Stopping caring saved my marriage
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Anonymous
Mostly DH goes along with it and doesn't complain. When he does complain, it's more like his version of, you used to cater to me and now I'm not getting what I want when I want it. WTF? For example, he's an incredibly picky eater. I've always catered to him and planned meals around him. I just mentioned I'm making fish one night next week for dinner, and of course he only tolerates fish rather than enjoys fish. I'll make sure he likes the sides. It was a text convo. He responded: fish? I said: yes, cod. If you're going to make something else for your dinner because fish isn't your favorite, would you please make some for oldest DD too? She doesn't love fish either, but when she complained I reminded her about the studies showing that the more you eat a food, the more you tolerate or learn to like it. Just let me know that morning what you decide so I know how much fish to make. He responded: No, that's ok. I'll eat fish, it's just not my favorite. Could you make some corn on the cob to go with it? We both like that as a side dish. And of course I said I was fine with that and will be sure to add corn to the grocery list. I think the thing that works for me is (in addition to being more assertive generally) heading him off at the pass, but not letting it turn into an argument. by asking if he wanted to make an alternative meal for himself, I made it clear that I had no interest in making two separate meals for dinner on the same night. I also made it clear that other people would be "merely tolerating" the fish along with him, so I'm not singling him out and trying to make food he dislikes just to be mean to him. The old me would've waited until he was out of town to serve fish. |
Anonymous
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NP here. This is all so interesting. I have done some of this too.
I have three kids, all under 10. I really didn't see divorce as an option because I couldn't imagine being separated from my kids. But I had to reduce the conflict. And this did it. A perfect examples is trips. I spend SO much time planning every detail. Every last detail. And he would complain. About everything. He would scold me for "taking it personally" when he hated a hotel, but how could I not? When I finally realized that I am in fact very good at trip planning, I decided I didn't care what he thought. At all. Friends and family ask me constantly to help them plan. I am very good at the research and I love doing it. He's just a complainer. So now I nod my head, sort of change the subject, whatever. I don't care. Same goes for cooking, house decorating - I am a full time lawyer. I'm not that interested in that stuff snd it is NOT an essential part of mothering. If he wants to complain about it - go right ahead. I am confident I am a great mom and would rather take a bike ride with them than cook some elaborate meal. Things have been so much better. And I truly don't care what he thinks. I guess that's sad in a way. |
Anonymous
| I think I remember a Pink Floyd album about this approach. |
Anonymous
here is no pain, you are receding A distant ship smoke on the horizon You are only coming through in waves Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying When I was a child I had a fever My hands felt just like two balloons Now I've got that feeling once again I can't explain, you would not understand This is not how I am I have become comfortably numb |
Anonymous
| Okay OP and others, I have one more question about this approach. How do you not get mad at him? Let's say you feel like you do more and he's lazy. How are you able to just let things go and not feel resentful? |
Anonymous
Lol. |
Anonymous
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I started out this way in our relationship, but since having children I feel like we've become much more intertwined. The household is more complicated to manage and my husband and I depend on each other in more ways. As a result, it's harder for me to maintain that meantal/emotional border of "not my problem." I feel like that space is so much smaller now.
Reading these responses it is evident that many posters have small children. How do you divided responsibilities without caring? Or do you care about some things and not others? I don't mind traveling alone with the kids. I do mind doing all the cleaning. What do you do? |
Anonymous
Good question. I am interested to hear answers, because I have been so angry, done and resentful. |
Anonymous
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We have outsourced lots of things.
And I just gave up trying to change him. Some things I still don't do, and i can't really outsource, so they go undone. We have had times where half the ceiling recessed bulbs are out and the house is half dark. I focus on making sure I raise my son differently. So he's not like his father. He's 11 and I am training him. His father is a lost cause - but my son I can still fix. |
Anonymous
| I'm definitely headed this direction, maybe 75% there -- definitely have detached. I think there are some things that are pushing me to leave altogether vs staying in this kind of relationship. One major factor for me is that I am the higher earner and feel like every cent I earn goes toward the family. Whereas, he has some things he does on the side to earn extra money but views that as "his" fun money and would never think about just throwing that in the pot to even things up or to help the family financials get ahead. It's my biggest pain point really. So I'm curious about the OP/PPs situation financially -- how does it compare? |
Anonymous
I do sometimes. I can't shut off all my emotions. I walk away before I say something to start an argument or further an argument. That's key. I say okay or I'm sorry you feel that way instead of digging my heels in and proving I'm right. Then I do my own thing. Getting mad doesn't help anything. It doesn't hurt him. It only ruins my day. I try to find something else to occupy my mind and my time so I don't dwell on negative feelings. I love him. I'm attracted to him. I just need to focus on me after 20 years of focusing on him. It's my turn. |
Anonymous
I'd just start setting aside some money for myself if I were you. Work it into the budget. Everyone needs some play money, including you and your DH. |
Anonymous
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im the PP with the trip example.
DH is the higher earner. He makes way more than I do. Finances aren't a source of contention for us, luckily, because he makes a lot. But we find plenty of other things to fight about. We both have "play money" I guess - he leases an expensive car with ridiculous monthly payments. I buy occasional expensive shoes or whatever. But we don't really have money as an issue. The only way it figures in is that he views himself as never needing to lift a finger - he hires all tasks out - because he earns 7 figures. |
Anonymous
| BEST FUCKING THREAD IN THE HISTORY OF DCUM! *TAKING NOTES! KEEP IT COMING |
Anonymous
| I also stopped caring about the fact that my husband can't get ahead in his career. He's a really good guy in many ways, and a great father. He just sucks at promoting himself and lacks the confidence and drive to be successful on the job. He was self employed and barely making any money for a few years and it really drove me bananas! So one day I just stopped caring and decided I'd go back to school and earn my degree and DH would have to be the SAH parent. Once I made this choice to take control and stop waiting for DH to change everything got much better in our marriage. Things aren't perfect now, but I'm pretty happy overall. |