Worried About DH's Ultimatum

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Leaving aside the issue of whether OP should be earning more or whatever, I'm having a hard time imagining continuing in a marriage after the spouse has said "make more money or I'm divorcing you". How could you ever be happy or secure in your marriage again?

I'm sure he didn't just abruptly make this announcement. It's probably something that's been brewing for a while. Would you prefer if her DH didn't say anything and just filed for divorce without warning? At least he's giving her notice. A lot of guys in his position have been known to abruptly dump their wives for younger women.

And I think it's less "make more money" and more "put a little more effort into it." I doubt he expects her to be making big money, but he probably feels like cooking dinner and sending birthday cards isn't fair when he has to work full-time. Most men don't expect their wives to make as much money as they do, especially when they were SAHMs for a lengthy period. I think it's really about attitude and effort here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Wow, either this whole thread is made-up or OP is suffering from the cooped-up and frustrated idiots in this area.

OP, I'm sorry that your husband is being so cruel. First contact a lawyer. Put money regularly into your own account.

It can never hurt to find a better paying job. I know it's hard!

Nothing cruel about it. The gravy train is over.

Oh so taking care of everything at home - from cooking and cleaning, shopping for groceries, driving their daughter around, not to mention all of the kin-keeping tasks like buying gifts, sending birthday cards, calling his parents on their anniversary, then liaising with teachers and administrators for their daughter, keeping track of what's running low in the house, paying the bills and taxes and balancing the check books... that's a gravy train? Really? No. If this were a real post she'd be entitled to alimony because all the work she did behind the scenes allowed him to excel at his office.

With all the valuable experience, she can get a job paying more than $16,000 a year. My cleaning lady makes $150 for 4 hours of work at my house. I do taxes for her and last year she made $53,000 cleaning houses.

[Anonymous]

lol -that someone listed "kin-keeping".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:lol -that someone listed "kin-keeping".

Show me the DH who remembers his own parents' anniversary or gets a birthday present for his sister and you can laugh. It is a shit ton to keep track of, and essential for a happy family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:lol -that someone listed "kin-keeping".

Show me the DH who remembers his own parents' anniversary or gets a birthday present for his sister and you can laugh. It is a shit ton to keep track of, and essential for a happy family.

This is why there are electronic calendars.

Of course those still balancing chequebooks may not know that...

(I'm a DW, WOH, and even I can keep track of birthdays, anniversaries, what third cousins twice removed are getting puppies AND if we're out of milk). Technology is wonderful)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A base admin assistant job is $30k/year.

I think OP must be working extremely part time, it's not difficult for someone even minimally educate (some college and work experience) to earn way more than that

But the reality is that she is in her '50s and was out of work for many years. There are very few jobs out there for SAHMs re-entering the work force, and there are very few companies that happily hire people in their 50s. Two strikes.

False.
We just hired a woman who was home for 15 years for our admin assistant because she was so open, warm and eager in the interview (even a bit funny!) and we thought she would be perfect for our front desk. Plus we liked her and that is really why we hire people that run our front end. If we like them we assume our patients will too. She needs to do basic computer and scheduling things and be nice to our patients.
That's its. $35k/ year and full benefits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:lol -that someone listed "kin-keeping".

Show me the DH who remembers his own parents' anniversary or gets a birthday present for his sister and you can laugh. It is a shit ton to keep track of, and essential for a happy family.

My husband does. I have no idea when his mom's birthday is, other than October. He's always done that. And I keep track of my side of the family. I'd be concerned if a man DIDN'T know (or care enough) to honor the birthdays of his immediate family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mid 50s, married 25 years. One child who will be graduating from HS this year. I was a SAHM and in the last few years earned about $16K as a teaching assistant. I never finished my degree. DH told me that with our child graduating, he is "done" with me earning what I earn. He said that enough is enough with carrying the financial load and if I do not move to something that pays more, he is selling the house and leaving.

Not sure if he can legally do that but I am worried. I knew he was frustrated, especially as his career has not gone as well as he had dreamed, but not to the point of logistically thinking of leaving. But what in the world can I do that is going to pay more? Not crazy about spending more time in the workplace but if I do not do something, I am going to have to anyway.

If my H did that I would show him the door fast than he could say I am sorry. What is your marriage, a business arrangement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:lol -that someone listed "kin-keeping".

Show me the DH who remembers his own parents' anniversary or gets a birthday present for his sister and you can laugh. It is a shit ton to keep track of, and essential for a happy family.

My husband does. I have no idea when his mom's birthday is, other than October. He's always done that. And I keep track of my side of the family. I'd be concerned if a man DIDN'T know (or care enough) to honor the birthdays of his immediate family.

I've let my DH fail or succeed at doing gifts / cards for his parents birthdays/christmas/anniversary. If they don't get anything, I don't worry. But the reason he does it is because I initially said, what are you getting your parents for Christmas, putting it in his hands. So birthdays, he calls. But may not get the anything. Which is fine. But neices and nephews on his side I do, because otherwise, they wouldn't get anything for birthdays/Christmas from us, because my DH has never ever initiated that sort of gift giving. He doesn't even buy our own kids birthday gifts. And Mothers Day/ Father's day I take care of as well, because he's not going to, and like the neices/nephews, it is a fairness thing. Might as well.

But if he doesn't? I don't care. It is a reflection on him, not me. DH couldn't remember my birthday for years. Who cares. I just remind him and he eventually learned it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:lol -that someone listed "kin-keeping".

Show me the DH who remembers his own parents' anniversary or gets a birthday present for his sister and you can laugh. It is a shit ton to keep track of, and essential for a happy family.

I handle sending out birthday/anniversary cards to family, am adding my cousins' kids for 2016 as well as random spouses my mom/MIL didn't have.

I sent cards for both my parents and my in-laws anniversary.

I work, my wife SAH. It's a Google doc with everyone's birthdays/anniversaries and addresses on it, at the very end of the month, I send out the cards for the next month.

[Anonymous]

I'll say OP's complaint about "I don't look forward to going to work every day" didn't help her cause any, making her look like a SAH stereotype. Also -- OP's not finishing her degree seems weird, like she has a lack of stick-to-it drive.

As to OP's divorce:
1) Her DH was fine with her SAH while the kid was younger and was also fine with her taking on a low-paying job that allowed for maximum school flexibility + flexibility with his job. This is factored during alimony decisions, along with what the wife's been up to, age, etc. OP isn't a 35-year-old college-educated woman that's been SAH for 3-4 years and has 30 or so potential working years ahead of her.

2) I find it difficult to see why OP wouldn't get half the assets in a divorce.

3) OP has nothing to lose, really, she can drag this out and get *really* vicious. Her DH making threats like that won't help his cause at all, and a mid-50s woman who's SAH/worked low end jobs for years and whose husband is filing for divorce is a prime candidate for the sort of sob story that leads to lifetime alimony (or at least until she goes on Social Security).

4) PP who said the husband was just waiting it out until the kid was spot on. Now whether this was so DH "could find himself" or because DH decided several years ago that OP was barely competent as a SAH (justified or unjustified), I don't know. (An example of justified concern would be if OP had the ability level of Cancer Guy's wife.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While he phrased it as an ass - assuming you have only the one kid and you've been working not at all / recently part time....i can see why he wants it to be clear that with the kid out of the house you don't get to "retire"/ take it easy if he has to feel going full force for another decade or two. when kids are out of the house its time to revisit divisions of labor

+1000, I am a DW and I don't understand all of these people saying your husband is an ass! I think it makes perfect sense that you would need to step up and try and find a better paying job now that your one child has flown the nest, etc. Do you expect to just be sitting at home or working a few hours a week while he works another decade plus? He has probably worked his ass off for the last 18 years so you could have a flexible existence to raise your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A base admin assistant job is $30k/year.

I think OP must be working extremely part time, it's not difficult for someone even minimally educate (some college and work experience) to earn way more than that

But the reality is that she is in her '50s and was out of work for many years. There are very few jobs out there for SAHMs re-entering the work force, and there are very few companies that happily hire people in their 50s. Two strikes.

False.
We just hired a woman who was home for 15 years for our admin assistant because she was so open, warm and eager in the interview (even a bit funny!) and we thought she would be perfect for our front desk. Plus we liked her and that is really why we hire people that run our front end. If we like them we assume our patients will too. She needs to do basic computer and scheduling things and be nice to our patients.
That's its. $35k/ year and full benefits.

I said "very few." That is not the same as zero. You (and since you use "we" I must assume that you are a very small office) are the exception.

[Anonymous]

Is your dh stressed about paying college tuition for your DC? Could you get a job at a university that will pay your dc's tuition?

[Anonymous]

For those complaining about not remembering dates, just do what my folks do. Get a huge marker calendar, hang it in the kitchen (or elsewhere) and put down the anniversary, birthdays, doctor appointments, etc.

Something like this: http://www.staples.com/2016-AT-A-GLANCE-Vertical-Horizontal-Erasable-Wall-Calendar-32-x-48-Red-White-PM326-28-/product_1032540