Fiance, family , marriage, and history of sexual abuse.

[Anonymous]

OP - This is very, very hard for you, and you have taken the first step for yourself in choosing to work with a neutral, experienced professional you will hopefully be able to chart a way forward. As you do so in support of your fiance, you may have to have the inner strength to speak up for what you need to move forward to marriage. If he is not at the same point for whatever reasons at least you will have had guidance in how to be truthful to what you as well as he needs. This knowledge would have been too great for you to carry alone in considering the various facets to enter marriage. Just remember, it now not only about him, but about you two as a couple - loving, trusting and supporting one another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP - The length of the abuse your fiance experienced continued for way too long for other family members not to have known and became too much a part of life as he new it to be. Think about it that his entire construct of what a father(step dad) and son's relationship is was based on abuse for over a decade. You mentioned he said it was over 20 eyars ago - which means he is in his late 30s and probably there is again good reasons that he has never had a permanent relationship. He may very well love and trust you as no other in mentioning the abuse for the first time - BUT AGAIN, it came out in a moment of stress - not entirely in a moment of open and normal communication with someone you were going to marry. He needs professional help to be able to look at the past , the present relationship with his family before moving on to any kind of future with you or anyone. I know you do not want to hear this, but are you really sure the best move is to keep the June wedding date against all the very real possible unknowns in the future. There are tough questions you and your fiance would need to be able to answer: How will you both explain and will DH agree that no child be left alone in the care of his parents? Will you be able to trust him as a DH alone with your child? etc. etc. Again he was the victim, but you will become the victim, too, if both of you do not explore this situation iwith professional help.

This is what concerns me. OP you cannot ignore this. I don't think there's enough therapy in the world to turn your fiancé into a normal husband and father. It just won't happen. I'm glad you're attending counseling, maybe a professional will help you see the light.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. I trust my fiance and have no reason to believe he would ever harm a child.

Unfortunately the odds are he will (and might already have). Statistics are not in your favor here. Until you found out would you have thought his abuser would have hurt a child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. I trust my fiance and have no reason to believe he would ever harm a child.

Unfortunately the odds are he will (and might already have). Statistics are not in your favor here. Until you found out would you have thought his abuser would have hurt a child?

What you wrote OP is terrifying. Truly. I know you mean well. I know you don't want to "punish" your fiancé. But you are in way over your heard. Your fiancé has not even BEGUN the process to deal with this. The fact that he pretends all is normal is the biggest red flag of your life. There is actually a very high likelihood he may abuse a child. I am not saying he is a pedophile, I am saying he needs intensive therapy, alone and with you. You absolutely should not marry him until he either confronts his mom and dad. At a minimum he must tell his brother. I would guess there is a 99% change the brother was abused too. Please please don't be naive and allow this cycle to continue. You sound like a well meaning person. You finance is a victim and not too blame. But you can never ever pretend to yourself or to him that he has dealt with a decade or more of abuse from his own father. That part is on your OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes angry, mainly angry at the situation, for my fiance and sad too.
But also angry, because I thought his family was something that they aren't.
It's not about me in the sense that I wasn't the person abused, but this isn't just some random ONS or boyfriend, this is the guy I plan on spending the rest of my life with, his family becomes my family.
How does that work when there are those kind of people in his family?
I can figure out if I want to continue with him or not thank you very much.
I was hoping to find some advice from people who have actually dealt with this, and figure anonymous was the best way to start out.

There are "those kinds of people" in more families than apparently you're aware. If one out of 4 kids is sexually abused in childhood, it shouldn't be a huge shock that many of those people are in families with abuses and have to negotiate relationships and boundaries with said abuser.

My experience with this is that I maintain a relationship with my older brother who abused me. If my DH had been angry with ME when I told him about my brother, I would have dumped him on the spot. Seriously. This is not about YOU and you seriously need to examine your anger. It sounds like you had some idealistic expectations about this new family, and you are angry that they are not picture perfect idealized versions of that you had imagined. That's your shit to get over. Do not put that on your fiancé.

I had decades to confront and adapt my feelings toward my brother and set and adapt boundaries with him as situations changed and we both changed. If my DH had come in and expected me to share his anger and outrage, it would have been pretty inconsiderate. That said, I understood that it was difficult for him to resolve his hurt in my behalf with my choice to keep him in my family. I simply set very simple expectation for my DH: I didn't expect him to love or like my brother, but I did expect him to be cordial and polite and refrain from causing drama at family occasions because of his latent dislike of my brother. He has been able to do that, which I appreciate. And we talk privately about how comfortable we are with our son having a relationship with him. Right now, we agree that he can have contact with our child at joint family occasions, but will never stay alone at his house and he is not invited to sleep at ours.

Personally, you sound really immature to me and I hope you will read up on the issue of childhood sexual abuse and how you can support him better. And keep apologizing. You really messed up here.

Does your brother admit what he did? I can't believe even for a second you would consider letting your son be around him. And don't you think a molester has abused others? I guess its good you have "moved on" but are there other victims who might wish you had spoken up and spared them?

PP here. First of all, don't you dare put the responsibility of "other victims" on me. I am a survivor and my primary responsibility is to myself. Just as a rape survivor may choose not to report her rape for her own self-protective reasons, she is not responsible for the potential future crimes of the person who raped her, if there are any. That is solely and completely on the criminal, not the victim.

That said, I do not believe that my brother is a pedophile (I was an adolescent, not a child) and I do not have reason to believe that he has abused others. We both had a traumatic childhood in many ways, and my understanding from lots of research and therapy is that many, many siblings of trauma turn to another sibling in a sexual manner as an inappropriate way to seek comfort, or closeness, or power, or many other things that are lacking in the person's life. My brother was a teenager himself. That's not to say that what he did is excusable or okay in any way, but the point is that the behavior that he exhibited toward me is not necessarily indicative of a larger pattern of predation or sexual attraction to children.

I let my son be around him because I can protect my son in these situations and my brother has many good, loving qualities. He is part of my family and I do love him. But I do maintain a boundary with him, in that my child will not be alone with him or sleep in a house where he is sleeping. Not that I have recent reason to believe that there is danger, but because I want to eliminate all doubt for my own sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. I trust my fiance and have no reason to believe he would ever harm a child.

Unfortunately the odds are he will (and might already have). Statistics are not in your favor here. Until you found out would you have thought his abuser would have hurt a child?

What you wrote OP is terrifying. Truly. I know you mean well. I know you don't want to "punish" your fiancé. But you are in way over your heard. Your fiancé has not even BEGUN the process to deal with this. The fact that he pretends all is normal is the biggest red flag of your life. There is actually a very high likelihood he may abuse a child. I am not saying he is a pedophile, I am saying he needs intensive therapy, alone and with you. You absolutely should not marry him until he either confronts his mom and dad. At a minimum he must tell his brother. I would guess there is a 99% change the brother was abused too. Please please don't be naive and allow this cycle to continue. You sound like a well meaning person. You finance is a victim and not too blame. But you can never ever pretend to yourself or to him that he has dealt with a decade or more of abuse from his own father. That part is on your OP.

ITA with this poster. OP, your fiancé refuses counseling and has refused for 20 years. he hasn't told anybody about the abuse other than you. at least, therein it shows that he understands on some level that his stepfather's abuse of him is unacceptable. but he does not think enough of himself or his future to make any attempt at dealing with it. i do not want to victim blame; it was not his fault that he was abused at any age (even as a teenager, a PP said they couldn't believe that an older teenager would let himself be abused, which smacks of such ignorance i cannot even begin to comprehend that poster). but how he processes his abusive past and moves into a future where he could be thrown into being a parent is up to him, and only him. sure, you can force him to go to therapy, but if he does not want to he will not get out of it what he needs.

let me also tell you, OP, that becoming a parent makes you revisit your childhood and the relationship with your parents, and sometimes people find themselves saying (yelling) or doing (some people spanking, other people abusing) things that you had promised your younger self you wouldn't do to your future kids because, well, when in the situation as a parent with kids, that behavior is most familiar. absent your fiancé having massive therapy before you marry and procreate, this should terrify you.

[Anonymous]

I couldn't read the whole thread, but you made this about you, and it is not. The only time this becomes about you, is if you have kids. And in that circumstance, you have a right to make sure the abuser is not around your kids. That is a discussion to have. Not being mad at him for his relationship with his abuser, which might have many many complex layers.

I want to say one more thing, look into why this is making you angry. Like think about this for a while, and see if this is your gut trying to tell you to get out of this. And listen to your gut.

[Anonymous]

Geesh! So much judgement in here! I can't help, but think the responses would be far more compassionate if the roles were reversed and the victim was OP ( female) instead of her fiance ( male).

Why do so many seemed surprised her fiance hid this for so long?
It's what he's been used to, his entire childhood he had to hide the abuse to survive.
The abuse stopped 20 years ago when he was 18. and that magically means he supposed to know how to recover from an entire childhood of abuse because he's of legal age.
Doesn't work like that.
Did you ever consider the shame he must feel/felt?
Plus he's male so there's issues of masculinity and questioning sexuality at play.
That's not even taking into account family dynamics, what if the stepfather is a big deal in the community? Maybe he is or was law enforcement? Where do you go then?
Maybe he wanted to tell someone sooner, but was afraid of being judged or accused of being called a child abuser, and given the responses in this thread he would be right.
It's so easy to work everything out from behind a computer screen.
The only things he deserves is love, compassion, and support.
At least, OP seems to understand that.
She is wise to seek counseling, and hopefully that will prove beneficial to the both of them.

[Anonymous]

This is a PP here who had sexual abuse in her family and did not tell my spouse until after we married. I think people telling you to dump this man (who you love so much you decided to share your life with him) are treating him as if he, the victim, is damaged goods. No wonder men are so reluctant to tell anyone about abuse. I wonder if these same people would tell the fiance of a woman who was raped to run from her, because she could never ever have a normal sex life, etc.

However, I think it is good --beyond good, necessary, vital, essential -- that you go see a therapist/counselor to talk through your feelings on this. You need to MASSIVELY educate yourself about abuse dynamics. Books like "Betrayed as Boys" could help you. If you marry this man, the fallout from the abuse will affect your family. However, if your spouse is open to you and open to talking about this and getting treatment, then I don't see why it is any different than any number of difficult things that couples can choose to confront together.

From now until June is a lot of time. You can ALWAYS change your mind, before you walk down the aisle. Right now is a time to support your fiance, who has confided something truly huge to you, and to educate yourself about sexual abuse dynamics and think about what your future would be like. Your fiance told you and now you can move forward with your eyes open.

I will say that, from personal experience, having children and a family of your own brings back a lot of childhood memories. It can be difficult. If I were contemplating marriage to someone like me, I would be a lot more comfortable if that person was dealing with this in therapy (as I am)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Geesh! So much judgement in here! I can't help, but think the responses would be far more compassionate if the roles were reversed and the victim was OP ( female) instead of her fiance ( male).

Why do so many seemed surprised her fiance hid this for so long?
It's what he's been used to, his entire childhood he had to hide the abuse to survive.
The abuse stopped 20 years ago when he was 18. and that magically means he supposed to know how to recover from an entire childhood of abuse because he's of legal age.
Doesn't work like that.
Did you ever consider the shame he must feel/felt?
Plus he's male so there's issues of masculinity and questioning sexuality at play.
That's not even taking into account family dynamics, what if the stepfather is a big deal in the community? Maybe he is or was law enforcement? Where do you go then?
Maybe he wanted to tell someone sooner, but was afraid of being judged or accused of being called a child abuser, and given the responses in this thread he would be right.
It's so easy to work everything out from behind a computer screen.
The only things he deserves is love, compassion, and support.
At least, OP seems to understand that.
She is wise to seek counseling, and hopefully that will prove beneficial to the both of them.

No one is victim blaming, just being realistic. . Op's fiancé hasn't been in therapy . He hasn't started the healing process. If op goes ahead and marries him with things the way they are it will end in disaster.. Op has the right to insist on counseling and boundaries with his family. Being compassionate doesn't equal being blind to your situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Geesh! So much judgement in here! I can't help, but think the responses would be far more compassionate if the roles were reversed and the victim was OP ( female) instead of her fiance ( male).

Why do so many seemed surprised her fiance hid this for so long?
It's what he's been used to, his entire childhood he had to hide the abuse to survive.
The abuse stopped 20 years ago when he was 18. and that magically means he supposed to know how to recover from an entire childhood of abuse because he's of legal age.
Doesn't work like that.
Did you ever consider the shame he must feel/felt?
Plus he's male so there's issues of masculinity and questioning sexuality at play.
That's not even taking into account family dynamics, what if the stepfather is a big deal in the community? Maybe he is or was law enforcement? Where do you go then?
Maybe he wanted to tell someone sooner, but was afraid of being judged or accused of being called a child abuser, and given the responses in this thread he would be right.
It's so easy to work everything out from behind a computer screen.
The only things he deserves is love, compassion, and support.
At least, OP seems to understand that.
She is wise to seek counseling, and hopefully that will prove beneficial to the both of them.

No one is victim blaming, just being realistic. . Op's fiancé hasn't been in therapy . He hasn't started the healing process. If op goes ahead and marries him with things the way they are it will end in disaster.. Op has the right to insist on counseling and boundaries with his family. Being compassionate doesn't equal being blind to your situation.

This is a rack of bullshit. There is no formal "healing process" that the victim of sexual abuse must follow in order to be considered to be safe to get married and have a family. No. No there is not. Sexual abuse of children has happened for centuries before there were even things like mental health counselors, and you know what? I think some people went on with their lives and managed to be functional, have relationships, raise children. Somehow. Without therapy.

There is no formal, proscribed script that a victim must follow in order to be worthy of love. And seeing a therapist is no guarantee of getting better, unfortunately. I saw a psychiatrist for years, someone who was frequently featured in the Washingtonian Top Doctors and was considered an authority in the DC area, and guess what? He was a total fucking lunatic who ruined many people's lives by urging them to use hypnosis to help recover memories of their sexual abuse in order to heal. And then he "recovered" memories that never happened, causing innocent people to be accused of crimes, ruining lives left and right. And he was considered an expert. So, no, mental health professionals aren't necessarily the key to a good life for a survivor.

That's not to say that counseling with a good, reputable counselor can't help. But so can a trusted friend. So can reading. So can finding other sources of healing and trust and safety. A counselor is not the be all, end all, and there is no workbook or recipe or whatever for a "healing process".

Unfortunately, OP's fiance's most recent step in the "healing process" was to confide his secret in the person he trusted the most, and she has really, really hurt him. I hope he can find a more mature, knowledgable, and helpful source of comfort if he is able to trust someone again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a PP here who had sexual abuse in her family and did not tell my spouse until after we married. I think people telling you to dump this man (who you love so much you decided to share your life with him) are treating him as if he, the victim, is damaged goods. No wonder men are so reluctant to tell anyone about abuse. I wonder if these same people would tell the fiance of a woman who was raped to run from her, because she could never ever have a normal sex life, etc.

However, I think it is good --beyond good, necessary, vital, essential -- that you go see a therapist/counselor to talk through your feelings on this. You need to MASSIVELY educate yourself about abuse dynamics. Books like "Betrayed as Boys" could help you. If you marry this man, the fallout from the abuse will affect your family. However, if your spouse is open to you and open to talking about this and getting treatment, then I don't see why it is any different than any number of difficult things that couples can choose to confront together.

From now until June is a lot of time. You can ALWAYS change your mind, before you walk down the aisle. Right now is a time to support your fiance, who has confided something truly huge to you, and to educate yourself about sexual abuse dynamics and think about what your future would be like. Your fiance told you and now you can move forward with your eyes open.

I will say that, from personal experience, having children and a family of your own brings back a lot of childhood memories. It can be difficult. If I were contemplating marriage to someone like me, I would be a lot more comfortable if that person was dealing with this in therapy (as I am)

But, if you are the PP I think you are, you have gone to therapy, right? OP's fiance not only hasn't gone to therapy, he still doesn't want to - which means he will not deal with this even though it likely still effects and shapes his life.

My husband faced neglect and emotional abuse growing up - way less serious, IMO, than sexual abuse over a long period by a step father. It nearly destroyed our marriage until H went into therapy and dealt with the issues steming from his mother and found better ways to deal with his emotions and others responses to him. These things cannot be burried. And there effects are often bottled up until person can no longer handle it and they slowly creep out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Geesh! So much judgement in here! I can't help, but think the responses would be far more compassionate if the roles were reversed and the victim was OP ( female) instead of her fiance ( male).

Why do so many seemed surprised her fiance hid this for so long?
It's what he's been used to, his entire childhood he had to hide the abuse to survive.
The abuse stopped 20 years ago when he was 18. and that magically means he supposed to know how to recover from an entire childhood of abuse because he's of legal age.
Doesn't work like that.
Did you ever consider the shame he must feel/felt?
Plus he's male so there's issues of masculinity and questioning sexuality at play.
That's not even taking into account family dynamics, what if the stepfather is a big deal in the community? Maybe he is or was law enforcement? Where do you go then?
Maybe he wanted to tell someone sooner, but was afraid of being judged or accused of being called a child abuser, and given the responses in this thread he would be right.
It's so easy to work everything out from behind a computer screen.
The only things he deserves is love, compassion, and support.
At least, OP seems to understand that.
She is wise to seek counseling, and hopefully that will prove beneficial to the both of them.

No one is victim blaming, just being realistic. . Op's fiancé hasn't been in therapy . He hasn't started the healing process. If op goes ahead and marries him with things the way they are it will end in disaster.. Op has the right to insist on counseling and boundaries with his family. Being compassionate doesn't equal being blind to your situation.

This is a rack of bullshit. There is no formal "healing process" that the victim of sexual abuse must follow in order to be considered to be safe to get married and have a family. No. No there is not. Sexual abuse of children has happened for centuries before there were even things like mental health counselors, and you know what? I think some people went on with their lives and managed to be functional, have relationships, raise children. Somehow. Without therapy.

There is no formal, proscribed script that a victim must follow in order to be worthy of love. And seeing a therapist is no guarantee of getting better, unfortunately. I saw a psychiatrist for years, someone who was frequently featured in the Washingtonian Top Doctors and was considered an authority in the DC area, and guess what? He was a total fucking lunatic who ruined many people's lives by urging them to use hypnosis to help recover memories of their sexual abuse in order to heal. And then he "recovered" memories that never happened, causing innocent people to be accused of crimes, ruining lives left and right. And he was considered an expert. So, no, mental health professionals aren't necessarily the key to a good life for a survivor.

That's not to say that counseling with a good, reputable counselor can't help. But so can a trusted friend. So can reading. So can finding other sources of healing and trust and safety. A counselor is not the be all, end all, and there is no workbook or recipe or whatever for a "healing process".

Unfortunately, OP's fiance's most recent step in the "healing process" was to confide his secret in the person he trusted the most, and she has really, really hurt him. I hope he can find a more mature, knowledgable, and helpful source of comfort if he is able to trust someone again.

What has OP done that is so wrong? Was she supposed to be happy her future in-laws are child abusers? Was she supposed to help her fiance keep the family secret and pretend like nothing is wrong, let them babysit the future grandchildren?
OP is right to seek outside resources.
I'm sorry for what you went through, but you are very very wrong about this situation.

[Anonymous]

There is no way I'd marry someone that damaged and broken. Good chance his brother was abused as well. So what you have kids and have to worry about their father, their uncle and their grandfather abusing them? What if your husband is cool with future kids sleeping over at their grandparent's house? I can't even begin to understand how it occurred for so long and they are still on friendly terms. Aren't you terrified that they still engage in sexual acts together? Why would it magically stop at 18?

He is broken, just move on.

[Anonymous]

OP. First of all, I am sickened by what your fiancé has suffered. I do think it's wonderful that he trusted you to tell you.

Marriage and parenthood- if kids are in your plans- are really hard, even with the best start. The sad reality of your situation is that you do NOT have an opportunity to have the life you envisioned with this man. Take some time to grieve for that, but you must face it. His father, untreated, should not have contact with any children. Period.

Keeping your June wedding plans is not a good idea. This guy might still be the one,but not in his current state. The fact that he has buried this for so long does NOT mean he is ok. I agree that his abuser likely harmed others, probably the brother. I also fear that marrying into a family with this situation is a safety issue unless you and your fiancé get some serious help working through it. As other PPs have pointed out, these patterns repeat in families.

Your posts seem like you aren't quite ready to accept the situation. That's understandable, but pressures will only mount between now and June. Bease put the wedding on hold. Focus on what matters most- a healthy marriage.