How to make sex a priority without making it a chore

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My problem was that my DH could never be satisfied with just "regular" old sex. EVERY time had to be porn worthy. Sometimes after work, kids, etc. I wouldn't mind getting off but I don't want to make a big production out of it.

I'm not saying that porno worthy is a bad thing - sometimes. Other times, a quickie would be really great.

I don't think I want porno sex all the time, but I'll bet my DW feels a little of this. But I do find myself pushing for longer, more drawn out sex when it's been 3 weeks since the last time. If she were asking for a quickie within a week or so of the last time, I'd be all for it. But if I might not get laid again for a month, then the "fun sized" sexual encounter can be very unsatisfying.

As a DH that gets sex once a month I understand PP. I really want to please DW, but when she's accelerating full blast towards just getting me into the missionary spot and forgoing any offers of oral or other prelims I know it's just maintenance sex and that she wants it over with asap. But that resets the clock for her and it'll be weeks before we'll have sex again.

It sucks.

Is she menopausal? That can kill sex drive for women.
Does she offer oral ? Seems like that would be nice.

Can't you say that to her? It seems pretty cut and dry to me - it feels just like you are checking a chore off your list here.
Can you give her a list of some things you would like her to do? How would she take that?
And please no one just buy her lingerie and hope for the best - it seems that specific instructions are needed.

We've had this discussion. She simply declares that she's generally lost interest in sex and has no sex drive anymore. Sorry. And while she's never come out directly and stated that if I don't like what I get then I won't get anything at all, that's generally the implication.

Is she menopausal? That can kill sex drive for women.
Does she offer oral ? Seems like that would be nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get that timidity is a turn off, but when you are really not in the fucking mood for sex, how do you respond to a forceful, aggressive insistence on sex by your DH?

Yeah, DH here...I'd like to know the answer to this too, because a couple of "plow ahead with a lukewarm partner" episodes have ended in tears (hers) and feeling very rapey (me). Not really wanting to go there again.

Well, remember the "take charge, no wimpy initiations" is from the women's perspective, and it works for them because 1) if it is successful, it is much hotter to be taken by a man who is raging with desire for you than someone lightly stroking your arm kinda sorta wondering if you might want to have sex later but no biggie if not, or 2) if they really aren't in the mood, they can tell their husbands "no".

The problem for men, is if you turn on the alpha-tear her clothes off routine, and you get the hard "no" it is an overt rejection that can really sting the ego. So women advocate the hard come on because they don't have to risk the brutal rejection.

Sort of like how men tell high libido women asking how to turn on their low libido husbands: just put on some lingerie and take out his penis and give him a BJ. Sure, that works for most men, but low libido men aren't most men and can you even imagine the destruction to a woman's self esteem when her low libido husband rejects THAT advance.

I'm the higher libido wife in the last paragraph of this post. Killed my self esteem, so in response I began to work out like crazy to burn off energy and get in amazing shape. Now, even though I'm in my late 40s, I have several hot men after me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really feel for all you men. I'm a DW in the same situation. I like the approach the PP had who basically said it's going to happen once a week, we'll make it fun, etc. Unless there is a serious health issue, sex one a week should be happening in a healthy marriage.

The crying thing is not ok. It seems very manipulative...either she's way too sensitive or she's in fact manipulating you from bringing this up again. This is a valid issue you have a right to discuss in an adult manner.

I'm a DW too and DH lost interest in me sexually with my first pregnancy. I've suggested similar things to this (i.e., every day for a week!), but basically got rejected. I'd like to try this, but I'm afraid of that rejection too. Even if he said yes, I've been so demoralized sexually that I don't know how to relax and enjoy it anymore.

(I've also asked him to help me pick out lingerie he would like on me, flirting/light dirty talk and such and typically get a grimace).

Ugh. Typing it out has made me realize how hurt I am after all of this. I wish I knew how to work through it so that sex can be fun again.

I'm sorry to say but the only way I got over the hurt was feeling attractive to other men. Helped me realize it truly is my H, not me. It's ironic, because he's really let himself go, but I'm in better shape than when we met (although I have a few more pounds), yet I'm the one who initiates 100% of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I'm a 48 year old gal and I'm always ready to go with DH. He's more of a once/week guy I'm more of a twice. Most times with the man is pretty memorable. It's not like it's porno sex each time but it's sweet and fun. He's pretty good at it.
All gals definitely don't need difficult 'revving up' scenarios.

Have you and your DH been married for awhile? Did you have this dynamic through your 30s?

I only ask because I've seen a couple of themes around these parts:

1. Divorced women who get into a new relationship in their 40s and find that sexual spark again.
2. Women who were weighed down by insecurities and child-rearing through their 30s who found themselves sexually through a combination of self-confidence, kids growing up, and hormonal shifts.

Just wondered if any of that applied or if you and your husband had always had a pretty good sexual dynamic.

Married a long time now. 23 years plus 5 years of being friends 1 year of dating.

We didn't always have that sexual dynamic. He actually gets stressed about stuff and would not want much sex.
For a while there I realized that we were only having frequent sex on vacations where there was no work stress (he told me that too).
What has been a constant is that he is always been good at it. So, when I do get it I'm pretty happy.
It has taken some convincing to get him on board to have sex more often but now he is and it's a nice life.
I feel connected and happy (and I will do whatever...).
I think one of his friends might have tipped him off that hey sex actually helps with stress because I noticed an increased willingness
these past few years.
What I don't do is resent any prior droughts or bad moods on his part. I'm just happy for what we do have.
I don't know - he's a pretty good looking healthy guy (stress not withstanding) too so it's a pretty easy sale.

A long marriage has many ups and downs I suppose. It can be worth sticking around for the ups.

I do have girlfriends whose husbands text them to 'be naked when they get home' and they are and I don't hear complaints.
It helps to talk about these things and stay connected I think (gal friends talk a lot about specifics).

My sex drive has not fluctuated as of yet. My husband used to think I was too much but twice a week is not too much for most guys I would not think.
Sex is a gift - of intimacy and fun with a partner.

My husband isn't really good at the day to day stuff like touching during the day, hand holding, just attention and affection during everyday life.
I'll bet that would help many women desire their men.

Do people teach their daughters this kind of thing? I have a friend whose mom taught the daughters that sex was nasty a chore to get over with and I did notice their husbands fleeing pretty early on. That's a terrible thing to teach your kids (and no they were not religious).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My problem was that my DH could never be satisfied with just "regular" old sex. EVERY time had to be porn worthy. Sometimes after work, kids, etc. I wouldn't mind getting off but I don't want to make a big production out of it.

I'm not saying that porno worthy is a bad thing - sometimes. Other times, a quickie would be really great.

I don't think I want porno sex all the time, but I'll bet my DW feels a little of this. But I do find myself pushing for longer, more drawn out sex when it's been 3 weeks since the last time. If she were asking for a quickie within a week or so of the last time, I'd be all for it. But if I might not get laid again for a month, then the "fun sized" sexual encounter can be very unsatisfying.

As a DH that gets sex once a month I understand PP. I really want to please DW, but when she's accelerating full blast towards just getting me into the missionary spot and forgoing any offers of oral or other prelims I know it's just maintenance sex and that she wants it over with asap. But that resets the clock for her and it'll be weeks before we'll have sex again.

It sucks.

Is she menopausal? That can kill sex drive for women.
Does she offer oral ? Seems like that would be nice.

Can't you say that to her? It seems pretty cut and dry to me - it feels just like you are checking a chore off your list here.
Can you give her a list of some things you would like her to do? How would she take that?
And please no one just buy her lingerie and hope for the best - it seems that specific instructions are needed.

We've had this discussion. She simply declares that she's generally lost interest in sex and has no sex drive anymore. Sorry. And while she's never come out directly and stated that if I don't like what I get then I won't get anything at all, that's generally the implication.

Is she menopausal? That can kill sex drive for women.
Does she offer oral ? Seems like that would be nice.

Yes. She's 52 and through menopause. That is definitely a factor, but her libido had already started declining before that. Still, yes a factor.

As far as oral...nope. She hasn't done that in years and won't even do something simple like a HJ if she's not into having sex. If she's not in the mood, it's nada.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My problem was that my DH could never be satisfied with just "regular" old sex. EVERY time had to be porn worthy. Sometimes after work, kids, etc. I wouldn't mind getting off but I don't want to make a big production out of it.

I'm not saying that porno worthy is a bad thing - sometimes. Other times, a quickie would be really great.

I don't think I want porno sex all the time, but I'll bet my DW feels a little of this. But I do find myself pushing for longer, more drawn out sex when it's been 3 weeks since the last time. If she were asking for a quickie within a week or so of the last time, I'd be all for it. But if I might not get laid again for a month, then the "fun sized" sexual encounter can be very unsatisfying.

As a DH that gets sex once a month I understand PP. I really want to please DW, but when she's accelerating full blast towards just getting me into the missionary spot and forgoing any offers of oral or other prelims I know it's just maintenance sex and that she wants it over with asap. But that resets the clock for her and it'll be weeks before we'll have sex again.

It sucks.

Can't you say that to her? It seems pretty cut and dry to me - it feels just like you are checking a chore off your list here.
Can you give her a list of some things you would like her to do? How would she take that?
And please no one just buy her lingerie and hope for the best - it seems that specific instructions are needed.

I was (still occasionally am) in your boat, and it is soul crushing. My DW got off hormonal birth control, the youngest turned 5 and it has been somewhat better. We used to have sex 2-3 x a month, always a chore to her. Now we are 4-6x a month and she is more into it and that is the real difference. I can deal with once a week if she is have sex with me, not just taking it.

What I can tell you is there is very little you can do to change the situation. Your DW will come around or she won't. It is incredibly cruel for your DW not to make at least a weekly effort to have a fun sex life. Only bit of advice that I can give you that helped me (and us) is I became selfish with my evenings, I went out with friends, went to the gym, joined a club, and stopped trying to scramble home, help around the house, offer massages and all that other stuff that people suggest would help with my DW's libido. It helped that I wasn't sitting around stewing up to my eyeballs in sexual frustration and I could burn off the energy at the gym or go out and flirt with other women which helps the feelings of rejection.

No idea if her drive raised because of BC, kids getting older, her feeling like I was slipping away or having an affair, or some combination.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get that timidity is a turn off, but when you are really not in the fucking mood for sex, how do you respond to a forceful, aggressive insistence on sex by your DH?

Yeah, DH here...I'd like to know the answer to this too, because a couple of "plow ahead with a lukewarm partner" episodes have ended in tears (hers) and feeling very rapey (me). Not really wanting to go there again.

Well, remember the "take charge, no wimpy initiations" is from the women's perspective, and it works for them because 1) if it is successful, it is much hotter to be taken by a man who is raging with desire for you than someone lightly stroking your arm kinda sorta wondering if you might want to have sex later but no biggie if not, or 2) if they really aren't in the mood, they can tell their husbands "no".

The problem for men, is if you turn on the alpha-tear her clothes off routine, and you get the hard "no" it is an overt rejection that can really sting the ego. So women advocate the hard come on because they don't have to risk the brutal rejection.

Sort of like how men tell high libido women asking how to turn on their low libido husbands: just put on some lingerie and take out his penis and give him a BJ. Sure, that works for most men, but low libido men aren't most men and can you even imagine the destruction to a woman's self esteem when her low libido husband rejects THAT advance.

Correct. And the "take charge and no wimpy initiations" advice generally comes from non-low libido people, because they respond to that. A low libido DW who isn't already in the mood is NOT going to respond to that approach in a positive manner. I see all the time advice to "just grab her and kiss her passionately." If I did that to DW out of the blue she'd likely kick me in the nuts. No joke.

Normal and high libido folks give crappy advice because they don't understand that when a low libido DW doesn't want sex, THEY DON'T WANT SEX, and you're not going to change their minds with romance novel tricks.

[Anonymous]

Wellbutrin

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My problem was that my DH could never be satisfied with just "regular" old sex. EVERY time had to be porn worthy. Sometimes after work, kids, etc. I wouldn't mind getting off but I don't want to make a big production out of it.

I'm not saying that porno worthy is a bad thing - sometimes. Other times, a quickie would be really great.

I don't think I want porno sex all the time, but I'll bet my DW feels a little of this. But I do find myself pushing for longer, more drawn out sex when it's been 3 weeks since the last time. If she were asking for a quickie within a week or so of the last time, I'd be all for it. But if I might not get laid again for a month, then the "fun sized" sexual encounter can be very unsatisfying.

As a DH that gets sex once a month I understand PP. I really want to please DW, but when she's accelerating full blast towards just getting me into the missionary spot and forgoing any offers of oral or other prelims I know it's just maintenance sex and that she wants it over with asap. But that resets the clock for her and it'll be weeks before we'll have sex again.

It sucks.

Is she menopausal? That can kill sex drive for women.
Does she offer oral ? Seems like that would be nice.

Can't you say that to her? It seems pretty cut and dry to me - it feels just like you are checking a chore off your list here.
Can you give her a list of some things you would like her to do? How would she take that?
And please no one just buy her lingerie and hope for the best - it seems that specific instructions are needed.

We've had this discussion. She simply declares that she's generally lost interest in sex and has no sex drive anymore. Sorry. And while she's never come out directly and stated that if I don't like what I get then I won't get anything at all, that's generally the implication.

Is she menopausal? That can kill sex drive for women.
Does she offer oral ? Seems like that would be nice.

Yes. She's 52 and through menopause. That is definitely a factor, but her libido had already started declining before that. Still, yes a factor.

As far as oral...nope. She hasn't done that in years and won't even do something simple like a HJ if she's not into having sex. If she's not in the mood, it's nada.

Well, a woman's testosterone levels and thus her sex drive peak at ovulation. Things can start to get dicey before menopause as fertility wanes.

When there is no ovulation and no functioning ovaries there isn't a lot of sex drive or sexual feeling even going on.

That's why they are trying to find a 'viagra for women'. You can go to a bio identical hormone doctor to get some testosterone but it's not really mainstream yet. I guess the gal has to want to go. Her body has been through hell with menopause probably maybe she's just recovering and getting herself together. Would she try that do you think?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My problem was that my DH could never be satisfied with just "regular" old sex. EVERY time had to be porn worthy. Sometimes after work, kids, etc. I wouldn't mind getting off but I don't want to make a big production out of it.

I'm not saying that porno worthy is a bad thing - sometimes. Other times, a quickie would be really great.

I don't think I want porno sex all the time, but I'll bet my DW feels a little of this. But I do find myself pushing for longer, more drawn out sex when it's been 3 weeks since the last time. If she were asking for a quickie within a week or so of the last time, I'd be all for it. But if I might not get laid again for a month, then the "fun sized" sexual encounter can be very unsatisfying.

As a DH that gets sex once a month I understand PP. I really want to please DW, but when she's accelerating full blast towards just getting me into the missionary spot and forgoing any offers of oral or other prelims I know it's just maintenance sex and that she wants it over with asap. But that resets the clock for her and it'll be weeks before we'll have sex again.

It sucks.

Is she menopausal? That can kill sex drive for women.
Does she offer oral ? Seems like that would be nice.

Can't you say that to her? It seems pretty cut and dry to me - it feels just like you are checking a chore off your list here.
Can you give her a list of some things you would like her to do? How would she take that?
And please no one just buy her lingerie and hope for the best - it seems that specific instructions are needed.

We've had this discussion. She simply declares that she's generally lost interest in sex and has no sex drive anymore. Sorry. And while she's never come out directly and stated that if I don't like what I get then I won't get anything at all, that's generally the implication.

Is she menopausal? That can kill sex drive for women.
Does she offer oral ? Seems like that would be nice.

Yes. She's 52 and through menopause. That is definitely a factor, but her libido had already started declining before that. Still, yes a factor.

As far as oral...nope. She hasn't done that in years and won't even do something simple like a HJ if she's not into having sex. If she's not in the mood, it's nada.

Well, a woman's testosterone levels and thus her sex drive peak at ovulation. Things can start to get dicey before menopause as fertility wanes.

When there is no ovulation and no functioning ovaries there isn't a lot of sex drive or sexual feeling even going on.

That's why they are trying to find a 'viagra for women'. You can go to a bio identical hormone doctor to get some testosterone but it's not really mainstream yet. I guess the gal has to want to go. Her body has been through hell with menopause probably maybe she's just recovering and getting herself together. Would she try that do you think?

While I do believe that she regrets her lack of desire, I don't think she'd be willing to do something not in the mainstream in an attempt to resuscitate it and I'd never pressure her into trying something that she wasn't comfortable with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Communication is supposedly key, but I can't figure out how to go about letting my wife know that I think sex needs to be more of a priority without turning it into a chore.

Since I'm the one who wants sex more, I know that I'm the one who has to put most of the effort into our sex life. I've tried to do what I can: improve my appearance, more chores, dates, give her more "me" time, massages, nonsexual touch, avoid pressuring her for sex, make sure she has an orgasm, etc. None of it seems to move the meter in terms of our sexual frequency. She seems to just forget about it and lets life get in the way. So, much as I would like her to just spontaneously want to have sex with me, I think the missing element is her making sex a priority.

It's probably been two years or more since the last time I discussed my concerns over the lack of frequency in our sex life. It didn't go terribly well. She cried. I felt horrible for making her cry. She said she felt like a bad wife and like I was going to divorce her. I said there was no way I was going to divorce her. Then sex got more awkward.

For what it's worth, we have sex about once every 3 weeks. I'd be happy with once a week. Our youngest kid is 10 years old.

Anyway, I don't know if it's possible to discuss the matter without making her sad and making her feel pressured and awkward about the sex we do have.

You need to head over to "Married Man Sex Life"

You need to have more of a backbone, and it's not good for attraction for a woman to have zero fear that she can lose you. She should trust that you are a good, faithful guy but also know that you have expectations for your life and your marriage that you will not compromise on. It's ok for once-a-week sex to be one of them.

Your wife is never going to want to spontaneously want to have sex with you. You need to get that out of your head if that hasn't been something that's been true in your marriage to date.

You have to get comfortable insisting on sex and pushing your initiation through to a "hard no". That's controversial I know. If it helps, I'm a woman.

I can be completely tepid towards my husband sexually during certain periods and if he insists on sex and just goes for me (not rape because I didn't say NOOOO and if I did he would stop).

The reason this is effective is because women HATE when the burden of sex is on them. When they have to perform. So, if you want sex, you can't weakly initiate and expect her to start getting into it. You have to just go for it. Start kissing her, and insist on sex. Don't make her feel like she has to perform. Then screw the crap out of her. If she's anything like me she'll start really liking that.

I'll probably get crucified for this post but I think it is good advice.

Married woman here. I completely agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get that timidity is a turn off, but when you are really not in the fucking mood for sex, how do you respond to a forceful, aggressive insistence on sex by your DH?

Yeah, DH here...I'd like to know the answer to this too, because a couple of "plow ahead with a lukewarm partner" episodes have ended in tears (hers) and feeling very rapey (me). Not really wanting to go there again.

Well, remember the "take charge, no wimpy initiations" is from the women's perspective, and it works for them because 1) if it is successful, it is much hotter to be taken by a man who is raging with desire for you than someone lightly stroking your arm kinda sorta wondering if you might want to have sex later but no biggie if not, or 2) if they really aren't in the mood, they can tell their husbands "no".

The problem for men, is if you turn on the alpha-tear her clothes off routine, and you get the hard "no" it is an overt rejection that can really sting the ego. So women advocate the hard come on because they don't have to risk the brutal rejection.

Sort of like how men tell high libido women asking how to turn on their low libido husbands: just put on some lingerie and take out his penis and give him a BJ. Sure, that works for most men, but low libido men aren't most men and can you even imagine the destruction to a woman's self esteem when her low libido husband rejects THAT advance.

Correct. And the "take charge and no wimpy initiations" advice generally comes from non-low libido people, because they respond to that. A low libido DW who isn't already in the mood is NOT going to respond to that approach in a positive manner. I see all the time advice to "just grab her and kiss her passionately." If I did that to DW out of the blue she'd likely kick me in the nuts. No joke.

Normal and high libido folks give crappy advice because they don't understand that when a low libido DW doesn't want sex, THEY DON'T WANT SEX, and you're not going to change their minds with romance novel tricks.

I disagree. I am low drive and think that if my husband acted like he had to have me that it might turn me on. Whimpering up next to me like a puppy dog does NOT work fo rme.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My problem was that my DH could never be satisfied with just "regular" old sex. EVERY time had to be porn worthy. Sometimes after work, kids, etc. I wouldn't mind getting off but I don't want to make a big production out of it.

I'm not saying that porno worthy is a bad thing - sometimes. Other times, a quickie would be really great.

I don't think I want porno sex all the time, but I'll bet my DW feels a little of this. But I do find myself pushing for longer, more drawn out sex when it's been 3 weeks since the last time. If she were asking for a quickie within a week or so of the last time, I'd be all for it. But if I might not get laid again for a month, then the "fun sized" sexual encounter can be very unsatisfying.

As a DH that gets sex once a month I understand PP. I really want to please DW, but when she's accelerating full blast towards just getting me into the missionary spot and forgoing any offers of oral or other prelims I know it's just maintenance sex and that she wants it over with asap. But that resets the clock for her and it'll be weeks before we'll have sex again.

It sucks.

Can't you say that to her? It seems pretty cut and dry to me - it feels just like you are checking a chore off your list here.
Can you give her a list of some things you would like her to do? How would she take that?
And please no one just buy her lingerie and hope for the best - it seems that specific instructions are needed.

I was (still occasionally am) in your boat, and it is soul crushing. My DW got off hormonal birth control, the youngest turned 5 and it has been somewhat better. We used to have sex 2-3 x a month, always a chore to her. Now we are 4-6x a month and she is more into it and that is the real difference. I can deal with once a week if she is have sex with me, not just taking it.

What I can tell you is there is very little you can do to change the situation. Your DW will come around or she won't. It is incredibly cruel for your DW not to make at least a weekly effort to have a fun sex life. Only bit of advice that I can give you that helped me (and us) is I became selfish with my evenings, I went out with friends, went to the gym, joined a club, and stopped trying to scramble home, help around the house, offer massages and all that other stuff that people suggest would help with my DW's libido. It helped that I wasn't sitting around stewing up to my eyeballs in sexual frustration and I could burn off the energy at the gym or go out and flirt with other women which helps the feelings of rejection.

No idea if her drive raised because of BC, kids getting older, her feeling like I was slipping away or having an affair, or some combination.

So you basically dumped the kids and household duties in the evenings on your wife because she wouldn't have sex with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get that timidity is a turn off, but when you are really not in the fucking mood for sex, how do you respond to a forceful, aggressive insistence on sex by your DH?

Yeah, DH here...I'd like to know the answer to this too, because a couple of "plow ahead with a lukewarm partner" episodes have ended in tears (hers) and feeling very rapey (me). Not really wanting to go there again.

Well, remember the "take charge, no wimpy initiations" is from the women's perspective, and it works for them because 1) if it is successful, it is much hotter to be taken by a man who is raging with desire for you than someone lightly stroking your arm kinda sorta wondering if you might want to have sex later but no biggie if not, or 2) if they really aren't in the mood, they can tell their husbands "no".

The problem for men, is if you turn on the alpha-tear her clothes off routine, and you get the hard "no" it is an overt rejection that can really sting the ego. So women advocate the hard come on because they don't have to risk the brutal rejection.

Sort of like how men tell high libido women asking how to turn on their low libido husbands: just put on some lingerie and take out his penis and give him a BJ. Sure, that works for most men, but low libido men aren't most men and can you even imagine the destruction to a woman's self esteem when her low libido husband rejects THAT advance.

Correct. And the "take charge and no wimpy initiations" advice generally comes from non-low libido people, because they respond to that. A low libido DW who isn't already in the mood is NOT going to respond to that approach in a positive manner. I see all the time advice to "just grab her and kiss her passionately." If I did that to DW out of the blue she'd likely kick me in the nuts. No joke.

Normal and high libido folks give crappy advice because they don't understand that when a low libido DW doesn't want sex, THEY DON'T WANT SEX, and you're not going to change their minds with romance novel tricks.

I tried for over 10 years to get my H to want me, want sex. You're right, there's no trick that will work. What I don't get is why I had to hide evidence I was taking care of myself, lest he get insulted. Better than an affair, eh, dude?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get that timidity is a turn off, but when you are really not in the fucking mood for sex, how do you respond to a forceful, aggressive insistence on sex by your DH?

Yeah, DH here...I'd like to know the answer to this too, because a couple of "plow ahead with a lukewarm partner" episodes have ended in tears (hers) and feeling very rapey (me). Not really wanting to go there again.

Well, remember the "take charge, no wimpy initiations" is from the women's perspective, and it works for them because 1) if it is successful, it is much hotter to be taken by a man who is raging with desire for you than someone lightly stroking your arm kinda sorta wondering if you might want to have sex later but no biggie if not, or 2) if they really aren't in the mood, they can tell their husbands "no".

The problem for men, is if you turn on the alpha-tear her clothes off routine, and you get the hard "no" it is an overt rejection that can really sting the ego. So women advocate the hard come on because they don't have to risk the brutal rejection.

Sort of like how men tell high libido women asking how to turn on their low libido husbands: just put on some lingerie and take out his penis and give him a BJ. Sure, that works for most men, but low libido men aren't most men and can you even imagine the destruction to a woman's self esteem when her low libido husband rejects THAT advance.

Correct. And the "take charge and no wimpy initiations" advice generally comes from non-low libido people, because they respond to that. A low libido DW who isn't already in the mood is NOT going to respond to that approach in a positive manner. I see all the time advice to "just grab her and kiss her passionately." If I did that to DW out of the blue she'd likely kick me in the nuts. No joke.

Normal and high libido folks give crappy advice because they don't understand that when a low libido DW doesn't want sex, THEY DON'T WANT SEX, and you're not going to change their minds with romance novel tricks.

I disagree. I am low drive and think that if my husband acted like he had to have me that it might turn me on. Whimpering up next to me like a puppy dog does NOT work fo rme.

Obviously whimpering like a puppy or sulking isn't going to work. No quibble there. But as a DH to a low libido DW and I guarantee that the advice above definitely would not work on her. But each woman is different.

Getting DW in the mood is like building a house of cards and can take as long as two days. And just like a house of cards the slightest distraction at the wrong time will completely take the whole thing down. No shit. Not long ago after a nice dinner out and some wine DW was in a rare frisky mood and had already started losing some clothes when her cell rang. She answered since it was her mother and after no more than 5 minutes of chat about who was going to bring what to some birthday gathering she hung up and announced that she was tired and no longer in the mood. So sorry.