Husband still blames me for acting like a bitch postpartum

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So what if you were a "bitch" because of PPD or not it doesn't make a difference to him. The fact is you mistreated each other. Just say sorry and forget the PPD because he doesn't think you really had it and you know know what, he could be RIGHT (I don't think he is, BUT it's possible, there's no empirical proof of PPD you could have just been a "bitch"because you were sleep deprived.). You're not going to move beyond this unless you stop trying to convince him is was the PPD. It's always helpful to resolve disputes to see things from someone else's prospective.

+1000

[Anonymous]

If your husband refuses to acknowledge that you had PPD and wants you to confess to your core bitch then clearly he's a jerk.

But if you tripped in a restaurant and spoiled coffee on someone you'd spouse even if you had no intention to hurt the keratin in the dust place.

Agree with other pps, if you want ti move forward take the first step and apologize, if you don't then you night as well call a lawyer...this sounds like way too much resentment to get over without help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your husband refuses to acknowledge that you had PPD and wants you to confess to your core bitch then clearly he's a jerk.

But if you tripped in a restaurant and spilled coffee on someone you'd apologize even if you had no intention to hurt the person in the first place.

Agree with other pps, if you want ti move forward take the first step and apologize, if you don't then you night as well call a lawyer...this sounds like way too much resentment to get over without help

Fixed that sentence...typing on a phone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In other words OP you were a bitch with PPD.

Now the PPD is gone but you're still a bitch, still playing the victim.

+1

I'll just leave this here for you two jerks.

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/425312.page

OP, is that thread yours, too? I remember that ... your DH was absolutely horrid to you.

[Anonymous]

You both sound very prideful.

You aren't able to apologize for your actions that hurt someone - whether you were "under the influence" or not is not particularly relevant. You did and said those things, and they hurt. You need to own that.

He isn't able to recognize that you were sick. Maybe he doesn't believe that you were. Maybe he doesn't want to bear the responsibility for dismissing your struggles. Either way, he needs to recognize that what you went through was real.

As for your overall personality, whether you're actually a bitch, etc., I don't know. I don't know you. It sounds like you are very attached to being right, which is something I would generally associate with someone who is a bitch. You are blaming him for a lot of your PPD - he isolated you how, for example? I also agree with the PP that it's possible that your attitude toward him now is attitude born of sleep deprivation and stress (about whatever). PPD is more than that, as I'm sure you're aware. But you are not going to get anywhere productive with both of you insisting that the other agree to their perception of a situation where each is putting 100% of the responsibility on the other - him by saying that you chose to behave in a shitty way, and you by saying that you had no control over it at all.

[Anonymous]

Despite the PPD, you still need to take responsibility for your behavior and apologize.

My husband suffered a brain injury, and his recovery and subsequent behavior, though completely due to the injury, was very tough on our relationship. He was mean and hateful. It took medication, time, and therapy for him to realize the damage he was inflicting. While I acknowledge the behavior is a result of the injury, I still needed, and received an apology. We worked together to repair the damage to our relationship in the same way we sought treatment for his physical and mental issues.

An apology, without added excuses, is required.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if it's possible that the husband is holding tight to the idea of no PPD because, if it actually was PPD, then he failed OP and could have some blame. Both the OP and her husband seem very invested in being right, or the victim.

OP, my husband didn't realize I had PPD even though I was spiraling into a severe depression. My DD is five years old now and he still doesn't get it. We are in counseling for a variety of reasons, and even our therapist can't seem to get though to him. And I feel like I was abandoned in my worst hours by the person who is supposed to be there for me. It's really hard. But even I realize that my actions hurt him too, and for that I am sincerely sorry even though I was a mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You both sound very prideful.

You aren't able to apologize for your actions that hurt someone - whether you were "under the influence" or not is not particularly relevant. You did and said those things, and they hurt. You need to own that.

He isn't able to recognize that you were sick. Maybe he doesn't believe that you were. Maybe he doesn't want to bear the responsibility for dismissing your struggles. Either way, he needs to recognize that what you went through was real.

As for your overall personality, whether you're actually a bitch, etc., I don't know. I don't know you. It sounds like you are very attached to being right, which is something I would generally associate with someone who is a bitch. You are blaming him for a lot of your PPD - he isolated you how, for example? I also agree with the PP that it's possible that your attitude toward him now is attitude born of sleep deprivation and stress (about whatever). PPD is more than that, as I'm sure you're aware. But you are not going to get anywhere productive with both of you insisting that the other agree to their perception of a situation where each is putting 100% of the responsibility on the other - him by saying that you chose to behave in a shitty way, and you by saying that you had no control over it at all.

Lots of well considered posts that I agree with - including this one. The PPD may be an explanation but it is not an excuse. If you two aren't willing to invest in your relationship and work out your many issues in counseling, I don't know why you would want to stay together. Have you ever worked with a personal trainer, had a mentor at work, accept coaching from a sports coach? Why would you not work with a relationship specialist to eliminate your bad relationship habits and improve your partnering skills?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You attempted an insincere apology with a "but" in the sentence.

Having a mental illness is one part of it, but understand that even though it afflicted you, you hurt your loved one. On purpose or not is irrelevant. Just like if someone with bipolar went into rage. An apology would still be warranted to other person.

Once you acknowledge his feelings, he would likely be more willing to acknowledge yours. You say you won't take responsibility for your actions because it was a mental illness. So why should he take responsibility for your mental illness? Why is he to blame for not recognizing PPD, especially PPD that doesn't have the usual symptoms?

Again, this isn't about me "hurting" him. That's not his issue.

And yes, I think he needs to take a lot of responsibility because he isolated me after the baby was born, which directly contributed to it. I cried and screamed about it, but he had made his decision and that was it. I argued until I was blue in the face about lack of social support being a causal factor, and was ignored.

How did he isolate you after birth? I think you should divorce him, because he's minimizing something very serious, and has proven he's a fair weather man. It also sounds like he's still being emotionally abusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jane you actually tried apologizing? You lose nothing by acknowledging his feelings. Apologizing doesn't mean you're too blame only that you are genuinely sorry for how your actions made him feel

I did try, but it ended up being something like, "I'm really sorry things went so badly and I wasn't a nice person, but....."

He really hated that but, but I just can't take very much responsibility for this. I had no idea what hit me, I wanted to die, I wanted him to take the baby and leave and no one would help me. And I really feel like a flat out "I'm sorry for being a bitch" is really dismissive of what I went through and the seriousness of the disease, especially since I think some of it was actually caused by him (long story, but there was a huge lack of social support in my life at the time and he blew that off and said it had nothing to do with PPD, which we all know isn't even true).

A but should never follow an apology. A but negates your apology. You should difficult and selfish.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are so dense.

I slammed my kids finger in the car door once. It wasn't my fault, it was actually his fault for having his fingers in the door after he was in the set. What do you think my response was? I said SORRY. I meant it. I felt terrible. I hugged him and did everything I could to comfort him.

Yiu need help on learning how to be humble. As your kids get older you will need to develop that skill.

[Anonymous]

What does it mean that he isolated you? I'm not sure what that means in this context. Did he refuse visitors? Or not allow friends and family to come over?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are so dense.

I slammed my kids finger in the car door once. It wasn't my fault, it was actually his fault for having his fingers in the door after he was in the set. What do you think my response was? I said SORRY. I meant it. I felt terrible. I hugged him and did everything I could to comfort him.

Yiu need help on learning how to be humble. As your kids get older you will need to develop that skill.

+1. You've got to apologize without the "but".

[Anonymous]

OP, you are not going to like what I have to say to people like you. Hormones don't make you a bitch. They exacerbate the bitch you already are. This is your problem, deal with it and stop blaming your hormones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are not going to like what I have to say to people like you. Hormones don't make you a bitch. They exacerbate the bitch you already are. This is your problem, deal with it and stop blaming your hormones.

You're 100% wrong.