Reply to I think my husband is secretly applying for jobs outside of DC

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]A little too much hate heaped on the OP here.  While I disagree with her about college towns - they are generally delightful oasises of diversity and culture - it's entirely fair for the OP to have/set limits on where she moves/lives.

I had this struggle with my wife before we actually got married - she was pretty insistent on taking a job in a place I'd never ever want to live (FredVegas, an outpost of Sprawltastic Stepford PUD Teahadistan) and I told her flat out there was just no way, no how, never.  Partly because of the lack of a career for me, and partly just because I think it's a sh*thole and would never want to live there, much less raise my kid in that environment.

However, I made all that pretty clear before we got married and before we had a kid.  I don't know if the OP spoke up - hopefully this isn't anything new - it sounds like she was pretty clear.

It really doesn't matter though: it's perfectly acceptable to set hard limits on what you will and will not compromise on and stick to them.  He isn't [b]entitled[/b] to have her deep-six her career just because he got a PhD and the only place he can get TT is BFE State.  Similarly, she doesn't have to justify her reasons for not wanting to live in BFE State.  Marriage is about compromise.

OP - don't snoop and don't start haranguing him that you somehow know he's applying elsewhere.  Just be sure that you have been completely clear that there are limits to where you will move (I think compromise probably requires that you are willing to leave DC).

If you haven't been clearly asserting and communicating your limits, needs, boundaries and requirements, then you better start now.

Given what you said about "home language": if you aren't from the US or a western culture, you better start communicating fast, because he might be defaulting to one of the more...patriarchal models of family, sort of like, say, South Asian.  [/quote]

The "hate" is because she hasn't done the most obvious thing of all--talk to her husband.  And because she comes across as utterly inflexible and unwilling to look for a compromise.  She essentially vetoed several entire states in her OP without really providing much of a reason.

She can't [i]communicate[/i].[/quote]

She said repeatedly she has communicated with him. That she's been clear that she lived in a college town and doesn't wish to return to that. (I've been there, one little pocket of diversity in an otherwise conservative, rural area isn't even close to living in a diverse metro/urban area.) she also said that he's unilaterally decided things before, the way it sounds like he's doing with his job. Her DH is fickle when he discusses it with her. It sounds like she's being clear and he's being wishy washy to avoid confrontation. [/quote]

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