Deciding to have an only child b/c of infertility

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please don't nag other parents for constant playdates - some people go to great lengths to have two kids so they have playmates. When you ask every single f'in day for a playdate with just one of them because your singleton is bored it gets REALLY annoying.

With your lovely personality, I am sure you are not getting that many calls PP. So don't worry about it.

NP. To the first PP, I have an only child but we rarely ask for playdates. My DC goes outside and plays with neighbor kids. It is not my concern that you went to "great lengths to have two kids so they have playmates." Having kids are not social engineering.

We would have loved to have a second child but it did not work out that way. We focus on the one child we do have instead of worrying about what it could have been. OP is lucky to have one than none.

+1. I have more than 1 through "great lengths," but still think it would be good for my oldest to have friends his own AGE. Guess I just shouldn't ever ask for playdates?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I haven't read all of the comments but I'm in a similar situation. We found out a few weeks ago that we cannot have a second. I read the book One and Only mentioned above and I suggest you read it. It may sound crazy but you may want to move closer to DC or into the city. The area where I live has tons of playgroups etc. so my daughter is always around other kids. Also, houses in my neighborhood are close together so all of my neighbors know my daughter and we visit them, etc. all the time. I think this really helps. I cannot imagine being in a far out suburb with an only child, I think it would be very difficult. I also think you need to be careful about projecting your difficult childhood onto your child and also making more of the sibling relationship than it often is. Hugs to you, I know how hard it is.

OP here. Thanks for your suggestions. First I just want to mention that I see a therapist who specializes in infertility, so that has been very helpful.

Second, regarding living in a far out suburb, yes, we did choose poorly when we chose our neighborhood. However, we moved into our house in the distant burbs well before we even talked about starting to TTC. We've been here 8 years already and DH says he refuses to move b/c we've put $150,000 into the house already in renovations. So I think we're staying here for at least 10 more years. It's not ideal but we love the house and our area, even though we dislike the neighborhood a lot.

But it is hard being so far out--we live in a non walkable area, we do not know any of our neighbors (pretty much all empty nesters/with high school kids), and there is not much out here for kids--my closest playground is a 15 minute drive, etc. I have not found any local playgroups (but we did join one 15 minutes away).

We are currently in a Mommy and Me class at a preschool, and we are the only only child family in our class. This has made it harder to bond with the other families--they are not interested in doing playdates I guess b/c they're bust with their 2-3 kids. I was hoping to find community at preschool but it hasn't happened yet, and we will switch preschools for next year.

Re: my eggs, I just took another pregnancy test, another month of a BFN. So depressing. I plan to start acupuncture next month and see if that helps any. I will get another set of bloodwork done next cycle. I do feel down about my eggs. My blood test results combined with my experience of TTC for 10 months with no BFP makes me feel like they're all bad at this point. I am still ovulating though according to Clearblue and I get regular periods, so no issues there. Only issue that I know of is egg quality.

I see a pattern of your husband "refusing" to do things. It may be that it makes sense to stay where you are, but this should be something you decide together. It may be that adoption isn't a good option for your family, but this should be something you decide together. It may be that tweaking some things about your lifestyle now could make it easier for you to meet other families and make some new connections, but this stuff has to be on the table.

I am seeing that too - the things that could make your situation a whole lot better - that could make your life joyful - are off the table. Moving to a close knit neighborhood with lots of other small families, adoption, even moving to be close to the grandparents you said are interested. You have options, OP. Lots of them. The only option for a full, joyful, non-lonely life is not another biological child. That you are your husband are focused on that is understandable, but it is standing in the way of your happiness.

I have an only, not by choice. I grieved for a long time. But my child is not and never has been lonely. We moved my parents down to be close by when they needed long term care, and we have jumped into our church community. We send our child to a small nurturing private school where there is a tight knit community, and we have made friends with the other parents. Sometimes, when I see a little girl (I have an only boy) holding her mom's hand, or when I hear about someone's second pregnancy, I hurt terribly inside with envy. But that is ME hurting, not my child hurting. He is a social butterfly and always has ideas on how to get together with his buddies. And if he doesn't like having a small family, in the end, he can choose to marry someone with a large family, or choose to create a large family of his own. I am giving him a happy healthy home - the rest is up to him.

Good luck and happy holidays, OP. I hope you are able to make some changes in the new year that move you all toward happiness.

[Anonymous]

OP It sounds like several things are going on at once. First obtain a copy of your records and get a second opinion. We looked at our records and they were incorrect -- it said DH had "no sperm" when actually he had good sperm (and 2 kids to show for it, now) Second if the results are really accurate go for DE asap. Perhaps you could do shared to lower the cost. You have a good chance of success with a previous pregnancy. If your results are accurate, there is absolutely no point in IVF with OE. Just a long expensive, heart breaking journey. There is a chance that you could still get pregnant on your own as fertility goes through cycles. But catching that cycle for IVF has not been that successful.
Third, you might consider moving. We have people in our neighborhood who are empty nesters and have lived here 30+ years -- they are not going anywhere. If you have an only, the neighborhood with no kid is not for you. Parents do tend to follow the path of least resistance in choosing playdates and activities for their kids. And the oldest gets the most attention. It is a cliché but true. Herndon has a reputation for not the best schools (there are threads about this) so there may not be many young families moving in.
A lot to think about. GL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there seems to be a reason for all aspects of your current situation ("yes, but..."). Then accept it and try to find joy in your life. Maybe a therapist (not infertility but a regular one) could help, or antidepressants. It sounds like all you really need is commiseration. And maybe, just maybe, you get declined for playdates because of you, not because others are too busy. You're full of complaints and misery.

I agree with this.

OP, people are making suggestions that might help and you have a reason you can't do any of them. Most of them aren't terribly compelling reasons and you sound fairly passive, but ok. So either make a plan and do something proactive (and that might mean talking to your DH) OR if you're not able to do anything differently, stop focusing on all the things that are wrong and focus on the positives of your situation. I think you should even stop posting on DCUM about it. (I'm pretty sure I've seen you post before in other forums.) Just get out of the head space of talking about this and complaining about this and doing nothing and circling down the drain. I truly think that will help.

Good luck.

+1 You sound depressed. I get it -- everyone is with this news. But you need to move forward on some front. 38 is not young, not matter what people on DCUM say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP It sounds like several things are going on at once. First obtain a copy of your records and get a second opinion. We looked at our records and they were incorrect -- it said DH had "no sperm" when actually he had good sperm (and 2 kids to show for it, now) Second if the results are really accurate go for DE asap. Perhaps you could do shared to lower the cost. You have a good chance of success with a previous pregnancy. If your results are accurate, there is absolutely no point in IVF with OE. Just a long expensive, heart breaking journey. There is a chance that you could still get pregnant on your own as fertility goes through cycles. But catching that cycle for IVF has not been that successful.
Third, you might consider moving. We have people in our neighborhood who are empty nesters and have lived here 30+ years -- they are not going anywhere. If you have an only, the neighborhood with no kid is not for you. Parents do tend to follow the path of least resistance in choosing playdates and activities for their kids. And the oldest gets the most attention. It is a cliché but true. Herndon has a reputation for not the best schools (there are threads about this) so there may not be many young families moving in.
A lot to think about. GL.

Cliff's notes of this thread: OP doesn't want to do any ART because of needles (hence the title of the thread), they don't want to move because of something else. She is not out of ideas, she doesn't want to do anything plus DH is not on board with any improvements in her life and apparently that's acceptable to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP It sounds like several things are going on at once. First obtain a copy of your records and get a second opinion. We looked at our records and they were incorrect -- it said DH had "no sperm" when actually he had good sperm (and 2 kids to show for it, now) Second if the results are really accurate go for DE asap. Perhaps you could do shared to lower the cost. You have a good chance of success with a previous pregnancy. If your results are accurate, there is absolutely no point in IVF with OE. Just a long expensive, heart breaking journey. There is a chance that you could still get pregnant on your own as fertility goes through cycles. But catching that cycle for IVF has not been that successful.
Third, you might consider moving. We have people in our neighborhood who are empty nesters and have lived here 30+ years -- they are not going anywhere. If you have an only, the neighborhood with no kid is not for you. Parents do tend to follow the path of least resistance in choosing playdates and activities for their kids. And the oldest gets the most attention. It is a cliché but true. Herndon has a reputation for not the best schools (there are threads about this) so there may not be many young families moving in.
A lot to think about. GL.

Cliff's notes of this thread: OP doesn't want to do any ART because of needles (hence the title of the thread), they don't want to move because of something else. She is not out of ideas, she doesn't want to do anything plus DH is not on board with any improvements in her life and apparently that's acceptable to her.

Did OP profess a fear of needles? I think that was another post - on page 1 she said she's reluctant to do IVF because of little chance of success - seems valid. I think your synopsis is a little harsh, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP It sounds like several things are going on at once. First obtain a copy of your records and get a second opinion. We looked at our records and they were incorrect -- it said DH had "no sperm" when actually he had good sperm (and 2 kids to show for it, now) Second if the results are really accurate go for DE asap. Perhaps you could do shared to lower the cost. You have a good chance of success with a previous pregnancy. If your results are accurate, there is absolutely no point in IVF with OE. Just a long expensive, heart breaking journey. There is a chance that you could still get pregnant on your own as fertility goes through cycles. But catching that cycle for IVF has not been that successful.
Third, you might consider moving. We have people in our neighborhood who are empty nesters and have lived here 30+ years -- they are not going anywhere. If you have an only, the neighborhood with no kid is not for you. Parents do tend to follow the path of least resistance in choosing playdates and activities for their kids. And the oldest gets the most attention. It is a cliché but true. Herndon has a reputation for not the best schools (there are threads about this) so there may not be many young families moving in.
A lot to think about. GL.

Cliff's notes of this thread: OP doesn't want to do any ART because of needles (hence the title of the thread), they don't want to move because of something else. She is not out of ideas, she doesn't want to do anything plus DH is not on board with any improvements in her life and apparently that's acceptable to her.

Did OP profess a fear of needles? I think that was another post - on page 1 she said she's reluctant to do IVF because of little chance of success - seems valid. I think your synopsis is a little harsh, PP.

I think this is the same poster.
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/520639.page

[Anonymous]

And I think OP is this poster too.

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/513156.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And I think OP is this poster too.

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/513156.page

Agreed - I've posted on all three and understand the frustration. I even asked where OP was located to see I could offer support and she didn't reach out - she wants to use the lack of a support network as a reason not to move forward while simultaneously rejecting attempts to form a support network.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And I think OP is this poster too.

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/513156.page

Agreed - I've posted on all three and understand the frustration. I even asked where OP was located to see I could offer support and she didn't reach out - she wants to use the lack of a support network as a reason not to move forward while simultaneously rejecting attempts to form a support network.

It does not really matter if she is afraid of needles -- IVF with OE is not going to work for her anyway. DOR of course leads to poor or no eggs to work with for IVF, so there is no point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And I think OP is this poster too.

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/513156.page

Agreed - I've posted on all three and understand the frustration. I even asked where OP was located to see I could offer support and she didn't reach out - she wants to use the lack of a support network as a reason not to move forward while simultaneously rejecting attempts to form a support network.

It does not really matter if she is afraid of needles -- IVF with OE is not going to work for her anyway. DOR of course leads to poor or no eggs to work with for IVF, so there is no point.

You do know that people with DOR get pregnant with OE IVF every day, right? It really depends on the exact numbers, and the point was less about the needles than about OP's constant stream of excuses. If she doesn't want to do it, that's fine!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please don't nag other parents for constant playdates - some people go to great lengths to have two kids so they have playmates. When you ask every single f'in day for a playdate with just one of them because your singleton is bored it gets REALLY annoying.

With your lovely personality, I am sure you are not getting that many calls PP. So don't worry about it.

NP. To the first PP, I have an only child but we rarely ask for playdates. My DC goes outside and plays with neighbor kids. It is not my concern that you went to "great lengths to have two kids so they have playmates." Having kids are not social engineering.

We would have loved to have a second child but it did not work out that way. We focus on the one child we do have instead of worrying about what it could have been. OP is lucky to have one than none.

+1. I have more than 1 through "great lengths," but still think it would be good for my oldest to have friends his own AGE. Guess I just shouldn't ever ask for playdates?

I'll repost again if you were too lazy to read through all of the posts...

"We didn't have a second child only to provide our first with a playmate, but it's certainly a big perk for us. We do MANY playdates with singletons. Many. And also happily send off just one child at a time for play dates with other children.

But when you have a friend with a singleton who calls you the minute that child gets bored. Every single day. Just to send over one of our children (leaving our own child "bored"), then it gets old. If you want a constant companion for your kid at least be willing to take siblings some of the time."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And I think OP is this poster too.

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/513156.page

Agreed - I've posted on all three and understand the frustration. I even asked where OP was located to see I could offer support and she didn't reach out - she wants to use the lack of a support network as a reason not to move forward while simultaneously rejecting attempts to form a support network.

It does not really matter if she is afraid of needles -- IVF with OE is not going to work for her anyway. DOR of course leads to poor or no eggs to work with for IVF, so there is no point.

You do know that people with DOR get pregnant with OE IVF every day, right? It really depends on the exact numbers, and the point was less about the needles than about OP's constant stream of excuses. If she doesn't want to do it, that's fine!

+1

OP certainly doesn't have to do anything if she doesn't want to, but she doesn't even seen to be trying - just making excuses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please don't nag other parents for constant playdates - some people go to great lengths to have two kids so they have playmates. When you ask every single f'in day for a playdate with just one of them because your singleton is bored it gets REALLY annoying.

With your lovely personality, I am sure you are not getting that many calls PP. So don't worry about it.

NP. To the first PP, I have an only child but we rarely ask for playdates. My DC goes outside and plays with neighbor kids. It is not my concern that you went to "great lengths to have two kids so they have playmates." Having kids are not social engineering.

We would have loved to have a second child but it did not work out that way. We focus on the one child we do have instead of worrying about what it could have been. OP is lucky to have one than none.

+1. I have more than 1 through "great lengths," but still think it would be good for my oldest to have friends his own AGE. Guess I just shouldn't ever ask for playdates?

I'll repost again if you were too lazy to read through all of the posts...

"We didn't have a second child only to provide our first with a playmate, but it's certainly a big perk for us. We do MANY playdates with singletons. Many. And also happily send off just one child at a time for play dates with other children.

But when you have a friend with a singleton who calls you the minute that child gets bored. Every single day. Just to send over one of our children (leaving our own child "bored"), then it gets old. If you want a constant companion for your kid at least be willing to take siblings some of the time."

Not too lazy, just to busy trying to schedule playdates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please don't nag other parents for constant playdates - some people go to great lengths to have two kids so they have playmates. When you ask every single f'in day for a playdate with just one of them because your singleton is bored it gets REALLY annoying.

With your lovely personality, I am sure you are not getting that many calls PP. So don't worry about it.

NP. To the first PP, I have an only child but we rarely ask for playdates. My DC goes outside and plays with neighbor kids. It is not my concern that you went to "great lengths to have two kids so they have playmates." Having kids are not social engineering.

We would have loved to have a second child but it did not work out that way. We focus on the one child we do have instead of worrying about what it could have been. OP is lucky to have one than none.

+1. I have more than 1 through "great lengths," but still think it would be good for my oldest to have friends his own AGE. Guess I just shouldn't ever ask for playdates?

I'll repost again if you were too lazy to read through all of the posts...

"We didn't have a second child only to provide our first with a playmate, but it's certainly a big perk for us. We do MANY playdates with singletons. Many. And also happily send off just one child at a time for play dates with other children.

But when you have a friend with a singleton who calls you the minute that child gets bored. Every single day. Just to send over one of our children (leaving our own child "bored"), then it gets old. If you want a constant companion for your kid at least be willing to take siblings some of the time."

Not too lazy, just to busy trying to schedule playdates.

We're taking the day off today.

5 playdates over the past two days. Including 1 singleton here. And with another singleton at his house.