Stay at home Dad: My kids not accepted?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It has nothing to do with setting a bad example as a role model.

A friend of mine is a guy who is a lawyer. His wife is also a lawyer. They have two kids. She is the breadwinner for the family and he is the stay at home parent. It's because he has more patience with the kids. That's the simple reason. While home he has written several published articles and is writing a book. He builds a lot of things by hand (costumes for his kids, toys for them, etc).

But I have also known two SAHD's who were such because they couldn't hack working full time. And although I'm sure those two are totally fine parents, I hesitate to encourage a friendship in a family with someone who couldn't hack it in the work world. Men always feel like they have to give a reason why they're the stay at home parent, whereas women don't. So maybe some women can't hack it in the work world either. But they aren't saying that, and then men are more likely to. And that weirds me out, to be honest.

So basically you are okay with a SAHD as long as he is a published author and a master carpenter and tailor. But SAHM you give a pass, bc that's the woman's role. SAHD who act like typical SAHM are 'weird' -- and you construct this whole story about them not hacking it in the working world where many many SAHM talk about how they couldn't balance work and parenting just like these SAHDs.

So OP it sounds like the exact phenomenon you describe is at work here, unless you can show the receipt for an advance from your publisher?

OP

I could show them all the home improvements I've done.

I have run into the weirdo/looser perception and having some productivity to show for my "wasted time" helps those people. That phrase, about not being able to make it in the real world... mind bowing stuff!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My guess is that either the husbands are jealous or they worry about them being jealous.

OP

I had thought of that... and yes, I see most of the working Dads are definitely cold towards me. I don't think It's jealousy, maybe it's guilt. Often, after talking with me about being an SAHD, many Dads say something like, "That must be awesome."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a SAHM and we host 10:1. We rarely get invited to people's homes but if I do the inviting, kids come over (mostly drop off). I would not care if child's parent were a SAHM, SAHD or working parents.

Hi Anon - glad to hear you wouldn't discriminate.

Wow! 10:1... what gives with this one-sided playdate phenomenon?

I have actually posted about this very same topic a year or so ago. We have a pretty large house and I keep a clean home. DH likes an immaculate home so our floors are pretty spotless. I think some people may not feel comfortable inviting us over because their house isn't as clean? I am not sure. I stopped wondering and it has stopped bothering me. My children have very active social lives and people seem to enjoy our company, just no in their homes. We get invited to a lot of outings outside the home (playgrounds, movies, Cox Farms, etc).

OP

Oh, can you direct me to that thread? I'd love to read it.

PP here. I found my old thread. I stopped working right around the same time that I posted this thread.

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/468296.page

OP

Thank you so much for posting the link!

[Anonymous]

I would and have reached out to dads for a playdate. They were not stay-at-home dads, I just knew that they tended to be the parent to take the kid to the park on weekends.

BUT - and it is a big but - this would be for a playdate in the park, in the open, or an activity. I would not invite them to the house where the dad and I would be the only adults. If there were two women or someone else, fine. But not the two of us in the house. I'm uncomfortable with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you good looking or in better shape than the other dads?

OP

What a question! Though it's a valid point....

No, I'm no Fabio or Alec Balwin (Though I'd like to think my DW would disagree). Seriously, no one is going weak in the knees as we talk about school lunch menus or best places to get the unending supply of shoes need by growing kids. I'm mid 40's, mild front-hunch (belly)... kinda average really. I am very aware of any perception of "coming on" to Moms, but I have wondered if just saying hello is just as bad. Yikes, that sounds paranoid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

That said, I would totally not be surprised if some of this dynamic was at play. The SAHMs might just be more reticent to chat up a guy than they would another woman for fear of misunderstandings. I have never entirely understood this phenomenon. My DH and I both have close friends of the opposite sex. And co-workers, of course. And it never occurs to either of us to be jealous about it.

OP

My homes no Taj Mahal either, yet there are parents that won't ever come into my home at drop-off/pickup time... even parents we've know for 5 years!

Yep - Moms talking with Dads... that's definitely a taboo for almost all of my neighborhood and school parents. Moms will chat if they are alone, say walking to school, but once another Mom appears then I'm dropped like a hot rock. If there's a couple, or more, of Moms I know an they know me, my passing "Hello" will be ignored. I'm over being hurt by this part of being and SAHD in my neighborhood.

I understand, it's just about managing perceptions, even though it's strikes me as immature playground/cooties logic. Thankfully there are one or two parents that are bit less militant about it and are happy to talk... sometimes even in defiance of the moms group's "silent convention." Still, overall, it makes for a lonely experience.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you in DC Metro Dads?

http://dcmetrodads.com/index.php

[Anonymous]

OP

I want to thank all of you posters!

It's been a great help to hear that the various perspectives and logic behind specific behavior of other parents. I get the sense that it's really more of a "them" and not me and comes down to simple logistics, preferences, uncomfortable, different values for some.

[Anonymous]

OP you sound like a nice guy.

I did have a situation where I had to wind down playdates with the child of a SAHD because of the amount of work involved for me. He would bring over both kids and basically ignore them. Our house wasn't toddler proofed so his younger son was always in some sort of trouble. It was always me who was pulling his toddler off the stairs or out of the drawers, not him. It was comparatively a lot more work for me. I got the sense he was overwhelmed and exhausted, with a wife who worked very long hours. Nice guy, but I was always so tired after he left that I stopped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would and have reached out to dads for a playdate. They were not stay-at-home dads, I just knew that they tended to be the parent to take the kid to the park on weekends.

BUT - and it is a big but - this would be for a playdate in the park, in the open, or an activity. I would not invite them to the house where the dad and I would be the only adults. If there were two women or someone else, fine. But not the two of us in the house. I'm uncomfortable with that.

Wow. This makes it sound like you're a tween or teen and wouldn't be able to control yourself being "alone" with someone of the opposite sex. I'm sorry but this is very odd

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you sound like a nice guy.

I did have a situation where I had to wind down playdates with the child of a SAHD because of the amount of work involved for me. He would bring over both kids and basically ignore them. Our house wasn't toddler proofed so his younger son was always in some sort of trouble. It was always me who was pulling his toddler off the stairs or out of the drawers, not him. It was comparatively a lot more work for me. I got the sense he was overwhelmed and exhausted, with a wife who worked very long hours. Nice guy, but I was always so tired after he left that I stopped.

Yeah - his situation may be have a cause, but his behavior was unacceptable. You were right to stop those play dates.


No one stayed over at play dates when my kids were toddlers, my home or theirs. I was never invited to stay, and no one ever took me up on the offer. I find that weird because, growing up, everyone was over at each others homes talking and chatting while kids played. Admittedly it was all moms, but that's my reference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would and have reached out to dads for a playdate. They were not stay-at-home dads, I just knew that they tended to be the parent to take the kid to the park on weekends.

BUT - and it is a big but - this would be for a playdate in the park, in the open, or an activity. I would not invite them to the house where the dad and I would be the only adults. If there were two women or someone else, fine. But not the two of us in the house. I'm uncomfortable with that.

So you are worried about being alone in a house with the dad -- presumably, someone you know from school/neighborhood, not some random stranger -- when both of your children are playing in the next room? If you truly don't trust this person such that you would not be in a house alone with them, why would you let your child play with his in the first place, even if it is at a park? You sound really paranoid to me. I am pretty safety-conscious person, and I would not have a problem going to a play date at the house of a SAHD. If the guy gave me the creeps for other reasons (inappropriate comments or something) then no. But I wouldn't be uncomfortable just because - gasp! - he's male. I don't appreciate it when people treat me a certain way based strictly on my gender, and I try not to do the same to others.

I really don't understand some of you people. DCUM boards are filled with woman complaining about how they want their DHs to be more involved in raising children, doing housework, cooking, etc., and about how women want to be treated as equals to men at home and at work. And how many boards have we all read about how SAHMs want to be valued and respected for contributing to their families? Yet when some men actually step up and become the primary caregiver, we get a bunch of women saying it makes them "uncomfortable" to go to a home playdate with a SAHD. One PP even called it "creepy." Yet another PP discounted a SAHD she knew because he "chose" to stay at home making "trinkets" while his wife worked her tail off (incidentally, since when is it anyone's business why one parent stays home??). Sounds to me like a lot of you like the idea of a father "being involved", but only to a point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would and have reached out to dads for a playdate. They were not stay-at-home dads, I just knew that they tended to be the parent to take the kid to the park on weekends.

BUT - and it is a big but - this would be for a playdate in the park, in the open, or an activity. I would not invite them to the house where the dad and I would be the only adults. If there were two women or someone else, fine. But not the two of us in the house. I'm uncomfortable with that.

Wow. This makes it sound like you're a tween or teen and wouldn't be able to control yourself being "alone" with someone of the opposite sex. I'm sorry but this is very odd

+1

A SAHD here. You're uncomfortable or your husband is? You think while watching kids there's even a chance to screw around?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would and have reached out to dads for a playdate. They were not stay-at-home dads, I just knew that they tended to be the parent to take the kid to the park on weekends.

BUT - and it is a big but - this would be for a playdate in the park, in the open, or an activity. I would not invite them to the house where the dad and I would be the only adults. If there were two women or someone else, fine. But not the two of us in the house. I'm uncomfortable with that.

Wow. This makes it sound like you're a tween or teen and wouldn't be able to control yourself being "alone" with someone of the opposite sex. I'm sorry but this is very odd

OP

Yeah, +1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you in DC Metro Dads?

http://dcmetrodads.com/index.php

OP

I did look into the Metro Dads scene at first, bit didn't pursue it because it's didn't seem like a good fit for me and my circumstances. No one was close by, they had younger kids, with the mine Pre and ES school scheduling was going to be tricky. I didn't consider the support in the forums... as I'm seeing here in DCUM, can be great resource.

But I'd tell everyone considering the SAHD to check out DC Metro Dads!