Worried About DH's Ultimatum

[Anonymous]

And this exactly why I will tell my daughters that shold alway be in a position to support themselves and their children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your one kid is out of the house in college why on earth WOULDN'T you be working? You're just going to sit around the house all day doing... what? Your husband is right. If SAHM was your contribution, and the kid is gone, you need to make a new contribution to the household. He might like to retire one day, you know.

My oldest is in K and I will be back to work in the next 2 years when my youngest can go. Nobody needs a SAHM who has nothing to do for 7-8 hours a day. [/quote

My kids are in elementary and I've been at home since my oldest was born 11 years ago (though I'm returning to work next month). My situation may be different in that I worked in the social services field and wasn't a high earner - plus my field is much easier to return to than many others, like law.
But staying home was a joint decision and my DH felt that it made his life easier in a lot of ways. The decision to return to work this year was mine, not his.


But we aren't "ambitious" - we're happy in a middle class lifestyle with our basic needs met but few luxuries. We like being home by 6pm and we don't mind road-tripping on vacations instead of flying, driving old cars, buying inexpensive clothes, not updating our home, etc. Our values line up that way, so DH didn't feel pressured as the sole provider all those years. We are very satisfied to live within our means.

I have complete respect for working moms and I would hope they don't perceive me with derision, as reflected in so many of these threads. But I've learned to let go of what others think of the choices I've made - life is far too short.

[Anonymous]

OP, in your 50s, save your money and don't invest it in a degree. Start a business using your art skills.

My mother was a high school graduate, and she did wedding planning/flowers/ anything else needed for weddings. This was word of my mouth clients so no money spent on advertising. She sometimes would take the brides with her to shop for the supplies, and if they couldn't afford the labor full price, she would tutor them and show them how to make some of the wedding stuff themselves for a lesser price.

She worked with the cake decorater in the neighborhood, too. Clients paid in cash usually, and she worked out of her home.

[Anonymous]

Sorry but 16k is pitiful. We pay our 22 year old new hires 45k and it's had to live on. Why can't you finish your degree? Or get any sort of starting job.

[Anonymous]

$16k sounds right for teacher aide positions in a really rural area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Wow, either this whole thread is made-up or OP is suffering from the cooped-up and frustrated idiots in this area.

OP, I'm sorry that your husband is being so cruel. First contact a lawyer. Put money regularly into your own account.

It can never hurt to find a better paying job. I know it's hard!

Nothing cruel about it. The gravy train is over.

Oh so taking care of everything at home - from cooking and cleaning, shopping for groceries, driving their daughter around, not to mention all of the kin-keeping tasks like buying gifts, sending birthday cards, calling his parents on their anniversary, then liaising with teachers and administrators for their daughter, keeping track of what's running low in the house, paying the bills and taxes and balancing the check books... that's a gravy train? Really? No. If this were a real post she'd be entitled to alimony because all the work she did behind the scenes allowed him to excel at his office.

Yes, it is a gravy train because you are over-estimating the importance and/or required time commitment for these mundane tasks to justify your lack of real work. If you REALLY think that "buying gifts and sending birthday cards" takes much thought/time, you might have some kind of learning disability that is the true reason you would struggle to do this while holding down a full-time job. How hard is it to point and click on a website to have a gift delivered to your door? How hard is it to buy a pack of cards and then fill out one as needed? Do you REALLY think that "calling his parents on their anniversary" and "liaising" with teachers is not something that you can easily do in a few moments during a lunch break from a real job? Why are you still using "check books"? Don't you use online banking? Paying bills is NOT time consuming unless you suffer from ADHD: do you? Why can't you share cooking/cleaning tasks with another primary breadwinner?

If you want to sah and can afford it, great. But don't pretend that being a sahm is anywhere near as demanding as a full time job: you only make yourself look foolish.

You sound like a really unpleasant person. While I agree that as a WOH parent I manage all of those things. I am sure there are things that could be done better for our hoesholed if my spouse or I did not work. It is a decision each family has to make.

I think accusing the OP of having learning disabilities is really obnoxious. It reflects the type of person you are and your own prejudices.

Many people with those difficulties manage all of these responsibilities and more while working outside of the home. They also manage to be kind and understanding to others who are different from them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's an ass. Remind him you het half the assets and will go for alimony and child support and find a man who really loves you. Slowly start stashing money in your name.

+1. If he's so callous and ready to move out, wouldn't you both be happier if he did? You won't have to work if you can live on the cheap with his alimony (although he will cry poverty to minimize the alimony.)

Would they really award alimony these days?

Yes, particularly if the wife hasn't really worked in the past 10 yrs.

If so, it would likely be rehabilitative alimony for maybe 2 years while the wife gets trained for employment.
But then the alimony stops.
Permanent alimony is exceedingly rare in the current century.

Maybe on the alimony but considering she is actually working and making an income, there might also be a presumption that she would start working full time vs. part time.
Either way - any alimony she would receive would never be commiserate with the current income level that she has now via her DH. She would only get a portion of his income and right now she is getting 100% benefit of his income. So either way she would have to start working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Wow, either this whole thread is made-up or OP is suffering from the cooped-up and frustrated idiots in this area.

OP, I'm sorry that your husband is being so cruel. First contact a lawyer. Put money regularly into your own account.

It can never hurt to find a better paying job. I know it's hard!

Nothing cruel about it. The gravy train is over.

Oh so taking care of everything at home - from cooking and cleaning, shopping for groceries, driving their daughter around, not to mention all of the kin-keeping tasks like buying gifts, sending birthday cards, calling his parents on their anniversary, then liaising with teachers and administrators for their daughter, keeping track of what's running low in the house, paying the bills and taxes and balancing the check books... that's a gravy train? Really? No. If this were a real post she'd be entitled to alimony because all the work she did behind the scenes allowed him to excel at his office.

But she said he didn't excel at the office. His career hasn't gone that well, she said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's an ass. Remind him you het half the assets and will go for alimony and child support and find a man who really loves you. Slowly start stashing money in your name.

Another poster. Does half the assets include property owned that does not have your name on the deed?

[Anonymous]

OP have you pondered escorting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's an ass. Remind him you het half the assets and will go for alimony and child support and find a man who really loves you. Slowly start stashing money in your name.

Another poster. Does half the assets include property owned that does not have your name on the deed?

It does in Maryland and many other states. All property is marital property, no matter how it's titled. But this is state-dependent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Look, SAHMs. Once the kids are in school, you really don't need to be a full-time SAHM anymore. You can work part-time at least. I understand that cooking and driving kids around is time-consuming, but that other stuff is just fluff that can be done quickly. My bills are auto-drafted every month. Balancing checkbooks? This is has been automatically available on every bank website since Bill Clinton was in office. I don't even think about it. Sending birthday cards? "Keeping track of what's low in the house"? Calling relatives? Are you serious? The fact that you would even use these things as examples of "work" just undermines your attempt at sounding busy. You're not fooling anyone.

And none of this would be a problem except that these long-term SAHMs always feel entitled to having another human being pay them alimony for the rest of their lives. It's absolutely wrong. If anything, you should be paying THEM back for subsidizing you for all of these years.

Well said. I don't know about the whole paying THEM back part, but this is why you get a god damn real job when the kids are in middle school to HS, so when your husband decides to upgrade to a younger, hotter model, you are left up shit's creek without a paddle.

[Anonymous]

Leaving aside the issue of whether OP should be earning more or whatever, I'm having a hard time imagining continuing in a marriage after the spouse has said "make more money or I'm divorcing you". How could you ever be happy or secure in your marriage again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Leaving aside the issue of whether OP should be earning more or whatever, I'm having a hard time imagining continuing in a marriage after the spouse has said "make more money or I'm divorcing you". How could you ever be happy or secure in your marriage again?

And how can you secure and happy in a marriage where the other partner refuses to pull their financial or working weight, for the benefit of the family?

OP has been given the opportunity to spend the important "formative" years running the household and raising a child, who will no longer be at home next year. Despite reducing responsibility at home, whe is not actively seeking resolution to the problem of what will fill her time now. With a child in high school, there was no reason she couldn't have spent the last few years pursing completion of her degree or other training, in anticipation of the fact that he position of SAHM was coming to a close. That should be possible, even including the tiny amount she has been working (because I don't think she's working $10 an hour for 30 hours a week).

A partnership is just that- two people working towards the same goal(s). Goals change. Child has been raised. Now is the time to focus on future goals as a couple, which includes financial security on their later years. Most business partners wouldn't subsidize another... Unless it was agreed that one earner will continue to earn only, it's ridiculous to expect such a work imbalance going forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, he probably figured he'd try to stick it out until the child was out of high school, and whatever his real reasons are, this is the reason he's giving you. He may be having an affair. He may be sick of you--maybe lack of sex? Or not in love with you anymore for whatever reason.

Seems to me that whether you split up or stay together, you're going to have to find some full-time work. It's not going to be easy.

Wow!! Don't cushion the blow or anything. Beat her when she's down why don't you?

What do you expect?