How to make sex a priority without making it a chore

[Anonymous]

Communication is supposedly key, but I can't figure out how to go about letting my wife know that I think sex needs to be more of a priority without turning it into a chore.

Since I'm the one who wants sex more, I know that I'm the one who has to put most of the effort into our sex life. I've tried to do what I can: improve my appearance, more chores, dates, give her more "me" time, massages, nonsexual touch, avoid pressuring her for sex, make sure she has an orgasm, etc. None of it seems to move the meter in terms of our sexual frequency. She seems to just forget about it and lets life get in the way. So, much as I would like her to just spontaneously want to have sex with me, I think the missing element is her making sex a priority.

It's probably been two years or more since the last time I discussed my concerns over the lack of frequency in our sex life. It didn't go terribly well. She cried. I felt horrible for making her cry. She said she felt like a bad wife and like I was going to divorce her. I said there was no way I was going to divorce her. Then sex got more awkward.

For what it's worth, we have sex about once every 3 weeks. I'd be happy with once a week. Our youngest kid is 10 years old.

Anyway, I don't know if it's possible to discuss the matter without making her sad and making her feel pressured and awkward about the sex we do have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Communication is supposedly key, but I can't figure out how to go about letting my wife know that I think sex needs to be more of a priority without turning it into a chore.

Since I'm the one who wants sex more, I know that I'm the one who has to put most of the effort into our sex life. I've tried to do what I can: improve my appearance, more chores, dates, give her more "me" time, massages, nonsexual touch, avoid pressuring her for sex, make sure she has an orgasm, etc. None of it seems to move the meter in terms of our sexual frequency. She seems to just forget about it and lets life get in the way. So, much as I would like her to just spontaneously want to have sex with me, I think the missing element is her making sex a priority.

It's probably been two years or more since the last time I discussed my concerns over the lack of frequency in our sex life. It didn't go terribly well. She cried. I felt horrible for making her cry. She said she felt like a bad wife and like I was going to divorce her. I said there was no way I was going to divorce her. Then sex got more awkward.

For what it's worth, we have sex about once every 3 weeks. I'd be happy with once a week. Our youngest kid is 10 years old.

Anyway, I don't know if it's possible to discuss the matter without making her sad and making her feel pressured and awkward about the sex we do have.

You need to head over to "Married Man Sex Life"

You need to have more of a backbone, and it's not good for attraction for a woman to have zero fear that she can lose you. She should trust that you are a good, faithful guy but also know that you have expectations for your life and your marriage that you will not compromise on. It's ok for once-a-week sex to be one of them.

Your wife is never going to want to spontaneously want to have sex with you. You need to get that out of your head if that hasn't been something that's been true in your marriage to date.

You have to get comfortable insisting on sex and pushing your initiation through to a "hard no". That's controversial I know. If it helps, I'm a woman.

I can be completely tepid towards my husband sexually during certain periods and if he insists on sex and just goes for me (not rape because I didn't say NOOOO and if I did he would stop).

The reason this is effective is because women HATE when the burden of sex is on them. When they have to perform. So, if you want sex, you can't weakly initiate and expect her to start getting into it. You have to just go for it. Start kissing her, and insist on sex. Don't make her feel like she has to perform. Then screw the crap out of her. If she's anything like me she'll start really liking that.

I'll probably get crucified for this post but I think it is good advice.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you try going down on her every day for a week, with no pressure for intercourse unless she asks for it?

I'm a woman with a high sex drive, but just taking a guess at something that might increase her interest. Who has ever regretted having an orgasm, after all? Do you know how to find her g-spot?

Plus, I know that if you make me orgasm orally, I then feel an even increased desire for sex immediately afterward.

[Anonymous]

I'm a wife who would let real life get in the way. We make 10pm - midnight couples time every night. No chores, no work, only mutually-agreed on TV. We can use that time to cuddle, talk, and/or have sex. We have sex twice a week during that block of time. So it provides opportunity for sex without pressure for sex. If that makes sense. Can you work something like that in to your schedules? We are both night people, so this works best for us. But morning time would work, too.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you can approach it from the angle 'I'm just so attracted to you I have to have you'. Maybe if she feels more attractive/desired, she'll be more open to it.

[Anonymous]

OP - you wrote my story except I draw the line. I am a man, I am human and I have needs, if she won't meet them, or doesn't want to, then no harm no foul. A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. That usually leads to some snatch that night. Backbone, and prepare to follow through, do not be beholden to that snatch.

[Anonymous]

You wrote my story except that we were once a month or less. Here's what worked for me. It started with several conversations over the course of many years, probably similar to the ones you've had, minus the crying. Then, I waited for a moment when I knew we'd be alone for several minutes (not in the bedroom).

Here's what I said, I'm going to talk, and I'm not expecting you to respond. You can if you want, but I'm not expecting it. I've told you over the years at different times that I wanted more sex, but nothing has worked. A healthy marriage needs a healthy sex life. And we need a healthy marriage. Sex 10 times or fewer a year is defined as a sexless marriage. The average couple has sex 50-85 times a year. So, here's what we're going to do. We're going to have sex once a week. We'll pick a night -- I'll start with Saturday, but if you want a different night, that's fine -- to be the end. If Saturday rolls around and we haven't had sex that week, we have sex Saturday. And I want you to have fun with it. I'm game for whatever you want -- costumes, toys, role play -- I'll try anything besides a third person. I plan to put a lot of effort into making this enjoyable. And we will have sex once a week.

I didn't make it an ultimatum. There was no "or else." I just said what was going to happen. We didn't have sex that week until Saturday night. That was nerve-wracking. For context, we're both professionals with graduate degrees and we have three kids. Lives are very busy and we have a very balanced marriage. My wife is an extremely strong-willed individual. I don't tell her what to do. So this talk was very much out of the ordinary. About two months later we were on target and she thanked me for doing it. She said she was having a ball and needed that jump start. There have been periods when we've slowed down and weeks have gone by without sex, but all for legitimate health reasons. My only regret is that I didn't take that approach many years earlier.

Hope this helps. I feel for you, dude. It's one of the hardest things to do.

[Anonymous]

13:39 here. I omitted one thing. Google sexless marriage and you'll find the articles on 10 times = sexless and average is 50-85. People on here will quibble, but ignore those people. Just have the backup ready in case your wife asks.

[Anonymous]

I would love to know as well. Same thing, if I bring it up she cries and says she isn't good enough and feels like she is failing as a wife. Perfect cop-out, start crying and make you feel like you've done something wrong, when all you want is to have a normal marriage. It's dishonest. She's choosing not to be good enough. She's totally good enough when she chooses to show that she values, respects you and takes your needs into account, not only her own. If she chooses not to then yeah, she's a bad wife. At least your getting some though, which is better than a lot of guys on here.

[Anonymous]

You wrote my story except that we were once a month or less. Here's what worked for me. It started with several conversations over the course of many years, probably similar to the ones you've had, minus the crying. Then, I waited for a moment when I knew we'd be alone for several minutes (not in the bedroom).

Here's what I said, I'm going to talk, and I'm not expecting you to respond. You can if you want, but I'm not expecting it. I've told you over the years at different times that I wanted more sex, but nothing has worked. A healthy marriage needs a healthy sex life. And we need a healthy marriage. Sex 10 times or fewer a year is defined as a sexless marriage. The average couple has sex 50-85 times a year. So, here's what we're going to do. We're going to have sex once a week. We'll pick a night -- I'll start with Saturday, but if you want a different night, that's fine -- to be the end. If Saturday rolls around and we haven't had sex that week, we have sex Saturday. And I want you to have fun with it. I'm game for whatever you want -- costumes, toys, role play -- I'll try anything besides a third person. I plan to put a lot of effort into making this enjoyable. And we will have sex once a week.

I didn't make it an ultimatum. There was no "or else." I just said what was going to happen. We didn't have sex that week until Saturday night. That was nerve-wracking. For context, we're both professionals with graduate degrees and we have three kids. Lives are very busy and we have a very balanced marriage. My wife is an extremely strong-willed individual. I don't tell her what to do. So this talk was very much out of the ordinary. About two months later we were on target and she thanked me for doing it. She said she was having a ball and needed that jump start. There have been periods when we've slowed down and weeks have gone by without sex, but all for legitimate health reasons. My only regret is that I didn't take that approach many years earlier.

Hope this helps. I feel for you, dude. It's one of the hardest things to do

How did your wife respond when you had this conversation? Did she say anything? Push back at all? Or just listen and walk away?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You wrote my story except that we were once a month or less. Here's what worked for me. It started with several conversations over the course of many years, probably similar to the ones you've had, minus the crying. Then, I waited for a moment when I knew we'd be alone for several minutes (not in the bedroom).

Here's what I said, I'm going to talk, and I'm not expecting you to respond. You can if you want, but I'm not expecting it. I've told you over the years at different times that I wanted more sex, but nothing has worked. A healthy marriage needs a healthy sex life. And we need a healthy marriage. Sex 10 times or fewer a year is defined as a sexless marriage. The average couple has sex 50-85 times a year. So, here's what we're going to do. We're going to have sex once a week. We'll pick a night -- I'll start with Saturday, but if you want a different night, that's fine -- to be the end. If Saturday rolls around and we haven't had sex that week, we have sex Saturday. And I want you to have fun with it. I'm game for whatever you want -- costumes, toys, role play -- I'll try anything besides a third person. I plan to put a lot of effort into making this enjoyable. And we will have sex once a week.

I didn't make it an ultimatum. There was no "or else." I just said what was going to happen. We didn't have sex that week until Saturday night. That was nerve-wracking. For context, we're both professionals with graduate degrees and we have three kids. Lives are very busy and we have a very balanced marriage. My wife is an extremely strong-willed individual. I don't tell her what to do. So this talk was very much out of the ordinary. About two months later we were on target and she thanked me for doing it. She said she was having a ball and needed that jump start. There have been periods when we've slowed down and weeks have gone by without sex, but all for legitimate health reasons. My only regret is that I didn't take that approach many years earlier.

Hope this helps. I feel for you, dude. It's one of the hardest things to do.

And she liked it. Take note, OP. You don't have to dominate your wife in general. But definitely insist on sex. And for christ sake don't be all weak and timid during sex, watching for signs she's into it. Just grab her and start putting her into different positions and tell her how hot her ass looks.

[Anonymous]

I think your wife is depressed. A huge sign of depression is not being able to obtain joy from things that previously brought on joy.

Ask her if she would be willing to get professionally evaluated because perhaps it could be something more physical.

It sounds like you are doing everything in your power to enhance sex for her, something inside her is resisting and you both need to find out exactly what that is.

I wish you both the best.

[Anonymous]

OP, you say you are having sex once every 3 weeks is that because she is saying no every other time you initiate or bc you are waiting on her to be spontaneous.

If the latter, then i think that you need to just be more aggressive (another woman). My husband also complains about wanted more sex but what he really wants is to be "seduced" (his words, I swear).

The truth is that for a lot of women sex is per se a "chore". They don't really enjoy it and could very well go without for years and not care, these women are not going to initiate but because they love their husband they will likely be a happy and willing participate when approached.

Finally, make time for sex - dont hop into bed 5 minutes before midnight and expect her to be willing to jump on you (yes, I am projecting).

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You wrote my story except that we were once a month or less. Here's what worked for me. It started with several conversations over the course of many years, probably similar to the ones you've had, minus the crying. Then, I waited for a moment when I knew we'd be alone for several minutes (not in the bedroom).

Here's what I said, I'm going to talk, and I'm not expecting you to respond. You can if you want, but I'm not expecting it. I've told you over the years at different times that I wanted more sex, but nothing has worked. A healthy marriage needs a healthy sex life. And we need a healthy marriage. Sex 10 times or fewer a year is defined as a sexless marriage. The average couple has sex 50-85 times a year. So, here's what we're going to do. We're going to have sex once a week. We'll pick a night -- I'll start with Saturday, but if you want a different night, that's fine -- to be the end. If Saturday rolls around and we haven't had sex that week, we have sex Saturday. And I want you to have fun with it. I'm game for whatever you want -- costumes, toys, role play -- I'll try anything besides a third person. I plan to put a lot of effort into making this enjoyable. And we will have sex once a week.

I didn't make it an ultimatum. There was no "or else." I just said what was going to happen. We didn't have sex that week until Saturday night. That was nerve-wracking. For context, we're both professionals with graduate degrees and we have three kids. Lives are very busy and we have a very balanced marriage. My wife is an extremely strong-willed individual. I don't tell her what to do. So this talk was very much out of the ordinary. About two months later we were on target and she thanked me for doing it. She said she was having a ball and needed that jump start. There have been periods when we've slowed down and weeks have gone by without sex, but all for legitimate health reasons. My only regret is that I didn't take that approach many years earlier.

Hope this helps. I feel for you, dude. It's one of the hardest things to do.

And she liked it. Take note, OP. You don't have to dominate your wife in general. But definitely insist on sex. And for christ sake don't be all weak and timid during sex, watching for signs she's into it. Just grab her and start putting her into different positions and tell her how hot her ass looks.

+1,000,000. This is such a huge turn-off - a half assed attempt at intimacy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

How did your wife respond when you had this conversation? Did she say anything? Push back at all? Or just listen and walk away?

As I mentioned, there was some crying. She said she felt like she wasn't good enough for me. She assured me that she thought I was attractive. She said she wanted to want to have sex but she didn't. I got a vasectomy and she got off the hormonal birth control. After that, the quality of the sex got better & she definitely seemed to enjoy it more. (Without getting into too much detail, she got her periods back and during certain parts of her cycle she's a lot more responsive -- if I can actually get sex started.) For awhile, after the initial awkwardness following the sex conversation passed, the frequency increased. I think she was making a point to read erotica and to make sure she was up for sex once a week or so.

I don't mind being unapologetic about my desire to have sex with her. But, I'm not giving her an ultimatum because, frankly, if the sex doesn't get any better, I love her enough and she's good enough to me in other ways that I'm just going to suck it up and deal with it. I don't mind being unapologetic about my desire for sex, but I'd like to be able to have a conversation that's productive without making her feel bad about herself and doesn't make her view sex negatively.

(Thanks, by the way, for all of the responses.)