Reply to Fiance, family , marriage, and history of sexual abuse.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is a PP here who had sexual abuse in her family and did not tell my spouse until after we married. I think people telling you to dump this man (who you love so much you decided to share your life with him) are treating him as if he, the victim, is damaged goods. No wonder men are so reluctant to tell anyone about abuse. I wonder if these same people would tell the fiance of a woman who was raped to run from her, because she could never ever have a normal sex life, etc.

However, I think it is good --beyond good, necessary, vital, essential -- that you go see a therapist/counselor to talk through your feelings on this. You need to MASSIVELY educate yourself about abuse dynamics. Books like "Betrayed as Boys" could help you. If you marry this man, the fallout from the abuse will affect your family. However, if your spouse is open to you and open to talking about this and getting treatment, then I don't see why it is any different than any number of difficult things that couples can choose to confront together.

From now until June is a lot of time. You can ALWAYS change your mind, before you walk down the aisle. Right now is a time to support your fiance, who has confided something truly huge to you, and to educate yourself about sexual abuse dynamics and think about what your future would be like. Your fiance told you and now you can move forward with your eyes open.

I will say that, from personal experience, having children and a family of your own brings back a lot of childhood memories. It can be difficult. If I were contemplating marriage to someone like me, I would be a lot more comfortable if that person was dealing with this in therapy (as I am)[/quote]

But, if you are the PP I think you are, you have gone to therapy, right?  OP's fiance not only hasn't gone to therapy, he still doesn't want to - which means he will not deal with this even though it likely still effects and shapes his life.

My husband faced neglect and emotional abuse growing up - way less serious, IMO, than sexual abuse over a long period by a step father.  It nearly destroyed our marriage until H went into therapy and dealt with the issues steming from his mother and found better ways to deal with his emotions and others responses to him.  These things cannot be burried. And there effects are often bottled up until person can no longer handle it and they slowly creep out.  [/quote]

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