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[quote=Anonymous]DW and mom here. I've been on both sides of this equation and the only thing I know for sure is that having a libido in direct opposition to your mate is absolute hell for both. I've spent a lot of time researching this and here's what I've learned and what's worked for us:

- Women on whole are really, really bad at recognizing the physical signs of arousal. Yep, it's true. Turns out we think about sex quite a bit during the day, but we also think about a thousand other things, most of which we give priority over sex. In other words, we are so used to multi-tasking, that we can't even focus on just thinking about sex. You know how wives often joke that their husbands can only do one thing at a time? Well, you have to be able to focus on the physical exclusively to recognize you want to have sex. And this includes during sex, too. Losing that sexual focus becomes easier and easier to do the longer you've been together and the more routine things have become.

- The only way to get out of a slump is to have more sex on consecutive days in a row. It seems to jump start the hormones that makes sex more of your mind's priority (google it). Two weeks was the amount of time where I knew something had changed; where I caught myself thinking about sex and not just what else I had to get done in my day.

- There are ways to help your mind concentrate on sex and arousal. Now, this is by far the toughest step, b/c this is the first step out of inertia. And that's what you're dealing with - sludge-like inertia. What worked for me is first writing it down on the calendar during times when I thought it would be easiest to even consider sex - right after kids go to school, after lunch, late afternoon (see pp above). Basically, anytime except bedtime. Bedtime sex is death to a couple trying to get back into the groove. We had sex every single day for two weeks during these more generally off-times. Surprisingly, it created momentum that wasn't difficult to maintain (not everyday, but very frequently) and it was so frequent we had to be very honest and very open about what we liked and wanted to try.

-Now, it's going to be difficult to get going, so here is what I did when I was the low libido partner: (1) I watched hot movie scenes and occasionally porn, and i did it several times a day, including just before we were scheduled to have sex. I literally would go into the bathroom and watch porn or read erotica. Then when I felt even a little something, we'd start. Google "best sex scenes for women" and see what comes up. One of the biggest fallacies out there is that women are not visual. Bullshit. It's just that there's not much out there to cater to women's unique tastes. So find it. Or read it. Google, hottest books for women. Start there. Anything to just get a teeny tiny spark going.

-Please don't talk about it anymore in terms of "I feel" "you feel". It serves no purpose except to shine the light on everyone's inadequacies. She knows how you feel. Really. Talk kills sex when there's no connection. All you need to do is maybe show her this and tell her it's from a woman who can relate and that on such and such date you want to try this. It's going to be weird and awkward for a bit. Then it's going to get good ;)

- Do not "grab her and fuck her" until you both have started this process, otherwise, it will make her so angry she'll just wants to cut off your balls. Now, after you both have agreed to try the two week trial and you've got a few days under your belt? Absolutely.

Remember: this is to get you out of the slump. I know it sounds clinical. All I can say is it worked for us. And it worked so well that even when he pisses me off, forgets to do the laundry, or the hundred other excuses husbands and wives give for losing desire, I still want to have sex with him :)

Good luck.[/quote]

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