Stopping caring saved my marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay OP and others, I have one more question about this approach. How do you not get mad at him? Let's say you feel like you do more and he's lazy. How are you able to just let things go and not feel resentful?

I rarely ever get mad like that, I just don't. If he doesn't think mowing the lawn is a priority, I do it when I DO think it is a priority, or pay somebody to do it. But, my DH isn't lazy. If you think of what he does as an extra, a bonus, the side dollop of whipped cream next to your lovely cake of life, well, you get to enjoy that whipped cream. But I don't count on him to do more around the house because I am the one who cares about it. I care if the floors are clean? I wash them. I care if the cars are washed? I wash them. If I care that the children wash their faces before they leave the house? I ask them to wash them. Because if DH doesn't care about it, he just doesn't. And "forcing" him to do it ... not a good strategy.

This is what I have started to realize. My frustration is when DH creates more work for me to have what I want. I spend a lot of time picking up only to turn around and find dirty dishes piled on the table I just cleaned or the counter that was clean. I have had to really adjust my expectations. If I want to keep it clean and stay married, I may have to clean up some of his crap. I streamlined some things, such as places to throw dirty clothes that looked neat. If his crap is piled somewhere, I just toss it in a basket on the landing.

I appreciate this thread, because I needed more tools if this is going to work for me.

Me too. Please keep the advice coming!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I started out this way in our relationship, but since having children I feel like we've become much more intertwined. The household is more complicated to manage and my husband and I depend on each other in more ways. As a result, it's harder for me to maintain that meantal/emotional border of "not my problem." I feel like that space is so much smaller now.

Reading these responses it is evident that many posters have small children. How do you divided responsibilities without caring? Or do you care about some things and not others? I don't mind traveling alone with the kids. I do mind doing all the cleaning. What do you do?

Hire a house cleaner. $120 every two weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BEST FUCKING THREAD IN THE HISTORY OF DCUM! *TAKING NOTES! KEEP IT COMING

It is so bizarre that the apathy in a relationship has so many prople excited. That becoming numb and detached is such a great thing for everyone. Im so grateful that i still have passion and a great wide ocean of buried feelings don't separate DH and i.

Here's the thing you can have both. It depends on what is going on at the time. The apathy part occurs after one spouse is upset about minor, every day stuff. Just let it go. Who cares if he/she is irritated about X, it doesn't matter in the long run. Go to bed, move on. The quicker you both move past the little shit, the quicker the passion or happiness returns.

RE: Sex
Once I became apathetic about small stuff, I have found that we still have plenty of sex, because I don't attach an emotional state to (every day) sex. Sex makes me feel good, so I'm open to having sex, even if it's not emotional or a long drawn out session.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Let me see if this is sinking in. So..I get off work, I exercise, I clean the house, I bathe the kids and do dinner, homework, etc. DH is a lazy POS and hasn't done much of anything but come home from work and veg on the tv or phone. I don't get mad or feel resentful about this because hey, if I want to clean or feed the kids that's my side of the road to worry about, not his? Is the idea that he'll see me happy and not complaining and will eventually join in and help?

1+. No joke. This is like: "How to be a doormat: 101." Success is... When after you do 95% of all the work you don't get so mad when your dear POS ("DPOS"?) criticizes all you've done??? Is this what you want for your daughters?? How can you possible be offering this as good advice?

OP here. But here's the thing, if my husband criticized me, I would laugh in his face and walk away. For example, if I walked in the door and my husband complained about the house being messy, I would just shrug, invite him to pick up, go upstairs and change and continue on my evening. Because I don't care what he thinks about what I'm doing. I'm happy with it. If he's unhappy about the state of the living room, he's free to clean it. I'm going to make dinner or do whatever I think is important. I'm not going to whip myself into a frenzy either frantically picking up or fighting over who should do what in terms of cleaning. I'm going to do what I want to do. He's free to do what he wants as well.

For the first PP, I find it strange your husband would hole up in another room and ignore everyone. You all see each other for like an hour or two during the work week (as working parents). I wouldn't be bothered by him not cleaning or feeding the kids. I would be more troubled that he doesn't want to interact with ANY of you. That's a more severe issue than someone complaining that they are doing more work than someone else.

I think the big thing is viewing it through the lens of "is this the hill I want to die on" or not. It made me realize what is a priority and what isn't.

Sure, but based on your experience, how would you handle this? Let bygones be bygones and shrug and ignore it?

For the critical husband complaining about the mean I made or how much I cleaned or how the kids are taken care of? I would shrug and tell him he's free to do things his way if he wants, make his own meal, or do whatever it is he thinks needs to be done for the kids. And then I'd go on do what I want to do. For example, I take the kids dental health much, much more seriously than my husband did when the kids were small. He sucked at brushing their teeth and flossing. So, I didn't complain. I just made it my own priority and brushed my kids teeth and flossed them until they were five or six. Similarly, DH really values getting in nature, hiking, etc. I hate that crap. I stopped pretending or wanting to spend my weekends wandering around the woods. He takes the kids without me and I do what I want during that time (our kids are older now 11, 13). Other posters put examples, like cooking in the thread. Even cleaning. I have certain things that are important to me. But I'm not going to lose sleep or be frustrated if my husband wishes the house was cleaner. He can clean it. I also don't need my DH to make me feel good about my choices. I am content with them. I don't need his approval.

[Anonymous]

I didn't get through all 6 pages yet, but I am really intrigued by this thread! I think it is rooted in something really solid - self-sufficiency.

For better or worse, at the end of the day we only truly do have ourselves. Many of us have to learn that lesson before partnering up when we try to get over less than perfect childhoods (I know I did).

This general stance towards marriage is also discussed in the book Passionate Marriage, if anyone is interested. Excellent book about how intimacy combined with self-sufficiency makes for optimal married sex.

[Anonymous]

Let me see if this is sinking in. So..I get off work, I exercise, I clean the house, I bathe the kids and do dinner, homework, etc. DH is a lazy POS and hasn't done much of anything but come home from work and veg on the tv or phone. I don't get mad or feel resentful about this because hey, if I want to clean or feed the kids that's my side of the road to worry about, not his? Is the idea that he'll see me happy and not complaining and will eventually join in and help?

The idea is that you are going to clean, give the baths, cook the dinner, supervise the homework anyway -- and now it's done without any hard feelings. Just let go of the expectation of help. If it comes, enjoy it. If it doesn't, no biggie -- you weren't expecting anything. Getting mad every night about this stuff is no way to live.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Another point. I made it a big priority that we are polite to each other, my husband and I. We have a very, very cordial relationship that I think really flourished when I stopped taking things so seriously and caring so much. I care that he speaks to me politely and if he was a jerk I would point out that if he couldn't talk to a coworker this way, why is it okay for him to speak that way to me. I also walked the walk. I became much, much more pleasant around my husband. I make my points that need to be made and keep it moving. If it's not worth raising, I don't stew over it or -- even unintentionally -- internalize it. I just let the things that don't matter, which is surprisingly a lot, go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Let me see if this is sinking in. So..I get off work, I exercise, I clean the house, I bathe the kids and do dinner, homework, etc. DH is a lazy POS and hasn't done much of anything but come home from work and veg on the tv or phone. I don't get mad or feel resentful about this because hey, if I want to clean or feed the kids that's my side of the road to worry about, not his? Is the idea that he'll see me happy and not complaining and will eventually join in and help?

1+. No joke. This is like: "How to be a doormat: 101." Success is... When after you do 95% of all the work you don't get so mad when your dear POS ("DPOS"?) criticizes all you've done??? Is this what you want for your daughters?? How can you possible be offering this as good advice?

OP here. But here's the thing, if my husband criticized me, I would laugh in his face and walk away. For example, if I walked in the door and my husband complained about the house being messy, I would just shrug, invite him to pick up, go upstairs and change and continue on my evening. Because I don't care what he thinks about what I'm doing. I'm happy with it. If he's unhappy about the state of the living room, he's free to clean it. I'm going to make dinner or do whatever I think is important. I'm not going to whip myself into a frenzy either frantically picking up or fighting over who should do what in terms of cleaning. I'm going to do what I want to do. He's free to do what he wants as well.

For the first PP, I find it strange your husband would hole up in another room and ignore everyone. You all see each other for like an hour or two during the work week (as working parents). I wouldn't be bothered by him not cleaning or feeding the kids. I would be more troubled that he doesn't want to interact with ANY of you. That's a more severe issue than someone complaining that they are doing more work than someone else.

I think the big thing is viewing it through the lens of "is this the hill I want to die on" or not. It made me realize what is a priority and what isn't.

Sure, but based on your experience, how would you handle this? Let bygones be bygones and shrug and ignore it?

For the critical husband complaining about the mean I made or how much I cleaned or how the kids are taken care of? I would shrug and tell him he's free to do things his way if he wants, make his own meal, or do whatever it is he thinks needs to be done for the kids. And then I'd go on do what I want to do. For example, I take the kids dental health much, much more seriously than my husband did when the kids were small. He sucked at brushing their teeth and flossing. So, I didn't complain. I just made it my own priority and brushed my kids teeth and flossed them until they were five or six. Similarly, DH really values getting in nature, hiking, etc. I hate that crap. I stopped pretending or wanting to spend my weekends wandering around the woods. He takes the kids without me and I do what I want during that time (our kids are older now 11, 13). Other posters put examples, like cooking in the thread. Even cleaning. I have certain things that are important to me. But I'm not going to lose sleep or be frustrated if my husband wishes the house was cleaner. He can clean it. I also don't need my DH to make me feel good about my choices. I am content with them. I don't need his approval.

Thanks! What about this problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Let me see if this is sinking in. So..I get off work, I exercise, I clean the house, I bathe the kids and do dinner, homework, etc. DH is a lazy POS and hasn't done much of anything but come home from work and veg on the tv or phone. I don't get mad or feel resentful about this because hey, if I want to clean or feed the kids that's my side of the road to worry about, not his? Is the idea that he'll see me happy and not complaining and will eventually join in and help?

The idea is that you are going to clean, give the baths, cook the dinner, supervise the homework anyway -- and now it's done without any hard feelings. Just let go of the expectation of help. If it comes, enjoy it. If it doesn't, no biggie -- you weren't expecting anything. Getting mad every night about this stuff is no way to live.

Got it. So basically, if I divorce him and become a single mom, I'll be doing this all solo anyway. So if he does do anything at all, it's just a plus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Another point. I made it a big priority that we are polite to each other, my husband and I. We have a very, very cordial relationship that I think really flourished when I stopped taking things so seriously and caring so much. I care that he speaks to me politely and if he was a jerk I would point out that if he couldn't talk to a coworker this way, why is it okay for him to speak that way to me. I also walked the walk. I became much, much more pleasant around my husband. I make my points that need to be made and keep it moving. If it's not worth raising, I don't stew over it or -- even unintentionally -- internalize it. I just let the things that don't matter, which is surprisingly a lot, go.

Let's say your husband doesn't call you or spend time with you, but expects sex. How do you not be annoyed that he doesn't facilitate an emotional connection but expects a physical one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Let me see if this is sinking in. So..I get off work, I exercise, I clean the house, I bathe the kids and do dinner, homework, etc. DH is a lazy POS and hasn't done much of anything but come home from work and veg on the tv or phone. I don't get mad or feel resentful about this because hey, if I want to clean or feed the kids that's my side of the road to worry about, not his? Is the idea that he'll see me happy and not complaining and will eventually join in and help?

The idea is that you are going to clean, give the baths, cook the dinner, supervise the homework anyway -- and now it's done without any hard feelings. Just let go of the expectation of help. If it comes, enjoy it. If it doesn't, no biggie -- you weren't expecting anything. Getting mad every night about this stuff is no way to live.

Exactly. You're doing this yourself anyway so why bother being angry on top of it. I would be much, much more concerned that he doesn't way to spend time with any of you than I would that he isn't doing something. I don't think anger is the right tool to get to the bottom of that. If anything, being pissed openly or passive aggressive is just going to make him hunker down even further away.

I have been in the position where I've boxed out my husband from contributing. I realized that and started asking him what he likes doing with the kids. It was an interesting conversation and I realized there are plenty of things he enjoys doing that I hate. Those are his to enjoy now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Let me see if this is sinking in. So..I get off work, I exercise, I clean the house, I bathe the kids and do dinner, homework, etc. DH is a lazy POS and hasn't done much of anything but come home from work and veg on the tv or phone. I don't get mad or feel resentful about this because hey, if I want to clean or feed the kids that's my side of the road to worry about, not his? Is the idea that he'll see me happy and not complaining and will eventually join in and help?

The idea is that you are going to clean, give the baths, cook the dinner, supervise the homework anyway -- and now it's done without any hard feelings. Just let go of the expectation of help. If it comes, enjoy it. If it doesn't, no biggie -- you weren't expecting anything. Getting mad every night about this stuff is no way to live.

Got it. So basically, if I divorce him and become a single mom, I'll be doing this all solo anyway. So if he does do anything at all, it's just a plus.

Look, this isn't going to save ALL marriages. If you truly married a lazy, involved jerk, that's your bed. You have choices to make. I think this method is more for not letting petty shit get in the way of everyday life. Your marriage may have bigger issues that cannot be solved by "letting it go".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Let me see if this is sinking in. So..I get off work, I exercise, I clean the house, I bathe the kids and do dinner, homework, etc. DH is a lazy POS and hasn't done much of anything but come home from work and veg on the tv or phone. I don't get mad or feel resentful about this because hey, if I want to clean or feed the kids that's my side of the road to worry about, not his? Is the idea that he'll see me happy and not complaining and will eventually join in and help?

The idea is that you are going to clean, give the baths, cook the dinner, supervise the homework anyway -- and now it's done without any hard feelings. Just let go of the expectation of help. If it comes, enjoy it. If it doesn't, no biggie -- you weren't expecting anything. Getting mad every night about this stuff is no way to live.

Exactly. You're doing this yourself anyway so why bother being angry on top of it. I would be much, much more concerned that he doesn't way to spend time with any of you than I would that he isn't doing something. I don't think anger is the right tool to get to the bottom of that. If anything, being pissed openly or passive aggressive is just going to make him hunker down even further away.

I have been in the position where I've boxed out my husband from contributing. I realized that and started asking him what he likes doing with the kids. It was an interesting conversation and I realized there are plenty of things he enjoys doing that I hate. Those are his to enjoy now.

k

That makes a lot of sense. *Leaves to go have this very conversation with DH right this second*

[Anonymous]

This is basically the most helpful and interesting DCUM thread I've read in ages. Maybe ever.

[Anonymous]

Isn't this basically what men do? Do what they want and ignore the rest? (Have we been this foolish this long?)