Husband still blames me for acting like a bitch postpartum

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You attempted an insincere apology with a "but" in the sentence.

Having a mental illness is one part of it, but understand that even though it afflicted you, you hurt your loved one. On purpose or not is irrelevant. Just like if someone with bipolar went into rage. An apology would still be warranted to other person.

Once you acknowledge his feelings, he would likely be more willing to acknowledge yours. You say you won't take responsibility for your actions because it was a mental illness. So why should he take responsibility for your mental illness? Why is he to blame for not recognizing PPD, especially PPD that doesn't have the usual symptoms?

Again, this isn't about me "hurting" him. That's not his issue.

And yes, I think he needs to take a lot of responsibility because he isolated me after the baby was born, which directly contributed to it. I cried and screamed about it, but he had made his decision and that was it. I argued until I was blue in the face about lack of social support being a causal factor, and was ignored.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You attempted an insincere apology with a "but" in the sentence.

Having a mental illness is one part of it, but understand that even though it afflicted you, you hurt your loved one. On purpose or not is irrelevant. Just like if someone with bipolar went into rage. An apology would still be warranted to other person.

Once you acknowledge his feelings, he would likely be more willing to acknowledge yours. You say you won't take responsibility for your actions because it was a mental illness. So why should he take responsibility for your mental illness? Why is he to blame for not recognizing PPD, especially PPD that doesn't have the usual symptoms?

Again, this isn't about me "hurting" him. That's not his issue.

And yes, I think he needs to take a lot of responsibility because he isolated me after the baby was born, which directly contributed to it. I cried and screamed about it, but he had made his decision and that was it. I argued until I was blue in the face about lack of social support being a causal factor, and was ignored.

The title of the thread is "Husband still blames me for acting like a bitch postpartum". To me that sounds like he felt hurt. That hurt has probably manifested as anger. Which has now probably manifested into resentment since you refuse to be take responsibility for acting mean towards him.

It boils down to this OP-if you want to be able to move pass this and make your marriage work. Give him a sincere apology and then, later, when tensions have settled have an adult conversation about how hurt you felt for being isolated and give him a chance to apologize to you. Go to therapy if needed to resolve both of your issues.

Otherwise, don't take responsibility, keep blaming him and eventually get a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Your baby/child needs you two-- both of you-- to
get your sh@t together. And I say that with a lot of compassion. I had PPD that became so severe that I decided my two kids (1&3) were better off without me. And better if I was gone before they could remember me. So I had a suicide attempt. Coma, ventilator, the whole 9 yards. It was a long, dark climb back, and I felt terrible about putting my DH through that hell. And apologized. And really meant it. Even if I was getting help at the time, and doing the best I could, I still hurt him a lot. No ifs, ands or buts. And acknowledged that. But on the flip side, he was very forgiving, and repeatedly told me, when I didn't believe it, that I had a disease, and he was there for me no matter what. He said he could no more blame me than he could if I had been diagnosed with cancer.

Fast forward 10 years. And the kids I thought were better off without me are 11 & 13, and I know without a doubt that I am a great mom, that I contribute so much to the amazing people they are becoming, and and that they would never recover if I was gone. The depression is gone, but I still see a therapist regularly, and deal with stressful situations as they come up, rather than letting them fester. We never had the 3rd child I wanted because of concerns about recurrent PPD, but our marriage is very strong. I suspect stronger than it would otherwise be because we went through something so tough together.

But that's the thing-- we did it together. It was a terrible situation. And it tore both of us to pieces. But in some ways, it was like a lightening strike. There was no real way to predict it. I did very well with DC1. So rather than pointing fingers, I put 100% into recovery and DH put 100% into supporting me. I felt terrible about hurting and scaring him, and acknowledged that, without conditions. He felt terrible about what I was going through, and did everything he could to help.

Point is-- you're parents now. You owe it to DC to stop pointing fingers and do whatever it takes to become a team.

[Anonymous]

He's not calling you names because he feels good about it. Even if he won't admit it, if you treated him badly, it hurts.

Could you have him speak to the doctor who diagnosed you with PPD? That might go a long way to help him trust that you were truly suffering from a medical condition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In other words OP you were a bitch with PPD.

Now the PPD is gone but you're still a bitch, still playing the victim.

+1

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's holding a grudge this long? Then he has a mental illness himself, probably OCD, maybe even PTSD! Regardless, he needs counseling at this point, better yet a few couples sessions to get beyond the anger.

No, I think he just honestly thinks I still owe him an apology.

Why don't you apologize and see what happens? Are you more interested in making the situation right or more interested in being right?

Because I don't think I have anything to apologize for.

So you are more interested in being right then? Good luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You attempted an insincere apology with a "but" in the sentence.

Having a mental illness is one part of it, but understand that even though it afflicted you, you hurt your loved one. On purpose or not is irrelevant. Just like if someone with bipolar went into rage. An apology would still be warranted to other person.

Once you acknowledge his feelings, he would likely be more willing to acknowledge yours. You say you won't take responsibility for your actions because it was a mental illness. So why should he take responsibility for your mental illness? Why is he to blame for not recognizing PPD, especially PPD that doesn't have the usual symptoms?

Again, this isn't about me "hurting" him. That's not his issue.

And yes, I think he needs to take a lot of responsibility because he isolated me after the baby was born, which directly contributed to it. I cried and screamed about it, but he had made his decision and that was it. I argued until I was blue in the face about lack of social support being a causal factor, and was ignored.

How did he isolate you? From him, or from the rest of the world? OP, I don't really know what the way forward for you is. it sounds like you both have a lot of hurt. He needs to acknowledge that you had PPD, and you need to apologize for hurting him, without any qualifications (regardless of whether it was your "fault," you hurt him a lot). I think both things need to happen but it doesn't sound like they will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he apologized for his role in not recognizing your ppd, would you feel better about apologizing for your actions during that time?

Yes. But he still maintains I did not have it.

Well, that is a very big deal. Has he been to your doctor with you? Have you done counseling together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our marriage sucked the first 6-7 months of our child's life. It was horrible. Screaming, emotional abuse on both sides. I couldn't get help for disabling PPD ("it's just hormones"). I was so full of rage that I couldn't stand to see him, and of course no one even told me that was PPD. I thought I was a bitch and so did he. When I figured it out, I begged him for help because I didn't have the energy and he basically laughed and said there was nothing wrong with me other than that I was a bitch.

Two and a half years later, I'm finally better, but I can't move past his comments. I tried counseling and objectively I know it wasn't me - it was a mental illness - but he made a comment last week that showed he still believes it was something in my personality. He told me I never apologized, exvept to blame it on a disease I didn't even have. Do I even have a chance of convincing him that was not me? I just cannot force the words, "I am sorry for being horrible to you" out of my mouth without appending something about PPD to it.

Have him take a Medrol pack chock full of a bitch-making substance and ask him how he feels.

http://www.drugs.com/sfx/medrol-dosepak-side-effects.html

It's one of those things that you have to have experienced it to really know just how thoroughly it can fuck you up. My family still makes fun of my weekend of outrage. I wore a pink bikini (back when I could) and sipped lemon water, sunbathing between mad sessions of barking evil, furiously. Stomp, stomp, growl through the garden. It was so beyond beyond! I cannot imagine suffering through this for six months.

Would having him speak directly to a doctor help? I assume you've apologized profusely. Once you've done that (and meant it) there's room for understanding what you BOTH suffered.

I have never been so angry with ice cubes in my life! It was ridiculous!! And, because it was ridiculous (and not targeted to anyone in particular) we all survived it with minimal damage. I apologized, even though everyone knew it was the meds. Why wouldn't I? I was a nightmare. Understanding can come later, OP. You need to acknowledge what you became. How else do you see things moving forward?

[Anonymous]

Op you both desperately need counselings ng. You each are defensive and each holding on to a lot of pain and blame. You refusr to acknowledge his feelings because he refuses to acknowledge yours. This is a slow war with no winners. You each failed the other and you have to let go of the but but but it was his fault I got PPD etc, mostly because there's no hope for you to get what you really need unless you both lay down your weapons and hear each other. It's as if each of you refuses to validate the others feelings because each of you feels like you haven't been validated. That calls for counseling.

[Anonymous]

Could you be in an abusive relationship? He isolated you from a support network--that is abusive tactic 101.

Also, it sounds like he is very caught up on needing you to admit that to your core, you are a bitch. And that who are now is some sort of act. Again, that is something an abusive person does.

I would ask him, "why is it so important to you that you see my core personality as a bitch?" I think it will allow him to justify some of his behavior. 'Well I can do/say X because she is really just a bitch deep down inside'

Do you want to stay married to someone who is so set on casting you as a bitch? It would be hard for me to be loving to someone who needs to see me in such an awful light.

[Anonymous]

How did he isolate you?

[Anonymous]

You both sound very unhappy and intent on blaming the other person for what happened, even though it wasn't anyone's fault. You're going to need counseling to see how your behaviors affected each other and still do. Otherwise one of you has to be the bigger person and apologize first. It doesn't sound like it's going to be him.

Do you still suffer from depression? You seem like you're having trouble accepting your role in this situation. And I'm saying this as someone who also had severe ppd, and apologized to DH without any qualifiers.

[Anonymous]

So what if you were a "bitch" because of PPD or not it doesn't make a difference to him. The fact is you mistreated each other. Just say sorry and forget the PPD because he doesn't think you really had it and you know know what, he could be RIGHT (I don't think he is, BUT it's possible, there's no empirical proof of PPD you could have just been a "bitch"because you were sleep deprived.). You're not going to move beyond this unless you stop trying to convince him is was the PPD. It's always helpful to resolve disputes to see things from someone else's prospective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You both sound very unhappy and intent on blaming the other person for what happened, even though it wasn't anyone's fault. You're going to need counseling to see how your behaviors affected each other and still do. Otherwise one of you has to be the bigger person and apologize first. It doesn't sound like it's going to be him.

Do you still suffer from depression? You seem like you're having trouble accepting your role in this situation. And I'm saying this as someone who also had severe ppd, and apologized to DH without any qualifiers.

It doesn't sound like it's going to be her, either.
OP, my mom has bipolar. She put my family through hell about 9 years ago. She finally got on the right meds and saw things clearly for the first time in a very long time. And you know what she did? She made amends for what she did to us. She didn't hide behind an illness, she took responsibility for her actions despite being ill, because you know what? She still actually did those things, said those things, etc. It sounds like you did, too. You are the only one responsible for your actions, and it sounds like for that time period you were actually a bitch. Say sorry, mean it, and move on. What's your choice, really? Stay in this stand off?
P.S. Your husband also sounds like a dick, but if you want to stay married, break the stand off.