Backlash from family and friends

[Anonymous]

I work in the criminal justice system. Whenever anyone gets too strident for my liking, I just mention a few of the crimes committed by court involved students from the local public that I know about. I usually follow up with, "I can see from the look on your face that you had no idea about these issues. I am certainly not saying that private school kids are angels, but behavioral issues do stand out for all to see and to act upon. The same can't be said of public schools." Works like a charm, but I only do that if another parent is being a real jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand both sides of the situation. On the one hand op... you ARE making a judgment about the quality of the public school. You have to own that. On the other hand, everyone gets to decide what they want for their own kids... some are willing to pay extra for education and some are not. Both are o.k. choices.

I understand your situation b/c we are making plans to sell our house and move to a different public school zone. Obviously, when we announce the move/plans, people will realize that we think the local school isn't good enough ... while they are still planning to send their kids there (some wish they weren't and some think it's just fine). Sometimes people ask about your decision b/c they wonder what you know that they don't (about the local public ... I've asked people that before when I heard they were moving to private). Sometimes, like you experienced, they just think you are crazy and trying to waste your money.

All I can say is that when you are convinced what you are doing is the right thing -- i.e. the path that will allow you to sleep well at night -- then you just stay strong to that. As to what you say to other people... "we really love the curriculum/vibe/energy/etc. at ____ and we wanted to give it a try." Focus on what you like about the new plan rather than what's wrong with the public school. (For us, we are going to focus on saying we want to shorten the commute and try not to dwell on the school deficiencies where we are.)

You are only making a judgement about the quality of the local publics if you buy into the idea that any school is capable of meeting the needs of all potential students. Once you break out of that mindset, you are free to match child to school without guilt. I had one in public and now have one in private. Two of my siblings were in public only, myself and the others did a combo of public and private as needed.

Disagree. Even if you are focussing on matching one child with X public school... if you choose not to send your child there, even one child... you are making a judgement about the quality of that school. It is not meeting your standards. It's not surprising that other people would wonder what is wrong with that school that it doesn't meet your standards (even if your standards are child specific). OP IS saying that this school isn't good enough. I'm saying that my local zoned school isn't good enough for my kids. There is no "guilt" involved... but there is an assessment being made and one school is on the losing end of that assessment. Doesn't mean people should shun or judge you for making that assessment. You have to own your choice.

You can choose between two different five star restaurants in DC based on a desire for specific menu items one offers and everyone understands you aren't saying the other has a lower quality. It's just different. Different is awesome. Who wants cookie cutter schools (private or public)? My cousin attended Baltimore School for the Arts instead of my all-girls Catholic college prep school. I think we each got what we needed and that made each school "the best".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

And here I thought my friends thinking my spending money on private school was wasteful while they spend their money on the latest fashion trends and I can't remember the last time I went shopping for new clothes. LOL. When someone can afford a $45,000 diamond ring and has the nerves to think someone else's spending is wasteful, well that's just remarkable!

Yup, she could have sent one of her children to private school for one full year instead.

But can they afford 39 $45,000 diamond rings? (Assuming 3 children, going to private school for their entire schooling.)

lol That was my point.

[Anonymous]

Why are we being so whimpy about this? If you think the public school is your area sucks, isn't good enough or isn't what you are looking for then so be it. Like why care how someone else feels about that? I think the schools in my area suck big time. Most people don't. I've also come to accept that we all have different standards of what sucking is. Too often people say "well they are better than DC schools" or "they are better than PG schools" as if what makes a school district good is only being better than DC or PG county.

I'm at the point when people ask me my opinion I say I'm happy to tell you but I'm warning you that you might not like what I have to say. I'm not going to sugar coat it and I'm not going to apologize for it either. I then give them very specific examples of kids I know who recently graduated with honors from the local public school and is attending the local state college and their entire first year is remedial courses because they werent prepared for college level work. I refuse to sit by idly and watch that happen to my kids.

If someone chooses to think my assessment of the public schools is a reflection of them that's their problem, not mine.

[Anonymous]

My family justified our decision to go private as "the public schools are so bad, they had to go private". I said no, but somehow it made them feel better thinking this.

[Anonymous]

Guess I'm lucky that our zoned public is an incontrovertible disaster. Nobody questions our decision (although occasionally someone feels entitled to tell us to move).

[Anonymous]

The flaw that I see in this whole thread is the assumption that providing the "best" of everything for your child results in the best outcome - in these scenarios, that would be the happiest, most well-educated, most resilient, etc. child. In many instances, learning to overcome adversity, figure out how to do more with less, interact with people very different backgrounds than themselves may benefit some kids more than the "sure thing" of the top publics or privates. Eventually your kid has to run their own life.

Just food for thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The flaw that I see in this whole thread is the assumption that providing the "best" of everything for your child results in the best outcome - in these scenarios, that would be the happiest, most well-educated, most resilient, etc. child. In many instances, learning to overcome adversity, figure out how to do more with less, interact with people very different backgrounds than themselves may benefit some kids more than the "sure thing" of the top publics or privates. Eventually your kid has to run their own life.

Just food for thought.

True. I was one of those kids who had a horrible public education and ended up in a community college. Consequently it took me an additional 7 years of going to school at night after work to get my bachelor's degree while living in a tiny apartment in a crummy part of town. Yes, I overcame the adversity, but I would not wish that on anyone, especially my own children.

I intend to give my children every opportunity to succeed. If that means going to a private school that gives them a sense of community and pushes them to learn how to write and communicate with outstanding effectiveness, then that is what I will do. Even though the schools in my area are considered fine, they are not providing the special sorts of things they are getting from private that will help them to stand out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People react that way where we are in FCPS, too. I just figure they're insecure in their own choices.

I had that reaction and lost friends. Funny thing is some of those people ended up in private for all or part of high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The flaw that I see in this whole thread is the assumption that providing the "best" of everything for your child results in the best outcome - in these scenarios, that would be the happiest, most well-educated, most resilient, etc. child. In many instances, learning to overcome adversity, figure out how to do more with less, interact with people very different backgrounds than themselves may benefit some kids more than the "sure thing" of the top publics or privates. Eventually your kid has to run their own life.

Just food for thought.

True. I was one of those kids who had a horrible public education and ended up in a community college. Consequently it took me an additional 7 years of going to school at night after work to get my bachelor's degree while living in a tiny apartment in a crummy part of town. Yes, I overcame the adversity, but I would not wish that on anyone, especially my own children.

I intend to give my children every opportunity to succeed. If that means going to a private school that gives them a sense of community and pushes them to learn how to write and communicate with outstanding effectiveness, then that is what I will do. Even though the schools in my area are considered fine, they are not providing the special sorts of things they are getting from private that will help them to stand out.

+1 Very similar experience here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand both sides of the situation. On the one hand op... you ARE making a judgment about the quality of the public school. You have to own that. On the other hand, everyone gets to decide what they want for their own kids... some are willing to pay extra for education and some are not. Both are o.k. choices.

I understand your situation b/c we are making plans to sell our house and move to a different public school zone. Obviously, when we announce the move/plans, people will realize that we think the local school isn't good enough ... while they are still planning to send their kids there (some wish they weren't and some think it's just fine). Sometimes people ask about your decision b/c they wonder what you know that they don't (about the local public ... I've asked people that before when I heard they were moving to private). Sometimes, like you experienced, they just think you are crazy and trying to waste your money.

All I can say is that when you are convinced what you are doing is the right thing -- i.e. the path that will allow you to sleep well at night -- then you just stay strong to that. As to what you say to other people... "we really love the curriculum/vibe/energy/etc. at ____ and we wanted to give it a try." Focus on what you like about the new plan rather than what's wrong with the public school. (For us, we are going to focus on saying we want to shorten the commute and try not to dwell on the school deficiencies where we are.)

You are only making a judgement about the quality of the local publics if you buy into the idea that any school is capable of meeting the needs of all potential students. Once you break out of that mindset, you are free to match child to school without guilt. I had one in public and now have one in private. Two of my siblings were in public only, myself and the others did a combo of public and private as needed.

Disagree. Even if you are focussing on matching one child with X public school... if you choose not to send your child there, even one child... you are making a judgement about the quality of that school. It is not meeting your standards. It's not surprising that other people would wonder what is wrong with that school that it doesn't meet your standards (even if your standards are child specific). OP IS saying that this school isn't good enough. I'm saying that my local zoned school isn't good enough for my kids. There is no "guilt" involved... but there is an assessment being made and one school is on the losing end of that assessment. Doesn't mean people should shun or judge you for making that assessment. You have to own your choice.

Sorry, but that's just not right. Choosing a school isn't a negative judgment about the quality of the school you don't attend, any more than choosing a spouse is a negative judgment about everyone you don't marry. You are choosing the school/spouse that is right FOR YOU. This is no way makes a statement about what is right for anyone else, or about any notion of absolute/objective quality.

[Anonymous]

If X is free and Y costs $15000 or more each year (so at least $150,000 over a school lifetime and possibly twice that), and you choose Y, then either you are a fool OR you are making a rational judgment that Y is worth $150,000 more than X. You are making a judgment that Y is better than X (for your child, at least).

You can limit your judgment to "Y is better than X ... FOR MY CHILD" -- of course we are ALL referring to our own children as we make those judgments. There's nothing special about that limitation. You have a choice... you are choosing Y over X. Either you are rational b/c Y is better or you are irrational b/c they are equivalent or X is better.

The analogy to choosing a marriage partner doesn't hold b/c (a) you don't have to marry (whereas you do have to send your child to school), and (b) there isn't a financial cost to choosing one person over another, and (c) you are typically limited to one public school choice vs. private, but you are not limited to one spouse choice vs. one you have to pay for (unless you are looking for prostitutes).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The flaw that I see in this whole thread is the assumption that providing the "best" of everything for your child results in the best outcome - in these scenarios, that would be the happiest, most well-educated, most resilient, etc. child. In many instances, learning to overcome adversity, figure out how to do more with less, interact with people very different backgrounds than themselves may benefit some kids more than the "sure thing" of the top publics or privates. Eventually your kid has to run their own life.

Just food for thought.

Don't ALL functional families try to provide the "best" for their children? The best doesn't always mean the most expensive option, btw. My child attends a private school where it is not uncommon to see students dressed in their older siblings hand me down uniforms and outerwear. The parents pass kids' clothing to other families as well. We've become adept at using iron-on tape to replace names written in sharpie. The kids do seem very, very happy though. And I'm a public school teacher so I have plenty of kids to compare.

We live a pretty minimalist lifestyle in a small, urban apartment and happen to be racial and ethnic minorities. My child does more with less and interacts with people of different racial and ethnic backgrounds no matter what school she would attend. I don't have to sacrifice her education to accomplish that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If X is free and Y costs $15000 or more each year (so at least $150,000 over a school lifetime and possibly twice that), and you choose Y, then either you are a fool OR you are making a rational judgment that Y is worth $150,000 more than X. You are making a judgment that Y is better than X (for your child, at least).

You can limit your judgment to "Y is better than X ... FOR MY CHILD" -- of course we are ALL referring to our own children as we make those judgments. There's nothing special about that limitation. You have a choice... you are choosing Y over X. Either you are rational b/c Y is better or you are irrational b/c they are equivalent or X is better.

The analogy to choosing a marriage partner doesn't hold b/c (a) you don't have to marry (whereas you do have to send your child to school), and (b) there isn't a financial cost to choosing one person over another, and (c) you are typically limited to one public school choice vs. private, but you are not limited to one spouse choice vs. one you have to pay for (unless you are looking for prostitutes).

You could home school and many people do. Unfortunately, they get hate from both the public school and private school families.

[Anonymous]

I have friends who choose private school, I have friends at public schools. There are superior, elitist, self-righteous, sanctimonious beetches - who pretend to always know what is best for themselves and everyone else- at both types of schools.

we all choose our kid's school to some extent, either by buying in a certain area or choosing a school with a philosophy that appeals to us or suits the child.

The fact is, if I think someone is one of the beetches I described above, I'm going to have a problem with any decision they make because they make it seem like they know all the answers and the choice I made is the wrong one. Sadly the majority of those people are private school people.