How to make sex a priority without making it a chore

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

How did your wife respond when you had this conversation? Did she say anything? Push back at all? Or just listen and walk away?

As I mentioned, there was some crying. She said she felt like she wasn't good enough for me. She assured me that she thought I was attractive. She said she wanted to want to have sex but she didn't. I got a vasectomy and she got off the hormonal birth control. After that, the quality of the sex got better & she definitely seemed to enjoy it more. (Without getting into too much detail, she got her periods back and during certain parts of her cycle she's a lot more responsive -- if I can actually get sex started.) For awhile, after the initial awkwardness following the sex conversation passed, the frequency increased. I think she was making a point to read erotica and to make sure she was up for sex once a week or so.

I don't mind being unapologetic about my desire to have sex with her. But, I'm not giving her an ultimatum because, frankly, if the sex doesn't get any better, I love her enough and she's good enough to me in other ways that I'm just going to suck it up and deal with it. I don't mind being unapologetic about my desire for sex, but I'd like to be able to have a conversation that's productive without making her feel bad about herself and doesn't make her view sex negatively.

(Thanks, by the way, for all of the responses.)

I think you need to frame the conversation differently - more like I think WE need to focus on our relationship more. Think of some things that you could improve on with regard to your relationship. Then she'll feel less attacked and more like it's a team effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really feel for all you men. I'm a DW in the same situation. I like the approach the PP had who basically said it's going to happen once a week, we'll make it fun, etc. Unless there is a serious health issue, sex one a week should be happening in a healthy marriage.

The crying thing is not ok. It seems very manipulative...either she's way too sensitive or she's in fact manipulating you from bringing this up again. This is a valid issue you have a right to discuss in an adult manner.

The crying isn't any conscious effort to manipulate me, I don't think. I think she just feels bad because she wants to be a good wife, but me saying I'm unhappy with our sex life makes her feel like a bad wife. I'd just like to have her make sex a priority without making her feel bad about it.

I don't think that she's trying to manipulate you either (NP here). I wasn't going to post on this thread because I didn't think that I had anything constructive to say.

Sex was an issue in our first marriage. I sympathize with your wife, because much like you can't really control your desire to have more sex, she can't really control her desire to have less sex. Obviously there are things that both sides can do to mitigate their own desires, but at the end of the day, it really sucks to feel like you're failing at something important to you (marriage) because of something that you can't change (low desire). It colors everything, whether you want it to or not. My ex and I made an agreement to have sex once a week, but in the back of my mind, I was always wondering whether the sex was good enough for him. Like, was it enough for me to make it a priority and have it happen, or did he really want me to act like a 22-year-old sex kitten again? It made things awkward, and we were both frustrated.

I know that you don't want your wife to feel bad, but she is going to feel bad. Just like you feel bad for pressuring her (even nicely) to do something that she does not appear to want to do. The only thing that you can really do to mitigate any of those bad feelings is to talk about them - acknowledge that they are there, that things are awkward, that you are frustrated (at least partially with yourself because you don't want her to be sad), that you love being married to her and just want to work on this one thing. Whatever it takes to communicate that what you really want is intimacy with her. I often felt like my ex didn't really care who he was having sex with, because he put such a focus on it having to happen at a certain frequency. It didn't seem to be about building intimacy between us (sexually and otherwise). Even the orgasms he gave me seemed like things he was doing just to make sure that it "wasn't just one sided."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's unclear to me if you're initiating and being turned down or just sitting around wishing she'd initiate?

Someone asked something similar above to which I responded: "Mostly I strike out. I'd say my initiations are on the order of 20-30% successful. When my initiations are being well received, I am more likely to grab her and just try to initiate physically. As I strike out consecutively, I tend to initiate less physically and more verbally. Then, I don't initiate at all and wait for her. I don't need to be seduced - she just needs to say "let's have sex" or "I could use a massage" or the like."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really feel for all you men. I'm a DW in the same situation. I like the approach the PP had who basically said it's going to happen once a week, we'll make it fun, etc. Unless there is a serious health issue, sex one a week should be happening in a healthy marriage.

The crying thing is not ok. It seems very manipulative...either she's way too sensitive or she's in fact manipulating you from bringing this up again. This is a valid issue you have a right to discuss in an adult manner.

The crying isn't any conscious effort to manipulate me, I don't think. I think she just feels bad because she wants to be a good wife, but me saying I'm unhappy with our sex life makes her feel like a bad wife. I'd just like to have her make sex a priority without making her feel bad about it.

I don't think that she's trying to manipulate you either (NP here). I wasn't going to post on this thread because I didn't think that I had anything constructive to say.

Sex was an issue in our first marriage. I sympathize with your wife, because much like you can't really control your desire to have more sex, she can't really control her desire to have less sex. Obviously there are things that both sides can do to mitigate their own desires, but at the end of the day, it really sucks to feel like you're failing at something important to you (marriage) because of something that you can't change (low desire). It colors everything, whether you want it to or not. My ex and I made an agreement to have sex once a week, but in the back of my mind, I was always wondering whether the sex was good enough for him. Like, was it enough for me to make it a priority and have it happen, or did he really want me to act like a 22-year-old sex kitten again? It made things awkward, and we were both frustrated.

I know that you don't want your wife to feel bad, but she is going to feel bad. Just like you feel bad for pressuring her (even nicely) to do something that she does not appear to want to do. The only thing that you can really do to mitigate any of those bad feelings is to talk about them - acknowledge that they are there, that things are awkward, that you are frustrated (at least partially with yourself because you don't want her to be sad), that you love being married to her and just want to work on this one thing. Whatever it takes to communicate that what you really want is intimacy with her. I often felt like my ex didn't really care who he was having sex with, because he put such a focus on it having to happen at a certain frequency. It didn't seem to be about building intimacy between us (sexually and otherwise). Even the orgasms he gave me seemed like things he was doing just to make sure that it "wasn't just one sided."

Thanks for this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This depresses me because we are in this state with two young children and from what I hear, women really just lose interest in their husbands after the kids come. They could get worked up for a new fling, but are committed to their family. Where is our pink pill?

It's not universal. We have 3 kids all under the age of 6 and my sex drive is still really high but I'm content with having sex 3 times a week. If it's important to you, you make it a priority like anything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really feel for all you men. I'm a DW in the same situation. I like the approach the PP had who basically said it's going to happen once a week, we'll make it fun, etc. Unless there is a serious health issue, sex one a week should be happening in a healthy marriage.

The crying thing is not ok. It seems very manipulative...either she's way too sensitive or she's in fact manipulating you from bringing this up again. This is a valid issue you have a right to discuss in an adult manner.

The crying isn't any conscious effort to manipulate me, I don't think. I think she just feels bad because she wants to be a good wife, but me saying I'm unhappy with our sex life makes her feel like a bad wife. I'd just like to have her make sex a priority without making her feel bad about it.

Good lord, are you this wishy washy in real life.

[Anonymous]

^^ wow this is some serious LD (low desire) talk. It might as well be in Hebrew because it's like a foreign language. How does one even come up with a phrase like "her desire to not have sex"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Communication is supposedly key, but I can't figure out how to go about letting my wife know that I think sex needs to be more of a priority without turning it into a chore.

Since I'm the one who wants sex more, I know that I'm the one who has to put most of the effort into our sex life. I've tried to do what I can: improve my appearance, more chores, dates, give her more "me" time, massages, nonsexual touch, avoid pressuring her for sex, make sure she has an orgasm, etc. None of it seems to move the meter in terms of our sexual frequency. She seems to just forget about it and lets life get in the way. So, much as I would like her to just spontaneously want to have sex with me, I think the missing element is her making sex a priority.

It's probably been two years or more since the last time I discussed my concerns over the lack of frequency in our sex life. It didn't go terribly well. She cried. I felt horrible for making her cry. She said she felt like a bad wife and like I was going to divorce her. I said there was no way I was going to divorce her. Then sex got more awkward.

For what it's worth, we have sex about once every 3 weeks. I'd be happy with once a week. Our youngest kid is 10 years old.

Anyway, I don't know if it's possible to discuss the matter without making her sad and making her feel pressured and awkward about the sex we do have.

You need to head over to "Married Man Sex Life"

You need to have more of a backbone, and it's not good for attraction for a woman to have zero fear that she can lose you. She should trust that you are a good, faithful guy but also know that you have expectations for your life and your marriage that you will not compromise on. It's ok for once-a-week sex to be one of them.

Your wife is never going to want to spontaneously want to have sex with you. You need to get that out of your head if that hasn't been something that's been true in your marriage to date.

You have to get comfortable insisting on sex and pushing your initiation through to a "hard no". That's controversial I know. If it helps, I'm a woman.

I can be completely tepid towards my husband sexually during certain periods and if he insists on sex and just goes for me (not rape because I didn't say NOOOO and if I did he would stop).

The reason this is effective is because women HATE when the burden of sex is on them. When they have to perform. So, if you want sex, you can't weakly initiate and expect her to start getting into it. You have to just go for it. Start kissing her, and insist on sex. Don't make her feel like she has to perform. Then screw the crap out of her. If she's anything like me she'll start really liking that.

I'll probably get crucified for this post but I think it is good advice.

I have to agree wtih PP. I'm DW and honestly, what would get me worked up enough to have sex is my DH "taking me".

+1 A lot of the time I just wish my DH would be somewhat more aggressive and "take me" too.

[Anonymous]

Would you be happy being taken pretty much any time or does he have to read your mind to know when you want to be taken?

[Anonymous]

DW here: it's easier to have a good sex life if she feels desired but not pressured. Let's give two examples to help;

BF prior to DH: ignored me (watched the news, took phone calls, etc) until he wanted to have sex, pounced with little foreplay/chat/affection, got what he needed mechanically, talked a little, kiss good night, rolled over with back to me, slept that way. Criticized my lingerie, of all things. I got the impression that he didn't really want to be with me. DH thinks he was just immature, superficial or awkward.

Result: I felt alone, empty, unwanted and terrible at sex.

DH: I pounced because I thought that's what men wanted. Whoa! He said, let's talk first, too much pressure. We talked, moved slow, smoother interaction, snuggled, talked some more, went on to various sex acts as came up spontaneously.

Result: I felt attractive and wanted to be more intimate with him and we tried new things over time. He's the one I married because he made me feel like he wanted to have sex with ME rather than just a bodily function in which I was involved. He still does and we meet for lunches at home, sometimes to snuggle, sometimes to talk/eat, often to have sex. It helps tremendously.

Here's what I mean: do you want your DW to feel enthusiastic? You have to pace it. Don't make it a test. Don't come in with a laundry list of demands. Do take the time to give as well as receive. Sometimes just snuggle.
Don't make her feel self-conscious about clothing or performance. Actually care about what you're doing and why you're doing it.

Sex is fun for women when it's an expression of love and affection. If you treat it as a bodily function or act as if you'd rather be with somebody else -- the younger, not mommy-tired version of her; the thinner, prepregnancy version of her or some other woman entirely -- you'll face a depressed woman who doesn't want to look at you, hear your voice or think about you ever again. Sex? Forget it.

There are two examples. Take your pick.

[Anonymous]

The first poster pointed you in a great direction. And a lot of the subsequent replies are agreeing with MMSL concepts without realizing it. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B004W0IRQ8/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B004W0IRQ8&linkCode=as2&tag=atholkcom-20&linkId=7XQCL73YR6ZICKDR

http://marriedmansexlife.vanillacommunities.com/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really feel for all you men. I'm a DW in the same situation. I like the approach the PP had who basically said it's going to happen once a week, we'll make it fun, etc. Unless there is a serious health issue, sex one a week should be happening in a healthy marriage.

The crying thing is not ok. It seems very manipulative...either she's way too sensitive or she's in fact manipulating you from bringing this up again. This is a valid issue you have a right to discuss in an adult manner.

The crying isn't any conscious effort to manipulate me, I don't think. I think she just feels bad because she wants to be a good wife, but me saying I'm unhappy with our sex life makes her feel like a bad wife. I'd just like to have her make sex a priority without making her feel bad about it.

I don't think that she's trying to manipulate you either (NP here). I wasn't going to post on this thread because I didn't think that I had anything constructive to say.

Sex was an issue in our first marriage. I sympathize with your wife, because much like you can't really control your desire to have more sex, she can't really control her desire to have less sex. Obviously there are things that both sides can do to mitigate their own desires, but at the end of the day, it really sucks to feel like you're failing at something important to you (marriage) because of something that you can't change (low desire). It colors everything, whether you want it to or not. My ex and I made an agreement to have sex once a week, but in the back of my mind, I was always wondering whether the sex was good enough for him. Like, was it enough for me to make it a priority and have it happen, or did he really want me to act like a 22-year-old sex kitten again? It made things awkward, and we were both frustrated.

I know that you don't want your wife to feel bad, but she is going to feel bad. Just like you feel bad for pressuring her (even nicely) to do something that she does not appear to want to do. The only thing that you can really do to mitigate any of those bad feelings is to talk about them - acknowledge that they are there, that things are awkward, that you are frustrated (at least partially with yourself because you don't want her to be sad), that you love being married to her and just want to work on this one thing. Whatever it takes to communicate that what you really want is intimacy with her. I often felt like my ex didn't really care who he was having sex with, because he put such a focus on it having to happen at a certain frequency. It didn't seem to be about building intimacy between us (sexually and otherwise). Even the orgasms he gave me seemed like things he was doing just to make sure that it "wasn't just one sided."

I like a lot of what PP said! My DH and I went through something very similar. I was much lower drive and didn't make sex a priority in our marriage. Full time job, kids, etc...DH got tired of initiating sex all the time and felt resentful/not desired, etc... We were having sex 3-4 x a month which we both enjoyed but he said I lacked passion, like I was checking it off my list of chores to do. He would talk to me about in bed (bad idea) and I would cry because I love our marriage and wanted us to be happy. I liked sex but just didn't think about it. Thyroid hormone was ok, testosterone normal, got off my OCPs and started on an antidepressant (wellbutrin)

I think what really hit me was when he said that he was so unhappy that something was going to have to change or he would ask for a divorce or have an affair. (He did have an emotional affair with a coworker). I started thinking about our marriage and taking responsibility for some of his unhappiness. I started reading erotica, realizing that I enjoyed sex and the way we bonded.

I agree that conversations should be had outside the bedroom, in a non threatening, non accusatory manner. Get to to bottom of why she doesn't want to have sex. I agree the more often the sex (assuming it is mutually enjoyable ), the better the bonding and the more often it will come.

We are in counseling and working through other issues in our marriage. I would highly recommend it our at least a commitment to talk honestly and openly about everything.

Good luck

[Anonymous]

Finally an encouraging, sane, realistic, and contructive reply. Thank you, PP

[Anonymous]

Admittedly I read a lot of the replies quickly, but am absolutely shocked that nobody has suggested asking the wife why she isn't interested in more sex? I'm not suggesting a "honey, I'm unhappy with our sex life, I want more" conversation. I'm suggesting a "I find you very attractive and love having sex with you, and would love to have more sex with you. is that something you are interested in?" conversation. There has to be a reason. Ask your wife!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Admittedly I read a lot of the replies quickly, but am absolutely shocked that nobody has suggested asking the wife why she isn't interested in more sex? I'm not suggesting a "honey, I'm unhappy with our sex life, I want more" conversation. I'm suggesting a "I find you very attractive and love having sex with you, and would love to have more sex with you. is that something you are interested in?" conversation. There has to be a reason. Ask your wife!

Low drive people often don't know why they are low drive. Sometimes it's obvious -- if you spouse is fat and lacks basic hygiene; if you're working 24/7 and your spouse is constantly kicking back, laying on the couch. But if your spouse is in good shape, hygienic, kind, and helpful but you still don't want to have sex, things get a little more mysterious.