Deciding to have an only child b/c of infertility

[Anonymous]

We have one wonderful child (age 1.5) and started TTC #2 awhile ago. Now it's been 10 months and I cannot get pregnant. I've been diagnosed with decreased ovarian reserve and my numbers are horrible (i.e. my eggs are undetectable). I have no idea how I got pregnant with #1 on the second try naturally, but I am so grateful. My doctors say the chance of getting pregnant with IVF or naturally are less than 5% for me. In other words, it is very unlikely I will ever get pregnant again.

Anyhow, after researching and having initial appts. with REs, I have come to the conclusion that I cannot go through IVF treatments. So I need to accept having an only child.

The problem is I am an only child and I strongly disliked my lonely childhood and being an only now. In fact, I am the stereotypical "only lonely" and do not want this for my DD. My husband has one brother who he is not close with at all, so I know that a sibling does not guarantee a relationship. But I really wanted to have two kids and experience that sibling bond from the parent perspective, and also to give my daughter the sibling relationship that I never had.

I'm having a hard time accepting that my daughter will be an only and growing up in the exact same way I did (new to the area (no good friends yet), no local family, grandparents far away, no cousins/aunts/uncles--well she has an aunt/uncle on my husband's side but they are disinterested in being an aunt/uncle and don't even ask about my DD, send her anything on her birthday, we only see them once every few years, etc). Growing up I was so lonely without local family. We only saw them once a year due to distance (with my DD, she will see them twice a year due to distance, which is a little better). And these days we have Skype, etc. which makes keeping in touch easier.

How do I come to terms with having an only child due to infertility? And how can I make sure she doesn't have a lonely childhood? It's challenging because we are new to the area, didn't know anyone when we moved here 5 years ago, and it's been really hard to make good family friends with families who have kids around my daughter's age.

[Anonymous]

Options to consider:
1) donor egg
2) adoption

As for the lonely only, you'll have a better chance to find a nice community when she gets into preschool or elementary. My advice is seek out other only families as they're looking for this type of friendship too, in my experience. I don't know where you live, but it seems like there are more only families in closer-in and urban neighborhoods.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes these doctors pull statistics out of the air. I wonder how he came up with 5% when you gave birth less than 2 years ago.
How old are you?

[Anonymous]

Do you belong to a religous community? We have found community in ours. There are many different options for every beleif system. I would suggest that as a place to find other families. You have to work at it. Be the one who has the party/diiner/event- even if you have to host all the time.

Also, you know that just because a child has a sibling, does not mean that they will have a less lonely experience like the one you would like to avoid. You have the evidence with your DH and his sibling- in that they are not close.

I made a similar decision after our first was born fairly easily. I did not want to go through all the hoops either. We did end up having a second, but not after I did all the work to be comfortable having one child. It does take work, you might talk with someone to help you through it if you can't find peace after six months or so. Concentrate on the positives (and there are). How does your DH feel about it?

(((Hugs))) allow yourself to mourn, be kind to yourself in the meantime. Just remember, very few get what they expect regarding children.

[Anonymous]

Read "One and Only," by Lauren Something-or-other. It talks about a lot of the issues related to being and parenting an only child, including the research about only children that pretty much debunks all the stereotypes.

We have an only, and our strategy is to facilitate her friendships. Since we only have one, we have more time and flexibility. Your kid will make friends in daycare/preschool, and you can host lots of playdates to get to know parents and give her lots of social time. We also go to the same playground every weekend--you get to know the parents in your neighborhood, and again, social time for the kiddo. It's true that making good friends takes time, but in the meantime, you can still be social.

For us, it's been about accepting the facts, taking the time to mourn the life we're not having, and then focusing on the positives of having an only--of which there are many--and making a consistent effort to help our daughter build relationships and friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Options to consider:
1) donor egg
2) adoption

As for the lonely only, you'll have a better chance to find a nice community when she gets into preschool or elementary. My advice is seek out other only families as they're looking for this type of friendship too, in my experience. I don't know where you live, but it seems like there are more only families in closer-in and urban neighborhoods.

Thanks PP. Adoption is out of the question, because DH's family had a very negative experience with adoption--he has an adopted sibling who is now estranged from the family. DH does not want to do adoption.

Donor egg is a possibility. But I'm definitely not willing to do IVF for such low chances of success--I'm 37 with basically no eggs left (AMH is .01--almost zero). How it could get so bad when I just got pregnant naturally after the first try almost 2 years ago confuses me.

Anyhow, we are currently in preschool (doing a Mommy and Me class), and while I had such high hopes for meeting other families and making friends, that just hasn't happened yet (the other families have 3 kids, and are too busy to get together). We're in some swim/gymnastics classes, music classes, etc. and I haven't made any good friends--it's always the same story--most are too busy with work, or have 2 kids and too busy to get together. It's mostly nannies in my daytime classes. I'm a SAHM.

Unfortunately we live in the distant suburbs, very far out, and while there are many families around most have 3 kids/older kids. It's been hard to find any only child families, and hard to connect with them as the moms usually work full-time and don't have time on the weekends to get together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Options to consider:
1) donor egg
2) adoption

As for the lonely only, you'll have a better chance to find a nice community when she gets into preschool or elementary. My advice is seek out other only families as they're looking for this type of friendship too, in my experience. I don't know where you live, but it seems like there are more only families in closer-in and urban neighborhoods.

This. IME, parents of onlies are generally proactive about finding playmates for their kid, and are often easier to schedule stuff with because they aren't juggling multiple kids' activities. We live in DC, and there are lots of only kids around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have one wonderful child (age 1.5) and started TTC #2 awhile ago. Now it's been 10 months and I cannot get pregnant. I've been diagnosed with decreased ovarian reserve and my numbers are horrible (i.e. my eggs are undetectable). I have no idea how I got pregnant with #1 on the second try naturally, but I am so grateful. My doctors say the chance of getting pregnant with IVF or naturally are less than 5% for me. In other words, it is very unlikely I will ever get pregnant again.

Anyhow, after researching and having initial appts. with REs, I have come to the conclusion that I cannot go through IVF treatments. So I need to accept having an only child.

The problem is I am an only child and I strongly disliked my lonely childhood and being an only now. In fact, I am the stereotypical "only lonely" and do not want this for my DD. My husband has one brother who he is not close with at all, so I know that a sibling does not guarantee a relationship. But I really wanted to have two kids and experience that sibling bond from the parent perspective, and also to give my daughter the sibling relationship that I never had.

I'm having a hard time accepting that my daughter will be an only and growing up in the exact same way I did (new to the area (no good friends yet), no local family, grandparents far away, no cousins/aunts/uncles--well she has an aunt/uncle on my husband's side but they are disinterested in being an aunt/uncle and don't even ask about my DD, send her anything on her birthday, we only see them once every few years, etc). Growing up I was so lonely without local family. We only saw them once a year due to distance (with my DD, she will see them twice a year due to distance, which is a little better). And these days we have Skype, etc. which makes keeping in touch easier.

How do I come to terms with having an only child due to infertility? And how can I make sure she doesn't have a lonely childhood? It's challenging because we are new to the area, didn't know anyone when we moved here 5 years ago, and it's been really hard to make good family friends with families who have kids around my daughter's age.

For one, stop projecting. Your daughter's life experience will not be the same as yours. Also, I can't imagine a child thinking "i am lonely without local family" - lonely without friends - yes, without third aunt or 5th cousin - nope.

If it's hard for you to make friends - I would focus on that and see what can be changed within the range of reasonable. Are you clingy? Super intraverted? Super religious?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes these doctors pull statistics out of the air. I wonder how he came up with 5% when you gave birth less than 2 years ago.
How old are you?

I'm 37. My AMH is .01 (almost 0). My FSH is 15. My antral follicle count is 4. In other words, all these numbers are pretty bad (I have the ovaries of a 44 year old). It's very odd that I got pregnant on the second month of trying naturally. I had an easy, healthy pregnancy and delivery. But it's unlikely I can get pregnant again. I'm not willing to go through IVF for such a low chance of success.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Options to consider:
1) donor egg
2) adoption

As for the lonely only, you'll have a better chance to find a nice community when she gets into preschool or elementary. My advice is seek out other only families as they're looking for this type of friendship too, in my experience. I don't know where you live, but it seems like there are more only families in closer-in and urban neighborhoods.

This is definitely true. I have 2 kids but my DD's two BFFs are both only children. I love watching their friendship and can see them being each others' surrogate sisters through life (I also have a DS so DD doesn't have a sister either). They met in 2nd grade and we have become good friends with the girls parents. Compared to other friends of my kids, I can see that this friendship is as important to her BFFs parents as it is to us and we all prioritize giving the girls time to hang out together.

I'd encourage you to continuing reaching out to make friends. I didn't really know anyone in DC when we started our family but joined a couple playgroups through the local moms club and some of the moms from the second one are now my closest friends. The first group I didn't connect with as well. I also made friends via preschool, which my kids started as a 1-day/week "parents day out" when my 1st was a year old.

[Anonymous]

OP here. My husband wants a second very badly. We are still trying naturally (though it has been 10 months and no pregnancy). We will continue to try naturally. He wants me to go through IVF despite hearing the less than 5% success rate. I don't think I'm willing to go through all that for such a low success rate. DH and I both want a second child. We may eventually do donor egg but I'm not there yet emotionally.

When we talk about being one and done, DH always points to my lonely childhood experience being an only/disliking it now, and says that he doesn't want our daughter to have a similar experience. He points out the similarities in having no local family/grandparents far away/no real friends here and feels that our DD needs a sibling because of our situation. I feel the same way, and it's hard to come to terms with having just one due to infertility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes these doctors pull statistics out of the air. I wonder how he came up with 5% when you gave birth less than 2 years ago.
How old are you?

I'm 37. My AMH is .01 (almost 0). My FSH is 15. My antral follicle count is 4. In other words, all these numbers are pretty bad (I have the ovaries of a 44 year old). It's very odd that I got pregnant on the second month of trying naturally. I had an easy, healthy pregnancy and delivery. But it's unlikely I can get pregnant again. I'm not willing to go through IVF for such a low chance of success.

My AMH was low (although admittedly not as low as yours) and I did Clomid with IUI and wound up with twins on the first try. Did your RE mention Clomid? Regardless OP, I know many people without siblings who had a happy childhood that was anything but lonely.

[Anonymous]

OP, my situation is a lot like yours (except for minor details). I am also an only child (by parents' choice). Except I've always been and still am perfectly okay with this.

I guess we come to terms with this the same way we come to terms with any loss of thwarted desire. Time and daily worries about the children we have take care of it. When I was growing up, I was friends with a bunch of neighbor kids, but our parents were nothing but neighbors. Maybe focus on making sure DD has plenty of friends, rather than trying to make friends with the whole families? I'm struggling with the very same things and hope to get some ideas from this thread. Thank you for sharing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
For us, it's been about accepting the facts, taking the time to mourn the life we're not having, and then focusing on the positives of having an only--of which there are many--and making a consistent effort to help our daughter build relationships and friendships.

OP here. I guess it's hard for me to focus on the positives of being an only, though I know there are some, because I am an only and know what my experience was like. The big difference is my parents did not try to overcompensate for having no local family around by trying to make family friends/help me have good friends. They never made any friends themselves where we lived/didn't know our neighbors/weren't proactive in helping me make friends. For example, I can't remember ever being allowed to invite a friend out to dinner or when we were going somewhere. It was always just me and my parents. I don't have any friends from my school days/high school now. I haven't been back to my hometown in over 10 years b/c my parents moved away and retired elsewhere.

As a parent of an only, I will work hard to make sure my DD has a completely different experience (much more kid-friendly and having lots of friends around). I'm sure she will be able to make friends once she gets into school, but I am having a lot of difficulty making mom friends/family friends. No one seems to have the time/interest.

[Anonymous]

I am an only and also have one child (by choice).

I am sorry your childhood wasn't that great and that you feel that having siblings today might make your life more fulfilling. I have the opposite experience, so I am proof that you can be very happy and fulfilled being and having an only.

I grew up with a few kids in my neighborhood and I was involved in some activities. Girl Scouts was great for me and I am still friends with some of the girls from my troop. I was always busy, had my share of down time, and can't recall feeling lonely. My parents said I never asked or wished for a sibling. Perhaps it is personality?

My daughter is very much like me in terms of not caring whether or not she has a sibling. She is 10, well adjusted and well liked. No close family but has made friends at school and in the neighborhood so it is rare to not have someone to play with. This all happened when she started school. I agree, those mommy and me type classes aren't conducive to forming lasting bonds with many people.
When she is old enough, sign her up for girls scouts (my daughter is involved and loves it. There are 3 girls in her troop that dont have siblings, but we have a great troop and everyone finds the time to get together. Mini family.
Church is another great way to form bonds. Sunday school, youth groups...great ways to meet others.

I think you will find as she gets older, things will get much easier. It really is a shame there is a stigma attached to being an only ... it really isn't that bad at all! There are many benefits - you need to focus on them.