Stay at home Dad: My kids not accepted?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WOHM with SAHH here. Wow, the haters are out tonight!

There might be some people who don't hang with my DH and kids because they are weirded out by him not being a published author or whatever the hell. Good riddance, if that's how they judge people. He does all right without such assholes. As for the people who are incapable of having male friends because they are married to other people, well, their sexism is clear right there in the "your kitchens." The kitchen is way more DH's than it is mine!

OP, that said I wouldn't blame the SAHD factor for your situation entirely. Unless you live in a particularly judgmental slice of society I'm not privy to, IME there aren't THAT many people who are creeped out by it.

+1. But note that the PP who talked about hanging out in the kitchen completely missed the boat. It doesn't sound like OP has a problem getting people to come over to his house, he has a problem getting people to invite him to theirs.

And I agree, that is less likely to be about him being a SAHD.

Though, if your kids are friends with some of these bitchy moms' kids, definitely try to branch out more! These people suck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll be honest and take the backlash:
My kids friends (under 5, so that is relevant) are largely children of my friends. Whether we were friends first, or I encouraged friendships versus others because i had something in common with the parent.
At this age, the kids play and I talk to the parent.
I am not coming over to your house and hanging out with your husband for a couple hours. I'm sure he's very nice and a great guy/father, but I'm just not making small talk with him in your kitchens over coffee and muffins.

+1

This. Im sorry but i will also add that its creepy.

Huh? how?

Yes, I am not hanging out in your house basically alone with your husband in your kitchen making small talk for a couple hours while the kids play in the playroom on the second floor.
That's really and truly great that you would not only be awesome in that situation but actually choose to do it on a semi regular basis, but some people are not.
Acting confused about why that could be awkward is ridiculous.

Awkward is not the same thing as creepy, though. I can see how it would be awkward for some people. But saying it's creepy is way out of line. Would it also be creepy to hang out with a lesbian mom in that situation?

pp here.
Agree with you, awkward but not creepy.
Lesbian mom, we're good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It has nothing to do with setting a bad example as a role model.

A friend of mine is a guy who is a lawyer. His wife is also a lawyer. They have two kids. She is the breadwinner for the family and he is the stay at home parent. It's because he has more patience with the kids. That's the simple reason. While home he has written several published articles and is writing a book. He builds a lot of things by hand (costumes for his kids, toys for them, etc).

But I have also known two SAHD's who were such because they couldn't hack working full time. And although I'm sure those two are totally fine parents, I hesitate to encourage a friendship in a family with someone who couldn't hack it in the work world. Men always feel like they have to give a reason why they're the stay at home parent, whereas women don't. So maybe some women can't hack it in the work world either. But they aren't saying that, and then men are more likely to. And that weirds me out, to be honest.

So basically you are okay with a SAHD as long as he is a published author and a master carpenter and tailor. But SAHM you give a pass, bc that's the woman's role. SAHD who act like typical SAHM are 'weird' -- and you construct this whole story about them not hacking it in the working world where many many SAHM talk about how they couldn't balance work and parenting just like these SAHDs.

So OP it sounds like the exact phenomenon you describe is at work here, unless you can show the receipt for an advance from your publisher?

Eh, I wouldn't get so dramatic and take this so far, PP.
I have a friend in a situation like this, and knowing she is slaving away at a job she hates because her husband needed to find himself and is carving trinkets in their shed to sell on etsy, makes me not want to entrust my children to him for hours at a time under his questionable judgement and supervision. Especially when I have 10 other playmates to choose from, no, he is not at the top of my list.

Switch the genders. Would you feel the same way?

So I'm a SAHd hanging out with someone else's wife whose marriage is falling apart?
Same answer.

are you being purposefully dense?

no, you're you (if you are one of the people who has trouble making friends with opposite-gendered people, then go ahead and make yourself the opposite gender too, but it is irrelevant what your particular occupation is, because the point is the judgment you are bestowing on others here).

Your friend is a dude, slaving away at a job he hates because his wife needed to find herself and is carving trinkets in their shed to sell on etsy (or if yo'ud like to make it more stereotypical, crocheting?). Would you question her judgment or supervision?

Yes, if she was as big of an idiot as he is, yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WOHM with SAHH here. Wow, the haters are out tonight!

There might be some people who don't hang with my DH and kids because they are weirded out by him not being a published author or whatever the hell. Good riddance, if that's how they judge people. He does all right without such assholes. As for the people who are incapable of having male friends because they are married to other people, well, their sexism is clear right there in the "your kitchens." The kitchen is way more DH's than it is mine!

OP, that said I wouldn't blame the SAHD factor for your situation entirely. Unless you live in a particularly judgmental slice of society I'm not privy to, IME there aren't THAT many people who are creeped out by it.

+1. But note that the PP who talked about hanging out in the kitchen completely missed the boat. It doesn't sound like OP has a problem getting people to come over to his house, he has a problem getting people to invite him to theirs.

And I agree, that is less likely to be about him being a SAHD.

Though, if your kids are friends with some of these bitchy moms' kids, definitely try to branch out more! These people suck.

How many SAHDs have you invited over in the past few months?
Zero. Absolute zero.
Funny how none of you save one has actually said you have invited a man over for a play date, yet calling everyone else out for saying it wouldn't be their first choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll be honest and take the backlash:
My kids friends (under 5, so that is relevant) are largely children of my friends. Whether we were friends first, or I encouraged friendships versus others because i had something in common with the parent.
At this age, the kids play and I talk to the parent.
I am not coming over to your house and hanging out with your husband for a couple hours. I'm sure he's very nice and a great guy/father, but I'm just not making small talk with him in your kitchens over coffee and muffins.

+1

This. Im sorry but i will also add that its creepy.

Huh? how?

Yes, I am not hanging out in your house basically alone with your husband in your kitchen making small talk for a couple hours while the kids play in the playroom on the second floor.
That's really and truly great that you would not only be awesome in that situation but actually choose to do it on a semi regular basis, but some people are not.
Acting confused about why that could be awkward is ridiculous.

Awkward is not the same thing as creepy, though. I can see how it would be awkward for some people. But saying it's creepy is way out of line. Would it also be creepy to hang out with a lesbian mom in that situation?

pp here.
Agree with you, awkward but not creepy.
Lesbian mom, we're good.

See, here's the thing - there are probably women that I would feel awkward being 1 on 1 around with while the kids played. Same with some men. We just might not have anything to talk about. It's kind of hard to think of people as individuals but I'd like to think we've reached the point where most people can actually do that. I bet most of you could hang out with my husband for a couple of hours. He's a children's music educator and very disarming. Guess what though? If you're a mom and you have a kid and this dad does too, ESPECIALLY if your occupation of SAHP is the same, I bet you can find a few things to talk about if you open your mind just a TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENY bit

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll be honest and take the backlash:
My kids friends (under 5, so that is relevant) are largely children of my friends. Whether we were friends first, or I encouraged friendships versus others because i had something in common with the parent.
At this age, the kids play and I talk to the parent.
I am not coming over to your house and hanging out with your husband for a couple hours. I'm sure he's very nice and a great guy/father, but I'm just not making small talk with him in your kitchens over coffee and muffins.

DH and I both WOH but I would venture a guess that this honest (thank you) OP reflects the vast majority of people you are dealing with. So sorry that you have to deal with this, OP, especially because DH is contemplating being a SAHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WOHM with SAHH here. Wow, the haters are out tonight!

There might be some people who don't hang with my DH and kids because they are weirded out by him not being a published author or whatever the hell. Good riddance, if that's how they judge people. He does all right without such assholes. As for the people who are incapable of having male friends because they are married to other people, well, their sexism is clear right there in the "your kitchens." The kitchen is way more DH's than it is mine!

OP, that said I wouldn't blame the SAHD factor for your situation entirely. Unless you live in a particularly judgmental slice of society I'm not privy to, IME there aren't THAT many people who are creeped out by it.

+1. But note that the PP who talked about hanging out in the kitchen completely missed the boat. It doesn't sound like OP has a problem getting people to come over to his house, he has a problem getting people to invite him to theirs.

And I agree, that is less likely to be about him being a SAHD.

Though, if your kids are friends with some of these bitchy moms' kids, definitely try to branch out more! These people suck.

How many SAHDs have you invited over in the past few months?
Zero. Absolute zero.
Funny how none of you save one has actually said you have invited a man over for a play date, yet calling everyone else out for saying it wouldn't be their first choice.

that's only because they are still relatively rare. Not because they are all sexists like you.

Do you judge everyone by their conformity to gender expectations before deciding to befriend them or their children? or just men?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll be honest and take the backlash:
My kids friends (under 5, so that is relevant) are largely children of my friends. Whether we were friends first, or I encouraged friendships versus others because i had something in common with the parent.
At this age, the kids play and I talk to the parent.
I am not coming over to your house and hanging out with your husband for a couple hours. I'm sure he's very nice and a great guy/father, but I'm just not making small talk with him in your kitchens over coffee and muffins.

DH and I both WOH but I would venture a guess that this honest (thank you) OP reflects the vast majority of people you are dealing with. So sorry that you have to deal with this, OP, especially because DH is contemplating being a SAHD.

WOHM with SAHH again. Please get him in touch with the DC-area SAHD group to talk about how common this ACTUALLY is. Don't make such a big family level decision based on a random internet post that confirmed your fears.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WOHM with SAHH here. Wow, the haters are out tonight!

There might be some people who don't hang with my DH and kids because they are weirded out by him not being a published author or whatever the hell. Good riddance, if that's how they judge people. He does all right without such assholes. As for the people who are incapable of having male friends because they are married to other people, well, their sexism is clear right there in the "your kitchens." The kitchen is way more DH's than it is mine!

OP, that said I wouldn't blame the SAHD factor for your situation entirely. Unless you live in a particularly judgmental slice of society I'm not privy to, IME there aren't THAT many people who are creeped out by it.

+1. But note that the PP who talked about hanging out in the kitchen completely missed the boat. It doesn't sound like OP has a problem getting people to come over to his house, he has a problem getting people to invite him to theirs.

And I agree, that is less likely to be about him being a SAHD.

Though, if your kids are friends with some of these bitchy moms' kids, definitely try to branch out more! These people suck.

How many SAHDs have you invited over in the past few months?
Zero. Absolute zero.
Funny how none of you save one has actually said you have invited a man over for a play date, yet calling everyone else out for saying it wouldn't be their first choice.

But you are talking hypothetically too. Are you saying you have actually NOT invited a specific man over for a play date BECAUSE he was a man, when that man had previously invited you for a play date and you had accepted it and had a good time? That is the scenario OP is positing, and I haven't seen a single person actually say they have experience with it.

The fact is that I don't know any/many SAHDs. But I have no doubt I would not have any problem with it and would probably bend over backwards to include him in stuff (I know that could come off as condescending and probably annoying too, OP, sorry). I do a fair number of playdates where both DH and I go hang out, too.

I don't happen to be in a place where my local male close friends have kids my age. But if they did, I would do play dates with them, no question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll be honest and take the backlash:
My kids friends (under 5, so that is relevant) are largely children of my friends. Whether we were friends first, or I encouraged friendships versus others because i had something in common with the parent.
At this age, the kids play and I talk to the parent.
I am not coming over to your house and hanging out with your husband for a couple hours. I'm sure he's very nice and a great guy/father, but I'm just not making small talk with him in your kitchens over coffee and muffins.

DH and I both WOH but I would venture a guess that this honest (thank you) OP reflects the vast majority of people you are dealing with. So sorry that you have to deal with this, OP, especially because DH is contemplating being a SAHD.

this makes no sense. OP had successful play dates at his own house, just isn't getting hosted in return. If these ladies don't want to hang out in HIS kitchen with muffins, they wouldn't have accepted the initial playdate, presumably. So something else is going on.

[Anonymous]

I wouldnt send my child to your house alone. Flame away...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll be honest and take the backlash:
My kids friends (under 5, so that is relevant) are largely children of my friends. Whether we were friends first, or I encouraged friendships versus others because i had something in common with the parent.
At this age, the kids play and I talk to the parent.
I am not coming over to your house and hanging out with your husband for a couple hours. I'm sure he's very nice and a great guy/father, but I'm just not making small talk with him in your kitchens over coffee and muffins.

DH and I both WOH but I would venture a guess that this honest (thank you) OP reflects the vast majority of people you are dealing with. So sorry that you have to deal with this, OP, especially because DH is contemplating being a SAHD.

this makes no sense. OP had successful play dates at his own house, just isn't getting hosted in return. If these ladies don't want to hang out in HIS kitchen with muffins, they wouldn't have accepted the initial playdate, presumably. So something else is going on.

He could be inappropriate with them and not realize it or he could just be socially awkward. A lot easier to bail out of a playdate early at another persons house, than your own

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll be honest and take the backlash:
My kids friends (under 5, so that is relevant) are largely children of my friends. Whether we were friends first, or I encouraged friendships versus others because i had something in common with the parent.
At this age, the kids play and I talk to the parent.
I am not coming over to your house and hanging out with your husband for a couple hours. I'm sure he's very nice and a great guy/father, but I'm just not making small talk with him in your kitchens over coffee and muffins.

DH and I both WOH but I would venture a guess that this honest (thank you) OP reflects the vast majority of people you are dealing with. So sorry that you have to deal with this, OP, especially because DH is contemplating being a SAHD.

this makes no sense. OP had successful play dates at his own house, just isn't getting hosted in return. If these ladies don't want to hang out in HIS kitchen with muffins, they wouldn't have accepted the initial playdate, presumably. So something else is going on.

He could be inappropriate with them and not realize it or he could just be socially awkward. A lot easier to bail out of a playdate early at another persons house, than your own

If true, none of this has to do with him being a SAHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldnt send my child to your house alone. Flame away...

Thanks for another completely irrelevant post, since OP said that he hosts plenty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi,

Have two smart/no-issue children, and it seems to be going nowhere, trying to get the kids regular friends/playmates. Though they have regular friends at school, there is little response and follow up play dates after we invite other kids over. All the the kids have fun, but we're hosting 4 times as many as others - some have never invited over to their homes, even after many visits to ours! Both of my children have told me they are lonely, the youngest especially.

No one has ever said anything to me, about me or my kids, to have an idea what's going on here. Is it a rejecting the stay at home dad as setting bad example for male role model? Are parents lazy and happy to freeload on me? Anyone have any other ideas?

If someone is comfortable with you hosting a playdate with their children, they probably don't have a problem with you as a SAHD. Likely they are not hosting your kids back for all the usual reasons: they are busy, they only have time to host their child's closest friends, their kids are busy with extracurriculars, they hate hosting playdates, etc. etc. It probably would give you an edge if you were a mom, you'd be more likely to have common ground with the other parent (assuming they are all moms), and they'd be more inclined to have you over so they could have social time with you while the kids play. But well, it is what it is. Just keep trying! As a SAHM, I had some SAHD friends (since moved away), and of all of the husbands they were among the easiest to talk to as they could relate to my life very well