Fiance, family , marriage, and history of sexual abuse.

[Anonymous]

Wasn't sure where this belonged as we are not married yet, but I figured this forum would be okay since it is family related, and the advice tends to be better more realistic.
Here it goes I am engaged to a wonderful guy, we plan to be married this coming June. Over the summer after an argument he confessed to me that he had been sexually abused during his child.
He emphasized that he was over it, had dealt with it, but wanted me to know, because he felt like I should know since we were going to be married.
At the time, he did not share who his abuser was, I thought that was a little strange, especially since he insisted he was over it, but I didn't push. I figured he wasn't comfortable sharing that information at the time, but eventually I would find out.
Well I did find out , over the weekend.
I don't want to get into too many details, but his abuser is a very close family member, someone he still has regular contact with, appears to be close to, and someone that cannot be avoided.
I can say I'm not handling well at all, we got into a fight over it. I got very angry at the situation, and at my fiance too . I feel a little deceived. I'm very confused at what to do, and I don't understand how he can be okay with maintaining a relationship with this person.
I don't know how I can be supportive in this particular situation.
I guess I want to know if anyone has made this kind of situation work. I obviously still love and care for him deeply, and can't imagine my life without him, but that means this other person will be in it, and that makes me sad and sick to my core. I'm very upset, very, very upset.
Is there any way to make this work?

[Anonymous]

Woah. Your first job here is to be supportive of your fiancé, and you are failing at that. You were not deceived; you chose not to ask who the abuser was and you correctly had assumed that the identity of his abuser is deeply painful.

Most victims of abuse were abused by people close to them. This shouldn't be a shock. Your fiancé has had to define his own boundaries with his abuser... You can talk to him about his thoughts and feelings about maintaining contact with someone who hurt him, but it is not your place to judge or condemn.

If you choose to have children, you can set your own boundaries together. You should talk about that before you marry so you are on the same page. But you have a lot to learn about how to support your fiancé. I suggest counseling together or at least for you.

[Anonymous]

I agree I reacted badly, and I feel terrible about that, I was really, really shocked.
I guess over the summer when he initially told me about the abuse, I assumed the abuser was someone else not a close family member.
Finding out that not only was my assumption wrong, but the person is someone that I had admired, was really overwhelming.
In the moment , I didn't react well. I have already apologized to him for my behavior over the weekend,but I'm still angry.

[Anonymous]

Why are you angry? You weren't abused. Your fiancé has chosen to maintain a relationship with his abuser. He has almost certainly had more time to deal with this than you. This isn't about you. At all. If you can't get over the fact that he maintains a relationship with this person that he isn't the guy for you and you need to move on. Angry? Smh.

[Anonymous]

Yes angry, mainly angry at the situation, for my fiance and sad too.
But also angry, because I thought his family was something that they aren't.
It's not about me in the sense that I wasn't the person abused, but this isn't just some random ONS or boyfriend, this is the guy I plan on spending the rest of my life with, his family becomes my family.
How does that work when there are those kind of people in his family?
I can figure out if I want to continue with him or not thank you very much.
I was hoping to find some advice from people who have actually dealt with this, and figure anonymous was the best way to start out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes angry, mainly angry at the situation, for my fiance and sad too.
But also angry, because I thought his family was something that they aren't.
It's not about me in the sense that I wasn't the person abused, but this isn't just some random ONS or boyfriend, this is the guy I plan on spending the rest of my life with, his family becomes my family.
How does that work when there are those kind of people in his family?
I can figure out if I want to continue with him or not thank you very much.
I was hoping to find some advice from people who have actually dealt with this, and figure anonymous was the best way to start out.

There are "those kinds of people" in more families than apparently you're aware. If one out of 4 kids is sexually abused in childhood, it shouldn't be a huge shock that many of those people are in families with abuses and have to negotiate relationships and boundaries with said abuser.

My experience with this is that I maintain a relationship with my older brother who abused me. If my DH had been angry with ME when I told him about my brother, I would have dumped him on the spot. Seriously. This is not about YOU and you seriously need to examine your anger. It sounds like you had some idealistic expectations about this new family, and you are angry that they are not picture perfect idealized versions of that you had imagined. That's your shit to get over. Do not put that on your fiancé.

I had decades to confront and adapt my feelings toward my brother and set and adapt boundaries with him as situations changed and we both changed. If my DH had come in and expected me to share his anger and outrage, it would have been pretty inconsiderate. That said, I understood that it was difficult for him to resolve his hurt in my behalf with my choice to keep him in my family. I simply set very simple expectation for my DH: I didn't expect him to love or like my brother, but I did expect him to be cordial and polite and refrain from causing drama at family occasions because of his latent dislike of my brother. He has been able to do that, which I appreciate. And we talk privately about how comfortable we are with our son having a relationship with him. Right now, we agree that he can have contact with our child at joint family occasions, but will never stay alone at his house and he is not invited to sleep at ours.

Personally, you sound really immature to me and I hope you will read up on the issue of childhood sexual abuse and how you can support him better. And keep apologizing. You really messed up here.

[Anonymous]

I'm completely jumping your gun, but god forbid your kid gets sexually abused, is your then-husband going to force them to have an ongoing relationship with their abuser?

[Anonymous]

OP, you didn't exactly ask what to do in your relationship, but I'm going to tell you: please move along.

Your fiancé is the victim, and regardless of his choices about whether or not to allow the abuser into his life. He will be victimized the rest of his life, by people like you, or by his family, who cannot understand why he does or doesn't allow that person into his life. He's in a no-win, no matter what he does DUE YO NO FAULT OF HIS OWN.

He may think he's fine, and he may or may not be. It could come up later once he's in a trusting sexual relationship with you. Or when you have children. Or because it's February. And it's his grief and sadness that counts, not your anger. You strike me as someone who will be angry at him, instead of allowing him the grief and time that he needs to mourn a childhood trust that was taken away from him. Instead you'll be mourning a picture if the IL family you wanted, instead of standing by his pain. And that, is very very sad.

We are born Into he family we are. We are bound by our parents choices. We make choices later that may not make sense based on what we know and love. If they are unpalatable to you, you need to move on.

If you're fighting him now about it, it will only get worse later. He has put a huge trust in you, and like his abuser, you are already abusing that trust: making him feel shame and guilt. These are not your choices to make.

Signed,
Childhood sexual abuse survivor (by two different perpetrators)
Please, let him go.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PPs who said you need to let your DH define is relationships and support him if/when he is re-traumatized by it (for me, it was when I had kids and they were the same age I was when I had my first memories of the abuse). If/when you have kids, you certainly have a say in what kind of relationship your kids have with the abuser but you haven't gotten to that point. I know you have repeatedly apologized to your fiancé but I hope you recognize that your reaction (despite the apologies) may make it less likely that he feels comfortable in discussing his experience with you. I know you didn't mean to make it more difficult but it's hard to unring that bell.

[Anonymous]

Op, how old was the abuser when it happened?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, how old was the abuser when it happened?

It started when he was 7.

[Anonymous]

I know I screwed up horribly.
I did not mean to react the way I did, but I did. I can't do much beyond apologizing and try to be better and more supportive in the future.
I admit that I can be a little idealistic , I had visions of our future kids doing certain things and having certain relationships with family, and knowing that can't happen saddens me. Maybe that makes me immature, I don't have a ton of dating or relationship experience , so maybe that's why.
I'm not blaming my fiance for what happened, I know it's not his fault in anyway. I don't love him any less.
I'm angry at the thought of someone hurting him like that.
I hate that this person is praised, and adored as something that they are not. How do I pretend that I don't hate him?
I'm mad at myself for reacting the way I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes angry, mainly angry at the situation, for my fiance and sad too.
But also angry, because I thought his family was something that they aren't.

Tough cookies. Grow up and accept the present situation as he has (and be a supportive partner) or do him a favor and get lost. Nobody likes a whiner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes angry, mainly angry at the situation, for my fiance and sad too.
But also angry, because I thought his family was something that they aren't.
It's not about me in the sense that I wasn't the person abused, but this isn't just some random ONS or boyfriend, this is the guy I plan on spending the rest of my life with, his family becomes my family.
How does that work when there are those kind of people in his family?
I can figure out if I want to continue with him or not thank you very much.
I was hoping to find some advice from people who have actually dealt with this, and figure anonymous was the best way to start out.

I don't think you are wrong for feeling angry or deceived.

I dealt with this in my relationship with my ex-husband and I wish I had not married him and just moved on with my life. His past caused me so much pain, not only in our marriage, but in my life. We already had our 2 kids when we were in our early 20s and decided to marry after a tumultuous relationship in order to give our kids a stable family. Yeah right. I suspected he had been abused by his stepdad(adopted father) all along because of how he acted around him. He was always on edge and seemed to lash out at me after we spent time with this man. However, the father was not someone I admired and it amazed me that he seemed to have such power over people with such an acerbic and nasty personality. I think he was triggered when we got married and moved to the same city as his father. We moved there for economic reasons and I was too young and inexperienced to realize being anywhere near this man spelled doom for my relationship with my new husband. He is a true psychopath and pedophile in every sense of the word. So I was also VERY ANGRY when I found out he had, in fact, been sexually abused by him. I had asked my ex over and over if it was true and he had denied it for years. Looking back, I handled it horribly and I wasn't as supportive towards my ex as I should have been. He also had a history of substance abuse, definitely caused by his abuse.

Being with anyone who has been sexually abused and is not actively working through their issues is a HUGE RED FLAG. Having kids with them is a gamble and should not be taken lightly. I put up major boundaries with his family around my kids and kept them safe. They were never allowed to be around my kids without me present and really didn't want to be because of how dysfunctional they are. Their grandfather knew he wasn't getting away with his behavior around me because I confronted him about it despite his denials. After we finally broke up, my ex spiraled into drug abuse and ended up passing way from his abuse problem. It all has been a nightmare that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. My experience is extreme but I hope you can see where it could go.

My ex didn't want to get help and just wanted to drink his pain away. Yes, it's heartbreaking but who wants to raise kids with someone who is so damaged and just DOES NOT WANT HELP? You know your fiance but it does strike me as unhealthy that he has not put up boundaries with his abuser. He may still be struggling and in fear, despite being a grown man. That is what this kind of abuse does to a person. May I suggest you start doing your own research and read Allies in Healing. It helped me gain perspective and insight into my ex's dilemma nad why he felt compelled to stay in relationship with his abuser, though I was against it. I agree you both should be in counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes angry, mainly angry at the situation, for my fiance and sad too.
But also angry, because I thought his family was something that they aren't.
It's not about me in the sense that I wasn't the person abused, but this isn't just some random ONS or boyfriend, this is the guy I plan on spending the rest of my life with, his family becomes my family.
How does that work when there are those kind of people in his family?
I can figure out if I want to continue with him or not thank you very much.
I was hoping to find some advice from people who have actually dealt with this, and figure anonymous was the best way to start out.

I don't think you are wrong for feeling angry or deceived.

I dealt with this in my relationship with my ex-husband and I wish I had not married him and just moved on with my life. His past caused me so much pain, not only in our marriage, but in my life. We already had our 2 kids when we were in our early 20s and decided to marry after a tumultuous relationship in order to give our kids a stable family. Yeah right. I suspected he had been abused by his stepdad(adopted father) all along because of how he acted around him. He was always on edge and seemed to lash out at me after we spent time with this man. However, the father was not someone I admired and it amazed me that he seemed to have such power over people with such an acerbic and nasty personality. I think he was triggered when we got married and moved to the same city as his father. We moved there for economic reasons and I was too young and inexperienced to realize being anywhere near this man spelled doom for my relationship with my new husband. He is a true psychopath and pedophile in every sense of the word. So I was also VERY ANGRY when I found out he had, in fact, been sexually abused by him. I had asked my ex over and over if it was true and he had denied it for years. Looking back, I handled it horribly and I wasn't as supportive towards my ex as I should have been. He also had a history of substance abuse, definitely caused by his abuse.

Being with anyone who has been sexually abused and is not actively working through their issues is a HUGE RED FLAG. Having kids with them is a gamble and should not be taken lightly. I put up major boundaries with his family around my kids and kept them safe. They were never allowed to be around my kids without me present and really didn't want to be because of how dysfunctional they are. Their grandfather knew he wasn't getting away with his behavior around me because I confronted him about it despite his denials. After we finally broke up, my ex spiraled into drug abuse and ended up passing way from his abuse problem. It all has been a nightmare that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. My experience is extreme but I hope you can see where it could go.

My ex didn't want to get help and just wanted to drink his pain away. Yes, it's heartbreaking but who wants to raise kids with someone who is so damaged and just DOES NOT WANT HELP? You know your fiance but it does strike me as unhealthy that he has not put up boundaries with his abuser. He may still be struggling and in fear, despite being a grown man. That is what this kind of abuse does to a person. May I suggest you start doing your own research and read Allies in Healing. It helped me gain perspective and insight into my ex's dilemma nad why he felt compelled to stay in relationship with his abuser, though I was against it. I agree you both should be in counseling.

Thank you for sharing your story. It seems you understand what I'm trying to say. This is all very overwhelming. I'm not saying that I don't love my fiance or somehow blame him.
I just don't know how to reconcile being related to the abuser. I don't think I can go along with it and pretend. I'm already dreading Thanksgiving. It's a few weeks a ways, but I can't exactly pull out without causing drama. I don't want to cause drama and make problems for my fiance.

I honestly do not know if he's spoken to someone about it, I haven't asked him about it, but my gut tells me he hasn't, and I don't know if he would. He doesn't use drugs , but he does drink not to the point of being out of control, but he drinks. I'm not a drinker so it probably stands out to me, and may not mean anything.
His relationship history is busy, but what guy in his 30s hasn't had lots of girlfriends, he was engaged once before me, but I think he's grown up a lot since then so that doesn't worry me, so much. Other than that he's pretty normal, very moody at times, but who isn't. Honestly, knowing what I now know is putting a lot of things into perspective.
I don't want to analyze him.