Feeling guilty about sending DS to private school

[Anonymous]

My DH and I both attended public schools, and we both feel happy with our educational experience. We both attended large state universities, followed by private law schools.

We now feel that our DS (age 11) should make the move from public to private school. We think it will be a better fit for him, and have thought it through and are comfortable with our decision. We know that there are advantages and disadvantages to sending your DC to a private school, and we feel that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages in our particular situation.

We live in what's considered a good cluster in MCPS, and most of our neighbors send their kids to public school. We like the parents and kids at the public school.

I find that the grandparents are making us feel guilty for deciding to send our DS to private school. My MIL (in a very subtle way) has made me feel like I'm a fancy pants for doing this. My SIL and BIL are both teachers in public schools (elsewhere in the country), and I get the sense that they feel a bit hurt by the decision. (The topic of the switch happened to come up -- I didn't proactively mention it.)

We probably will be at the lower end of the income scale at this school (HHI $300 with two full-time working parents). Even if we had more money, we like to be low key. We are hoping to find other low key parents.

Has anyone else encountered feelings of guilt, and felt a need to apologize for the decision to send your DC to a private school? If so, did the feeling subside once you got settled in at the school?

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

You can afford it, why not? My parents are annoyed at us for staying private this year for K, but my child needs a little extra help and support he will not get in public. We were at the school last year and planned to transition to public but he loves it there so we are staying. I just tell them we can afford it, its reasonably priced so why not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I both attended public schools, and we both feel happy with our educational experience. We both attended large state universities, followed by private law schools.

We now feel that our DS (age 11) should make the move from public to private school. We think it will be a better fit for him, and have thought it through and are comfortable with our decision. We know that there are advantages and disadvantages to sending your DC to a private school, and we feel that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages in our particular situation.

We live in what's considered a good cluster in MCPS, and most of our neighbors send their kids to public school. We like the parents and kids at the public school.

I find that the grandparents are making us feel guilty for deciding to send our DS to private school. My MIL (in a very subtle way) has made me feel like I'm a fancy pants for doing this. My SIL and BIL are both teachers in public schools (elsewhere in the country), and I get the sense that they feel a bit hurt by the decision. (The topic of the switch happened to come up -- I didn't proactively mention it.)

We probably will be at the lower end of the income scale at this school (HHI $300 with two full-time working parents). Even if we had more money, we like to be low key. We are hoping to find other low key parents.

Has anyone else encountered feelings of guilt, and felt a need to apologize for the decision to send your DC to a private school? If so, did the feeling subside once you got settled in at the school?

Thank you.

You will definitely find other low-key families, there are plenty of us. So don't worry about that.

In terms of guilt. Yes, we have feelings of guilt about sending one to private and the other to public. Very complicated.

But ultimately, your kid, your choice. Its not for your relatives to start throwing their weight around and making you feel bad. They should be finding out about the new school and enthusiastically supporting you and your son. So I do think you should either tell them this or shrug off their reactions. Its not a reflection on any of them, even the teacher relatives. That's just silly.

[Anonymous]

If, as you say, are comfortable with your decision and it is the best fit for your child then you have nothing to feel guilty for.

There are enough things to fret over in life, this isn't one of them.

[Anonymous]

Eh, your kid, your decision, anyone else who doesn't like it can talk to the hand.

They're just jealous anyway.

[Anonymous]

Public school teacher here. My ex is a public school teacher. Our kid goes to private on scholarship. No guilt. Maybe if MCPS paid me enough to buy a house in a better pyramid.

[Anonymous]

My Mom (now retired) was a public school teacher when DD started in private. She went from skeptical to quite supportive after she visited the school (once DD was attending). I think she was expecting a lot of flash rather than kids in jeans and t-shirts, small class sizes, and the kind of teachers she would have considered great colleagues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We know that there are advantages and disadvantages to sending your DC to a private school, and we feel that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages in our particular situation.

If this is your assessment, then you have no reason to feel any guilt. If others try to induce guilt in you, that's their damage, not yours.

[Anonymous]

"Grandma, Timmy's best interests are the most important thing to us. Please don't take it personally that we are putting his needs before your feelings. We just want the most supportive environment for him and we're lucky to have so many options."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We know that there are advantages and disadvantages to sending your DC to a private school, and we feel that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages in our particular situation.

If this is your assessment, then you have no reason to feel any guilt. If others try to induce guilt in you, that's their damage, not yours.

Exactly. You're an adult OP no one can "make" you feel guilty. You've made an informed decision. Don't be so weak willed.

[Anonymous]

For God's sake -- you have terrible relatives. In my family the American Dream is sending your kids to private schools and to have a better experience than the forefathers had. Tell them to MYOB! Such crap.

[Anonymous]

Your only loyalties are (or should be) to your kid and his well being. I can't imagine any public school being better than one of the better DC privates -- so if you got in and you can afford it, be happy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Public school teacher here. My ex is a public school teacher. Our kid goes to private on scholarship. No guilt. Maybe if MCPS paid me enough to buy a house in a better pyramid.

Another public school teacher with kids in private. Anyone judging you should get over it.

[Anonymous]

Your HHI won't be significantly lower than most, I don't think. We make over $100k less than you do, and we don't feel weird about it. My DH's aunt was a life-long public school teacher and trainer in the NEA, and after she saw the education my son was getting she became an enthusiastic supporter.

[Anonymous]

NP here. My DH is the son of two public school teachers so it was a difficult road to even consider something other than public school. My mom is also a public school teacher but started teaching once I was out of college. While I do feel a little guilty, it was more that I have school choice in that I can pay for another option when the local school wasn't working well for one of my children. I recognize that not everyone has this option and if anything happens with my job, we wouldn't have the option ourselves.

The interesting thing is I remember a co-worker that sent their kids to Catholic school while living in one of the best school districts and I thought to myself how they were sheltering their kids from "the real world". I never ever said anything thank goodness.. Now here I am with my kids in Catholic school. Funny how life works. So anyway, I don't get caught up in saying any school is better or worse. Like you said, you've thought about the pro/cons, it is child specific, not a judgement about the school, and you can always revisit the decision. Don't apologize or approach it as something that needs apology. You are doing what you think is right for your child and you are the one that lives with the consequences of that decision good or bad. At the end up the day we all want our kids to be happy, self-supporting adults that can maintain good relationships with friends, family, and significant other and hopefully is someone you would describe as a good person that you would genuinely like if you weren't related to him. If you feel a certain school, activity, or setting could be a game changer for your child, why feel guilty about that?