Fiance, family , marriage, and history of sexual abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm in the same situation with my DH, except one of his abusers (his dad) is dead and the other is a cousin whom we rarely see. The abuse went on for years. My biggest issue is with his mom, and I have found it difficult to have an open and healthy relationship with her because of my resentment over her failure to protect her son. This thread is of great interest to me. I understand in my head that she was not responsible, but in my heart, I cannot imagine not noticing what was happening to my children and I suppose I do hold her somewhat responsible for not protecting him.

If you stay in this relationship, just know that this issue will be a recurring presence in your life. You will always have to consider which family members you'll let your children be alone with, or worry about holidays etc. If you can't deal with that, get out now, for both of your sakes.

OP here, when did your husband tell you about the abuse?
My fiance' was abused by his father as well, technically his stepfather, but he pretty much adopted him, his bio dad died when he was 4 and stepdad has been in his life since he was 6, so he raised him. My fiance' always went on about what a great dad he was, and now knowing what I know. I don't understand how he can think that.
Like you I'm upset with his mother as well, the abuse went on for years, and I just don't believe she didn't know anything. I suppose she could have been fooled, I don't have kids yet, but you think you would notice something like that going on in your own home. Just thinking about how she fawns over this man now makes me sick.

Which is funny because I used to love that they were still " so in love" after 30 years together.
How do you cope? How do you handle having to be around your DH's side of the family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something is wrong when he still wants to engage with his abuser. I'd really be careful getting into a marriage with him. He needs therapy before you can marry him.

A lot is wrong and there's no point in OP waiting out his therapy if he ever does it because it will take DECADES for him to finish, if ever.

Listen, not only is this guy still interacting with his abuser, he is probably still having sex with his abuser.

The fiancee might also be an abuser of children himself.

The entire family is fucked up, they probably all know about the abuse, they are all covering it up.

It sounds like a complete nightmare and OP owes her fiancee NOTHING.

OP, just cut this guy out of your life and move on and don't look back. Don't waste any more of your life with this situation.

Op here, Have you never been in love with someone? I can't just leave him because something his father did.
It's not easy to just walk away, and I don't want to yet. We haven't talked about future boundaries, because this all new- to me.
I did get very upset with him, we fought over this, but then I realized that wasn't fair to him.
I don't know if he'll go to therapy, he hasn't wanted to talk about it since Saturday when he told me, which is partially my fault since I yelled at him for not telling me the whole truth earlier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm in the same situation with my DH, except one of his abusers (his dad) is dead and the other is a cousin whom we rarely see. The abuse went on for years. My biggest issue is with his mom, and I have found it difficult to have an open and healthy relationship with her because of my resentment over her failure to protect her son. This thread is of great interest to me. I understand in my head that she was not responsible, but in my heart, I cannot imagine not noticing what was happening to my children and I suppose I do hold her somewhat responsible for not protecting him.

If you stay in this relationship, just know that this issue will be a recurring presence in your life. You will always have to consider which family members you'll let your children be alone with, or worry about holidays etc. If you can't deal with that, get out now, for both of your sakes.

OP here, when did your husband tell you about the abuse?
My fiance' was abused by his father as well, technically his stepfather, but he pretty much adopted him, his bio dad died when he was 4 and stepdad has been in his life since he was 6, so he raised him. My fiance' always went on about what a great dad he was, and now knowing what I know. I don't understand how he can think that.
Like you I'm upset with his mother as well, the abuse went on for years, and I just don't believe she didn't know anything. I suppose she could have been fooled, I don't have kids yet, but you think you would notice something like that going on in your own home. Just thinking about how she fawns over this man now makes me sick.

Which is funny because I used to love that they were still " so in love" after 30 years together.
How do you cope? How do you handle having to be around your DH's side of the family?

If I were you - I would walk. There would be no way in hell I would allow my children around his parents. Ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, how old was the abuser when it happened?

What does that have to do with anything?

OP already answered the question, but as I said earlier, my point is that if the abuser was a young child, it could have been perceived as mutual exploration. Looking back, one child might realize he/she was taken advantage of; but the other child might remember the situation as mutual. I'm trying to understand why OP's husband is so forgiving and laid back about the situation, and I thought maybe this could be the reason. OP later said her dh was only age 7 and the abuser was "much older," so I don't think this was the case. I'm just answering your question because in some situations, the age of the "abuser" or aggressor can have a lot to do with whether one might be able to forgive, or whether one might be concerned that he's still an abuser as an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I don't want to back out of marriage yet.
I'm just trying to sort this all out in my mind. It's a lot to take on.
I know it's not easy for him either, and I don't blame him for not telling me sooner,even though I wish he had.
I'm having a hard time understanding it. My fiance is not at all a passive guy, so the fact that he still regularly engages with this person is very confusing to me. I'm sure talking to a counselor will help.
" Telling" here has helped a little too, honestly I felt like I was going to boil over the last couple of days.

You have no choice but to back out of the marriage.

Your relationship with the fiance was under false pretenses because he hid this from you for so long. That's part of his dysfunction--participating in the secrecy and concealment and protection of the abuser even though your fiance is an adult. He never got the therapy he needs. Well--you're not his therapist. Anyone who would willingly tolerate being around someone who abused him like that, is himself, broken. He wants to marry you solely to tell himself he is "normal" and marrying you would make him "normal."

You SHOULD blame him for not telling you sooner. That's his obligation to you, and he failed you. The fact that he still regularly engages his abuser means your fiance is sick in the head. There is every likelihood that he still has sex, as an adult, with his abuser.

This is a no win situation for you OP because you are never going to know what your fiance "forgot" to tell you about that's very important.

Listen to your gut. It is screaming at you, get out NOW, don't feel guilty about it, and don't apologize. Move the FUCK on.

That's not fair! He is a good guy. I just wanted advice on how to navigate this from those who have btdt, not see my fiance' be called names and accused of being a pedophile himself by posters.
Thanks to those who provided advice and shared stories. I need to take a break from this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something is wrong when he still wants to engage with his abuser. I'd really be careful getting into a marriage with him. He needs therapy before you can marry him.

A lot is wrong and there's no point in OP waiting out his therapy if he ever does it because it will take DECADES for him to finish, if ever.

Listen, not only is this guy still interacting with his abuser, he is probably still having sex with his abuser.

The fiancee might also be an abuser of children himself.

The entire family is fucked up, they probably all know about the abuse, they are all covering it up.

It sounds like a complete nightmare and OP owes her fiancee NOTHING.

OP, just cut this guy out of your life and move on and don't look back. Don't waste any more of your life with this situation.

Op here, Have you never been in love with someone? I can't just leave him because something his father did.
It's not easy to just walk away, and I don't want to yet. We haven't talked about future boundaries, because this all new- to me.
I did get very upset with him, we fought over this, but then I realized that wasn't fair to him.
I don't know if he'll go to therapy, he hasn't wanted to talk about it since Saturday when he told me, which is partially my fault since I yelled at him for not telling me the whole truth earlier.

You don't know if your fiance will go into therapy. He hasn't wanted to talk about it since he told you a few days ago. You are worried about not making waves with his family before the holiday get-togethers.

He and his family and his stepdad who is/was the abuser fooled you into thinking that they were a happy family...

You are setting yourself up for misery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm in the same situation with my DH, except one of his abusers (his dad) is dead and the other is a cousin whom we rarely see. The abuse went on for years. My biggest issue is with his mom, and I have found it difficult to have an open and healthy relationship with her because of my resentment over her failure to protect her son. This thread is of great interest to me. I understand in my head that she was not responsible, but in my heart, I cannot imagine not noticing what was happening to my children and I suppose I do hold her somewhat responsible for not protecting him.

If you stay in this relationship, just know that this issue will be a recurring presence in your life. You will always have to consider which family members you'll let your children be alone with, or worry about holidays etc. If you can't deal with that, get out now, for both of your sakes.

OP here, when did your husband tell you about the abuse?
My fiance' was abused by his father as well, technically his stepfather, but he pretty much adopted him, his bio dad died when he was 4 and stepdad has been in his life since he was 6, so he raised him. My fiance' always went on about what a great dad he was, and now knowing what I know. I don't understand how he can think that.
Like you I'm upset with his mother as well, the abuse went on for years, and I just don't believe she didn't know anything. I suppose she could have been fooled, I don't have kids yet, but you think you would notice something like that going on in your own home. Just thinking about how she fawns over this man now makes me sick.

Which is funny because I used to love that they were still " so in love" after 30 years together.
How do you cope? How do you handle having to be around your DH's side of the family?

PP here. It's tough, I won't lie to you. DH told me less than a month in to our relationship about the abuse. He'd been in therapy for years and was and is very open about it. He wanted me to know before we got too in too deep. He was worried for a long time that I'd think he would abuse our children, but he is so wonderful with them and so protective.

I'm glad his dad is dead. As to your situation, I can't imagine having to interact with him at holidays. My DH has a somewhat rosy memory of better times with his dad, but his dad was also an alcoholic and physically and emotionally abusive. It is only because of years of therapy that my husband has emerged as the successful, compassionate, smart, and kind man that I know. If you fiance hasn't been in therapy, I'd be very cautious about setting a wedding date. I would also insist that he go to couples counseling with you--we have spent some time there and it's invaluable.

Like I said, the situation is very, very difficult. I don't regret marrying my husband after all these years, but we don't live anywhere near his family and never will. I just don't trust them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you angry? You weren't abused. Your fiancé has chosen to maintain a relationship with his abuser. He has almost certainly had more time to deal with this than you. This isn't about you. At all. If you can't get over the fact that he maintains a relationship with this person that he isn't the guy for you and you need to move on. Angry? Smh.

She's entitled to her own feelings. And yes, she does play a part in this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes angry, mainly angry at the situation, for my fiance and sad too.
But also angry, because I thought his family was something that they aren't.

Tough cookies. Grow up and accept the present situation as he has (and be a supportive partner) or do him a favor and get lost. Nobody likes a whiner.

You need counseling, PP.

OP, I suggest you find some counseling for yourself as well. This is a lot to take on in a relationship. You are not a bad person, and it sounds like you have a big heart. Of course, you're angry. Someone you love was hurt, albeit many years ago. It's really only natural to be struggling with your emotions. If this is the guy you want to marry, seek counseling, and perhaps the two of you should attend together. This is not small thing to get over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something is wrong when he still wants to engage with his abuser. I'd really be careful getting into a marriage with him. He needs therapy before you can marry him.

A lot is wrong and there's no point in OP waiting out his therapy if he ever does it because it will take DECADES for him to finish, if ever.

Listen, not only is this guy still interacting with his abuser, he is probably still having sex with his abuser.

The fiancee might also be an abuser of children himself.

The entire family is fucked up, they probably all know about the abuse, they are all covering it up.

It sounds like a complete nightmare and OP owes her fiancee NOTHING.

OP, just cut this guy out of your life and move on and don't look back. Don't waste any more of your life with this situation.

WTH? You have issues pp. If I were in op's situation I would leave, but let's not be heartless. Op's fiancé is the victim. It's a heartbreaking situation all around.

[Anonymous]

You have a,right to feel betrayed in finding out a person you liked and trusted is an abuser.

The fact that he didn't tell you until you were engaged is a red flag.. The fact that he doesn't want to talk to you or a couples counselor is a red flag. IDK if you two have concretely discussed having children but that needs to happen in light of this.

I'd tell him it's either counseling or break of the engagement. It's a lot easier to break an engagement than to get a divorce

[Anonymous]

As a survivor of abuse myself, I think your fiance needs to decide how he wants to deal with his abuse, and you need to decide if you can support him in whatever he decides. However, you should discuss the implications for any kids you might have, and make sure you're on the same page as far as boundaries. I was abused by my stepfather. I told my DH about it pretty early in the relationship, and also had counseling. I couldn't stand being around my stepfather, but did see him occasionally so I could maintain a relationship with my mother. Once we got engaged, I told my mother about the abuse, because I did not want my stepfather at my wedding. Once my son was born, I told my mom that he could never be around her husband. This resulted in my mom only seeing her grandson twice in the first three years, until my stepfather died a couple of years ago. My DH didn't like being around my stepfather even before we had kids (and in our case, visits were rare, as I also tried to limit contact while still seeing my mother occasionally), but he was always supportive of how I wanted to handle it. Your situation seems a bit different since your fiance seems to have a closer relationship with his family, so I would suggest talking very seriously about boundaries regarding children before you move forward.

[Anonymous]

OP - This is a very, very complicated situation and rather than a random and anonymous board, take the time for yourself to go to a therapist to help you work through the related issues that come with learning this news for yourself first of all. You will obviously have feeling from seeing this close family member on your wedding day and moving forward. I also think that your fiance owes it to you and your "future family" to be willing to have couples therapy, too. You need to understand how he has dealt with his past and also to work together before marriage how future relationships will be. I honestly think to do this, that perhaps you and your fiance need a longer term of engagement. You do not indicate how long you have known him and how long you have been engaged and the fact that this important personal information just "came out" after an argument may well also set off a warning sign of how he might react towards you or children in the future. It is essential that you recognize that your fiance will become DH and DD AND if you do not have full assurance that he has dealt with abuse related issues they may well surface in your marriage even if he does not intentionally expect them to do so. I would say it is not so much about walking away, but about how much both of you are willing to work on communication etc with counseling to build a future. It is not just about what you will be willing to accept and do for him, but also about what he is willing to do for you to make a strong marriage and most importantly to protect any future children from abuse by anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes angry, mainly angry at the situation, for my fiance and sad too.
But also angry, because I thought his family was something that they aren't.
It's not about me in the sense that I wasn't the person abused, but this isn't just some random ONS or boyfriend, this is the guy I plan on spending the rest of my life with, his family becomes my family.
How does that work when there are those kind of people in his family?
I can figure out if I want to continue with him or not thank you very much.
I was hoping to find some advice from people who have actually dealt with this, and figure anonymous was the best way to start out.

I don't think you are wrong for feeling angry or deceived.

I dealt with this in my relationship with my ex-husband and I wish I had not married him and just moved on with my life. His past caused me so much pain, not only in our marriage, but in my life. We already had our 2 kids when we were in our early 20s and decided to marry after a tumultuous relationship in order to give our kids a stable family. Yeah right. I suspected he had been abused by his stepdad(adopted father) all along because of how he acted around him. He was always on edge and seemed to lash out at me after we spent time with this man. However, the father was not someone I admired and it amazed me that he seemed to have such power over people with such an acerbic and nasty personality. I think he was triggered when we got married and moved to the same city as his father. We moved there for economic reasons and I was too young and inexperienced to realize being anywhere near this man spelled doom for my relationship with my new husband. He is a true psychopath and pedophile in every sense of the word. So I was also VERY ANGRY when I found out he had, in fact, been sexually abused by him. I had asked my ex over and over if it was true and he had denied it for years. Looking back, I handled it horribly and I wasn't as supportive towards my ex as I should have been. He also had a history of substance abuse, definitely caused by his abuse.

Being with anyone who has been sexually abused and is not actively working through their issues is a HUGE RED FLAG. Having kids with them is a gamble and should not be taken lightly. I put up major boundaries with his family around my kids and kept them safe. They were never allowed to be around my kids without me present and really didn't want to be because of how dysfunctional they are. Their grandfather knew he wasn't getting away with his behavior around me because I confronted him about it despite his denials. After we finally broke up, my ex spiraled into drug abuse and ended up passing way from his abuse problem. It all has been a nightmare that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. My experience is extreme but I hope you can see where it could go.

My ex didn't want to get help and just wanted to drink his pain away. Yes, it's heartbreaking but who wants to raise kids with someone who is so damaged and just DOES NOT WANT HELP? You know your fiance but it does strike me as unhealthy that he has not put up boundaries with his abuser. He may still be struggling and in fear, despite being a grown man. That is what this kind of abuse does to a person. May I suggest you start doing your own research and read Allies in Healing. It helped me gain perspective and insight into my ex's dilemma nad why he felt compelled to stay in relationship with his abuser, though I was against it. I agree you both should be in counseling.

Thank you for sharing your story. It seems you understand what I'm trying to say. This is all very overwhelming. I'm not saying that I don't love my fiance or somehow blame him.
I just don't know how to reconcile being related to the abuser. I don't think I can go along with it and pretend. I'm already dreading Thanksgiving. It's a few weeks a ways, but I can't exactly pull out without causing drama. I don't want to cause drama and make problems for my fiance.

I honestly do not know if he's spoken to someone about it, I haven't asked him about it, but my gut tells me he hasn't, and I don't know if he would. He doesn't use drugs , but he does drink not to the point of being out of control, but he drinks. I'm not a drinker so it probably stands out to me, and may not mean anything.
His relationship history is busy, but what guy in his 30s hasn't had lots of girlfriends, he was engaged once before me, but I think he's grown up a lot since then so that doesn't worry me, so much. Other than that he's pretty normal, very moody at times, but who isn't. Honestly, knowing what I now know is putting a lot of things into perspective.
I don't want to analyze him.

PP again. Seems as though op has stopped responding, but I'll ask anyway,
Do you think he is coping with his pain by drinking?
I don't know if you've answered this, but does his mother or anyone in the family know about the abuse?

The most concerning thing to me is that your fiancé seems to be in denial about it, saying he's okay and over it, you mentioned elsewhere he thinks his stepdad was a good father, and he only told you after you all were engaged. All that says to me is he has not dealt with it and has not healed

Red flags all over. Please speak to a counselor who can advise you on how this will impact your relationship and marriage should you choose to marry him.

Op, I know you love him, but this a huge thing you can't just sweep it under the rug, he may not want to , but he has to talk to you about this.
I not saying he is a bad guy, but the only way this relationship will last is if he is willing to open up and receive counseling and stop pretending.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something is wrong when he still wants to engage with his abuser. I'd really be careful getting into a marriage with him. He needs therapy before you can marry him.

A lot is wrong and there's no point in OP waiting out his therapy if he ever does it because it will take DECADES for him to finish, if ever.

Listen, not only is this guy still interacting with his abuser, he is probably still having sex with his abuser.

The fiancee might also be an abuser of children himself.

The entire family is fucked up, they probably all know about the abuse, they are all covering it up.

It sounds like a complete nightmare and OP owes her fiancee NOTHING.

OP, just cut this guy out of your life and move on and don't look back. Don't waste any more of your life with this situation.

W.T. F.?
How did you reach that conclusion, pp?