Reply to Fiance, family , marriage, and history of sexual abuse.

Forum Index » Family Relationships

Reply to "Fiance, family , marriage, and history of sexual abuse."

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Geesh! So much judgement in here! I can't help, but think the responses would be far more compassionate if the roles were reversed and the victim was OP ( female) instead of her fiance ( male).

Why do so many seemed surprised her fiance hid this for so long?
It's what he's been used to, his entire childhood he had to hide the abuse to survive.
The abuse stopped 20 years ago when he was 18. and that magically means he supposed to know how to recover from an entire childhood of abuse because he's of legal age.
Doesn't work like that.
Did you ever consider the shame he must feel/felt?
Plus he's male so there's issues of masculinity and questioning sexuality at play.
That's not even taking into account family dynamics, what if the stepfather is a big deal in the community? Maybe he is or was law enforcement? Where do you go then?
Maybe he wanted to tell someone sooner, but was afraid of being judged or accused of being  called a child abuser, and given the responses in this thread he would be right.
It's so easy to work everything out from behind a computer screen.
The only things he deserves is love, compassion, and support.
At least, OP seems to understand that.
She is wise to seek counseling, and hopefully that will prove beneficial to the both of them.[/quote]

No one is victim blaming, just being realistic. . Op's fiancé hasn't been in therapy . He hasn't started the healing process. If op goes ahead and marries him  with things the way they are it will end in disaster.. Op has the right to insist on counseling and boundaries with his family. Being compassionate doesn't equal being blind to your situation.[/quote]

This is a rack of bullshit.  There is no formal "healing process" that the victim of sexual abuse must follow in order to be considered to be safe to get married and have a family.  No. No there is not.  Sexual abuse of children has happened for centuries before there were even things like mental health counselors, and you know what?  I think some people went on with their lives and managed to be functional, have relationships, raise children.  Somehow.  Without therapy.

There is no formal, proscribed script that a victim must follow in order to be worthy of love.  And seeing a therapist is no guarantee of getting better, unfortunately.  I saw a psychiatrist for years, someone who was frequently featured in the Washingtonian Top Doctors and was considered an authority in the DC area, and guess what?  He was a total fucking lunatic who ruined many people's lives by urging them to use hypnosis to help recover memories of their sexual abuse in order to heal.  And then he "recovered" memories that never happened, causing innocent people to be accused of crimes, ruining lives left and right.  And he was considered an expert.  So, no, mental health professionals aren't necessarily the key to a good life for a survivor.

That's not to say that counseling with a good, reputable counselor can't help.  But so can a trusted friend.  So can reading.  So can finding other sources of healing and trust and safety.  A counselor is not the be all, end all, and there is no workbook or recipe or whatever for a "healing process".

[b]Unfortunately, OP's fiance's most recent step in the "healing process" was to confide his secret in the person he trusted the most, and she has really, really hurt him.  I hope he can find a more mature, knowledgable, and helpful source of comfort if he is able to trust someone again. [/quote][/b]

What has OP done that is so wrong? Was she supposed to be happy her future in-laws are child abusers? Was she supposed to help her fiance keep the family secret and pretend like nothing is wrong,  let them babysit the future grandchildren?
OP is right to seek outside resources.
I'm sorry for what you went through, but you are very very wrong about this situation.[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics