Deciding to have an only child b/c of infertility

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, I'm an only too and I have to agree with a PP that maybe you should not project your only experience on your daughter. Like you, I was an only who didn't have any relatives nearby growing up. My parents didn't have many friends, and often it was just the three of us. But I've always been fine with being an only...the difference I see is that I made my friends...my parents didn't have anything to do with my making friends. I spent time at friends houses, I was in Girl Scouts, joined sports teams even though I was horribly un-athletic. So in moving forward, maybe encourage your daughter to make friends, do things with them, join groups and activities she enjoys. She can build a set of relationships organically. Maybe address the issue of you making friends separately...while it's nice to have friends with kids near in age, I don't really subscribe to the idea of making adult friends through your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes these doctors pull statistics out of the air. I wonder how he came up with 5% when you gave birth less than 2 years ago.
How old are you?

Seriously. How do they calculate this stuff. I was told 3%. After 18 months of trying naturally, a SG doctor told me I had 3% chance of conceiving naturally. I went through a ton of diagnostic tests and they told me my infertility could not be explained. I did do two rounds of IVF and got my first child. But my second child was conceived after three times of unprotected s*x on a day I didn't think I was ovulating. The body is mysterious. Don't lose hope yet.

[Anonymous]

It seems like you are mixing a few things up with infertility/having one child. You say you live far out, haven't made mom friends as quickly, etc. Those are really other factors that have nothing to do with having one child - it takes time to meet people and moms and make good friends - I have 2 kids and don't have a ton of mom friends and most of them I had before having babies anyway.

I'm sorry things aren't turning out the way you planned (truly, no snark intended) but try not to lump everything together and make real problems worse. It really does sound amazing that you conceived so easily last time with your fertility issues - I know it sounds cheesy but it does help to focus on what you are grateful for etc. It doesn't mean you can't feel bad about not being able to have more kids, but be careful not to spend you life focused on what you don't have!

[Anonymous]

OP, I realize there is a lot going on through your head. But try to separate your own frustration from fears for DD. I know how much it sucks, when the choice is pretty much made for you. It is what it is. No reason the children we have should suffer because of this.

I think you tend to idealize siblings and extended family, because it was not your experience. My mother has three living siblings. They call each other on birthdays. It's not a big deal if they don't. My mom wanted to call my aunt this past weekend, but it didn't work out because of the huge time difference, so she forgot about it. My dad has living sister and brother. His brother is completely estranged from the family. (Yes, drama. Most families have more drama than you can or would want to handle!) His sister is fine, but again... they don't even call on birthdays, for all I know. Occasionally, news about their sibs get to my parents, so we technically know who's still alive or who had a grandchild, or something big like that. But there are no relationships to speak of. Mind it, all these people are perfectly nice, well-educated, doing pretty well in life, no mental issues etc etc. Just not what you think a family should be, right?

DH has not spoken to his sister for ages. For no particular reason. They are children of the divorce, so once they graduated high school, they moved in different directions. After we got married, I practically made DH reestablish relationships he had with what's left of his family. Granted, there are only a couple of cousins and one uncle left. Again, these relationships are very very superficial (although I do think they are important).

So, don't idealize families too much. You want to hear a real story? Stop by the family relationship board, you'll get an earful. None of it takes away from the pain of not having your dream family, but as I mentioned above, you need to try to separate the two. Your only DD will be just fine, not worse, maybe better off than many kids out there. Don't lay any more guilt on yourself, this thing is bad enough on its own.

Hang in there, and good luck!

[Anonymous]

Don't lose hope yet in trying to have a second. My best friend had her DD at 32 and was trying for 7 years to have a second. She was told at age 34 that she would never have another child for a variety of issues. She actually did 2 rounds of IVF at age 35 which both failed, so she was done. She is now 6 months pregnant with her second at 39. Sure, it's not the way she planned things in terms of the sibling gap or her age, but nonetheless she is thrilled to be having another child. This may not happen in your case but if you really truly want a second child then keep trying. I know how hard IVF can be - but if it won't bankrupt you, maybe it's worth a couple tries?

In terms of having an only. My DD is 5 and we are not planning to have another. DH and I both come from larger families and for us, we just want one. We don't have family close by either, but work extra hard to have a close knit circle of friends for ourselves and DD. I would say things changed a lot this year when DD started K because kids can do drop off play dates and it's not all about getting together with the entire family - which is more challenging when you have multiple kids. Most of DD's friends have siblings but it doesn't seem to be an issue.

I think being is only is what you make of it for your DD - you know what it was like to feel lonely, so you have the power to make sure she doesn't feel the same.

I second the idea of signing your DD up for girl scouts - I did it as a kid and that's where I made most of my childhood friends.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes these doctors pull statistics out of the air. I wonder how he came up with 5% when you gave birth less than 2 years ago.
How old are you?

Seriously. How do they calculate this stuff. I was told 3%. After 18 months of trying naturally, a SG doctor told me I had 3% chance of conceiving naturally. I went through a ton of diagnostic tests and they told me my infertility could not be explained. I did do two rounds of IVF and got my first child. But my second child was conceived after three times of unprotected s*x on a day I didn't think I was ovulating. The body is mysterious. Don't lose hope yet.

1+. I think perhaps you should see a new RE. There is a lot that can be done short of IVF if that seems too invasive. Clomid (i.e. just taking something to stimulate more egg production), IUIs, etc. This treatments will be hampered by low ovarian reserve but as PPs have said the body doesn't really work according to statistics. I wouldn't usually push it but you have expressed a strong desire to have a second, so it may be worth taking a closer look if infertility is the main issue holding you back.

[Anonymous]

OP I strongly suggest you get a second opinion from a different RE. 5% seems low given your age. There are ways to stimulate you. It may be worth trying once even though its very expensive. I got pregnant at 39 with similar numbers on my first IVF try. I have one child and am not doing IVF again but I understand your concerns about an only child. I have siblings and it saddens me that DC won't have any.

[Anonymous]

Being an only does not have to be lonely. I am an only and I had a great childhood. My parents enrolled me in every activity or sport I was interested in and I developed great friendships. Now that I'm an adult I have a great relationship with my parents. They have planned well for their retirement and long term care so I am not worried about taking care of aging parents on my own. Honestly it seems simpler since I don't have siblings to fight with as some of my friends have experienced. I always though I wanted to have 2 kids but after having one I feel very content. My family feels natural to me because it mirrors the family I grew up in and we have a blast together. As a parent of an only I realize you have to put a little more effort in sometimes. My DH and I take a more active role in helping our DD make friends or get interested in activities and we take more time to play with her during our downtime since she doesn't have a built in playmate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My husband wants a second very badly. We are still trying naturally (though it has been 10 months and no pregnancy). We will continue to try naturally. He wants me to go through IVF despite hearing the less than 5% success rate. I don't think I'm willing to go through all that for such a low success rate. DH and I both want a second child. We may eventually do donor egg but I'm not there yet emotionally.

When we talk about being one and done, DH always points to my lonely childhood experience being an only/disliking it now, and says that he doesn't want our daughter to have a similar experience. He points out the similarities in having no local family/grandparents far away/no real friends here and feels that our DD needs a sibling because of our situation. I feel the same way, and it's hard to come to terms with having just one due to infertility.

What is DH doing to help, rather than put pressure on you? What kinds of things will he do to pick up the slack when you are going through the hormone hell of IVF? Perhaps you two need to work through this, with all the options and see if you can't come to an agreement. This may help both of you.

How is the labor at home currently divided? Who does what now?

[Anonymous]

Well, my sister and I HATED each other growing up. We are as different as night and day, and we mix like oil and water. And guess what? We aren't that close now (surprise, surprise) although we are 22months apart. So given that "close age range" we "should" be closer. Like sharing clothes with each other, finishing each other's sentences close.

One thing my friends' parents did with their onlies was that when they went on vacation, they invited one friend to come along (their only child got to pick, obviously) - that way the 2 kids had each other like siblings would and took some of the pressure from the parents having to always dig the sand castles, play the game, etc. Of course, the inviting family pays for everything for the guest child.

My suggestion? Move to Takoma Park, MD. I work here but don't live here and man, these families really know each other! It's near DC so you can work there, it's on the red line, but it's suburban enough to have back yards, etc. And whether the parents have one or more, they are friendly, know each other, there is a downtown that has stores, lots of events at the gazebo in the center of town, etc. Seriously, move to Takoma Park and you'll have a big community.

And you will be the parent who invites kids over for playdates all the time, etc. - and that's great, becuase other parents will love that especially once the kids can go without the adults!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My husband wants a second very badly. We are still trying naturally (though it has been 10 months and no pregnancy). We will continue to try naturally. He wants me to go through IVF despite hearing the less than 5% success rate. I don't think I'm willing to go through all that for such a low success rate. DH and I both want a second child. We may eventually do donor egg but I'm not there yet emotionally.

When we talk about being one and done, DH always points to my lonely childhood experience being an only/disliking it now, and says that he doesn't want our daughter to have a similar experience. He points out the similarities in having no local family/grandparents far away/no real friends here and feels that our DD needs a sibling because of our situation. I feel the same way, and it's hard to come to terms with having just one due to infertility.

He doesn't get to say that. He just doesn't. As you say, you're the one who would go through IVF. His contribution is limited to a few minutes in a room with porn. It's your decision. If you don't want to do it, he just needs to accept that and move on.

-somebody who went through IVF

[Anonymous]

i am much older than my sibling so I was an only for a long time, but was much less lonely when my parents moved to a neighborhood that had a ton of kids my age. also - my kids have plenty of only friends and you can facilitate close friendships by scheduling lots of playdates. we also often invite only kids over for playdates with my 2 kids because it's much easier to have one child over then siblings. i think these days there are more onlies, so there's less of a loneliness factor than when we were growing up.

[Anonymous]

I would also agree with PP who suggested a 2nd opinion. 37 is still not terrible. If I were you, I would do that and see how it goes and I would definitely consider IVF if you can afford it. You just need a good egg to meet a good sperm and IVF can accomplish this.

Also, I would stay off of any type of birth control and keep tracking cycles and doing things that promote fertility (supplements, diet, exercise, etc - nothing crazy) -- you really never know what can happen. And get your thyroid checked if you haven't and make sure to get it treated if TSH is not between 1.0-2.0.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I strongly suggest you get a second opinion from a different RE. 5% seems low given your age. There are ways to stimulate you. It may be worth trying once even though its very expensive. I got pregnant at 39 with similar numbers on my first IVF try. I have one child and am not doing IVF again but I understand your concerns about an only child. I have siblings and it saddens me that DC won't have any.

+1

Get another opinion. Have you even tried an IUI at all? How did your body respond? That would be more telling than bloodwork.

And one thing that helped me navigate the IF process - which option would you regret more: trying IVF and getting BFN vs. not trying at all and give up chance of 2nd bio kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems like you are mixing a few things up with infertility/having one child. You say you live far out, haven't made mom friends as quickly, etc. Those are really other factors that have nothing to do with having one child - it takes time to meet people and moms and make good friends - I have 2 kids and don't have a ton of mom friends and most of them I had before having babies anyway.

I'm sorry things aren't turning out the way you planned (truly, no snark intended) but try not to lump everything together and make real problems worse. It really does sound amazing that you conceived so easily last time with your fertility issues - I know it sounds cheesy but it does help to focus on what you are grateful for etc. It doesn't mean you can't feel bad about not being able to have more kids, but be careful not to spend you life focused on what you don't have!

This. In some ways, having more kids can make it even harder to make friends, since you're busier and balancing more schedules. And frankly, living far out can make it harder. In the city, people spend more time hanging out at the neighborhood playground, things are walkable, etc. But none of those things have anything to do with having an only child.

I also agree with those who say not to project your lonely childhood on to your child--you say your parents didn't let you invite friends over for dinner, etc.--presumably, you won't make the same mistakes with your child.