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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

OP here. I trust my fiance and have no reason to believe he would ever harm a child.[/quote]

Unfortunately the odds are he will (and might already have).  Statistics are not in your favor here.  Until you found out would you have thought his abuser would have hurt a child?[/quote]

What you wrote OP is terrifying. Truly.  I know you mean well. I know you don't want to "punish" your fiancé. But you are in way over your heard. Your fiancé has not even BEGUN the process to deal with this. The fact that he pretends all is normal is the biggest red flag of your life.  There is actually a very high likelihood he may abuse a child.  I am not saying he is a pedophile, I am saying he needs intensive therapy, alone and with you.  You absolutely should not marry him until he either confronts his mom and dad. At a minimum he must tell his brother. I would guess there is a 99% change the brother was abused too.  Please please don't be naive and allow this cycle to continue.  You sound like a well meaning person.  You finance is a victim and not too blame. But you can never ever pretend to yourself or to him that he has dealt with a decade or more of abuse from his own father.   That part is on your OP.[/quote]

ITA with this poster.  OP, your fiancé refuses counseling and has refused for 20 years.  he hasn't told anybody about the abuse other than you.  at least, therein it shows that he understands on some level that his stepfather's abuse of him is unacceptable.  but he does not think enough of himself or his future to make any attempt at dealing with it.  i do not want to victim blame; it was not his fault that he was abused at any age (even as a teenager, a PP said they couldn't believe that an older teenager would let himself be abused, which smacks of such ignorance i cannot even begin to comprehend that poster).  but how he processes his abusive past and moves into a future where he could be thrown into being a parent is up to him, and only him.  sure, you can force him to go to therapy, but if he does not want to he will not get out of it what he needs.

let me also tell you, OP, that becoming a parent makes you revisit your childhood and the relationship with your parents, and sometimes people find themselves saying (yelling) or doing (some people spanking, other people abusing) things that you had promised your younger self you wouldn't do to your future kids because, well, when in the situation as a parent with kids, that behavior is most familiar.  absent your fiancé having massive therapy before you marry and procreate, this should terrify you.[/quote]

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