How to make sex a priority without making it a chore

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

How did your wife respond when you had this conversation? Did she say anything? Push back at all? Or just listen and walk away?

As I mentioned, there was some crying. She said she felt like she wasn't good enough for me. She assured me that she thought I was attractive. She said she wanted to want to have sex but she didn't. I got a vasectomy and she got off the hormonal birth control. After that, the quality of the sex got better & she definitely seemed to enjoy it more. (Without getting into too much detail, she got her periods back and during certain parts of her cycle she's a lot more responsive -- if I can actually get sex started.) For awhile, after the initial awkwardness following the sex conversation passed, the frequency increased. I think she was making a point to read erotica and to make sure she was up for sex once a week or so.

I don't mind being unapologetic about my desire to have sex with her. But, I'm not giving her an ultimatum because, frankly, if the sex doesn't get any better, I love her enough and she's good enough to me in other ways that I'm just going to suck it up and deal with it. I don't mind being unapologetic about my desire for sex, but I'd like to be able to have a conversation that's productive without making her feel bad about herself and doesn't make her view sex negatively.

(Thanks, by the way, for all of the responses.)

Testosterone peaks just before ovulation so that's why she is more interested when she has her cycle as testosterone drives a woman's sex drive.

I laughed at my doctors office about that when discussing the pill - what's the point of birth control if you don't want sex?
(we use other methods)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to go down on her. Go for it.

She doesn't hate when I go down in her but doesn't care for it enough that it will motivate her to other things. Sucks that 90% of women love it and almost require/demand it from their partners, including most I've been with, while my DW is wholly indifferent about it.

[Anonymous]

My problem was that my DH could never be satisfied with just "regular" old sex. EVERY time had to be porn worthy. Sometimes after work, kids, etc. I wouldn't mind getting off but I don't want to make a big production out of it.

I'm not saying that porno worthy is a bad thing - sometimes. Other times, a quickie would be really great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really feel for all you men. I'm a DW in the same situation. I like the approach the PP had who basically said it's going to happen once a week, we'll make it fun, etc. Unless there is a serious health issue, sex one a week should be happening in a healthy marriage.

The crying thing is not ok. It seems very manipulative...either she's way too sensitive or she's in fact manipulating you from bringing this up again. This is a valid issue you have a right to discuss in an adult manner.

I'm a DW too and DH lost interest in me sexually with my first pregnancy. I've suggested similar things to this (i.e., every day for a week!), but basically got rejected. I'd like to try this, but I'm afraid of that rejection too. Even if he said yes, I've been so demoralized sexually that I don't know how to relax and enjoy it anymore.

(I've also asked him to help me pick out lingerie he would like on me, flirting/light dirty talk and such and typically get a grimace).

Ugh. Typing it out has made me realize how hurt I am after all of this. I wish I knew how to work through it so that sex can be fun again.

[Anonymous]

DW and mom here. I've been on both sides of this equation and the only thing I know for sure is that having a libido in direct opposition to your mate is absolute hell for both. I've spent a lot of time researching this and here's what I've learned and what's worked for us:

- Women on whole are really, really bad at recognizing the physical signs of arousal. Yep, it's true. Turns out we think about sex quite a bit during the day, but we also think about a thousand other things, most of which we give priority over sex. In other words, we are so used to multi-tasking, that we can't even focus on just thinking about sex. You know how wives often joke that their husbands can only do one thing at a time? Well, you have to be able to focus on the physical exclusively to recognize you want to have sex. And this includes during sex, too. Losing that sexual focus becomes easier and easier to do the longer you've been together and the more routine things have become.

- The only way to get out of a slump is to have more sex on consecutive days in a row. It seems to jump start the hormones that makes sex more of your mind's priority (google it). Two weeks was the amount of time where I knew something had changed; where I caught myself thinking about sex and not just what else I had to get done in my day.

- There are ways to help your mind concentrate on sex and arousal. Now, this is by far the toughest step, b/c this is the first step out of inertia. And that's what you're dealing with - sludge-like inertia. What worked for me is first writing it down on the calendar during times when I thought it would be easiest to even consider sex - right after kids go to school, after lunch, late afternoon (see pp above). Basically, anytime except bedtime. Bedtime sex is death to a couple trying to get back into the groove. We had sex every single day for two weeks during these more generally off-times. Surprisingly, it created momentum that wasn't difficult to maintain (not everyday, but very frequently) and it was so frequent we had to be very honest and very open about what we liked and wanted to try.

-Now, it's going to be difficult to get going, so here is what I did when I was the low libido partner: (1) I watched hot movie scenes and occasionally porn, and i did it several times a day, including just before we were scheduled to have sex. I literally would go into the bathroom and watch porn or read erotica. Then when I felt even a little something, we'd start. Google "best sex scenes for women" and see what comes up. One of the biggest fallacies out there is that women are not visual. Bullshit. It's just that there's not much out there to cater to women's unique tastes. So find it. Or read it. Google, hottest books for women. Start there. Anything to just get a teeny tiny spark going.

-Please don't talk about it anymore in terms of "I feel" "you feel". It serves no purpose except to shine the light on everyone's inadequacies. She knows how you feel. Really. Talk kills sex when there's no connection. All you need to do is maybe show her this and tell her it's from a woman who can relate and that on such and such date you want to try this. It's going to be weird and awkward for a bit. Then it's going to get good

- Do not "grab her and fuck her" until you both have started this process, otherwise, it will make her so angry she'll just wants to cut off your balls. Now, after you both have agreed to try the two week trial and you've got a few days under your belt? Absolutely.

Remember: this is to get you out of the slump. I know it sounds clinical. All I can say is it worked for us. And it worked so well that even when he pisses me off, forgets to do the laundry, or the hundred other excuses husbands and wives give for losing desire, I still want to have sex with him

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

jfc you talk about everything else that matters don't you? I didn't ready any responses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My problem was that my DH could never be satisfied with just "regular" old sex. EVERY time had to be porn worthy. Sometimes after work, kids, etc. I wouldn't mind getting off but I don't want to make a big production out of it.

I'm not saying that porno worthy is a bad thing - sometimes. Other times, a quickie would be really great.

I don't think I want porno sex all the time, but I'll bet my DW feels a little of this. But I do find myself pushing for longer, more drawn out sex when it's been 3 weeks since the last time. If she were asking for a quickie within a week or so of the last time, I'd be all for it. But if I might not get laid again for a month, then the "fun sized" sexual encounter can be very unsatisfying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW and mom here. I've been on both sides of this equation and the only thing I know for sure is that having a libido in direct opposition to your mate is absolute hell for both. I've spent a lot of time researching this and here's what I've learned and what's worked for us:

- Women on whole are really, really bad at recognizing the physical signs of arousal. Yep, it's true. Turns out we think about sex quite a bit during the day, but we also think about a thousand other things, most of which we give priority over sex. In other words, we are so used to multi-tasking, that we can't even focus on just thinking about sex. You know how wives often joke that their husbands can only do one thing at a time? Well, you have to be able to focus on the physical exclusively to recognize you want to have sex. And this includes during sex, too. Losing that sexual focus becomes easier and easier to do the longer you've been together and the more routine things have become.

- The only way to get out of a slump is to have more sex on consecutive days in a row. It seems to jump start the hormones that makes sex more of your mind's priority (google it). Two weeks was the amount of time where I knew something had changed; where I caught myself thinking about sex and not just what else I had to get done in my day.

- There are ways to help your mind concentrate on sex and arousal. Now, this is by far the toughest step, b/c this is the first step out of inertia. And that's what you're dealing with - sludge-like inertia. What worked for me is first writing it down on the calendar during times when I thought it would be easiest to even consider sex - right after kids go to school, after lunch, late afternoon (see pp above). Basically, anytime except bedtime. Bedtime sex is death to a couple trying to get back into the groove. We had sex every single day for two weeks during these more generally off-times. Surprisingly, it created momentum that wasn't difficult to maintain (not everyday, but very frequently) and it was so frequent we had to be very honest and very open about what we liked and wanted to try.

-Now, it's going to be difficult to get going, so here is what I did when I was the low libido partner: (1) I watched hot movie scenes and occasionally porn, and i did it several times a day, including just before we were scheduled to have sex. I literally would go into the bathroom and watch porn or read erotica. Then when I felt even a little something, we'd start. Google "best sex scenes for women" and see what comes up. One of the biggest fallacies out there is that women are not visual. Bullshit. It's just that there's not much out there to cater to women's unique tastes. So find it. Or read it. Google, hottest books for women. Start there. Anything to just get a teeny tiny spark going.

-Please don't talk about it anymore in terms of "I feel" "you feel". It serves no purpose except to shine the light on everyone's inadequacies. She knows how you feel. Really. Talk kills sex when there's no connection. All you need to do is maybe show her this and tell her it's from a woman who can relate and that on such and such date you want to try this. It's going to be weird and awkward for a bit. Then it's going to get good

- Do not "grab her and fuck her" until you both have started this process, otherwise, it will make her so angry she'll just wants to cut off your balls. Now, after you both have agreed to try the two week trial and you've got a few days under your belt? Absolutely.

Remember: this is to get you out of the slump. I know it sounds clinical. All I can say is it worked for us. And it worked so well that even when he pisses me off, forgets to do the laundry, or the hundred other excuses husbands and wives give for losing desire, I still want to have sex with him

Good luck.

Great insights here. How did you guys go about starting the two week "jump start"? How did the conversation leading up to that go? Who was the low drive partner at the time and who suggested every day for two weeks?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My problem was that my DH could never be satisfied with just "regular" old sex. EVERY time had to be porn worthy. Sometimes after work, kids, etc. I wouldn't mind getting off but I don't want to make a big production out of it.

I'm not saying that porno worthy is a bad thing - sometimes. Other times, a quickie would be really great.

I don't think I want porno sex all the time, but I'll bet my DW feels a little of this. But I do find myself pushing for longer, more drawn out sex when it's been 3 weeks since the last time. If she were asking for a quickie within a week or so of the last time, I'd be all for it. But if I might not get laid again for a month, then the "fun sized" sexual encounter can be very unsatisfying.

As a DH that gets sex once a month I understand PP. I really want to please DW, but when she's accelerating full blast towards just getting me into the missionary spot and forgoing any offers of oral or other prelims I know it's just maintenance sex and that she wants it over with asap. But that resets the clock for her and it'll be weeks before we'll have sex again.

It sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW and mom here. I've been on both sides of this equation and the only thing I know for sure is that having a libido in direct opposition to your mate is absolute hell for both. I've spent a lot of time researching this and here's what I've learned and what's worked for us:

- Women on whole are really, really bad at recognizing the physical signs of arousal. Yep, it's true. Turns out we think about sex quite a bit during the day, but we also think about a thousand other things, most of which we give priority over sex. In other words, we are so used to multi-tasking, that we can't even focus on just thinking about sex. You know how wives often joke that their husbands can only do one thing at a time? Well, you have to be able to focus on the physical exclusively to recognize you want to have sex. And this includes during sex, too. Losing that sexual focus becomes easier and easier to do the longer you've been together and the more routine things have become.

- The only way to get out of a slump is to have more sex on consecutive days in a row. It seems to jump start the hormones that makes sex more of your mind's priority (google it). Two weeks was the amount of time where I knew something had changed; where I caught myself thinking about sex and not just what else I had to get done in my day.

- There are ways to help your mind concentrate on sex and arousal. Now, this is by far the toughest step, b/c this is the first step out of inertia. And that's what you're dealing with - sludge-like inertia. What worked for me is first writing it down on the calendar during times when I thought it would be easiest to even consider sex - right after kids go to school, after lunch, late afternoon (see pp above). Basically, anytime except bedtime. Bedtime sex is death to a couple trying to get back into the groove. We had sex every single day for two weeks during these more generally off-times. Surprisingly, it created momentum that wasn't difficult to maintain (not everyday, but very frequently) and it was so frequent we had to be very honest and very open about what we liked and wanted to try.

-Now, it's going to be difficult to get going, so here is what I did when I was the low libido partner: (1) I watched hot movie scenes and occasionally porn, and i did it several times a day, including just before we were scheduled to have sex. I literally would go into the bathroom and watch porn or read erotica. Then when I felt even a little something, we'd start. Google "best sex scenes for women" and see what comes up. One of the biggest fallacies out there is that women are not visual. Bullshit. It's just that there's not much out there to cater to women's unique tastes. So find it. Or read it. Google, hottest books for women. Start there. Anything to just get a teeny tiny spark going.

-Please don't talk about it anymore in terms of "I feel" "you feel". It serves no purpose except to shine the light on everyone's inadequacies. She knows how you feel. Really. Talk kills sex when there's no connection. All you need to do is maybe show her this and tell her it's from a woman who can relate and that on such and such date you want to try this. It's going to be weird and awkward for a bit. Then it's going to get good

- Do not "grab her and fuck her" until you both have started this process, otherwise, it will make her so angry she'll just wants to cut off your balls. Now, after you both have agreed to try the two week trial and you've got a few days under your belt? Absolutely.

Remember: this is to get you out of the slump. I know it sounds clinical. All I can say is it worked for us. And it worked so well that even when he pisses me off, forgets to do the laundry, or the hundred other excuses husbands and wives give for losing desire, I still want to have sex with him

Good luck.

I'm a 48 year old gal and I'm always ready to go with DH. He's more of a once/week guy I'm more of a twice. Most times with the man is pretty memorable. It's not like it's porno sex each time but it's sweet and fun. He's pretty good at it.
All gals definitely don't need difficult 'revving up' scenarios.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I'm a 48 year old gal and I'm always ready to go with DH. He's more of a once/week guy I'm more of a twice. Most times with the man is pretty memorable. It's not like it's porno sex each time but it's sweet and fun. He's pretty good at it.
All gals definitely don't need difficult 'revving up' scenarios.

Have you and your DH been married for awhile? Did you have this dynamic through your 30s?

I only ask because I've seen a couple of themes around these parts:

1. Divorced women who get into a new relationship in their 40s and find that sexual spark again.
2. Women who were weighed down by insecurities and child-rearing through their 30s who found themselves sexually through a combination of self-confidence, kids growing up, and hormonal shifts.

Just wondered if any of that applied or if you and your husband had always had a pretty good sexual dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My problem was that my DH could never be satisfied with just "regular" old sex. EVERY time had to be porn worthy. Sometimes after work, kids, etc. I wouldn't mind getting off but I don't want to make a big production out of it.

I'm not saying that porno worthy is a bad thing - sometimes. Other times, a quickie would be really great.

I don't think I want porno sex all the time, but I'll bet my DW feels a little of this. But I do find myself pushing for longer, more drawn out sex when it's been 3 weeks since the last time. If she were asking for a quickie within a week or so of the last time, I'd be all for it. But if I might not get laid again for a month, then the "fun sized" sexual encounter can be very unsatisfying.

As a DH that gets sex once a month I understand PP. I really want to please DW, but when she's accelerating full blast towards just getting me into the missionary spot and forgoing any offers of oral or other prelims I know it's just maintenance sex and that she wants it over with asap. But that resets the clock for her and it'll be weeks before we'll have sex again.

It sucks.

Can't you say that to her? It seems pretty cut and dry to me - it feels just like you are checking a chore off your list here.
Can you give her a list of some things you would like her to do? How would she take that?
And please no one just buy her lingerie and hope for the best - it seems that specific instructions are needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My problem was that my DH could never be satisfied with just "regular" old sex. EVERY time had to be porn worthy. Sometimes after work, kids, etc. I wouldn't mind getting off but I don't want to make a big production out of it.

I'm not saying that porno worthy is a bad thing - sometimes. Other times, a quickie would be really great.

I don't think I want porno sex all the time, but I'll bet my DW feels a little of this. But I do find myself pushing for longer, more drawn out sex when it's been 3 weeks since the last time. If she were asking for a quickie within a week or so of the last time, I'd be all for it. But if I might not get laid again for a month, then the "fun sized" sexual encounter can be very unsatisfying.

As a DH that gets sex once a month I understand PP. I really want to please DW, but when she's accelerating full blast towards just getting me into the missionary spot and forgoing any offers of oral or other prelims I know it's just maintenance sex and that she wants it over with asap. But that resets the clock for her and it'll be weeks before we'll have sex again.

It sucks.

Can't you say that to her? It seems pretty cut and dry to me - it feels just like you are checking a chore off your list here.
Can you give her a list of some things you would like her to do? How would she take that?
And please no one just buy her lingerie and hope for the best - it seems that specific instructions are needed.

We've had this discussion. She simply declares that she's generally lost interest in sex and has no sex drive anymore. Sorry. And while she's never come out directly and stated that if I don't like what I get then I won't get anything at all, that's generally the implication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I'm a 48 year old gal and I'm always ready to go with DH. He's more of a once/week guy I'm more of a twice. Most times with the man is pretty memorable. It's not like it's porno sex each time but it's sweet and fun. He's pretty good at it.
All gals definitely don't need difficult 'revving up' scenarios.

Have you and your DH been married for awhile? Did you have this dynamic through your 30s?

I only ask because I've seen a couple of themes around these parts:

1. Divorced women who get into a new relationship in their 40s and find that sexual spark again.
2. Women who were weighed down by insecurities and child-rearing through their 30s who found themselves sexually through a combination of self-confidence, kids growing up, and hormonal shifts.

Just wondered if any of that applied or if you and your husband had always had a pretty good sexual dynamic.

Married a long time now. 23 years plus 5 years of being friends 1 year of dating.

We didn't always have that sexual dynamic. He actually gets stressed about stuff and would not want much sex.
For a while there I realized that we were only having frequent sex on vacations where there was no work stress (he told me that too).
What has been a constant is that he is always been good at it. So, when I do get it I'm pretty happy.
It has taken some convincing to get him on board to have sex more often but now he is and it's a nice life.
I feel connected and happy (and I will do whatever...).
I think one of his friends might have tipped him off that hey sex actually helps with stress because I noticed an increased willingness
these past few years.
What I don't do is resent any prior droughts or bad moods on his part. I'm just happy for what we do have.
I don't know - he's a pretty good looking healthy guy (stress not withstanding) too so it's a pretty easy sale.

A long marriage has many ups and downs I suppose. It can be worth sticking around for the ups.

I do have girlfriends whose husbands text them to 'be naked when they get home' and they are and I don't hear complaints.
It helps to talk about these things and stay connected I think (gal friends talk a lot about specifics).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My problem was that my DH could never be satisfied with just "regular" old sex. EVERY time had to be porn worthy. Sometimes after work, kids, etc. I wouldn't mind getting off but I don't want to make a big production out of it.

I'm not saying that porno worthy is a bad thing - sometimes. Other times, a quickie would be really great.

I don't think I want porno sex all the time, but I'll bet my DW feels a little of this. But I do find myself pushing for longer, more drawn out sex when it's been 3 weeks since the last time. If she were asking for a quickie within a week or so of the last time, I'd be all for it. But if I might not get laid again for a month, then the "fun sized" sexual encounter can be very unsatisfying.

As a DH that gets sex once a month I understand PP. I really want to please DW, but when she's accelerating full blast towards just getting me into the missionary spot and forgoing any offers of oral or other prelims I know it's just maintenance sex and that she wants it over with asap. But that resets the clock for her and it'll be weeks before we'll have sex again.

It sucks.

Is she menopausal? That can kill sex drive for women.
Does she offer oral ? Seems like that would be nice.

Can't you say that to her? It seems pretty cut and dry to me - it feels just like you are checking a chore off your list here.
Can you give her a list of some things you would like her to do? How would she take that?
And please no one just buy her lingerie and hope for the best - it seems that specific instructions are needed.

We've had this discussion. She simply declares that she's generally lost interest in sex and has no sex drive anymore. Sorry. And while she's never come out directly and stated that if I don't like what I get then I won't get anything at all, that's generally the implication.