Fiance, family , marriage, and history of sexual abuse.

[Anonymous]

Wow, some pretty judgmental folks on this thread, telling her to dump this guy.

Good thing my husband did not get that advice before he married me. We were married 5 years before I told him anything about the sexual abuse in my family.

OP, you need to educate yourself about this issue. My DH was not supportive of me when I initially told him. (You were not supportive of your fiance; you should not have been angry at him.) The dynamics are extremely complicated. I choose to have a relationship with my family members because they are the only family I have and, as messed up as part of our lives was, I love them. My life is better since recent therapy has helped me deal with a lot of issues and work this all out in my own head, so I think therapy can be hugely beneficial. But if you fiance doesn't want therapy, that is something different. Perhaps you can suggest that, before you marry, you go to counseling together. He told you before marriage. Now you have time to work on this together.

[Anonymous]

I understand your perspective OP. If you love your fiance, your first goal to should be to reconnect with him. Secondly you do need space to name your feelings/concerns, gently, acknowledging that you don't want to upset him but these issues need to be talked out. If you truly love him, you accept his past and work together to come up with boundaries. If you are not able to come up with boundaries you can agree on together, then unfortunately you may need to make a step back in the relationship and re-evaulate things. Perhaps put a wedding on hold and try counseling for a few months

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes angry, mainly angry at the situation, for my fiance and sad too.
But also angry, because I thought his family was something that they aren't.
It's not about me in the sense that I wasn't the person abused, but this isn't just some random ONS or boyfriend, this is the guy I plan on spending the rest of my life with, his family becomes my family.
How does that work when there are those kind of people in his family?
I can figure out if I want to continue with him or not thank you very much.
I was hoping to find some advice from people who have actually dealt with this, and figure anonymous was the best way to start out.

There are "those kinds of people" in more families than apparently you're aware. If one out of 4 kids is sexually abused in childhood, it shouldn't be a huge shock that many of those people are in families with abuses and have to negotiate relationships and boundaries with said abuser.

My experience with this is that I maintain a relationship with my older brother who abused me. If my DH had been angry with ME when I told him about my brother, I would have dumped him on the spot. Seriously. This is not about YOU and you seriously need to examine your anger. It sounds like you had some idealistic expectations about this new family, and you are angry that they are not picture perfect idealized versions of that you had imagined. That's your shit to get over. Do not put that on your fiancé.

I had decades to confront and adapt my feelings toward my brother and set and adapt boundaries with him as situations changed and we both changed. If my DH had come in and expected me to share his anger and outrage, it would have been pretty inconsiderate. That said, I understood that it was difficult for him to resolve his hurt in my behalf with my choice to keep him in my family. I simply set very simple expectation for my DH: I didn't expect him to love or like my brother, but I did expect him to be cordial and polite and refrain from causing drama at family occasions because of his latent dislike of my brother. He has been able to do that, which I appreciate. And we talk privately about how comfortable we are with our son having a relationship with him. Right now, we agree that he can have contact with our child at joint family occasions, but will never stay alone at his house and he is not invited to sleep at ours.

Personally, you sound really immature to me and I hope you will read up on the issue of childhood sexual abuse and how you can support him better. And keep apologizing. You really messed up here.

Does your brother admit what he did? I can't believe even for a second you would consider letting your son be around him. And don't you think a molester has abused others? I guess its good you have "moved on" but are there other victims who might wish you had spoken up and spared them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm completely jumping your gun, but god forbid your kid gets sexually abused, is your then-husband going to force them to have an ongoing relationship with their abuser?

+1 Walk away OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have a,right to feel betrayed in finding out a person you liked and trusted is an abuser.

The fact that he didn't tell you until you were engaged is a red flag.. The fact that he doesn't want to talk to you or a couples counselor is a red flag. IDK if you two have concretely discussed having children but that needs to happen in light of this.

I'd tell him it's either counseling or break of the engagement. It's a lot easier to break an engagement than to get a divorce

+1 to all of this! He is continuing the hide his abuse, that is not a sign of healthy thinking or living.

[Anonymous]

Get out of this relationship. The sexual abuser will be in your life. When you have a kid, he/she will be around the abuser. Your husband and his entire family will be okay with this. Your kid will probably be abused. Just leave now. Please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, how old was the abuser when it happened?

What does that have to do with anything?

I didn't ask this question but I feel differently if it is a 12 yr old and a 10 yr old versus a 25 yr old and a 10 yr old. Do you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get out of this relationship. The sexual abuser will be in your life. When you have a kid, he/she will be around the abuser. Your husband and his entire family will be okay with this. Your kid will probably be abused. Just leave now. Please.

Okay- just read the abuser was his father. Beyond sick. Leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm in the same situation with my DH, except one of his abusers (his dad) is dead and the other is a cousin whom we rarely see. The abuse went on for years. My biggest issue is with his mom, and I have found it difficult to have an open and healthy relationship with her because of my resentment over her failure to protect her son. This thread is of great interest to me. I understand in my head that she was not responsible, but in my heart, I cannot imagine not noticing what was happening to my children and I suppose I do hold her somewhat responsible for not protecting him.

If you stay in this relationship, just know that this issue will be a recurring presence in your life. You will always have to consider which family members you'll let your children be alone with, or worry about holidays etc. If you can't deal with that, get out now, for both of your sakes.

OP here, when did your husband tell you about the abuse?
My fiance' was abused by his father as well, technically his stepfather, but he pretty much adopted him, his bio dad died when he was 4 and stepdad has been in his life since he was 6, so he raised him. My fiance' always went on about what a great dad he was, and now knowing what I know. I don't understand how he can think that.
Like you I'm upset with his mother as well, the abuse went on for years, and I just don't believe she didn't know anything. I suppose she could have been fooled, I don't have kids yet, but you think you would notice something like that going on in your own home. Just thinking about how she fawns over this man now makes me sick.

Which is funny because I used to love that they were still " so in love" after 30 years together.
How do you cope? How do you handle having to be around your DH's side of the family?

PP here. It's tough, I won't lie to you. DH told me less than a month in to our relationship about the abuse. He'd been in therapy for years and was and is very open about it. He wanted me to know before we got too in too deep. He was worried for a long time that I'd think he would abuse our children, but he is so wonderful with them and so protective.

I'm glad his dad is dead. As to your situation, I can't imagine having to interact with him at holidays. My DH has a somewhat rosy memory of better times with his dad, but his dad was also an alcoholic and physically and emotionally abusive. It is only because of years of therapy that my husband has emerged as the successful, compassionate, smart, and kind man that I know. If you fiance hasn't been in therapy, I'd be very cautious about setting a wedding date. I would also insist that he go to couples counseling with you--we have spent some time there and it's invaluable.

Like I said, the situation is very, very difficult. I don't regret marrying my husband after all these years, but we don't live anywhere near his family and never will. I just don't trust them.

OP here. Thank you for your honest response. , sorry I took so long to respond, I was getting very frustrated with the nastiness of some replies. I know no 2 situations are a like, but it helps to know it's possible to have a functional relationship. My fiance is not where your husband is yet,.
Has your husband ever told hid mother about the abuse?
We talked for for a long time this weekend and it turns out I'm the first person he's actually told about the abuse. According to him his mother doesn't know what happened between him and his dad. Personally, I have a hard time believing that as the abuse was longterm from the time he was 7 until essential he went to college, but I didn't argue with him.I know he's very close to his mother and a protective older brother, so I think he is afraid of upsetting the family , and of not being believed. He kept repeating it's been almost 20 years,as if to say what's the point?
I didn't discuss future children and boundaries- yet, getting him to open up that much was difficult enough. I did apologize to him again about getting angry with him, and told him I was planning to talking to a counselor myself to help me sort this out in my head. He seemed okay with me talking to a therapist about this, but wasn't interested in coming with me. Not sure where he stands on that, he didn't say he wouldn't go ever, just not this time.
That's where I am on this.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the response OP. I would add that you simply cannot get married yet until you both go to counseling together. Your finance has not dealt with this. Its also likely that his younger brother has been abused. A counselor will help you all talk about boudnaries. I know it seems like kids are far off but before you get married you must establish tha t your future kids will never ever be alone with his parents. At a minimum he should talk to his younger brother. That may be very eye openng and cathartic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm in the same situation with my DH, except one of his abusers (his dad) is dead and the other is a cousin whom we rarely see. The abuse went on for years. My biggest issue is with his mom, and I have found it difficult to have an open and healthy relationship with her because of my resentment over her failure to protect her son. This thread is of great interest to me. I understand in my head that she was not responsible, but in my heart, I cannot imagine not noticing what was happening to my children and I suppose I do hold her somewhat responsible for not protecting him.

If you stay in this relationship, just know that this issue will be a recurring presence in your life. You will always have to consider which family members you'll let your children be alone with, or worry about holidays etc. If you can't deal with that, get out now, for both of your sakes.

OP here, when did your husband tell you about the abuse?
My fiance' was abused by his father as well, technically his stepfather, but he pretty much adopted him, his bio dad died when he was 4 and stepdad has been in his life since he was 6, so he raised him. My fiance' always went on about what a great dad he was, and now knowing what I know. I don't understand how he can think that.
Like you I'm upset with his mother as well, the abuse went on for years, and I just don't believe she didn't know anything. I suppose she could have been fooled, I don't have kids yet, but you think you would notice something like that going on in your own home. Just thinking about how she fawns over this man now makes me sick.

Which is funny because I used to love that they were still " so in love" after 30 years together.
How do you cope? How do you handle having to be around your DH's side of the family?

PP here. It's tough, I won't lie to you. DH told me less than a month in to our relationship about the abuse. He'd been in therapy for years and was and is very open about it. He wanted me to know before we got too in too deep. He was worried for a long time that I'd think he would abuse our children, but he is so wonderful with them and so protective.

I'm glad his dad is dead. As to your situation, I can't imagine having to interact with him at holidays. My DH has a somewhat rosy memory of better times with his dad, but his dad was also an alcoholic and physically and emotionally abusive. It is only because of years of therapy that my husband has emerged as the successful, compassionate, smart, and kind man that I know. If you fiance hasn't been in therapy, I'd be very cautious about setting a wedding date. I would also insist that he go to couples counseling with you--we have spent some time there and it's invaluable.

Like I said, the situation is very, very difficult. I don't regret marrying my husband after all these years, but we don't live anywhere near his family and never will. I just don't trust them.

OP here. Thank you for your honest response. , sorry I took so long to respond, I was getting very frustrated with the nastiness of some replies. I know no 2 situations are a like, but it helps to know it's possible to have a functional relationship. My fiance is not where your husband is yet,.
Has your husband ever told hid mother about the abuse?
We talked for for a long time this weekend and it turns out I'm the first person he's actually told about the abuse. According to him his mother doesn't know what happened between him and his dad. Personally, I have a hard time believing that as the abuse was longterm from the time he was 7 until essential he went to college, but I didn't argue with him.I know he's very close to his mother and a protective older brother, so I think he is afraid of upsetting the family , and of not being believed. He kept repeating it's been almost 20 years,as if to say what's the point?
I didn't discuss future children and boundaries- yet, getting him to open up that much was difficult enough. I did apologize to him again about getting angry with him, and told him I was planning to talking to a counselor myself to help me sort this out in my head. He seemed okay with me talking to a therapist about this, but wasn't interested in coming with me. Not sure where he stands on that, he didn't say he wouldn't go ever, just not this time.
That's where I am on this.

I'm having a hard time understanding how an older teenaged male would allow someone to touch them like that.
OP, I know you love this guy now, and it's unfortunate he had a messed up childhood, but he's not the one you want to marry. Do not to it. Do you think he's going to suddenly be willing to " upset" his family when y'all have kids so they can be protected?
He won't.
I agree with the PP that he is too damaged and broken and it's not your job to fix him. Your job is to find a suitable life partner, and this guy isn't it. You are young, and as the saying goes there are plenty of fish in the see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm in the same situation with my DH, except one of his abusers (his dad) is dead and the other is a cousin whom we rarely see. The abuse went on for years. My biggest issue is with his mom, and I have found it difficult to have an open and healthy relationship with her because of my resentment over her failure to protect her son. This thread is of great interest to me. I understand in my head that she was not responsible, but in my heart, I cannot imagine not noticing what was happening to my children and I suppose I do hold her somewhat responsible for not protecting him.

If you stay in this relationship, just know that this issue will be a recurring presence in your life. You will always have to consider which family members you'll let your children be alone with, or worry about holidays etc. If you can't deal with that, get out now, for both of your sakes.

OP here, when did your husband tell you about the abuse?
My fiance' was abused by his father as well, technically his stepfather, but he pretty much adopted him, his bio dad died when he was 4 and stepdad has been in his life since he was 6, so he raised him. My fiance' always went on about what a great dad he was, and now knowing what I know. I don't understand how he can think that.
Like you I'm upset with his mother as well, the abuse went on for years, and I just don't believe she didn't know anything. I suppose she could have been fooled, I don't have kids yet, but you think you would notice something like that going on in your own home. Just thinking about how she fawns over this man now makes me sick.

Which is funny because I used to love that they were still " so in love" after 30 years together.
How do you cope? How do you handle having to be around your DH's side of the family?

PP here. It's tough, I won't lie to you. DH told me less than a month in to our relationship about the abuse. He'd been in therapy for years and was and is very open about it. He wanted me to know before we got too in too deep. He was worried for a long time that I'd think he would abuse our children, but he is so wonderful with them and so protective.

I'm glad his dad is dead. As to your situation, I can't imagine having to interact with him at holidays. My DH has a somewhat rosy memory of better times with his dad, but his dad was also an alcoholic and physically and emotionally abusive. It is only because of years of therapy that my husband has emerged as the successful, compassionate, smart, and kind man that I know. If you fiance hasn't been in therapy, I'd be very cautious about setting a wedding date. I would also insist that he go to couples counseling with you--we have spent some time there and it's invaluable.

Like I said, the situation is very, very difficult. I don't regret marrying my husband after all these years, but we don't live anywhere near his family and never will. I just don't trust them.

OP here. Thank you for your honest response. , sorry I took so long to respond, I was getting very frustrated with the nastiness of some replies. I know no 2 situations are a like, but it helps to know it's possible to have a functional relationship. My fiance is not where your husband is yet,.
Has your husband ever told hid mother about the abuse?
We talked for for a long time this weekend and it turns out I'm the first person he's actually told about the abuse. According to him his mother doesn't know what happened between him and his dad. Personally, I have a hard time believing that as the abuse was longterm from the time he was 7 until essential he went to college, but I didn't argue with him.I know he's very close to his mother and a protective older brother, so I think he is afraid of upsetting the family , and of not being believed. He kept repeating it's been almost 20 years,as if to say what's the point?
I didn't discuss future children and boundaries- yet, getting him to open up that much was difficult enough. I did apologize to him again about getting angry with him, and told him I was planning to talking to a counselor myself to help me sort this out in my head. He seemed okay with me talking to a therapist about this, but wasn't interested in coming with me. Not sure where he stands on that, he didn't say he wouldn't go ever, just not this time.
That's where I am on this.

I'm having a hard time understanding how an older teenaged male would allow someone to touch them like that.
OP, I know you love this guy now, and it's unfortunate he had a messed up childhood, but he's not the one you want to marry. Do not to it. Do you think he's going to suddenly be willing to " upset" his family when y'all have kids so they can be protected?
He won't.
I agree with the PP that he is too damaged and broken and it's not your job to fix him. Your job is to find a suitable life partner, and this guy isn't it. You are young, and as the saying goes there are plenty of fish in the see.

* sea

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the response OP. I would add that you simply cannot get married yet until you both go to counseling together. Your finance has not dealt with this. Its also likely that his younger brother has been abused. A counselor will help you all talk about boudnaries. I know it seems like kids are far off but before you get married you must establish tha t your future kids will never ever be alone with his parents. At a minimum he should talk to his younger brother. That may be very eye openng and cathartic.

OP here. We already have the wedding date set for June. I'm hoping when I see the counselor I will get ideas to convince him to come with me and work everything out. I know this has to be dealt with. I just didn't want to push too much when we were talking, for fear he would shut down on me again, it didn't seem right to give him the ultimatum then and there.

[Anonymous]

OP - The length of the abuse your fiance experienced continued for way too long for other family members not to have known and became too much a part of life as he new it to be. Think about it that his entire construct of what a father(step dad) and son's relationship is was based on abuse for over a decade. You mentioned he said it was over 20 eyars ago - which means he is in his late 30s and probably there is again good reasons that he has never had a permanent relationship. He may very well love and trust you as no other in mentioning the abuse for the first time - BUT AGAIN, it came out in a moment of stress - not entirely in a moment of open and normal communication with someone you were going to marry. He needs professional help to be able to look at the past , the present relationship with his family before moving on to any kind of future with you or anyone. I know you do not want to hear this, but are you really sure the best move is to keep the June wedding date against all the very real possible unknowns in the future. There are tough questions you and your fiance would need to be able to answer: How will you both explain and will DH agree that no child be left alone in the care of his parents? Will you be able to trust him as a DH alone with your child? etc. etc. Again he was the victim, but you will become the victim, too, if both of you do not explore this situation iwith professional help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP - The length of the abuse your fiance experienced continued for way too long for other family members not to have known and became too much a part of life as he new it to be. Think about it that his entire construct of what a father(step dad) and son's relationship is was based on abuse for over a decade. You mentioned he said it was over 20 eyars ago - which means he is in his late 30s and probably there is again good reasons that he has never had a permanent relationship. He may very well love and trust you as no other in mentioning the abuse for the first time - BUT AGAIN, it came out in a moment of stress - not entirely in a moment of open and normal communication with someone you were going to marry. He needs professional help to be able to look at the past , the present relationship with his family before moving on to any kind of future with you or anyone. I know you do not want to hear this, but are you really sure the best move is to keep the June wedding date against all the very real possible unknowns in the future. There are tough questions you and your fiance would need to be able to answer: How will you both explain and will DH agree that no child be left alone in the care of his parents? Will you be able to trust him as a DH alone with your child? etc. etc. Again he was the victim, but you will become the victim, too, if both of you do not explore this situation iwith professional help.

OP here. I trust my fiance and have no reason to believe he would ever harm a child. I agree with you that counseling is needed for both of us, for right now I'm okay with just me going. I doesn't feel right to call of the wedding, to me it seems like I would be punishing him or rejecting him for telling the truth. I'm willing to give him a little bit of time. Maybe he should have told me sooner, but we are where we are. It's sort of out in the open now, which is a good thing, right? I'm lost in this myself, my hope is that somehow, we can come out of this together, so for now I'm going to talk to a therapist and go from there.