Husband still blames me for acting like a bitch postpartum

[Anonymous]

Our marriage sucked the first 6-7 months of our child's life. It was horrible. Screaming, emotional abuse on both sides. I couldn't get help for disabling PPD ("it's just hormones"). I was so full of rage that I couldn't stand to see him, and of course no one even told me that was PPD. I thought I was a bitch and so did he. When I figured it out, I begged him for help because I didn't have the energy and he basically laughed and said there was nothing wrong with me other than that I was a bitch.

Two and a half years later, I'm finally better, but I can't move past his comments. I tried counseling and objectively I know it wasn't me - it was a mental illness - but he made a comment last week that showed he still believes it was something in my personality. He told me I never apologized, exvept to blame it on a disease I didn't even have. Do I even have a chance of convincing him that was not me? I just cannot force the words, "I am sorry for being horrible to you" out of my mouth without appending something about PPD to it.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried marriage counseling? Both of you?

[Anonymous]

He's holding a grudge this long? Then he has a mental illness himself, probably OCD, maybe even PTSD! Regardless, he needs counseling at this point, better yet a few couples sessions to get beyond the anger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried marriage counseling? Both of you?

Yes. He throws that back in my face during arguments because he says he doesn't need it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's holding a grudge this long? Then he has a mental illness himself, probably OCD, maybe even PTSD! Regardless, he needs counseling at this point, better yet a few couples sessions to get beyond the anger.

No, I think he just honestly thinks I still owe him an apology.

[Anonymous]

It's hard to internalize that it's just a disease. When you break a leg, it's obvious you can't walk. But, when you have a mental disease, it's tough to see why you can't just keep your mouth shut instead of screaming at him to fuck off or whatever -- especially if there were instances where you were unkind to him before you had kids.

So, the first step is explaining how one can tell whether bad behavior is caused by a disease versus when it's just caused by someone being a schmuck.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you really get it. You married a guy who is not going to be available if you should ever get sick or some life emergency happens, and it will.

He yells? I don't predict you'll stay married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's holding a grudge this long? Then he has a mental illness himself, probably OCD, maybe even PTSD! Regardless, he needs counseling at this point, better yet a few couples sessions to get beyond the anger.

No, I think he just honestly thinks I still owe him an apology.

You need to reframe this and get you both into counseling. Frankly, this isn't about PPD - your marriage is on the line here. He needs to get that.

[Anonymous]

I think part of the issue is that people always assume PPD is sadness and crying, and it's really not.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you do. You can still feel sorry for your actions even if it was an illness talking.

I have a family member who was diagnosed with bipolar disorder after years of treating everyone horribly. When he started treatment, he was very defensive about his previous actions, blaming everything on the illness and refusing to acknowledge how much he actually hurt everyone. When he finally reached a point of being at enough peace with himself to acknowledge the pain he had caused and sincerely apologize for it, he was able to start rebuilding relationships. We're better now, but he had to get to that point before anyone would trust him again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you really get it. You married a guy who is not going to be available if you should ever get sick or some life emergency happens, and it will.

He yells? I don't predict you'll stay married.

Neither of us have yelled at each other in about a year and a half and neither plan on leaving the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you do. You can still feel sorry for your actions even if it was an illness talking.

I have a family member who was diagnosed with bipolar disorder after years of treating everyone horribly. When he started treatment, he was very defensive about his previous actions, blaming everything on the illness and refusing to acknowledge how much he actually hurt everyone. When he finally reached a point of being at enough peace with himself to acknowledge the pain he had caused and sincerely apologize for it, he was able to start rebuilding relationships. We're better now, but he had to get to that point before anyone would trust him again.

So you're blaming a mentally ill man for actions that he couldn't control at the time? Gem of a family you have. I hope he has much better support than you.

[Anonymous]

Jane you actually tried apologizing? You lose nothing by acknowledging his feelings. Apologizing doesn't mean you're too blame only that you are genuinely sorry for how your actions made him feel

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you do. You can still feel sorry for your actions even if it was an illness talking.

I have a family member who was diagnosed with bipolar disorder after years of treating everyone horribly. When he started treatment, he was very defensive about his previous actions, blaming everything on the illness and refusing to acknowledge how much he actually hurt everyone. When he finally reached a point of being at enough peace with himself to acknowledge the pain he had caused and sincerely apologize for it, he was able to start rebuilding relationships. We're better now, but he had to get to that point before anyone would trust him again.

So you're blaming a mentally ill man for actions that he couldn't control at the time? Gem of a family you have. I hope he has much better support than you.

NP here, but she's saying that even if it wasn't the person's "fault", apologizing for the hurt they caused can go a long way to restoring relationships. Much like how in AA you are supposed to apologize to those people you have hurt along the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jane you actually tried apologizing? You lose nothing by acknowledging his feelings. Apologizing doesn't mean you're too blame only that you are genuinely sorry for how your actions made him feel

I did try, but it ended up being something like, "I'm really sorry things went so badly and I wasn't a nice person, but....."

He really hated that but, but I just can't take very much responsibility for this. I had no idea what hit me, I wanted to die, I wanted him to take the baby and leave and no one would help me. And I really feel like a flat out "I'm sorry for being a bitch" is really dismissive of what I went through and the seriousness of the disease, especially since I think some of it was actually caused by him (long story, but there was a huge lack of social support in my life at the time and he blew that off and said it had nothing to do with PPD, which we all know isn't even true).