Husband still blames me for acting like a bitch postpartum

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could you be in an abusive relationship? He isolated you from a support network--that is abusive tactic 101.

Also, it sounds like he is very caught up on needing you to admit that to your core, you are a bitch. And that who are now is some sort of act. Again, that is something an abusive person does.

I would ask him, "why is it so important to you that you see my core personality as a bitch?" I think it will allow him to justify some of his behavior. 'Well I can do/say X because she is really just a bitch deep down inside'

Do you want to stay married to someone who is so set on casting you as a bitch? It would be hard for me to be loving to someone who needs to see me in such an awful light.

Well, in my other post about our marriage (which I linked to), everyone told me he was abusive and I needed to get out and take the baby with me. Everyone's ignoring that though, and calling me a bitch now, so who knows.

Your question ""why is it so important to you that you see my core personality as a bitch?" is exactly what bothers me about this whole thing do. I do think it's because it justifies the way he used to treat me.

[Anonymous]

Many men do not understand mental illness OP.

Especially this one as it only affects women. (To my knowledge.)

In their minds, they think people should just "snap out of it" or a la Tom Cruise sit in the sunshine & take vitamins.

Since mental illness is not a tangible illness per say like cancer and heart disease, many people simply believe it doesn't really exist. Thus the denial.

My best advice is for you both to see a counselor, perhaps someone with knowledge and experience who can explain PPD to your husband and answer any questions he may have.

The reason the stigma exists over mental illness is mostly due to lack of education and knowledge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My best advice is for you both to see a counselor, perhaps someone with knowledge and experience who can explain PPD to your husband and answer any questions he may have.

.

We did this. To this day, if I even mention it, he says he went because I needed it and he thought it was stupid that he needed to go since he doesn't have the problem. He also says the therapist even said everything was my fault - no, dear, she said I had PPD.

[Anonymous]

OP: You may have a mental illness but you are still responsible for your behavior. You just dont seem to grasp that crucial point.

Even if you prefer to attribute your behavior to an illness, you're still responsible. The illness may provide some degree of mitigation but you seem to have made a career out of using PPD as an excuse to not accept responsibility for your behavior.

The therapist who told you you had PPD didn't tell you that you werent responsible for your actiins, did she?

[Anonymous]

OP, did you also post a thread about how you were angry with your friends who bailed on you during your PPD but were acting very distraught about the Syrian refugees and posting all over Facebook about it? Just curious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, did you also post a thread about how you were angry with your friends who bailed on you during your PPD but were acting very distraught about the Syrian refugees and posting all over Facebook about it? Just curious.

??

No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are so dense.

I slammed my kids finger in the car door once. It wasn't my fault, it was actually his fault for having his fingers in the door after he was in the set. What do you think my response was? I said SORRY. I meant it. I felt terrible. I hugged him and did everything I could to comfort him.

Yiu need help on learning how to be humble. As your kids get older you will need to develop that skill.

It WAS your fault honey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Well, in my other post about our marriage (which I linked to), everyone told me he was abusive and I needed to get out and take the baby with me. Everyone's ignoring that though, and calling me a bitch now, so who knows.

Your question ""why is it so important to you that you see my core personality as a bitch?" is exactly what bothers me about this whole thing do. I do think it's because it justifies the way he used to treat me.

This was the only link I found in this thread http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/425312.page is it you? If so, you have such a fucked up relationship and I can't fathom what you get out of it or why you want to continue it. That IS what you said isn't it, that you're both committed to it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are so dense.

I slammed my kids finger in the car door once. It wasn't my fault, it was actually his fault for having his fingers in the door after he was in the set. What do you think my response was? I said SORRY. I meant it. I felt terrible. I hugged him and did everything I could to comfort him.

Yiu need help on learning how to be humble. As your kids get older you will need to develop that skill.

In this example, op would be the kid with the hurt finger. Her dH demamding an apology would be like you demanding one from your hurt kid.

The larger issue is that op's dh did not support her during the post-partum period, and is still refusing to accept that ppd exists, and stands on ceremony that he is owed an apology, but refuses to offer one himself to op.

Honestly op, I'd try to get marriage counseling and see if things can improve, but in your shoes I'd also consider walking away if things haven't improved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your baby/child needs you two-- both of you-- to
get your sh@t together. And I say that with a lot of compassion. I had PPD that became so severe that I decided my two kids (1&3) were better off without me. And better if I was gone before they could remember me. So I had a suicide attempt. Coma, ventilator, the whole 9 yards. It was a long, dark climb back, and I felt terrible about putting my DH through that hell. And apologized. And really meant it. Even if I was getting help at the time, and doing the best I could, I still hurt him a lot. No ifs, ands or buts. And acknowledged that. But on the flip side, he was very forgiving, and repeatedly told me, when I didn't believe it, that I had a disease, and he was there for me no matter what. He said he could no more blame me than he could if I had been diagnosed with cancer.

Fast forward 10 years. And the kids I thought were better off without me are 11 & 13, and I know without a doubt that I am a great mom, that I contribute so much to the amazing people they are becoming, and and that they would never recover if I was gone. The depression is gone, but I still see a therapist regularly, and deal with stressful situations as they come up, rather than letting them fester. We never had the 3rd child I wanted because of concerns about recurrent PPD, but our marriage is very strong. I suspect stronger than it would otherwise be because we went through something so tough together.

But that's the thing-- we did it together. It was a terrible situation. And it tore both of us to pieces. But in some ways, it was like a lightening strike. There was no real way to predict it. I did very well with DC1. So rather than pointing fingers, I put 100% into recovery and DH put 100% into supporting me. I felt terrible about hurting and scaring him, and acknowledged that, without conditions. He felt terrible about what I was going through, and did everything he could to help.

Point is-- you're parents now. You owe it to DC to stop pointing fingers and do whatever it takes to become a team.

NP here. Thank you so much for telling your story. I am so glad you are here and are okay. Thank you for fighting your way back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Well, in my other post about our marriage (which I linked to), everyone told me he was abusive and I needed to get out and take the baby with me. Everyone's ignoring that though, and calling me a bitch now, so who knows.

Your question ""why is it so important to you that you see my core personality as a bitch?" is exactly what bothers me about this whole thing do. I do think it's because it justifies the way he used to treat me.

This was the only link I found in this thread http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/425312.page is it you? If so, you have such a fucked up relationship and I can't fathom what you get out of it or why you want to continue it. That IS what you said isn't it, that you're both committed to it?

Things are a lot better now. His only issue right now is that I haven't apologized for how I behaved. As I reread the thread though, for the first time since I wrote it, I really think he's trying to justify his behavior back then.

To the PP who attempted suicide, I am sorry. I do hope you see the difference in a husband who was supportive and one who doesn't believe PPD exists, though.

[Anonymous]

OP, you can't control your husband. You can only control yourself. It sucks that he doesn't understand PPD. And I still don't know what you mean about him isolating you. But I have a mental illness myself and I still have to take responsibility for how I act when my symptoms are worse. I still apologize when I act in a hurtful way.

Are you not sorry for how you acted? I'll take you at your word that you're not a bitch. So assuming you wish you he not acted so bitchily (beachside your symptoms), can you not just say that?

How about this:
"the postpartum months after Jack was born were the worst in my whole life. I know my illness was really hard on you as well as me. I am sorry that I said the things I said. I am sorry I behaved so badly when we fought."

Saying that doesn't mean you concede that you ARE a bitch. It's just an apology without a "but".

Things are shit between you guys. On so many levels. It can't hurt.

[Anonymous]

BTW, I'm 19:42 and I just re-read your old post. Remind me why you want to stay married to this guy? Your illness notwithstanding, he sounds like an irredeemable asshole of epic proportions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Well, in my other post about our marriage (which I linked to), everyone told me he was abusive and I needed to get out and take the baby with me. Everyone's ignoring that though, and calling me a bitch now, so who knows.

Your question ""why is it so important to you that you see my core personality as a bitch?" is exactly what bothers me about this whole thing do. I do think it's because it justifies the way he used to treat me.

This was the only link I found in this thread http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/425312.page is it you? If so, you have such a fucked up relationship and I can't fathom what you get out of it or why you want to continue it. That IS what you said isn't it, that you're both committed to it?

Things are a lot better now. His only issue right now is that I haven't apologized for how I behaved. As I reread the thread though, for the first time since I wrote it, I really think he's trying to justify his behavior back then.

To the PP who attempted suicide, I am sorry. I do hope you see the difference in a husband who was supportive and one who doesn't believe PPD exists, though.

So that is your old thread? Has he apologized for his behaviour?

[Anonymous]

OP, I understand where you're coming from. I didn't have PPD but I've read enough about it to understand how it can completely and radically change you. I remember reading about the woman who strapped her baby to her chest and jumped off a building in New York (her baby survived), and how so many people wrote that she was "evil," "horrible," etc, even though her severe PPD was well documented and she was seeing medical professionals. People just don't understand. Accept that your DH doesn't get it. Maybe have him read a couple things about it, and then accept that some people aren't good at understanding things they haven't been through. Then move on. You know you're not a bitch. Maybe in time he'll either understand, or you both will forget about it enough that it's not a big deal.