How to make sex a priority without making it a chore

[Anonymous]

Man here, been in your position OP, I can only tell you what helped and didn't help my situation.

Helped - having occasional conversations, even if those ended in tears (and they always did). Getting her off hormonal Birth Control (slight improvement). Accepting that most of the time sex was just going to be for me, and just taking her and not worrying about whether she was in the mood, if we had gone longer than a week (she was willing, but not necessarily wanting). Accepting that her having sex once per week was her compromise because she would have sex closer to once a month if up to her. Recognizing her libido is purely responsive and not expecting her to be in the mood before I initiated. Spending quality time with her without initiating sex.

Very helpful - finding creative times to have sex - coming home at lunch when kids are in school and she had a few hours to herself after drop-off. Having a brief but straight conversation before sex whether she wanted it or was just doing it for me - so I could be determine whether I would be focused on our mutual pleasure versus being efficient (she was willing to have more sex if it wasn't going to take a while and she wasn't expected to "perform").

Didn't help - choreplay, passive-aggressiveness, weak attempts at initiating, waiting for her to initiate, expecting her to orgasm and taking it personally when she wasn't always enjoying sex.

I think you should have another conversation with her, non-threatening, listen to all the good advice you have been given. Make it clear you want more sex with her, that you would be ok with once a week and then don't be afraid to initiate more. Accept she is often going to be going through the motions, and celebrate those times when you can get in sync. Sex leads to more sex. Having decent sex more frequently will improve how you treat her, leading to more connectedness and sex for her too.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Communication is supposedly key, but I can't figure out how to go about letting my wife know that I think sex needs to be more of a priority without turning it into a chore.

Since I'm the one who wants sex more, I know that I'm the one who has to put most of the effort into our sex life. I've tried to do what I can: improve my appearance, more chores, dates, give her more "me" time, massages, nonsexual touch, avoid pressuring her for sex, make sure she has an orgasm, etc. None of it seems to move the meter in terms of our sexual frequency. She seems to just forget about it and lets life get in the way. So, much as I would like her to just spontaneously want to have sex with me, I think the missing element is her making sex a priority.

It's probably been two years or more since the last time I discussed my concerns over the lack of frequency in our sex life. It didn't go terribly well. She cried. I felt horrible for making her cry. She said she felt like a bad wife and like I was going to divorce her. I said there was no way I was going to divorce her. Then sex got more awkward.

For what it's worth, we have sex about once every 3 weeks. I'd be happy with once a week. Our youngest kid is 10 years old.

Anyway, I don't know if it's possible to discuss the matter without making her sad and making her feel pressured and awkward about the sex we do have.

Its mental. She may be depressed. It may be hormonal. Who knows. If you do sense she is depressed, I encourage you to get her help.

One thing you could try is to please her without the expectation of wanting something back. Please her meaning oral. Or something else, but nothing that would result in your having an orgasm. You can be creative.

If she rejects your advances, then she really needs to see someone, b/c most folks don't turn down stuff when they are off the hook for reciprocating. Even spouses.

If she asks to receipricate, reject her. Tell her you want it to be all about her. Do this for a week straight. Depending on the mood, you may want to rub one out in front of her afterwards. And tell her that just thinking of please her makes you wild.

Honestly, this approach worked pretty well for me.

[Anonymous]

In the same boat here. A few women here suggested reading erotica helped. I think that could help me 'get into the mood' more with my DH. Any suggested titles?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In the same boat here. A few women here suggested reading erotica helped. I think that could help me 'get into the mood' more with my DH. Any suggested titles?

Try Literotica.com. Something for everyone there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Communication is supposedly key, but I can't figure out how to go about letting my wife know that I think sex needs to be more of a priority without turning it into a chore.

Since I'm the one who wants sex more, I know that I'm the one who has to put most of the effort into our sex life. I've tried to do what I can: improve my appearance, more chores, dates, give her more "me" time, massages, nonsexual touch, avoid pressuring her for sex, make sure she has an orgasm, etc. None of it seems to move the meter in terms of our sexual frequency. She seems to just forget about it and lets life get in the way. So, much as I would like her to just spontaneously want to have sex with me, I think the missing element is her making sex a priority.

It's probably been two years or more since the last time I discussed my concerns over the lack of frequency in our sex life. It didn't go terribly well. She cried. I felt horrible for making her cry. She said she felt like a bad wife and like I was going to divorce her. I said there was no way I was going to divorce her. Then sex got more awkward.

For what it's worth, we have sex about once every 3 weeks. I'd be happy with once a week. Our youngest kid is 10 years old.

Anyway, I don't know if it's possible to discuss the matter without making her sad and making her feel pressured and awkward about the sex we do have.

I was hopeful for you until you said your youngest was 10. You probably need to realize you are going to only make minor improvements to your sex life and your wife will never meet you halfway.

One thing that helped me, I started treating my wife like my affair partner. I met her at lunch when the kids were in school for nooners, she had more energy. I also kept the conversation going, and it always led to her crying but it did remind her that sex was important to me, even if it wasn't for her. When we had sex and I knew she wasn't really in the mood, I just selfishly took charge and f#$ked her, it was quick and decent for me and she liked the aggression, would sometimes surprise me by responding but if not we were at least done in 10 minutes so I didn't feel bad about taking up too much of her time.

Our sex life improved some when our youngest hit 5. I had some indiscretions that I am not proud of but helped me stay married and sane during some really bad droughts. Affairs solve one problem and create 10 more, so be careful.

Good luck, you seem like a really good man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You wrote my story except that we were once a month or less. Here's what worked for me. It started with several conversations over the course of many years, probably similar to the ones you've had, minus the crying. Then, I waited for a moment when I knew we'd be alone for several minutes (not in the bedroom).

Here's what I said, I'm going to talk, and I'm not expecting you to respond. You can if you want, but I'm not expecting it. I've told you over the years at different times that I wanted more sex, but nothing has worked. A healthy marriage needs a healthy sex life. And we need a healthy marriage. Sex 10 times or fewer a year is defined as a sexless marriage. The average couple has sex 50-85 times a year. So, here's what we're going to do. We're going to have sex once a week. We'll pick a night -- I'll start with Saturday, but if you want a different night, that's fine -- to be the end. If Saturday rolls around and we haven't had sex that week, we have sex Saturday. And I want you to have fun with it. I'm game for whatever you want -- costumes, toys, role play -- I'll try anything besides a third person. I plan to put a lot of effort into making this enjoyable. And we will have sex once a week.

I didn't make it an ultimatum. There was no "or else." I just said what was going to happen. We didn't have sex that week until Saturday night. That was nerve-wracking. For context, we're both professionals with graduate degrees and we have three kids. Lives are very busy and we have a very balanced marriage. My wife is an extremely strong-willed individual. I don't tell her what to do. So this talk was very much out of the ordinary. About two months later we were on target and she thanked me for doing it. She said she was having a ball and needed that jump start. There have been periods when we've slowed down and weeks have gone by without sex, but all for legitimate health reasons. My only regret is that I didn't take that approach many years earlier.

Hope this helps. I feel for you, dude. It's one of the hardest things to do.

And she liked it. Take note, OP. You don't have to dominate your wife in general. But definitely insist on sex. And for christ sake don't be all weak and timid during sex, watching for signs she's into it. Just grab her and start putting her into different positions and tell her how hot her ass looks.

+1,000,000. This is such a huge turn-off - a half assed attempt at intimacy.

God yes. I hate the timid approach.

[Anonymous]

I get that timidity is a turn off, but when you are really not in the fucking mood for sex, how do you respond to a forceful, aggressive insistence on sex by your DH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get that timidity is a turn off, but when you are really not in the fucking mood for sex, how do you respond to a forceful, aggressive insistence on sex by your DH?

Yeah, DH here...I'd like to know the answer to this too, because a couple of "plow ahead with a lukewarm partner" episodes have ended in tears (hers) and feeling very rapey (me). Not really wanting to go there again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get that timidity is a turn off, but when you are really not in the fucking mood for sex, how do you respond to a forceful, aggressive insistence on sex by your DH?

Yeah, DH here...I'd like to know the answer to this too, because a couple of "plow ahead with a lukewarm partner" episodes have ended in tears (hers) and feeling very rapey (me). Not really wanting to go there again.

Well, remember the "take charge, no wimpy initiations" is from the women's perspective, and it works for them because 1) if it is successful, it is much hotter to be taken by a man who is raging with desire for you than someone lightly stroking your arm kinda sorta wondering if you might want to have sex later but no biggie if not, or 2) if they really aren't in the mood, they can tell their husbands "no".

The problem for men, is if you turn on the alpha-tear her clothes off routine, and you get the hard "no" it is an overt rejection that can really sting the ego. So women advocate the hard come on because they don't have to risk the brutal rejection.

Sort of like how men tell high libido women asking how to turn on their low libido husbands: just put on some lingerie and take out his penis and give him a BJ. Sure, that works for most men, but low libido men aren't most men and can you even imagine the destruction to a woman's self esteem when her low libido husband rejects THAT advance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you try going down on her every day for a week, with no pressure for intercourse unless she asks for it?

I'm a woman with a high sex drive, but just taking a guess at something that might increase her interest. Who has ever regretted having an orgasm, after all? Do you know how to find her g-spot?

Plus, I know that if you make me orgasm orally, I then feel an even increased desire for sex immediately afterward.

My wife doesn't like receiving oral sex (from me or any of her 10 previous partners) nor is she responsive to g-spot stimulation (and I've stimulated many of them before). So its never easy with many women and more often than not a one-size-fits-all approach doesn't work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get that timidity is a turn off, but when you are really not in the fucking mood for sex, how do you respond to a forceful, aggressive insistence on sex by your DH?

Yeah, DH here...I'd like to know the answer to this too, because a couple of "plow ahead with a lukewarm partner" episodes have ended in tears (hers) and feeling very rapey (me). Not really wanting to go there again.

Well, remember the "take charge, no wimpy initiations" is from the women's perspective, and it works for them because 1) if it is successful, it is much hotter to be taken by a man who is raging with desire for you than someone lightly stroking your arm kinda sorta wondering if you might want to have sex later but no biggie if not, or 2) if they really aren't in the mood, they can tell their husbands "no".

The problem for men, is if you turn on the alpha-tear her clothes off routine, and you get the hard "no" it is an overt rejection that can really sting the ego. So women advocate the hard come on because they don't have to risk the brutal rejection.

Sort of like how men tell high libido women asking how to turn on their low libido husbands: just put on some lingerie and take out his penis and give him a BJ. Sure, that works for most men, but low libido men aren't most men and can you even imagine the destruction to a woman's self esteem when her low libido husband rejects THAT advance.

Just to add a wrinkle -- the types of women who really enjoy aggressive initiations probably also find it hotter to have a guy push through road blocks she throws up. But, when other women complain that the kids are awake or she's tired or some other version of "no," they really mean it.

[Anonymous]

DH here and the initiation piece is the biggest source of stress and anxiety for me. I want to be more assertive and aggressive with my DW, whose libido is low or certainly lower than mine, but when I'm uncertain of her mood and receptiveness to sex, I don't know "what" to initiate and often become paralyzed and just chose to avoid the issue. In other words, I wonder if she'll be responsive to me taking time to kiss, caress, and go down on her, etc. and get in the mood for good sex, or if she has no interest in that but is willing to take one for the team and just have me stick it in and pound away until I cum, the latter of which often leaves me feeling emotionally disconnected. The uncertainly and fear of guessing wrong and feeling rejected sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH here and the initiation piece is the biggest source of stress and anxiety for me. I want to be more assertive and aggressive with my DW, whose libido is low or certainly lower than mine, but when I'm uncertain of her mood and receptiveness to sex, I don't know "what" to initiate and often become paralyzed and just chose to avoid the issue. In other words, I wonder if she'll be responsive to me taking time to kiss, caress, and go down on her, etc. and get in the mood for good sex, or if she has no interest in that but is willing to take one for the team and just have me stick it in and pound away until I cum, the latter of which often leaves me feeling emotionally disconnected. The uncertainly and fear of guessing wrong and feeling rejected sucks.

DW here- start with a back rub or foot massage. Tell her that it's just for her to relax and enjoy. If it leads to more, great.... If not, it was for her, right? Make her a bath and tell her to relax- she will get the hint.

On a different occasion, let her know that you need to feel desired. You need to connect. Don't have that talk in the bedroom.

[Anonymous]

Kind of incidental to PP's post, but "make her a bath"? Is that a thing people do for each other? Nobody has made me a bath since I was probably 4 years old.

[Anonymous]

You need to go down on her. Go for it.