Deciding to have an only child b/c of infertility

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My husband wants a second very badly. We are still trying naturally (though it has been 10 months and no pregnancy). We will continue to try naturally. He wants me to go through IVF despite hearing the less than 5% success rate. I don't think I'm willing to go through all that for such a low success rate. DH and I both want a second child. We may eventually do donor egg but I'm not there yet emotionally.

When we talk about being one and done, DH always points to my lonely childhood experience being an only/disliking it now, and says that he doesn't want our daughter to have a similar experience. He points out the similarities in having no local family/grandparents far away/no real friends here and feels that our DD needs a sibling because of our situation. I feel the same way, and it's hard to come to terms with having just one due to infertility.

Then he needs to get over his fear of adoption. Just because his family had an issue does not mean YOU will. Every situation is unique and most infant adoptions work out great. There are non-committal info sessions that could help facilitate research and dialogue about this.

I ran out of eggs at age 34, just a year after I had easily conceived and given birth to my daughter. After five years of slowly coming to terms with the crappy hand we had been dealt, DH finally got on board with adoption. We wound up adopting an older child from eastern Europe and it was the best thing we ever did.

Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

OP I haven't read all of the comments but I'm in a similar situation. We found out a few weeks ago that we cannot have a second. I read the book One and Only mentioned above and I suggest you read it. It may sound crazy but you may want to move closer to DC or into the city. The area where I live has tons of playgroups etc. so my daughter is always around other kids. Also, houses in my neighborhood are close together so all of my neighbors know my daughter and we visit them, etc. all the time. I think this really helps. I cannot imagine being in a far out suburb with an only child, I think it would be very difficult. I also think you need to be careful about projecting your difficult childhood onto your child and also making more of the sibling relationship than it often is. Hugs to you, I know how hard it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I haven't read all of the comments but I'm in a similar situation. We found out a few weeks ago that we cannot have a second. I read the book One and Only mentioned above and I suggest you read it. It may sound crazy but you may want to move closer to DC or into the city. The area where I live has tons of playgroups etc. so my daughter is always around other kids. Also, houses in my neighborhood are close together so all of my neighbors know my daughter and we visit them, etc. all the time. I think this really helps. I cannot imagine being in a far out suburb with an only child, I think it would be very difficult. I also think you need to be careful about projecting your difficult childhood onto your child and also making more of the sibling relationship than it often is. Hugs to you, I know how hard it is.

OP here. Thanks for your suggestions. First I just want to mention that I see a therapist who specializes in infertility, so that has been very helpful.

Second, regarding living in a far out suburb, yes, we did choose poorly when we chose our neighborhood. However, we moved into our house in the distant burbs well before we even talked about starting to TTC. We've been here 8 years already and DH says he refuses to move b/c we've put $150,000 into the house already in renovations. So I think we're staying here for at least 10 more years. It's not ideal but we love the house and our area, even though we dislike the neighborhood a lot.

But it is hard being so far out--we live in a non walkable area, we do not know any of our neighbors (pretty much all empty nesters/with high school kids), and there is not much out here for kids--my closest playground is a 15 minute drive, etc. I have not found any local playgroups (but we did join one 15 minutes away).

We are currently in a Mommy and Me class at a preschool, and we are the only only child family in our class. This has made it harder to bond with the other families--they are not interested in doing playdates I guess b/c they're bust with their 2-3 kids. I was hoping to find community at preschool but it hasn't happened yet, and we will switch preschools for next year.

Re: my eggs, I just took another pregnancy test, another month of a BFN. So depressing. I plan to start acupuncture next month and see if that helps any. I will get another set of bloodwork done next cycle. I do feel down about my eggs. My blood test results combined with my experience of TTC for 10 months with no BFP makes me feel like they're all bad at this point. I am still ovulating though according to Clearblue and I get regular periods, so no issues there. Only issue that I know of is egg quality.

[Anonymous]

So sorry, OP. It can be so tough to work through these issues. Best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

Good idea to keep looking for more options - different school, different classes, etc. I'm sure there are plenty more families looking for friends too! It's just a matter of finding them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I haven't read all of the comments but I'm in a similar situation. We found out a few weeks ago that we cannot have a second. I read the book One and Only mentioned above and I suggest you read it. It may sound crazy but you may want to move closer to DC or into the city. The area where I live has tons of playgroups etc. so my daughter is always around other kids. Also, houses in my neighborhood are close together so all of my neighbors know my daughter and we visit them, etc. all the time. I think this really helps. I cannot imagine being in a far out suburb with an only child, I think it would be very difficult. I also think you need to be careful about projecting your difficult childhood onto your child and also making more of the sibling relationship than it often is. Hugs to you, I know how hard it is.

OP here. Thanks for your suggestions. First I just want to mention that I see a therapist who specializes in infertility, so that has been very helpful.

Second, regarding living in a far out suburb, yes, we did choose poorly when we chose our neighborhood. However, we moved into our house in the distant burbs well before we even talked about starting to TTC. We've been here 8 years already and DH says he refuses to move b/c we've put $150,000 into the house already in renovations. So I think we're staying here for at least 10 more years. It's not ideal but we love the house and our area, even though we dislike the neighborhood a lot.

But it is hard being so far out--we live in a non walkable area, we do not know any of our neighbors (pretty much all empty nesters/with high school kids), and there is not much out here for kids--my closest playground is a 15 minute drive, etc. I have not found any local playgroups (but we did join one 15 minutes away).

We are currently in a Mommy and Me class at a preschool, and we are the only only child family in our class. This has made it harder to bond with the other families--they are not interested in doing playdates I guess b/c they're bust with their 2-3 kids. I was hoping to find community at preschool but it hasn't happened yet, and we will switch preschools for next year.

Re: my eggs, I just took another pregnancy test, another month of a BFN. So depressing. I plan to start acupuncture next month and see if that helps any. I will get another set of bloodwork done next cycle. I do feel down about my eggs. My blood test results combined with my experience of TTC for 10 months with no BFP makes me feel like they're all bad at this point. I am still ovulating though according to Clearblue and I get regular periods, so no issues there. Only issue that I know of is egg quality.

I see a pattern of your husband "refusing" to do things. It may be that it makes sense to stay where you are, but this should be something you decide together. It may be that adoption isn't a good option for your family, but this should be something you decide together. It may be that tweaking some things about your lifestyle now could make it easier for you to meet other families and make some new connections, but this stuff has to be on the table.

[Anonymous]

If you haven't already try:
JW Tumbles
Music Together
Frying Pan Park has some cute classes & a preschool too!

Invite people to your house to playdate, welcoming siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So sorry, OP. It can be so tough to work through these issues. Best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

Good idea to keep looking for more options - different school, different classes, etc. I'm sure there are plenty more families looking for friends too! It's just a matter of finding them.

I was going to write the same thing.

What was the site that allowed people to start social groups? I vaguely remember looking at some mom groups in my area, but I can't remember the website. Parents with siblings want to have play dates for their kids too! Not everybody has twins and triplets, not everybody has minimal spacing between children. Plenty of families with toddlers and school kids who are not great company to each other and won't be for quite a while. Seek, and you shall find. Good luck, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please don't nag other parents for constant playdates - some people go to great lengths to have two kids so they have playmates. When you ask every single f'in day for a playdate with just one of them because your singleton is bored it gets REALLY annoying.

You are nasty. Not much more to say than that - just f'in say no, thank you. Your kids are so unlucky to have a shrew like you for a mom.

OP, however fervently you choose to pursue the second, please don't turn into someone like the first PP.

The reason to have another child so that the first has a playmate always struck me as odd. I wonder what PP says to her younger child when her friend wants to have a play date? No, you can't go to your friend's house. Tough luck, I gave birth to you so that you entertain your older brother.

When young, siblings fight and constantly experience some form of rivalry. My neighbor has three boys, 1.5-2 years apart. They never play together. They have family time in the backyard, but unless a parent is there, the boys would much rather hang out with peers. My BFF has three girls. OMG, I literally can't be in her house when her kids are there. The constant fighting is exhausting. When my other friend hit puberty, she'd much rather hang out with boyfriends than had her 7, 9, and 11 year old siblings in tow.

Anyway, if you want a second for the sake of your first, don't bother. It's a crap shoot, and your chances for disappointment at their less than Hallmark relationship are great. Work towards a second if you really want one. It's perfectly fine to want more of mini yous running around, a bigger family, and all that. But it's totally fucked to bring a new life into the world so that your child may have a playmate. Someday. If they're lucky. It's not like you need a bone marrow donor or something.

We didn't have a second child only to provide our first with a playmate, but it's certainly a big perk for us. We do MANY playdates with singletons. Many. And also happily send off just one child at a time for play dates with other children.

But when you have a friend with a singleton who calls you the minute that child gets bored. Every single day. Just to send over one of our children (leaving our own child "bored"), then it gets old. If you want a constant companion for your kid at least be willing to take siblings some of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry, OP. It can be so tough to work through these issues. Best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

Good idea to keep looking for more options - different school, different classes, etc. I'm sure there are plenty more families looking for friends too! It's just a matter of finding them.

I was going to write the same thing.

What was the site that allowed people to start social groups? I vaguely remember looking at some mom groups in my area, but I can't remember the website. Parents with siblings want to have play dates for their kids too! Not everybody has twins and triplets, not everybody has minimal spacing between children. Plenty of families with toddlers and school kids who are not great company to each other and won't be for quite a while. Seek, and you shall find. Good luck, OP!

Meetup?

[Anonymous]

OP sorry if you mentioned this already but did your RE discuss Clomid? I had low AMH and went on Clomid and made a bunch of eggs. Used Dr. Sacks at Columbia Fertility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I strongly suggest you get a second opinion from a different RE. 5% seems low given your age. There are ways to stimulate you. It may be worth trying once even though its very expensive. I got pregnant at 39 with similar numbers on my first IVF try. I have one child and am not doing IVF again but I understand your concerns about an only child. I have siblings and it saddens me that DC won't have any.

Well, the way your RE can estimate your chances of success is that they have thousands of patients in their database with their hormone readings and know what their outcomes were - that's how they can give you a % chance of success. I would believe it. They didn't give 0% so yes, there's still a chance, but if you really want to have a second child there are other ways to make that happen with a much higher chance of success. I would encourage you to think about donor egg, or also embryo adoption. There are a huge number of frozen embryos and parents who have completed their families, but very much want to make their embryos available to others. Undergoing a frozen embryo transfer (FET) is a far less expensive procedure than IVF ($3-5K; there may be additional legal charges related to adopting an embryo) and also has a higher rate of success than fresh IVF cycles. It's also way less expensive than adoption. Last, if you really want to have another child you can make that happen and I would encourage you to pursue that if that's what you really want. It sounds like you do. Best of luck to you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
One of the best parts of my motherhood has been providing a whole new experience for my children. I grew up in a two kid (B/G) household. My children are also a B/G set. The dynamic I set with them could not be more different than how I grew up with my sibling. I've established such a different tone between them!

Your DC may be an "only" but she doesn't have to share your experience of being lonely----not at all. Just as you would have put considerable energy into ensuring the relationship with a sibling would have been close and productive, you have the same opportunity now with any only to create a rich, wonderful life experience!

I've had the chance to heal my own childhood mishagas through my Duo. Wishing you the same adventure with your one.

Having two is only the start of a life long project of bringing the two children together. Giving birth to two is absolutely NO guarantee that they will be friends or maintain any sort of healthy bond. That, my dear, is a daily exercise. Your DH's relationship with his sib should stand as evidence here.

Please don't feel bad that you aren't supplying DD with a sibling, if that's how things go. Her life is yours to build in so many other meaningful ways. Heal yourself through this experience. Parenthood means being able to provide whatever it is that you lacked. In your case sibling is just a placeholder for all the things you imagine go with it. Don't continue to hurt yourself by thinking a sibling is a cure-all.

OP here. Thank you for this very thought-provoking post! It has definitely given me a lot to think about!

I like the idea of providing the whole new experience for my DD than I had as a lonely only, but a big part of that would be providing her with extended family (grandparents, aunts and uncles) that are local (or at least visit a lot), and interested in a family bond. I feel that I missed out on a childhood of Sunday dinners at Grandmas, spending holidays with grandparents, having family at school events, etc. That made me feel very lonely as a child. The problem is, that's not possible for us. My parents live on the West Coast and we see them twice a year. They are interested though. My husband's parents live in the midwest, we see MIL twice a year and FIL has never met DD and said he has no interest. My husband's parents are disinterested in much of a relationship. And DH's brother and his wife are not a real aunt/uncle--they never ask about DD, never call, visit, etc. They call DH but just have no interest in a relationship with DD.

A big part of why I was a lonely only was that I also grew up with zero local family. I remember being super lonely on all the family holidays when it was just me and my parents. I don't want DD to feel the same way. I've tried to find other families to celebrate holidays and milestones with us (and that's what I mean about making family friends being very important to me), but so far it hasn't really worked out.

As a lonely only, I would have loved a more kid-friendly experience growing up. I didn't like eating at "fancy" restaurants with only my parents every weekend, the fact that my parents never really took me to kid-friendly places on the weekends (I stayed in and watched TV mostly while they did yardwork). I was really lonely on the weekends--it was hard to find other kids to play with since most of them were doing family things on weekends, so I was usually lonely on weekends (during the week I was fine because I had school, activities, etc.) And now trying to make friends with other moms, I find this same thing (hard to find people to do things with on the weekends because they're always crazy busy, usually with weekend family events).

I also didn't have a very good neighborhood growing up (and unfortunately we don't now either). We live out in Herndon, in a nice neighborhood with very large yards. There is nothing within walking distance, no local playgrounds, and the neighborhood we chose (pre-kid) unfortunately is not very family friendly (mostly empty nesters/no young families). I would be surprised if we ever make friends in this neighborhood (we haven't yet). DH refuses to move, saying that we already spent a lot on renovations on this house (we've lived here 8 years already).

I'm sure there are many ways that I can create a totally different (and much better) experience for DD than I had growing up as a very lonely only, but other aspects (no local family, neighborhood not kid-friendly, hard to meet up with friends on the weekends because they're doing their own thing, etc.) are things that my daughter and I will have in common, but maybe she will not feel lonely because of these aspects the way I did.

I haven't read every page here, but, I also grew up with no local family (except an ailing great aunt who passed away when i was 8) but with two other siblings. We are in our 30s now and we barely speak or hang out save for Xmas and maybe once during the summer. When DS was born it took me driving to my sisters 4 hrs away for her to meet him when he was 3 months old. I'm just trying to say that the grass is not always greener.

I really think you may need to speak to a family therapist about helping you get over some of the sadness you have with your parents. You are a different person than them, and can create different experiences for your child.

While my DS is becoming a big brother this year, for 2.5 yrs he's been an only and we've had so much fun with that and so has he. We have a group of friends with onlies (for now) and we get together once a month for our kids to play.

We have taken DS on international travel every year and given him fun experiences. We definitely focus on his happiness - as well as ours.

Do you happen to work? That may make a difference too. I think if you are at home thinking about your loneliness, you may be projecting that on your DD.

There's been a ton of great suggestions on here for how to go out and meet people -- you have the power to choose your own adventure!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please don't nag other parents for constant playdates - some people go to great lengths to have two kids so they have playmates. When you ask every single f'in day for a playdate with just one of them because your singleton is bored it gets REALLY annoying.

You are nasty. Not much more to say than that - just f'in say no, thank you. Your kids are so unlucky to have a shrew like you for a mom.

OP, however fervently you choose to pursue the second, please don't turn into someone like the first PP.

The reason to have another child so that the first has a playmate always struck me as odd. I wonder what PP says to her younger child when her friend wants to have a play date? No, you can't go to your friend's house. Tough luck, I gave birth to you so that you entertain your older brother.

When young, siblings fight and constantly experience some form of rivalry. My neighbor has three boys, 1.5-2 years apart. They never play together. They have family time in the backyard, but unless a parent is there, the boys would much rather hang out with peers. My BFF has three girls. OMG, I literally can't be in her house when her kids are there. The constant fighting is exhausting. When my other friend hit puberty, she'd much rather hang out with boyfriends than had her 7, 9, and 11 year old siblings in tow.

Anyway, if you want a second for the sake of your first, don't bother. It's a crap shoot, and your chances for disappointment at their less than Hallmark relationship are great. Work towards a second if you really want one. It's perfectly fine to want more of mini yous running around, a bigger family, and all that. But it's totally fucked to bring a new life into the world so that your child may have a playmate. Someday. If they're lucky. It's not like you need a bone marrow donor or something.

We didn't have a second child only to provide our first with a playmate, but it's certainly a big perk for us. We do MANY playdates with singletons. Many. And also happily send off just one child at a time for play dates with other children.

But when you have a friend with a singleton who calls you the minute that child gets bored. Every single day. Just to send over one of our children (leaving our own child "bored"), then it gets old. If you want a constant companion for your kid at least be willing to take siblings some of the time.

I'm the PP, and I don't disagree at all. I also don't think of play dates as a way out of boredom. If your child is bored, she somehow needs to get out and do other things more. It's up to you to figure out how. The bonus will be meeting even more kids.

[Anonymous]

OP, there seems to be a reason for all aspects of your current situation ("yes, but..."). Then accept it and try to find joy in your life. Maybe a therapist (not infertility but a regular one) could help, or antidepressants. It sounds like all you really need is commiseration. And maybe, just maybe, you get declined for playdates because of you, not because others are too busy. You're full of complaints and misery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I strongly suggest you get a second opinion from a different RE. 5% seems low given your age. There are ways to stimulate you. It may be worth trying once even though its very expensive. I got pregnant at 39 with similar numbers on my first IVF try. I have one child and am not doing IVF again but I understand your concerns about an only child. I have siblings and it saddens me that DC won't have any.

Well, the way your RE can estimate your chances of success is that they have thousands of patients in their database with their hormone readings and know what their outcomes were - that's how they can give you a % chance of success. I would believe it. They didn't give 0% so yes, there's still a chance, but if you really want to have a second child there are other ways to make that happen with a much higher chance of success. I would encourage you to think about donor egg, or also embryo adoption. There are a huge number of frozen embryos and parents who have completed their families, but very much want to make their embryos available to others. Undergoing a frozen embryo transfer (FET) is a far less expensive procedure than IVF ($3-5K; there may be additional legal charges related to adopting an embryo) and also has a higher rate of success than fresh IVF cycles. It's also way less expensive than adoption. Last, if you really want to have another child you can make that happen and I would encourage you to pursue that if that's what you really want. It sounds like you do. Best of luck to you!

But to jump directly to DE at age 38 after 10 months TTC and just one blood test? Sounds premature.

OP - have you had an HSG or hysteroscopy yet? You could get pg just by clearing out the pipes.