Deciding to have an only child b/c of infertility
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Anonymous
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FYI - IVF with donor egg mitigates your egg quality, it's based on the quality of the donor's eggs - it sounds like at 37 with diminished egg quality etc, your odds are going to be good on that. I went through years of infertility hell & spent years reviewing and studying the range of studies and literature and how they get to stats - and the stats do tend to be real stats FOR THE POPULATION (which may or may not apply to a given individual) but they are often a starting point for then exploring what may be possible and also thinking about other options. All of the options are expensive, many can be very draining, but there are lots of different things out there to check out.
I also had one brother who basically bullied the crap out of me growing up - but I am pretty close to now, but I do sometimes wonder why. I do get having siblings can be very special - but also there are pluses and minuses to everyone's family situation. Having gone through losses and all sorts of things to try to have kids -- it is extremely difficult and painful to come to terms with life not working out 'the way it was supposed to' or in the way so many people can just 'take for granted' and they never really get and typically can't even respect what that sense of loss feels like = I don't mean to be a downer as much as just to say sometimes hugs are the only answer. In our neighborhood, our kids have made lots of friends - including some that come & go from each others houses like they are extended cousins or family - it's really a nice community -- sometimes family can be what you make of it. |
Anonymous
| Agree with PPs that we tried so hard to build kid friendships when they were infants/toddlers, etc - but things really clicked when they were in the neighborhood school & early elementary. |
Anonymous
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Hi OP,
May I suggests reaching out to other parents of only children? While I have an only by choice, I've found connecting with only parents of only children has been amazing. We can plan a lot of playdates (without another sibling having to plan for), vacations together (more money!), and other things to do. I do feel for you that this was not by choice and hope that you can find a family for your only outside of a sibling relationship. Best of luck! |
Anonymous
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Please don't nag other parents for constant playdates - some people go to great lengths to have two kids so they have playmates. When you ask every single f'in day for a playdate with just one of them because your singleton is bored it gets REALLY annoying.
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Anonymous
Yes, it's so annoying when people ask me to do things and I have to take a minute or two out of my day to decline the invitation. Lady, those invitations will stop rolling in pretty quick if you are this unpleasant in real life. For the OP, I echo the sentiment to find other only families. This post is a perfect example. People with multiple kids are just less motivated. I saw you posted you live far out. If you're going to have one, I would consider moving and altering your lifestyle to accommodate that choice. Find a nice urban (or urban-ish area...could be in VA or MD) and you'll have plenty of only family buds. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
LOL whut |
Anonymous
OP yes, it is hard for adults to make friends here, both DH and I are introverts and after all the time spent working, and running the household and raising kids, we have zero energy left. However I am only as well and my parents had tons of their own troubles going on, but I managed to make lot of friends in school and have a good time there. I dont think it is even fair to expect parents to "overcompensate" for not having 2 kids. For younger children, maybe some hand holding helps, but not once you hit elementary. |
Anonymous
Are you reading the posts? People with multiple kids are less motivated to accept invitations to play dates. They often have busier schedules and the kids play with each other. It's not that hard to follow along. |
Anonymous
Oh well excuse me. There was nothing following motivated in your post. It said they're not motivated, not, They're not motivated to accept playdates. Which I think is as weird a blanket generalization as the people who say "only children are lonely and sad" but whatever. I accept when my kids get invited to playdates. |
Anonymous
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One of the best parts of my motherhood has been providing a whole new experience for my children. I grew up in a two kid (B/G) household. My children are also a B/G set. The dynamic I set with them could not be more different than how I grew up with my sibling. I've established such a different tone between them! Your DC may be an "only" but she doesn't have to share your experience of being lonely----not at all. Just as you would have put considerable energy into ensuring the relationship with a sibling would have been close and productive, you have the same opportunity now with any only to create a rich, wonderful life experience! I've had the chance to heal my own childhood mishagas through my Duo. Wishing you the same adventure with your one. Having two is only the start of a life long project of bringing the two children together. Giving birth to two is absolutely NO guarantee that they will be friends or maintain any sort of healthy bond. That, my dear, is a daily exercise. Your DH's relationship with his sib should stand as evidence here. Please don't feel bad that you aren't supplying DD with a sibling, if that's how things go. Her life is yours to build in so many other meaningful ways. Heal yourself through this experience. Parenthood means being able to provide whatever it is that you lacked. In your case sibling is just a placeholder for all the things you imagine go with it. Don't continue to hurt yourself by thinking a sibling is a cure-all. |
Anonymous
| Has anyone suggested therapy? Things so often don't work out as one hopes or plans, and it's important to come to terms with that and not project our own disappointments and concerns onto our kids. |
Anonymous
Well, even if you have 5 kids the kids will copy you. If you have no long term friendships in your life, they might follow that path as well. Did you start similar threads in TTC and Infertility forums about giving up on #2? Don't you think it's a bit excessive? |
Anonymous
OP, I spent 5 years in IVF treatments with similar stats and finally conceived my first child with DE. You were lucky you got pregnant easily with these stats. You may be lucky if you do IVF but you have to consider the cost and the emotional toll if you do not succeed. I was successful on my first round of DE. If you carried a pregnancy once, you could carry again and, if egg quality Is your only issue, you may want to consider using donor eggs. You will not have to go through stimulation and will only take estrogen for your lining. We used frozen eggs and it was really easy to schedule the cycle, we used RBA in Atlanta. I hear you. And I know how you feel. I want a subling for my daughter and I am older than you and worry that I may not have time. I can't forgive myself that I spent 5 years trying to conceive with my own eggs, when I could have spent that time with my kids. |
Anonymous
OP here. Thank you for this very thought-provoking post! It has definitely given me a lot to think about! I like the idea of providing the whole new experience for my DD than I had as a lonely only, but a big part of that would be providing her with extended family (grandparents, aunts and uncles) that are local (or at least visit a lot), and interested in a family bond. I feel that I missed out on a childhood of Sunday dinners at Grandmas, spending holidays with grandparents, having family at school events, etc. That made me feel very lonely as a child. The problem is, that's not possible for us. My parents live on the West Coast and we see them twice a year. They are interested though. My husband's parents live in the midwest, we see MIL twice a year and FIL has never met DD and said he has no interest. My husband's parents are disinterested in much of a relationship. And DH's brother and his wife are not a real aunt/uncle--they never ask about DD, never call, visit, etc. They call DH but just have no interest in a relationship with DD. A big part of why I was a lonely only was that I also grew up with zero local family. I remember being super lonely on all the family holidays when it was just me and my parents. I don't want DD to feel the same way. I've tried to find other families to celebrate holidays and milestones with us (and that's what I mean about making family friends being very important to me), but so far it hasn't really worked out. As a lonely only, I would have loved a more kid-friendly experience growing up. I didn't like eating at "fancy" restaurants with only my parents every weekend, the fact that my parents never really took me to kid-friendly places on the weekends (I stayed in and watched TV mostly while they did yardwork). I was really lonely on the weekends--it was hard to find other kids to play with since most of them were doing family things on weekends, so I was usually lonely on weekends (during the week I was fine because I had school, activities, etc.) And now trying to make friends with other moms, I find this same thing (hard to find people to do things with on the weekends because they're always crazy busy, usually with weekend family events). I also didn't have a very good neighborhood growing up (and unfortunately we don't now either). We live out in Herndon, in a nice neighborhood with very large yards. There is nothing within walking distance, no local playgrounds, and the neighborhood we chose (pre-kid) unfortunately is not very family friendly (mostly empty nesters/no young families). I would be surprised if we ever make friends in this neighborhood (we haven't yet). DH refuses to move, saying that we already spent a lot on renovations on this house (we've lived here 8 years already). I'm sure there are many ways that I can create a totally different (and much better) experience for DD than I had growing up as a very lonely only, but other aspects (no local family, neighborhood not kid-friendly, hard to meet up with friends on the weekends because they're doing their own thing, etc.) are things that my daughter and I will have in common, but maybe she will not feel lonely because of these aspects the way I did. |