reasons marriages fail. Like this.

"Dad had an affair with someone at the off=fice,in the neighborhood, at the pool, WHATEVER and I had too much respect for myself to let this continue in my life. I deserved more than that, and I hope you wil realize that when you are older and ready to commit to a guy...you deserve more."

You do not have to denigrate him any further, and you do not need to remove him socially from their lives, but but hiding the truth is stupid.

Wrong. Kids don't need to know every "truth" about their parents. What happens in a marriage between a husband and wife is not the business of what happens between kids and parents. You know, an ex husband could blast his ex wife to his kids and say they divorced because mom overspent and never had sex. Truth? Maybe. But nothing at all to do with her role as MOM.

Again, I'm speaking as a kid who knew her mom cheated. Kids don't care or need to know the ins and outs of their parents' marriage. That is a sphere they are witness to but not part of. Leave them out of it. No matter how you try to cut it, it's not for their benefit to ever open up the details of a marriage to them. It's only so you can position yourself as the sainted, wronged parent and that's messed up.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it matters if you tell her husband or not. I suspect that she is waiting to break up her marriage until your husband goes first. Once he moves out, she will join him at the new place. She's just waiting to make the move from one pad to another.

Good luck with the kids. Your life will be better at this time next year. Just keep that in mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Before you call the other husband please really dig deep within and find out what your motivation is. Be honest. Is there any part of you that is saying "f you" to the other woman? Is this about vengeance or out of concern for the other DH? "He has a right to know" isn't satisfactory. He obviously knows about the affair. Your marriage is none of his business and vice versa. Telling him may only cause more drama and if that woman and your DH get together permanently, she will be caring for your children. Think about it.
As for the kids, the PP had great advice. Be specific about how their lives will change. Make sure you have made as many of those decisions as possible before you talk to them.

oh really, who cares. That lady deserves to have her family life blown to smithereens. I hope her husband kicks her out and her kids stop speaking to her for years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Definitely tell the woman's husband.

+ 1

He deserves to know the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the support. I appreciate it.

Re: the other woman . . . I do feel in my gut that it isn't over with them, and that it probably never was. How in the hell can I keep my sanity and my dignity when/if he tries to introduce my children to her?

When do you try to teach your children about how hurtful and wrong all of this is? OBVIOUSLY not now . . . but I don't want them growing up thinking their father's actions are ok, that marriage isn't a commitment, etc.

You don't. You don't do this. They are little kids. Don't burden them with your issues.

They will get older and ask questions and figure it out and come to their own conclusions.

Do not poison them against your DH. It will come back to bite you on the ass, so look at it from self-interest. And leaving that aside, it's just the wrong thing to do.

+1 As a child of divorce, whose father cheated on my mother and is now married to the woman he had the affair with:

- kids will figure things out for themselves
- kids will arrive at their own judgements and conclusions, not necessarily the same ones you WANT them to arrive at
- kids know when they are being manipulated/used
- kids' respect for their parent has much more to do with the way each parent conducts themselves and treats the child than how someone else tells them to feel about their parent.

Trust me on this one: the parent who acts with self-respect and dignity will be admired, the one who doesn't won't be.

OP, this is the best advice you've gotten on this thread. Take every word of it to heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you call the other husband please really dig deep within and find out what your motivation is. Be honest. Is there any part of you that is saying "f you" to the other woman? Is this about vengeance or out of concern for the other DH? "He has a right to know" isn't satisfactory. He obviously knows about the affair. Your marriage is none of his business and vice versa. Telling him may only cause more drama and if that woman and your DH get together permanently, she will be caring for your children. Think about it.
As for the kids, the PP had great advice. Be specific about how their lives will change. Make sure you have made as many of those decisions as possible before you talk to them.

oh really, who cares. That lady deserves to have her family life blown to smithereens. I hope her husband kicks her out and her kids stop speaking to her for years.

I'm not the PP you quoted, but your response is ignoring the fact that the AP's husband might not want to hear this information. He might be in a place where he is working to move past what happened. He might be making progress on getting to where he needs to be, including with putting his relationship back together for him and his kids. I don't think you should meddle in what's going on with another marriage, even if what the AP did affected your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Based on what OP's husband is saying, I think he is still very much involved with this other woman. In the other husband's place, I would want to know. If I chose to stay, I'd want it to be an informed decision.