Stopping caring saved my marriage

[Anonymous]

Yes. Interesting thread. I got sick and tired of being sick and tired and have shifted to focus on me and what makes me happy, while still taking care of child. DH does chores, maybe more than me. I have someone clean the house biweekly. I realized I had dropped friends. He is a boring homebody tv addict. I enjoy silence at the end of the day. I bought headsets. If he wants to listen to tv I don't have too. He may be depressed but won't admit it. I now go out w gf's, my sister or by myself. I really enjoy my own company. We can't seem to have a convo without a disagreement so I stopped engaging. I catch myself and I stop. Life is so much better for me now. I really also don't care much about what he thinks. Life is too short to not live!

[Anonymous]

The only problem with this is how do you train your children to do the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BEST FUCKING THREAD IN THE HISTORY OF DCUM! *TAKING NOTES! KEEP IT COMING

It is so bizarre that the apathy in a relationship has so many prople excited. That becoming numb and detached is such a great thing for everyone. Im so grateful that i still have passion and a great wide ocean of buried feelings don't separate DH and i.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BEST FUCKING THREAD IN THE HISTORY OF DCUM! *TAKING NOTES! KEEP IT COMING

It is so bizarre that the apathy in a relationship has so many prople excited. That becoming numb and detached is such a great thing for everyone. Im so grateful that i still have passion and a great wide ocean of buried feelings don't separate DH and i.

Most of us want this, but it is not in the cards for everybody. We do what we must to keep the family intact. May be "bizarre" to you, but it is what works for others. Stop the judging and be thankful for what you have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm trying to incorporate elements of this but am buckling a little under the weight of I guess mourning what I thought was possible, realizing there is contempt from him towards me, missing sex and missing having interest in each other and our lives. He's also having a minor emotional affair and ...I want so badly to not care anymore. I can some days.

I am working on keeping myself busy and cultivating my own interests and networks. I know I can't change any of his actions or emotions and I don't try. Did you have a mourning period before not caring?

I don't think it is not caring. It is prioritizing yourself while including/being nice to spouse. Like the PP said, I'm making XX for dinner. Oh, you don't want it? I'm sorry, make yourself ZZ. But this isn't about not caring entirely. I'll make DH's favorites, too. This is about caring for yourself, doing the things you want, inviting your spouse, and allowing them the space to partake. He/she could do this to you, too. DH: I'd like to go bowling, do you want to come? Regardless of what my answer is, he gets to do what he wants. If I want to go, great, we have a good time. If I don't, that's OK, he can STILL have a good time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay OP and others, I have one more question about this approach. How do you not get mad at him? Let's say you feel like you do more and he's lazy. How are you able to just let things go and not feel resentful?

I rarely ever get mad like that, I just don't. If he doesn't think mowing the lawn is a priority, I do it when I DO think it is a priority, or pay somebody to do it. But, my DH isn't lazy. If you think of what he does as an extra, a bonus, the side dollop of whipped cream next to your lovely cake of life, well, you get to enjoy that whipped cream. But I don't count on him to do more around the house because I am the one who cares about it. I care if the floors are clean? I wash them. I care if the cars are washed? I wash them. If I care that the children wash their faces before they leave the house? I ask them to wash them. Because if DH doesn't care about it, he just doesn't. And "forcing" him to do it ... not a good strategy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BEST FUCKING THREAD IN THE HISTORY OF DCUM! *TAKING NOTES! KEEP IT COMING

Yes!!! OP, you may have helped save some marriages here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay OP and others, I have one more question about this approach. How do you not get mad at him? Let's say you feel like you do more and he's lazy. How are you able to just let things go and not feel resentful?

I rarely ever get mad like that, I just don't. If he doesn't think mowing the lawn is a priority, I do it when I DO think it is a priority, or pay somebody to do it. But, my DH isn't lazy. If you think of what he does as an extra, a bonus, the side dollop of whipped cream next to your lovely cake of life, well, you get to enjoy that whipped cream. But I don't count on him to do more around the house because I am the one who cares about it. I care if the floors are clean? I wash them. I care if the cars are washed? I wash them. If I care that the children wash their faces before they leave the house? I ask them to wash them. Because if DH doesn't care about it, he just doesn't. And "forcing" him to do it ... not a good strategy.

This is what I have started to realize. My frustration is when DH creates more work for me to have what I want. I spend a lot of time picking up only to turn around and find dirty dishes piled on the table I just cleaned or the counter that was clean. I have had to really adjust my expectations. If I want to keep it clean and stay married, I may have to clean up some of his crap. I streamlined some things, such as places to throw dirty clothes that looked neat. If his crap is piled somewhere, I just toss it in a basket on the landing.

I appreciate this thread, because I needed more tools if this is going to work for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay OP and others, I have one more question about this approach. How do you not get mad at him? Let's say you feel like you do more and he's lazy. How are you able to just let things go and not feel resentful?

I rarely ever get mad like that, I just don't. If he doesn't think mowing the lawn is a priority, I do it when I DO think it is a priority, or pay somebody to do it. But, my DH isn't lazy. If you think of what he does as an extra, a bonus, the side dollop of whipped cream next to your lovely cake of life, well, you get to enjoy that whipped cream. But I don't count on him to do more around the house because I am the one who cares about it. I care if the floors are clean? I wash them. I care if the cars are washed? I wash them. If I care that the children wash their faces before they leave the house? I ask them to wash them. Because if DH doesn't care about it, he just doesn't. And "forcing" him to do it ... not a good strategy.

This is what I have started to realize. My frustration is when DH creates more work for me to have what I want. I spend a lot of time picking up only to turn around and find dirty dishes piled on the table I just cleaned or the counter that was clean. I have had to really adjust my expectations. If I want to keep it clean and stay married, I may have to clean up some of his crap. I streamlined some things, such as places to throw dirty clothes that looked neat. If his crap is piled somewhere, I just toss it in a basket on the landing.

I appreciate this thread, because I needed more tools if this is going to work for me.

Yes, you have to clean up some of his crap. It just happens. Just like he has to XYZ for you because he cares more about whatever that thing is (a clean car, washed windows, cheap cable, whatever it is).

[Anonymous]

Let me see if this is sinking in. So..I get off work, I exercise, I clean the house, I bathe the kids and do dinner, homework, etc. DH is a lazy POS and hasn't done much of anything but come home from work and veg on the tv or phone. I don't get mad or feel resentful about this because hey, if I want to clean or feed the kids that's my side of the road to worry about, not his? Is the idea that he'll see me happy and not complaining and will eventually join in and help?

[Anonymous]

Let me see if this is sinking in. So..I get off work, I exercise, I clean the house, I bathe the kids and do dinner, homework, etc. DH is a lazy POS and hasn't done much of anything but come home from work and veg on the tv or phone. I don't get mad or feel resentful about this because hey, if I want to clean or feed the kids that's my side of the road to worry about, not his? Is the idea that he'll see me happy and not complaining and will eventually join in and help?

1+. No joke. This is like: "How to be a doormat: 101." Success is... When after you do 95% of all the work you don't get so mad when your dear POS ("DPOS"?) criticizes all you've done??? Is this what you want for your daughters?? How can you possible be offering this as good advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Let me see if this is sinking in. So..I get off work, I exercise, I clean the house, I bathe the kids and do dinner, homework, etc. DH is a lazy POS and hasn't done much of anything but come home from work and veg on the tv or phone. I don't get mad or feel resentful about this because hey, if I want to clean or feed the kids that's my side of the road to worry about, not his? Is the idea that he'll see me happy and not complaining and will eventually join in and help?

1+. No joke. This is like: "How to be a doormat: 101." Success is... When after you do 95% of all the work you don't get so mad when your dear POS ("DPOS"?) criticizes all you've done??? Is this what you want for your daughters?? How can you possible be offering this as good advice?

k

I do think the advice here is good, and fascinating. I want to try it. But, I think I'm missing something. Can someone please help clarify?

[Anonymous]

I switched off too. Marriage is pretty good. I hated him for a few years around year 4-8 but then just switched it off. Married 14 years now. I love his company when he is not a ball of stress. The other thing I did was raise my dirt threshold to equal his. Then I stopped caring so much about the state of the house. There is one area I cannot compromise on though and that is the kitchen island, so I clean that and I am happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Let me see if this is sinking in. So..I get off work, I exercise, I clean the house, I bathe the kids and do dinner, homework, etc. DH is a lazy POS and hasn't done much of anything but come home from work and veg on the tv or phone. I don't get mad or feel resentful about this because hey, if I want to clean or feed the kids that's my side of the road to worry about, not his? Is the idea that he'll see me happy and not complaining and will eventually join in and help?

1+. No joke. This is like: "How to be a doormat: 101." Success is... When after you do 95% of all the work you don't get so mad when your dear POS ("DPOS"?) criticizes all you've done??? Is this what you want for your daughters?? How can you possible be offering this as good advice?

OP here. But here's the thing, if my husband criticized me, I would laugh in his face and walk away. For example, if I walked in the door and my husband complained about the house being messy, I would just shrug, invite him to pick up, go upstairs and change and continue on my evening. Because I don't care what he thinks about what I'm doing. I'm happy with it. If he's unhappy about the state of the living room, he's free to clean it. I'm going to make dinner or do whatever I think is important. I'm not going to whip myself into a frenzy either frantically picking up or fighting over who should do what in terms of cleaning. I'm going to do what I want to do. He's free to do what he wants as well.

For the first PP, I find it strange your husband would hole up in another room and ignore everyone. You all see each other for like an hour or two during the work week (as working parents). I wouldn't be bothered by him not cleaning or feeding the kids. I would be more troubled that he doesn't want to interact with ANY of you. That's a more severe issue than someone complaining that they are doing more work than someone else.

I think the big thing is viewing it through the lens of "is this the hill I want to die on" or not. It made me realize what is a priority and what isn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Let me see if this is sinking in. So..I get off work, I exercise, I clean the house, I bathe the kids and do dinner, homework, etc. DH is a lazy POS and hasn't done much of anything but come home from work and veg on the tv or phone. I don't get mad or feel resentful about this because hey, if I want to clean or feed the kids that's my side of the road to worry about, not his? Is the idea that he'll see me happy and not complaining and will eventually join in and help?

1+. No joke. This is like: "How to be a doormat: 101." Success is... When after you do 95% of all the work you don't get so mad when your dear POS ("DPOS"?) criticizes all you've done??? Is this what you want for your daughters?? How can you possible be offering this as good advice?

OP here. But here's the thing, if my husband criticized me, I would laugh in his face and walk away. For example, if I walked in the door and my husband complained about the house being messy, I would just shrug, invite him to pick up, go upstairs and change and continue on my evening. Because I don't care what he thinks about what I'm doing. I'm happy with it. If he's unhappy about the state of the living room, he's free to clean it. I'm going to make dinner or do whatever I think is important. I'm not going to whip myself into a frenzy either frantically picking up or fighting over who should do what in terms of cleaning. I'm going to do what I want to do. He's free to do what he wants as well.

For the first PP, I find it strange your husband would hole up in another room and ignore everyone. You all see each other for like an hour or two during the work week (as working parents). I wouldn't be bothered by him not cleaning or feeding the kids. I would be more troubled that he doesn't want to interact with ANY of you. That's a more severe issue than someone complaining that they are doing more work than someone else.

I think the big thing is viewing it through the lens of "is this the hill I want to die on" or not. It made me realize what is a priority and what isn't.

Sure, but based on your experience, how would you handle this? Let bygones be bygones and shrug and ignore it?