Backlash from family and friends

[Anonymous]

I always extol the virtues of our local public option, and the truth is, I would be fine sending our kids to it, but the older child had some issues when they were younger that the independent school was able to help mitigate. Once in, it was more convenient to have both kids in the same school/schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have not announced that we are applying to the independent schools for our DC. People ask. However, the reaction we've gotten ranges from shock to anger. Why can't your child just go to the local public school? Why do you want to pay so much money? Your child's friends will be snobs. This is what we've gotten.

It's so disrespectful, we think. Why do other parents care? It's our choice. We're running into people who are so pro-DCPS that they put down anyone who seeks an independent school education. We didn't expect this especially from family and close friends. These are not strangers.

I'm going to step out on a limb here and guess you are AA/Black, right? Before someone jump in their feelings I say that because as an AA/Black myself I found this sentiment to be more prevalent in our community. It's beyond annoying and I can only chalk it up to that "you must think you are too good for the school the rest of us go to" mentality. Ignore it as best as possible and when your DC starts at their IS you will find a large community of other people who support your choice to spend time with. I know plenty of kids who are graduated of IS and they are far from snobs, so I definitely wouldn't worry about that. Snobbery starts at home. If you aren't a snob chances are your DC won't become one either.

It's interesting to see that a poster would say that, for AA/Black families choosing private, there may be backlash. We are white and now upper middle class, but both DH and I grew up very much lower middle class. Our parents think we are "fancy pants" for sending our 2 kids to private. They genuinely think we are forgetting our roots and being snobbish. I wish they weren't so critical of our decision. I think that they don't realize we are upper middle class because we live so modestly (because we are paying tuition!) Maybe they genuinely think it's a waste of our money and that we are short on money. DH and I pay tuition for 2 kids (albeit barely) and therefore must live very frugally. (Luckily, because we grew up LMC, we weren't accustomed to having nice cars or a beautifully decorated home.)

I found this thread which addresses feeling guilty for sending our child to private, and I found it somewhat helpful.
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/495406.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have not announced that we are applying to the independent schools for our DC. People ask. However, the reaction we've gotten ranges from shock to anger. Why can't your child just go to the local public school? Why do you want to pay so much money? Your child's friends will be snobs. This is what we've gotten.

It's so disrespectful, we think. Why do other parents care? It's our choice. We're running into people who are so pro-DCPS that they put down anyone who seeks an independent school education. We didn't expect this especially from family and close friends. These are not strangers.

I'm going to step out on a limb here and guess you are AA/Black, right? Before someone jump in their feelings I say that because as an AA/Black myself I found this sentiment to be more prevalent in our community. It's beyond annoying and I can only chalk it up to that "you must think you are too good for the school the rest of us go to" mentality. Ignore it as best as possible and when your DC starts at their IS you will find a large community of other people who support your choice to spend time with. I know plenty of kids who are graduated of IS and they are far from snobs, so I definitely wouldn't worry about that. Snobbery starts at home. If you aren't a snob chances are your DC won't become one either.

It's interesting to see that a poster would say that, for AA/Black families choosing private, there may be backlash. We are white and now upper middle class, but both DH and I grew up very much lower middle class. Our parents think we are "fancy pants" for sending our 2 kids to private. They genuinely think we are forgetting our roots and being snobbish. I wish they weren't so critical of our decision. I think that they don't realize we are upper middle class because we live so modestly (because we are paying tuition!) Maybe they genuinely think it's a waste of our money and that we are short on money. DH and I pay tuition for 2 kids (albeit barely) and therefore must live very frugally. (Luckily, because we grew up LMC, we weren't accustomed to having nice cars or a beautifully decorated home.)

I found this thread which addresses feeling guilty for sending our child to private, and I found it somewhat helpful.
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/495406.page

The reasons you explain are the same reasons many AA/Black families (who grew up poor, LMC and even UPM) experience it. I wasn't suggesting that others who are not Black would not face it but that it's a very prevalent issue in the AA/Black community. That whole "you think you are better than the rest of us" is a real issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is my theory on the situation (well, my situation).

I live in a pretty affluent community in Montgomery County. Schools here are considered excellent. All my friends send their kids there. I truly believe the negative reaction from people is mostly their own regret or confusion about whether they are doing the right thing sending their kids to public, when they can EASILY afford to send their kids to a private school. It is a harder pill to swallow when you know very well you have the means to give your child the very best in education, but choose, instead to have nicer cars, vacations, diamond rings. Consequently, they lash out in anger or whatever emotional reaction you might observe.

Or maybe they don't think that "the very best in education" is necessarily a private school, and are reacting to your attitude that public school is inferior.

I know that most of my friends only wish they could make the sacrifices we are making...they just don't want to or have the guts to. It's ok. Their kids will be OK. But not as OK as mine.

This is the kind of statement that understandably leads some public school parents to become defensive about their own choices. There are many, many factors -- some of which parents have varying degrees of control over; some of which we don't --that determine whether or not a particular child will be "okay" ( &, as a PP pointed out, your definition of "okay" may be very different from somebody else's). Schools are just one piece of the puzzle & there is no school --public or private -- which is the best fit for every kid.

FWIW, I currently have a kid in public high school & one in private middle school. We made the choice that we felt was best for each individual kid --re-evaluating along the way & allowing them greater amounts of input as they got older --& will do the same for our preschooler & toddler when the time comes. I understand that financial resources, parents' opinions about education &, most importantly, children's needs vary greatly from family to family.As a result, many of our friends have made very different choices than we have when it comes to choosing their own kids' schools.This doesn't mean their choices are any better or worse than our own.

[Anonymous]

We got all that backlash too until DS got in, then it was DC must be very smart Ignore your friends' comments during this time, they are inevitably defending their own choices. Once all the kids are settled and happy wherever they are, all will be fine unless harsh words were said so minimize the conversations assuming the friends are more than situational. My other advice, we tried to keep up connections via retaining team sports and other ECs. This was at the younger ages. It just elongated the irritation and slowed down the integration into the new school. High school would be different because parents aren't as involved.

[Anonymous]

DC public school parents are very much into drinking the Kool-Aid. If you chose anything different than DCPS it is viewed as personal. As I have said before, my choice is not a rejection of your choice! I picked what works best for my kid.

[Anonymous]

I find there are many many more public school parents who are nasty about people who choose private than there are private school parents who are rude about those who go to public. Since you are doing what you want to do, what you know is the best choice for you, just ignor the naysayers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DC public school parents are very much into drinking the Kool-Aid. If you chose anything different than DCPS it is viewed as personal. As I have said before, my choice is not a rejection of your choice! I picked what works best for my kid.

I haven't found that to be true at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have not announced that we are applying to the independent schools for our DC. People ask. However, the reaction we've gotten ranges from shock to anger. Why can't your child just go to the local public school? Why do you want to pay so much money? Your child's friends will be snobs. This is what we've gotten.

It's so disrespectful, we think. Why do other parents care? It's our choice. We're running into people who are so pro-DCPS that they put down anyone who seeks an independent school education. We didn't expect this especially from family and close friends. These are not strangers.

Coming out is never easy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DC public school parents are very much into drinking the Kool-Aid. If you chose anything different than DCPS it is viewed as personal. As I have said before, my choice is not a rejection of your choice! I picked what works best for my kid.

I haven't found that to be true at all.

I have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DC public school parents are very much into drinking the Kool-Aid. If you chose anything different than DCPS it is viewed as personal. As I have said before, my choice is not a rejection of your choice! I picked what works best for my kid.

I haven't found that to be true at all.

I have.

Only people with inferiority complex react that way. PP on top was probably going to a mediocre school, and other parents felt judged when he left. No one would give a damn at the good schools.

[Anonymous]

I know a lot of Jewish people who think private school is a waste. They have this sanctimonious view about the publics. It's one thing if they can't afford it -- another if they just don't want to spend the money.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have not announced that we are applying to the independent schools for our DC. People ask. However, the reaction we've gotten ranges from shock to anger. Why can't your child just go to the local public school? Why do you want to pay so much money? Your child's friends will be snobs. This is what we've gotten.

It's so disrespectful, we think. Why do other parents care? It's our choice. We're running into people who are so pro-DCPS that they put down anyone who seeks an independent school education. We didn't expect this especially from family and close friends. These are not strangers.

I'm going to step out on a limb here and guess you are AA/Black, right? Before someone jump in their feelings I say that because as an AA/Black myself I found this sentiment to be more prevalent in our community. It's beyond annoying and I can only chalk it up to that "you must think you are too good for the school the rest of us go to" mentality. Ignore it as best as possible and when your DC starts at their IS you will find a large community of other people who support your choice to spend time with. I know plenty of kids who are graduated of IS and they are far from snobs, so I definitely wouldn't worry about that. Snobbery starts at home. If you aren't a snob chances are your DC won't become one either.

It's interesting to see that a poster would say that, for AA/Black families choosing private, there may be backlash. We are white and now upper middle class, but both DH and I grew up very much lower middle class. Our parents think we are "fancy pants" for sending our 2 kids to private. They genuinely think we are forgetting our roots and being snobbish. I wish they weren't so critical of our decision. I think that they don't realize we are upper middle class because we live so modestly (because we are paying tuition!) Maybe they genuinely think it's a waste of our money and that we are short on money. DH and I pay tuition for 2 kids (albeit barely) and therefore must live very frugally. (Luckily, because we grew up LMC, we weren't accustomed to having nice cars or a beautifully decorated home.)

I found this thread which addresses feeling guilty for sending our child to private, and I found it somewhat helpful.
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/495406.page

[Anonymous]

You can afford something they can't. It's bound to cause problems. However, you should just smile, nod, and keep it moving. Don't let it get to you and DON'T try and justify your choice. Your kid, your money, your choice. End of story.

[Anonymous]

We could probably have afforded it for our two kids, but luckily our public school and Walls have been a great fit for them both. That's over half a million bucks in tuition that we didn't have to spend--staggering. I feel very fortunate. And so do my friends (from the same neighborhood) who have sent their kids to private since PreK--I think they feel that spending that money was the right thing for their kids and they felt lucky to have found those schools. Their college outcomes have been no different than our friend's kids from public school (and some might argue the public school kids have been accepted into more selective colleges...) but so what--I don't think they have any regrets about the money they spent because at the time that was what felt right for them. We have no regrets because our kids have done great and our oldest is heading to a highly selective SLAC. The kids are all friends, and so are the parents.

[Anonymous]

When you have a great public school option then I think most would say it's worth considering the free school. Unfortunately, for a majority of us the DMV area we don't have great options (i.e., any county that not Arlington, Norhern Alexandria, McLean, Mont Co, Howard Co, Wilson, Walls, Banneker, McKinnley, Ellington, etc). Many of us are stuck in counties or zones with crappy options and we don't have the ability to just pick and move to the better counties).