How to make sex a priority without making it a chore

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you say you are having sex once every 3 weeks is that because she is saying no every other time you initiate or bc you are waiting on her to be spontaneous.

Mostly I strike out. I'd say my initiations are on the order of 20-30% successful. When my initiations are being well received, I am more likely to grab her and just try to initiate physically. As I strike out consecutively, I tend to initiate less physically and more verbally. Then, I don't initiate at all and wait for her. I don't need to be seduced - she just needs to say "let's have sex" or "I could use a massage" or the like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your wife is depressed. A huge sign of depression is not being able to obtain joy from things that previously brought on joy.

Ask her if she would be willing to get professionally evaluated because perhaps it could be something more physical.

I don't think it's depression, but it could be something physical and/or something mental. But, I'm hesitant to suggest that she's somehow "broken" and needs to get fixed. That seems like a decision she should make on her own if she thinks physical or mental causes are diminishing our sex life.

During one of our talks, she said maybe she could try therapy if getting off the hormonal birth control didn't help. She has mentioned being sexually harassed quite a bit in high school. That's about the only negative thing I can think of that I've heard from her past that's sexual in nature. Physically, she struggles valiantly with her weight -- lots of exercise, constantly watching what she eats. That's hardly an unusual thing for a woman, so I'm skeptical of whether it's related. But, I suppose something like a thyroid issue could contribute to both. But, I'm not a doctor. I'm just speculating wildly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did your wife respond when you had this conversation? Did she say anything? Push back at all? Or just listen and walk away?

She was silent. No pushback. We were in the car so she couldn't walk away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Communication is supposedly key, but I can't figure out how to go about letting my wife know that I think sex needs to be more of a priority without turning it into a chore.

Since I'm the one who wants sex more, I know that I'm the one who has to put most of the effort into our sex life. I've tried to do what I can: improve my appearance, more chores, dates, give her more "me" time, massages, nonsexual touch, avoid pressuring her for sex, make sure she has an orgasm, etc. None of it seems to move the meter in terms of our sexual frequency. She seems to just forget about it and lets life get in the way. So, much as I would like her to just spontaneously want to have sex with me, I think the missing element is her making sex a priority.

It's probably been two years or more since the last time I discussed my concerns over the lack of frequency in our sex life. It didn't go terribly well. She cried. I felt horrible for making her cry. She said she felt like a bad wife and like I was going to divorce her. I said there was no way I was going to divorce her. Then sex got more awkward.

For what it's worth, we have sex about once every 3 weeks. I'd be happy with once a week. Our youngest kid is 10 years old.

Anyway, I don't know if it's possible to discuss the matter without making her sad and making her feel pressured and awkward about the sex we do have.

You need to head over to "Married Man Sex Life"

You need to have more of a backbone, and it's not good for attraction for a woman to have zero fear that she can lose you. She should trust that you are a good, faithful guy but also know that you have expectations for your life and your marriage that you will not compromise on. It's ok for once-a-week sex to be one of them.

Your wife is never going to want to spontaneously want to have sex with you. You need to get that out of your head if that hasn't been something that's been true in your marriage to date.

You have to get comfortable insisting on sex and pushing your initiation through to a "hard no". That's controversial I know. If it helps, I'm a woman.

I can be completely tepid towards my husband sexually during certain periods and if he insists on sex and just goes for me (not rape because I didn't say NOOOO and if I did he would stop).

The reason this is effective is because women HATE when the burden of sex is on them. When they have to perform. So, if you want sex, you can't weakly initiate and expect her to start getting into it. You have to just go for it. Start kissing her, and insist on sex. Don't make her feel like she has to perform. Then screw the crap out of her. If she's anything like me she'll start really liking that.

I'll probably get crucified for this post but I think it is good advice.

I have to agree wtih PP. I'm DW and honestly, what would get me worked up enough to have sex is my DH "taking me".

[Anonymous]

This depresses me because we are in this state with two young children and from what I hear, women really just lose interest in their husbands after the kids come. They could get worked up for a new fling, but are committed to their family. Where is our pink pill?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This depresses me because we are in this state with two young children and from what I hear, women really just lose interest in their husbands after the kids come. They could get worked up for a new fling, but are committed to their family. Where is our pink pill?

Some women do. Some women don't. Suggesting that "women do" this thing or that thing is absolutely ridiculous.

Communicate with your wife about your sex life. Have a romantic life as a couple separate from your children. Stay focused on that. Ask her to focus on it with you. It's actually not rocket science.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This depresses me because we are in this state with two young children and from what I hear, women really just lose interest in their husbands after the kids come. They could get worked up for a new fling, but are committed to their family. Where is our pink pill?

Lots of women. Not all. But, yeah, novelty is a turn on. Married couples don't have novelty as a crutch, so maybe they have to work harder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This depresses me because we are in this state with two young children and from what I hear, women really just lose interest in their husbands after the kids come. They could get worked up for a new fling, but are committed to their family. Where is our pink pill?

Some women do. Some women don't. Suggesting that "women do" this thing or that thing is absolutely ridiculous.

Communicate with your wife about your sex life. Have a romantic life as a couple separate from your children. Stay focused on that. Ask her to focus on it with you. It's actually not rocket science.

Well, okay. So "women" then refers to me and every one of the 10-12 female friends I have talked to about this.

Any tips on how to have a romantic life when you can't afford a sitter, you have no local family, and your kids are shit sleepers?

[Anonymous]

The pink pill is your conscious choice, your choice to have a sex life. I understand the physical changes, how the mind interplays with the arousal systems for women, need to screw her mind before you screw her body etc, but the bottom line is that if you are not having sex with your partner it is because you are choosing not to, and choosing not to make the effort to discover what you need to want to. The pink pill that women are searching for is for them to consciously choose to make sex a part of their life, not run away from it and search for reasons to validate why they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This depresses me because we are in this state with two young children and from what I hear, women really just lose interest in their husbands after the kids come. They could get worked up for a new fling, but are committed to their family. Where is our pink pill?

Some women do. Some women don't. Suggesting that "women do" this thing or that thing is absolutely ridiculous.

Communicate with your wife about your sex life. Have a romantic life as a couple separate from your children. Stay focused on that. Ask her to focus on it with you. It's actually not rocket science.

Well, okay. So "women" then refers to me and every one of the 10-12 female friends I have talked to about this.

Any tips on how to have a romantic life when you can't afford a sitter, you have no local family, and your kids are shit sleepers?

If you cannot afford a sitter, maybe make a deal with a friend to trade babysitting. Or have date night in. When you say "shit sleepers" do you mean that they never sleep, or just that they are up periodically in the night?

In any case, how is a pink pill going to solve any of that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you say you are having sex once every 3 weeks is that because she is saying no every other time you initiate or bc you are waiting on her to be spontaneous.

If the latter, then i think that you need to just be more aggressive (another woman). My husband also complains about wanted more sex but what he really wants is to be "seduced" (his words, I swear).

The truth is that for a lot of women sex is per se a "chore". They don't really enjoy it and could very well go without for years and not care, these women are not going to initiate but because they love their husband they will likely be a happy and willing participate when approached.

Finally, make time for sex - dont hop into bed 5 minutes before midnight and expect her to be willing to jump on you (yes, I am projecting).

Good luck.

This is my husband, too. He wants to feel "desired." (Apparently, I don't.) He wants more sex, but I have to initiate all of it. Talk about a chore. If he would initiate, I would participate, but it's all on me. Frankly, he's not that great in bed, but it's not unpleasant, and I would certainly go along with it, but I feel resentful that he wants more sex but it's entirely my job to make that happen. The result? Sex = chore. And I have plenty of chores on my plate.

He also doesn't really make time for it. I feel like I have to catch him in between paying the bills and brushing his teeth and just jump him. He's also constantly complaining about being tired, which is not really sending out signals that he's interested.

And finally, he won't get a vasectomy, so I have to be on hormonal BC (Paraguard was a disaster), which kills my sex drive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP, you say you are having sex once every 3 weeks is that because she is saying no every other time you initiate or bc you are waiting on her to be spontaneous.

If the latter, then i think that you need to just be more aggressive (another woman). My husband also complains about wanted more sex but what he really wants is to be "seduced" (his words, I swear).

The truth is that for a lot of women sex is per se a "chore". They don't really enjoy it and could very well go without for years and not care, these women are not going to initiate but because they love their husband they will likely be a happy and willing participate when approached.

Finally, make time for sex - dont hop into bed 5 minutes before midnight and expect her to be willing to jump on you (yes, I am projecting).

Good luck.


This is my husband, too. He wants to feel "desired." (Apparently, I don't.) He wants more sex, but I have to initiate all of it. Talk about a chore. If he would initiate, I would participate, but it's all on me. Frankly, he's not that great in bed, but it's not unpleasant, and I would certainly go along with it, but I feel resentful that he wants more sex but it's entirely my job to make that happen. The result? Sex = chore. And I have plenty of chores on my plate.

He also doesn't really make time for it. I feel like I have to catch him in between paying the bills and brushing his teeth and just jump him. He's also constantly complaining about being tired, which is not really sending out signals that he's interested.

And finally, he won't get a vasectomy, so I have to be on hormonal BC (Paraguard was a disaster), which kills my sex drive.

Have you told him this? That you don't like having to initiate and if he wants sex with you he has to plan for it, start it and be present for it to happen? My thought would be that since you mentioned that it isn't great for you, you probably turned him down a good amount of times in the past. Maybe he doesn't initiate because he feels like when he has in the past you don't respond so he reads that as you asking him to leave it to you to initiate on your own terms?

[Anonymous]

I really feel for all you men. I'm a DW in the same situation. I like the approach the PP had who basically said it's going to happen once a week, we'll make it fun, etc. Unless there is a serious health issue, sex one a week should be happening in a healthy marriage.

The crying thing is not ok. It seems very manipulative...either she's way too sensitive or she's in fact manipulating you from bringing this up again. This is a valid issue you have a right to discuss in an adult manner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really feel for all you men. I'm a DW in the same situation. I like the approach the PP had who basically said it's going to happen once a week, we'll make it fun, etc. Unless there is a serious health issue, sex one a week should be happening in a healthy marriage.

The crying thing is not ok. It seems very manipulative...either she's way too sensitive or she's in fact manipulating you from bringing this up again. This is a valid issue you have a right to discuss in an adult manner.

The crying isn't any conscious effort to manipulate me, I don't think. I think she just feels bad because she wants to be a good wife, but me saying I'm unhappy with our sex life makes her feel like a bad wife. I'd just like to have her make sex a priority without making her feel bad about it.

[Anonymous]

It's unclear to me if you're initiating and being turned down or just sitting around wishing she'd initiate?