Stay at home Dad: My kids not accepted?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WOHM with SAHH here. Wow, the haters are out tonight!

There might be some people who don't hang with my DH and kids because they are weirded out by him not being a published author or whatever the hell. Good riddance, if that's how they judge people. He does all right without such assholes. As for the people who are incapable of having male friends because they are married to other people, well, their sexism is clear right there in the "your kitchens." The kitchen is way more DH's than it is mine!

OP, that said I wouldn't blame the SAHD factor for your situation entirely. Unless you live in a particularly judgmental slice of society I'm not privy to, IME there aren't THAT many people who are creeped out by it.

+1. But note that the PP who talked about hanging out in the kitchen completely missed the boat. It doesn't sound like OP has a problem getting people to come over to his house, he has a problem getting people to invite him to theirs.

And I agree, that is less likely to be about him being a SAHD.

Though, if your kids are friends with some of these bitchy moms' kids, definitely try to branch out more! These people suck.

How many SAHDs have you invited over in the past few months?
Zero. Absolute zero.
Funny how none of you save one has actually said you have invited a man over for a play date, yet calling everyone else out for saying it wouldn't be their first choice.

I had one. And actually, if you count the one I met at the park...two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again... the other odd thing (to me anyways) is the parents are all chatty and friendly at first, then start being more distant - even just driving up, letting the child jump/run to and from the car.

Not that strange. Other parents are friendly but most of us aren't looking to make new adult friends. We don't have the time. After both families are comfortable with each other, they play date is for the kid to be happy and the parent not hosting to have some time.

[Anonymous]

Women who only want to be friends with other women are the creepy ones.

- a woman who would hang out with the SAHD as much as the SAHM but who mostly doesn't want to hang out with other parents if it's not necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a SAHM and we host 10:1. We rarely get invited to people's homes but if I do the inviting, kids come over (mostly drop off). I would not care if child's parent were a SAHM, SAHD or working parents.

Hi Anon - glad to hear you wouldn't discriminate.

Wow! 10:1... what gives with this one-sided playdate phenomenon?

I am a parent that rarely hosts and I feel badly about it. We have a large dog (a lab) that a lot of my DD's pre K kids are scared of (though the dog is very gentle). We also have rambunctous toddler twins and it's very difficult to host a play date and manage the twins - as in, keeping the twins away from my older DD's activity from their friends. My husband works weekends so it's often just me at home, unless I hire a babysitter and I can't afford that every time my DD wants to see a friend.

We explain this and try to make up for it by bringing snacks or toys to play dates. I wish people wouldn't see it as freeloading - that is not at all my intentions.

[Anonymous]

Here's another aspect no one has brought up- what's the age range of the other moms? I'm on the younger side for A DC mom and one of my good friends is a SAHD. I was mentioning how we hung out all the time with another older mom who balked and responded- "my husband would never allow that!".

Perhaps it's generational? SAHD and his wife also on the younger side and very chill and happily married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's another aspect no one has brought up- what's the age range of the other moms? I'm on the younger side for A DC mom and one of my good friends is a SAHD. I was mentioning how we hung out all the time with another older mom who balked and responded- "my husband would never allow that!".

Perhaps it's generational? SAHD and his wife also on the younger side and very chill and happily married.

I wish it were only generational. I'm 44 and my DH would not bat an eye if I befriended a SAHD or even if he became my closest friend. But when we go to "parent" parties, half the men and women clearly think they shouldn't be as friendly with he opposite sex. And I've definitely gotten the stink eye from women who think I am chatting their husbands up just because I'm talking with them. The goods news is that half of the 40s crowd isn't like that.

[Anonymous]

OP, it probably does have something to do with gender dynamics. My DH is a SAHD, and we faced the exact same situation when my DCs were in preschool. Lots of friends in school, but virtually no playdates. Dh would tell me how he would be talking to a mom at pickup, and she would make plans with another mom right in front of him, not even thinking to include him. I think it's because most women don't think a man would want to sit around talking about "mommy" stuff, even if he is a SAHD. My DCs are now in early ES, and the situation is improving. They have made friends in the neighborhood and just sort of hang out with them, and having a dad host the playdate doesn't seem to be as big of an issue now that kids are older.

I'm sorry about the antiquated views voiced by some of the PPs. We try to shake it off, but it does get under my skin sometimes. My DH was a lawyer when we met, and he is just as smart and capable now that he is staying home (but much happier -- he hated practicing law). Professional success and value as a person are not the same thing, but people in this area find it hard to separate the two.

[Anonymous]

I never host playdates, OP. outside of cousins (who live far away), it has happened twice. ever. my oldest kid is 4; so their age has something to do with it. but my house is a mess, my dog is ill-behaved with strangers, we're not well baby-proofed etc. we both WOH at high stress jobs; so we rarely do playdates at all, but when we do, they are out and about or at someone's house. I try to make up for never hosting with presents and food and thanks. Most people in my situation has some things they let slide; housekeeping is definitely my nemesis, but I'm a pretty good cook. Nevertheless, people seem to assess (fairly, I guess) that we are lame and we don't get invited out a lot. So, if I haven't invited you over a playdate, it's not gendered! I just cannot clean my house, lock up my dog, and fix the broken banister, so that we can hang out for an hour.

That said, I would totally not be surprised if some of this dynamic was at play. The SAHMs might just be more reticent to chat up a guy than they would another woman for fear of misunderstandings. I have never entirely understood this phenomenon. My DH and I both have close friends of the opposite sex. And co-workers, of course. And it never occurs to either of us to be jealous about it.

[Anonymous]

Play dates become much easier once the kids are old enough to drop off, like in kindergarten. But what I w noticed is that. Most people do drop off play dates with very close by neighbors, because it's the easiest option. It's also easier to get to know neighbors over time casually without having them over like at the bus stop, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of my best friends is a SAHD. I'm a working mom.

Wrap your 1950s heads around that.

OP Zing!

[Anonymous]

OP, are you good looking or in better shape than the other dads?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's another aspect no one has brought up- what's the age range of the other moms? I'm on the younger side for A DC mom and one of my good friends is a SAHD. I was mentioning how we hung out all the time with another older mom who balked and responded- "my husband would never allow that!".

Perhaps it's generational? SAHD and his wife also on the younger side and very chill and happily married.

OP

I can say I've seen a loose general trend in the generations thing... I think families up to 40's are friendly, talkative, easy going... but older parents (like me) are more business-like. I've had 60 year old ask me if i feel like I'm wasting my life. No joking, and that was with a very accusing tone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it probably does have something to do with gender dynamics. My DH is a SAHD, and we faced the exact same situation when my DCs were in preschool. Lots of friends in school, but virtually no playdates. Dh would tell me how he would be talking to a mom at pickup, and she would make plans with another mom right in front of him, not even thinking to include him. I think it's because most women don't think a man would want to sit around talking about "mommy" stuff, even if he is a SAHD. My DCs are now in early ES, and the situation is improving. They have made friends in the neighborhood and just sort of hang out with them, and having a dad host the playdate doesn't seem to be as big of an issue now that kids are older.

I'm sorry about the antiquated views voiced by some of the PPs. We try to shake it off, but it does get under my skin sometimes. My DH was a lawyer when we met, and he is just as smart and capable now that he is staying home (but much happier -- he hated practicing law). Professional success and value as a person are not the same thing, but people in this area find it hard to separate the two.

OP

Sorry to hear it was just as tough on your DH. These attitudes maybe an antiquated gender dynamic, but they're still relevant as it's having an effect. Sure, an SAHD will be deficient talking about Mommy Stuff... but there's a lot more other stuff in the world to talk about!

Professional success and success at home are wildly different, and neither should be the measure of a man.... but, personally, I'll put my family first any day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll be honest and take the backlash:
My kids friends (under 5, so that is relevant) are largely children of my friends. Whether we were friends first, or I encouraged friendships versus others because i had something in common with the parent.
At this age, the kids play and I talk to the parent.
I am not coming over to your house and hanging out with your husband for a couple hours. I'm sure he's very nice and a great guy/father, but I'm just not making small talk with him in your kitchens over coffee and muffins.

DH and I both WOH but I would venture a guess that this honest (thank you) OP reflects the vast majority of people you are dealing with. So sorry that you have to deal with this, OP, especially because DH is contemplating being a SAHD.

WOHM with SAHH again. Please get him in touch with the DC-area SAHD group to talk about how common this ACTUALLY is. Don't make such a big family level decision based on a random internet post that confirmed your fears.

OP

Yup - I agree with that wise advice, never trust random internet posts. The issue I' have is a small part of the SAHD experience. If there's a group, go talk to SAHDs! Despite the bumpy adjustment and the few negatives, the experience is a truly rewarding for you and the children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldnt care about it being a stay at home Dad. I only have a 3yo so havent done any drop off play dates yet. I used to be a nanny though and was always hosting more than my kids were getting invited.
You need to learn the phrase " Larla would love to play with Larlo again some time soon" Then it kind of leads them into saying they will invite your kid there. It doesnt work all the time, but does work sometimes.

OP

Little sneaky, but heck, I'll give that a try!

Thanks.