Deciding to have an only child b/c of infertility

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, there seems to be a reason for all aspects of your current situation ("yes, but..."). Then accept it and try to find joy in your life. Maybe a therapist (not infertility but a regular one) could help, or antidepressants. It sounds like all you really need is commiseration. And maybe, just maybe, you get declined for playdates because of you, not because others are too busy. You're full of complaints and misery.

I agree with this.

OP, people are making suggestions that might help and you have a reason you can't do any of them. Most of them aren't terribly compelling reasons and you sound fairly passive, but ok. So either make a plan and do something proactive (and that might mean talking to your DH) OR if you're not able to do anything differently, stop focusing on all the things that are wrong and focus on the positives of your situation. I think you should even stop posting on DCUM about it. (I'm pretty sure I've seen you post before in other forums.) Just get out of the head space of talking about this and complaining about this and doing nothing and circling down the drain. I truly think that will help.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

As the youngest of three, I am dreading going home for Xmas. There isn't enough room, everyone fights, etc.

My friends who are only children go home and seem to have little drama to deal with. Their bedroom is there for them, their mom bakes their favorite meals, etc.

I would not mind being an only child.

[Anonymous]

You need to keep two simultaneously existing scenarios in your mind:
1) You and DH have a great relationship and can help your daughter really enjoy being an only child. Make sure you do a lot of things as a family and focus on the joy and happiness she brings you. Do things that a second child might make more difficult, like traveling. Form traditions to enjoy together. Etc.
2) Statistics be damned. Is your period wildly irregular? Are you going through symptoms of menopause? You got pregnant easily the first time, and unless you have gone through menopause or don't have a uterus, it's not physically impossible to get pregnant again. Period. Don't focus on the negative s**t the doctors are telling you. And if you don't get pregnant, refer back to #1.

(I don't know what my eggs' issues were, but there was some number at some point that suggested they might be bad or few in number and I am currently 9.5 weeks along. Who knows what the outcome will be, but still, it was conceived somehow!! And I have a feeling it will be just fine.)

I didn't read the other posts, so apologies if this has already been said or if I'm way off base here!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to keep two simultaneously existing scenarios in your mind:
1) You and DH have a great relationship and can help your daughter really enjoy being an only child. Make sure you do a lot of things as a family and focus on the joy and happiness she brings you. Do things that a second child might make more difficult, like traveling. Form traditions to enjoy together. Etc.
2) Statistics be damned. Is your period wildly irregular? Are you going through symptoms of menopause? You got pregnant easily the first time, and unless you have gone through menopause or don't have a uterus, it's not physically impossible to get pregnant again. Period. Don't focus on the negative s**t the doctors are telling you. And if you don't get pregnant, refer back to #1.

OP here. Re: your second point, no, my periods are not irregular. I have a very regular 28 day cycle. I don't think I'm going through menopause (and my GYN also said I am not). I use OPKs each month which show two days of the egg symbol, and we are having lots of sex (like at least 5 times) within the fertile window. After 10 months of that, no pregnancy. Just makes me wonder what exactly is going on with my eggs. They must all be really bad. Blood tests seem to substantiate this, and the two REs I have been to are not optimistic about traditional IVF working with my numbers. My OB is also not optimistic. I am going to have a few more consultations to see what other REs say, maybe a few out of town clinics too. And yes, I did the HSG along with the antral follicle count ultrasound. No issues other than very few antral follicles.

My next step is to add in acupuncture to the other holistic things I am already doing and see if that helps any and also see a nutritionist. I'm a pretty healthy eater but I can always improve on that. We are willing to give it about 16 months of trying naturally before going to maybe a mini IVF/natural cycle IVF or donor egg. But I'm not willing to do traditional IVF. And yes, if those things all fail then we're looking at being one and done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to keep two simultaneously existing scenarios in your mind:
1) You and DH have a great relationship and can help your daughter really enjoy being an only child. Make sure you do a lot of things as a family and focus on the joy and happiness she brings you. Do things that a second child might make more difficult, like traveling. Form traditions to enjoy together. Etc.
2) Statistics be damned. Is your period wildly irregular? Are you going through symptoms of menopause? You got pregnant easily the first time, and unless you have gone through menopause or don't have a uterus, it's not physically impossible to get pregnant again. Period. Don't focus on the negative s**t the doctors are telling you. And if you don't get pregnant, refer back to #1.

OP here. Re: your second point, no, my periods are not irregular. I have a very regular 28 day cycle. I don't think I'm going through menopause (and my GYN also said I am not). I use OPKs each month which show two days of the egg symbol, and we are having lots of sex (like at least 5 times) within the fertile window. After 10 months of that, no pregnancy. Just makes me wonder what exactly is going on with my eggs. They must all be really bad. Blood tests seem to substantiate this, and the two REs I have been to are not optimistic about traditional IVF working with my numbers. My OB is also not optimistic. I am going to have a few more consultations to see what other REs say, maybe a few out of town clinics too. And yes, I did the HSG along with the antral follicle count ultrasound. No issues other than very few antral follicles.

My next step is to add in acupuncture to the other holistic things I am already doing and see if that helps any and also see a nutritionist. I'm a pretty healthy eater but I can always improve on that. We are willing to give it about 16 months of trying naturally before going to maybe a mini IVF/natural cycle IVF or donor egg. But I'm not willing to do traditional IVF. And yes, if those things all fail then we're looking at being one and done.

OK! So you're not going through menopause, so you obviously have some eggs left. I wound up reading some other posts and the thing about you having negative thoughts about your eggs? I had the same experience. I am 34 and my FSH was twenty-freaking-five and I was really starting to hate my reproductive system. Till one day, I said, "All this monitoring is really making me hate my reproductive system, and I don't really think it deserves that because it produced my beautiful, amazing daughter. It is capable of incredible things." I did other work too. I got a nutritional work-up and supplemented with really high quality, easily absorbing vitamins for optimal health. I drank a wheatgrass smoothie every day (but don't do this if you get pregnant!), which has anecdotally helped some people (and cows) with fertility, I ran a half-marathon. Then I got pregnant naturally. YMMV, and again, I'm not totally out of the woods, but once my attitude changed, it made all the difference. And if it doesn't work out, I have made such peace with having an only, I will assume it was for the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. Re: your second point, no, my periods are not irregular. I have a very regular 28 day cycle. I don't think I'm going through menopause (and my GYN also said I am not). I use OPKs each month which show two days of the egg symbol, and we are having lots of sex (like at least 5 times) within the fertile window. After 10 months of that, no pregnancy. Just makes me wonder what exactly is going on with my eggs. They must all be really bad. Blood tests seem to substantiate this, and the two REs I have been to are not optimistic about traditional IVF working with my numbers. My OB is also not optimistic. I am going to have a few more consultations to see what other REs say, maybe a few out of town clinics too. And yes, I did the HSG along with the antral follicle count ultrasound. No issues other than very few antral follicles.

My next step is to add in acupuncture to the other holistic things I am already doing and see if that helps any and also see a nutritionist. I'm a pretty healthy eater but I can always improve on that. We are willing to give it about 16 months of trying naturally before going to maybe a mini IVF/natural cycle IVF or donor egg. But I'm not willing to do traditional IVF. And yes, if those things all fail then we're looking at being one and done.

OP, I'm a little confused by your posts. Your dx seem to indicate DOR, but you keep talking about egg quality. Is it the former? Or do you have reasons to think it's both? DOR is very hard to treat with ART, since even if the quality of the eggs is good you just might not have enough to retrieve and fertilize. I think in some cases they suggest natural cycle IVF, has anyone brought that up? It does seem to me that donor egg might be a better option for you since you know you can successfully carry a pregnancy (not everyone can easily).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. Re: your second point, no, my periods are not irregular. I have a very regular 28 day cycle. I don't think I'm going through menopause (and my GYN also said I am not). I use OPKs each month which show two days of the egg symbol, and we are having lots of sex (like at least 5 times) within the fertile window. After 10 months of that, no pregnancy. Just makes me wonder what exactly is going on with my eggs. They must all be really bad. Blood tests seem to substantiate this, and the two REs I have been to are not optimistic about traditional IVF working with my numbers. My OB is also not optimistic. I am going to have a few more consultations to see what other REs say, maybe a few out of town clinics too. And yes, I did the HSG along with the antral follicle count ultrasound. No issues other than very few antral follicles.

My next step is to add in acupuncture to the other holistic things I am already doing and see if that helps any and also see a nutritionist. I'm a pretty healthy eater but I can always improve on that. We are willing to give it about 16 months of trying naturally before going to maybe a mini IVF/natural cycle IVF or donor egg. But I'm not willing to do traditional IVF. And yes, if those things all fail then we're looking at being one and done.

OP, I'm a little confused by your posts. Your dx seem to indicate DOR, but you keep talking about egg quality. Is it the former? Or do you have reasons to think it's both? DOR is very hard to treat with ART, since even if the quality of the eggs is good you just might not have enough to retrieve and fertilize. I think in some cases they suggest natural cycle IVF, has anyone brought that up? It does seem to me that donor egg might be a better option for you since you know you can successfully carry a pregnancy (not everyone can easily).

OP, missed the last piece. With DOR, I wouldn't waste another 6+ mos waiting to do NCIVF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. Re: your second point, no, my periods are not irregular. I have a very regular 28 day cycle. I don't think I'm going through menopause (and my GYN also said I am not). I use OPKs each month which show two days of the egg symbol, and we are having lots of sex (like at least 5 times) within the fertile window. After 10 months of that, no pregnancy. Just makes me wonder what exactly is going on with my eggs. They must all be really bad. Blood tests seem to substantiate this, and the two REs I have been to are not optimistic about traditional IVF working with my numbers. My OB is also not optimistic. I am going to have a few more consultations to see what other REs say, maybe a few out of town clinics too. And yes, I did the HSG along with the antral follicle count ultrasound. No issues other than very few antral follicles.

My next step is to add in acupuncture to the other holistic things I am already doing and see if that helps any and also see a nutritionist. I'm a pretty healthy eater but I can always improve on that. We are willing to give it about 16 months of trying naturally before going to maybe a mini IVF/natural cycle IVF or donor egg. But I'm not willing to do traditional IVF. And yes, if those things all fail then we're looking at being one and done.

OP, I'm a little confused by your posts. Your dx seem to indicate DOR, but you keep talking about egg quality. Is it the former? Or do you have reasons to think it's both? DOR is very hard to treat with ART, since even if the quality of the eggs is good you just might not have enough to retrieve and fertilize. I think in some cases they suggest natural cycle IVF, has anyone brought that up? It does seem to me that donor egg might be a better option for you since you know you can successfully carry a pregnancy (not everyone can easily).

OP here. My official diagnosis is DOR. But also probably egg quality issues since I have not been able to get pregnant in almost a year. But we don't know for sure since I haven't done any IVF yet. But DOR for sure given my Day 3 bloodwork and antral follicle count. Natural cycle IVF is something I'm considering. I'd do that for a few tries before moving on to DE. But given my numbers/research I've done it doesn't even seem like DOR would be successful for me since it's unlikey to yield a good egg since I have DOR.

[Anonymous]

OP, not to pump sunshine but I had horrible numbers for a 29 year old, had 3 failed IUI and 2 failed IVF in which we made 0 blasts. Dr told me my eggs were hopeless and 2 months later I was pregnant the old fashioned way. My point is, that sometimes things that happen without explanation and doctors don't know everything. They can say you have a 5% chance of success, but statistically, that's about 1 pregnancy after 2 years of trying (1 in 24 ovulations is ~4%). I think between the time we spent trying and all the treatments, we went through about 50 eggs before we finally hit the jackpot. But it only takes one. Keep trying each and every month, you never know when a good egg will finally drop. As long as your tubes are open, you are still ovulating and DH's sample is normal, it's entirely possible.

[Anonymous]

there are many reasons other than egg quality that you might not be getting pregnant, from timing to hormones to thickness of your uterine lining. There are ways to work on those without DE or IVF.

[Anonymous]

OP, I just want to commiserate with you and send hugs.

I just failed my 4th IVF cycle, and it was at one of the "big name" clinics. My 1st cycle yielded my miracle of a son (so 5 cycles under my belt + 1 FET). Since my first cycle, I've had a second trimester loss and nothing else. I am crushed and, like you, wondering if it's time I try to embrace having an only. I grew up as an only myself. I did have a half-brother and sister but they were both 20+ when I came along and lived in different states and countries. For me, it was a lonely experience. I am going to try another couple IVF cycles (I'm 33 but also have awful numbers), but after that... I'm done. I wish for either success or peace and healing for us both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry, OP. It can be so tough to work through these issues. Best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

Good idea to keep looking for more options - different school, different classes, etc. I'm sure there are plenty more families looking for friends too! It's just a matter of finding them.

I was going to write the same thing.

What was the site that allowed people to start social groups? I vaguely remember looking at some mom groups in my area, but I can't remember the website. Parents with siblings want to have play dates for their kids too! Not everybody has twins and triplets, not everybody has minimal spacing between children. Plenty of families with toddlers and school kids who are not great company to each other and won't be for quite a while. Seek, and you shall find. Good luck, OP!

Meetup?

Yes, that's it. OP, find a mom group near you. Or start your own group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have one wonderful child (age 1.5) and started TTC #2 awhile ago. Now it's been 10 months and I cannot get pregnant. I've been diagnosed with decreased ovarian reserve and my numbers are horrible (i.e. my eggs are undetectable). I have no idea how I got pregnant with #1 on the second try naturally, but I am so grateful. My doctors say the chance of getting pregnant with IVF or naturally are less than 5% for me. In other words, it is very unlikely I will ever get pregnant again.

Anyhow, after researching and having initial appts. with REs, I have come to the conclusion that I cannot go through IVF treatments. So I need to accept having an only child.

The problem is I am an only child and I strongly disliked my lonely childhood and being an only now. In fact, I am the stereotypical "only lonely" and do not want this for my DD. My husband has one brother who he is not close with at all, so I know that a sibling does not guarantee a relationship. But I really wanted to have two kids and experience that sibling bond from the parent perspective, and also to give my daughter the sibling relationship that I never had.

I'm having a hard time accepting that my daughter will be an only and growing up in the exact same way I did (new to the area (no good friends yet), no local family, grandparents far away, no cousins/aunts/uncles--well she has an aunt/uncle on my husband's side but they are disinterested in being an aunt/uncle and don't even ask about my DD, send her anything on her birthday, we only see them once every few years, etc). Growing up I was so lonely without local family. We only saw them once a year due to distance (with my DD, she will see them twice a year due to distance, which is a little better). And these days we have Skype, etc. which makes keeping in touch easier.

How do I come to terms with having an only child due to infertility? And how can I make sure she doesn't have a lonely childhood? It's challenging because we are new to the area, didn't know anyone when we moved here 5 years ago, and it's been really hard to make good family friends with families who have kids around my daughter's age.

For one, stop projecting. Your daughter's life experience will not be the same as yours. Also, I can't imagine a child thinking "i am lonely without local family" - lonely without friends - yes, without third aunt or 5th cousin - nope.

If it's hard for you to make friends - I would focus on that and see what can be changed within the range of reasonable. Are you clingy? Super intraverted? Super religious?

+100. For the love of God, please stop using the phrase "only lonely," and never say this in front of your DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please don't nag other parents for constant playdates - some people go to great lengths to have two kids so they have playmates. When you ask every single f'in day for a playdate with just one of them because your singleton is bored it gets REALLY annoying.

With your lovely personality, I am sure you are not getting that many calls PP. So don't worry about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please don't nag other parents for constant playdates - some people go to great lengths to have two kids so they have playmates. When you ask every single f'in day for a playdate with just one of them because your singleton is bored it gets REALLY annoying.

With your lovely personality, I am sure you are not getting that many calls PP. So don't worry about it.

NP. To the first PP, I have an only child but we rarely ask for playdates. My DC goes outside and plays with neighbor kids. It is not my concern that you went to "great lengths to have two kids so they have playmates." Having kids are not social engineering.

We would have loved to have a second child but it did not work out that way. We focus on the one child we do have instead of worrying about what it could have been. OP is lucky to have one than none.