Reply to Deciding to have an only child b/c of infertility

Forum Index » Infertility Support and Discussion

Reply to "Deciding to have an only child b/c of infertility"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
One of the best parts of my motherhood has been providing a whole new experience for my children. I grew up in a two kid (B/G) household. My children are also a B/G set. The dynamic I set with them could not be more different than how I grew up with my sibling. I've established such a different tone between them!

Your DC may be an "only" but she doesn't have to share your experience of being lonely----not at all. Just as you would have put considerable energy into ensuring the relationship with a sibling would have been close and productive, you have the same opportunity now with any only to create a rich, wonderful life experience!

I've had the chance to heal my own childhood mishagas through my Duo. Wishing you the same adventure with your one.

Having two is only the start of a life long project of bringing the two children together. Giving birth to two is absolutely NO guarantee that they will be friends or maintain any sort of healthy bond. That, my dear, is a daily exercise. Your DH's relationship with his sib should stand as evidence here.

Please don't feel bad that you aren't supplying DD with a sibling, if that's how things go. Her life is yours to build in so many other meaningful ways. Heal yourself through this experience. Parenthood means being able to provide whatever it is that you lacked. In your case sibling is just a placeholder for all the things you imagine go with it. Don't continue to hurt yourself by thinking a sibling is a cure-all.

[/quote]

OP here.  Thank you for this very thought-provoking post!  It has definitely given me a lot to think about!

I like the idea of providing the whole new experience for my DD than I had as a lonely only, but a big part of that would be providing her with extended family (grandparents, aunts and uncles) that are local (or at least visit a lot), and interested in a family bond.  I feel that I missed out on a childhood of Sunday dinners at Grandmas, spending holidays with grandparents, having family at school events, etc.  That made me feel very lonely as a child.  The problem is, that's not possible for us.  My parents live on the West Coast and we see them twice a year.  They are interested though.  My husband's parents live in the midwest, we see MIL twice a year and FIL has never met DD and said he has no interest.  My husband's parents are disinterested in much of a relationship.  And DH's brother and his wife are not a real aunt/uncle--they never ask about DD, never call, visit, etc.  They call DH but just have no interest in a relationship with DD.

A big part of why I was a lonely only was that I also grew up with zero local family.  I remember being super lonely on all the family holidays when it was just me and my parents.  I don't want DD to feel the same way.  I've tried to find other families to celebrate holidays and milestones with us (and that's what I mean about making family friends being very important to me), but so far it hasn't really worked out.

As a lonely only, I would have loved a more kid-friendly experience growing up.  I didn't like eating at "fancy" restaurants with only my parents every weekend, the fact that my parents never really took me to kid-friendly places on the weekends (I stayed in and watched TV mostly while they did yardwork).  I was really lonely on the weekends--it was hard to find other kids to play with since most of them were doing family things on weekends, so I was usually lonely on weekends (during the week I was fine because I had school, activities, etc.)  And now trying to make friends with other moms, I find this same thing (hard to find people to do things with on the weekends because they're always crazy busy, usually with weekend family events).

I also didn't have a very good neighborhood growing up (and unfortunately we don't now either).  We live out in Herndon, in a nice neighborhood with very large yards.  There is nothing within walking distance, no local playgrounds, and the neighborhood we chose (pre-kid) unfortunately is not very family friendly (mostly empty nesters/no young families).  I would be surprised if we ever make friends in this neighborhood (we haven't yet).  DH refuses to move, saying that we already spent a lot on renovations on this house (we've lived here 8 years already).

I'm sure there are many ways that I can create a totally different (and much better) experience for DD than I had growing up as a very lonely only, but other aspects (no local family, neighborhood not kid-friendly, hard to meet up with friends on the weekends because they're doing their own thing, etc.) are things that my daughter and I will have in common, but maybe she will not feel lonely because of these aspects the way I did.[/quote]

I haven't read every page here, but, I also grew up with no local family (except an ailing great aunt who passed away when i was 8) but with two other siblings. We are in our 30s now and we barely speak or hang out save for Xmas and maybe once during the summer. When DS was born it took me driving to my sisters 4 hrs away for her to meet him when he was 3 months old. I'm just trying to say that the grass is not always greener.

I really think you may need to speak to a family therapist about helping you get over some of the sadness you have with your parents. You are a different person than them, and can create different experiences for your child.

While my DS is becoming a big brother this year, for 2.5 yrs he's been an only and we've had so much fun with that and so has he. We have a group of friends with onlies (for now) and we get together once a month for our kids to play.

We have taken DS on international travel every year and given him fun experiences. We definitely focus on his happiness - as well as ours.

Do you happen to work? That may make a difference too. I think if you are at home thinking about your loneliness, you may be projecting that on your DD.

There's been a ton of great suggestions on here for how to go out and meet people -- you have the power to choose your own adventure!

[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics