Stay at home Dad: My kids not accepted?

[Anonymous]

I'll be honest and take the backlash:
My kids friends (under 5, so that is relevant) are largely children of my friends. Whether we were friends first, or I encouraged friendships versus others because i had something in common with the parent.
At this age, the kids play and I talk to the parent.
I am not coming over to your house and hanging out with your husband for a couple hours. I'm sure he's very nice and a great guy/father, but I'm just not making small talk with him in your kitchens over coffee and muffins.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes it's you; sometimes it's not.

If you had SN kids, you'd probably be doing most of the hosting/asking.

Like the SAHM who is overwhelmingly the initiator--sometimes people are lazy or have other things going on that they can't reciprocate.

I wouldn't worry too much about it. Keep on keeping on.

[Anonymous]

We have a tiny house that is always under some kind of renovation. Very hard to host.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It has nothing to do with setting a bad example as a role model.

A friend of mine is a guy who is a lawyer. His wife is also a lawyer. They have two kids. She is the breadwinner for the family and he is the stay at home parent. It's because he has more patience with the kids. That's the simple reason. While home he has written several published articles and is writing a book. He builds a lot of things by hand (costumes for his kids, toys for them, etc).

But I have also known two SAHD's who were such because they couldn't hack working full time. And although I'm sure those two are totally fine parents, I hesitate to encourage a friendship in a family with someone who couldn't hack it in the work world. Men always feel like they have to give a reason why they're the stay at home parent, whereas women don't. So maybe some women can't hack it in the work world either. But they aren't saying that, and then men are more likely to. And that weirds me out, to be honest.

So basically you are okay with a SAHD as long as he is a published author and a master carpenter and tailor. But SAHM you give a pass, bc that's the woman's role. SAHD who act like typical SAHM are 'weird' -- and you construct this whole story about them not hacking it in the working world where many many SAHM talk about how they couldn't balance work and parenting just like these SAHDs.

So OP it sounds like the exact phenomenon you describe is at work here, unless you can show the receipt for an advance from your publisher?

Eh, I wouldn't get so dramatic and take this so far, PP.
I have a friend in a situation like this, and knowing she is slaving away at a job she hates because her husband needed to find himself and is carving trinkets in their shed to sell on etsy, makes me not want to entrust my children to him for hours at a time under his questionable judgement and supervision. Especially when I have 10 other playmates to choose from, no, he is not at the top of my list.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it is because you are a SAHD. Maybe you are just not a friendship fit with these other parents. My husband and I both WOH, but he definitely doesn't socialize as well with the parents of our kids' friends as I do. He tends to talk a lot about his job, which no one is really interested in. He's a great guy, and is really good with kids - our kids' friends love him, the parents not as much.

[Anonymous]

We both work outside the home and I find it difficult to host play dates. There is so much to get done on the weekend that I don't have energy to host play dates. Although we do have neighbor kids over pretty frequently, because I can send them home easily when we all hit our limit.

DS has a friend who's divorced dad often invites DS for play dates. I know my dh gets a bit uncomfortable, so I try to keep it to a minimum. I'd love to reciprocate, but his kid is really high energy and I don't know if I could handle him, plus see above.

[Anonymous]

I am also a SAHM and I would say it is also 10:1. I find people are glad to come over, but don't want to reciprocate. I can only speculate for reasons. It is more trouble to invite a playmate over. They have 2 kids and they play together fine and don't need anyone else to play with. They don't understand reciprocation. I have at least 2 acquaintances who I've invited the family or child over dozens of times and I think my child has been over twice, and for one family we have invited the family to do about 5 or 6 things (we pay or provide equipment) and they never invite our family to do anything. I know one family lives in the basement of another family, we don't expect them to invite my kid over and I'm always happy to have that kid come play with my kids.

So if it is only 4:1, you are doing quite well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a tiny house that is always under some kind of renovation. Very hard to host.

OK how tiny is tiny? We have a house which is 1040 sqft + basement. I host all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It has nothing to do with setting a bad example as a role model.

A friend of mine is a guy who is a lawyer. His wife is also a lawyer. They have two kids. She is the breadwinner for the family and he is the stay at home parent. It's because he has more patience with the kids. That's the simple reason. While home he has written several published articles and is writing a book. He builds a lot of things by hand (costumes for his kids, toys for them, etc).

But I have also known two SAHD's who were such because they couldn't hack working full time. And although I'm sure those two are totally fine parents, I hesitate to encourage a friendship in a family with someone who couldn't hack it in the work world. Men always feel like they have to give a reason why they're the stay at home parent, whereas women don't. So maybe some women can't hack it in the work world either. But they aren't saying that, and then men are more likely to. And that weirds me out, to be honest.

So basically you are okay with a SAHD as long as he is a published author and a master carpenter and tailor. But SAHM you give a pass, bc that's the woman's role. SAHD who act like typical SAHM are 'weird' -- and you construct this whole story about them not hacking it in the working world where many many SAHM talk about how they couldn't balance work and parenting just like these SAHDs.

So OP it sounds like the exact phenomenon you describe is at work here, unless you can show the receipt for an advance from your publisher?

Eh, I wouldn't get so dramatic and take this so far, PP.
I have a friend in a situation like this, and knowing she is slaving away at a job she hates because her husband needed to find himself and is carving trinkets in their shed to sell on etsy, makes me not want to entrust my children to him for hours at a time under his questionable judgement and supervision. Especially when I have 10 other playmates to choose from, no, he is not at the top of my list.

But the SAHM who actually has no work outlet at all, but instead had a life plan of finding a rich husband (and many men hate their jobs too) is fine?

Again, you are part of the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It has nothing to do with setting a bad example as a role model.

A friend of mine is a guy who is a lawyer. His wife is also a lawyer. They have two kids. She is the breadwinner for the family and he is the stay at home parent. It's because he has more patience with the kids. That's the simple reason. While home he has written several published articles and is writing a book. He builds a lot of things by hand (costumes for his kids, toys for them, etc).

But I have also known two SAHD's who were such because they couldn't hack working full time. And although I'm sure those two are totally fine parents, I hesitate to encourage a friendship in a family with someone who couldn't hack it in the work world. Men always feel like they have to give a reason why they're the stay at home parent, whereas women don't. So maybe some women can't hack it in the work world either. But they aren't saying that, and then men are more likely to. And that weirds me out, to be honest.

So basically you are okay with a SAHD as long as he is a published author and a master carpenter and tailor. But SAHM you give a pass, bc that's the woman's role. SAHD who act like typical SAHM are 'weird' -- and you construct this whole story about them not hacking it in the working world where many many SAHM talk about how they couldn't balance work and parenting just like these SAHDs.

So OP it sounds like the exact phenomenon you describe is at work here, unless you can show the receipt for an advance from your publisher?

Eh, I wouldn't get so dramatic and take this so far, PP.
I have a friend in a situation like this, and knowing she is slaving away at a job she hates because her husband needed to find himself and is carving trinkets in their shed to sell on etsy, makes me not want to entrust my children to him for hours at a time under his questionable judgement and supervision. Especially when I have 10 other playmates to choose from, no, he is not at the top of my list.

But the SAHM who actually has no work outlet at all, but instead had a life plan of finding a rich husband (and many men hate their jobs too) is fine?

Again, you are part of the problem.

You are assuming that the SAHM quit her job and dumped the finances solely on the husband who hates his job, per my very specific answer about a situation I am personally aware of the dynamics.
That's a problem for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It has nothing to do with setting a bad example as a role model.

A friend of mine is a guy who is a lawyer. His wife is also a lawyer. They have two kids. She is the breadwinner for the family and he is the stay at home parent. It's because he has more patience with the kids. That's the simple reason. While home he has written several published articles and is writing a book. He builds a lot of things by hand (costumes for his kids, toys for them, etc).

But I have also known two SAHD's who were such because they couldn't hack working full time. And although I'm sure those two are totally fine parents, I hesitate to encourage a friendship in a family with someone who couldn't hack it in the work world. Men always feel like they have to give a reason why they're the stay at home parent, whereas women don't. So maybe some women can't hack it in the work world either. But they aren't saying that, and then men are more likely to. And that weirds me out, to be honest.

So basically you are okay with a SAHD as long as he is a published author and a master carpenter and tailor. But SAHM you give a pass, bc that's the woman's role. SAHD who act like typical SAHM are 'weird' -- and you construct this whole story about them not hacking it in the working world where many many SAHM talk about how they couldn't balance work and parenting just like these SAHDs.

So OP it sounds like the exact phenomenon you describe is at work here, unless you can show the receipt for an advance from your publisher?

Eh, I wouldn't get so dramatic and take this so far, PP.
I have a friend in a situation like this, and knowing she is slaving away at a job she hates because her husband needed to find himself and is carving trinkets in their shed to sell on etsy, makes me not want to entrust my children to him for hours at a time under his questionable judgement and supervision. Especially when I have 10 other playmates to choose from, no, he is not at the top of my list.

But the SAHM who actually has no work outlet at all, but instead had a life plan of finding a rich husband (and many men hate their jobs too) is fine?

Again, you are part of the problem.

You are assuming that the SAHM quit her job and dumped the finances solely on the husband who hates his job, per my very specific answer about a situation I am personally aware of the dynamics.
That's a problem for you.

This board is riddled with relationships like that with the mom unilaterally quitting but whatever, you can pretend it's different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a tiny house that is always under some kind of renovation. Very hard to host.

OK how tiny is tiny? We have a house which is 1040 sqft + basement. I host all the time.

850 square feet, no basement (have one, finally renovating but the rest of the house is a mess due to storage). Your house is basically twice as large as ours. Our living room is tiny. Kids rooms are tiny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a SAHM and we host 10:1. We rarely get invited to people's homes but if I do the inviting, kids come over (mostly drop off). I would not care if child's parent were a SAHM, SAHD or working parents.

Hi Anon - glad to hear you wouldn't discriminate.

Wow! 10:1... what gives with this one-sided playdate phenomenon?

I have actually posted about this very same topic a year or so ago. We have a pretty large house and I keep a clean home. DH likes an immaculate home so our floors are pretty spotless. I think some people may not feel comfortable inviting us over because their house isn't as clean? I am not sure. I stopped wondering and it has stopped bothering me. My children have very active social lives and people seem to enjoy our company, just no in their homes. We get invited to a lot of outings outside the home (playgrounds, movies, Cox Farms, etc).

OP

Oh, can you direct me to that thread? I'd love to read it.

PP here. I found my old thread. I stopped working right around the same time that I posted this thread.

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/468296.page

[Anonymous]

I don't think you being a SAHD has anything to do with it. Honestly, I think people are just busy, and it's easier to rely on others to make plans and invite their kids over, rather than do things for themselves.

Perhaps their kids are busier, too, particularly if they are in daycare or aftercare situations that keep them away from home and in more social situations throughout the day than yours are, so they don't see as much of a need to prioritize playdates outside of those times, particularly if they themselves want one-on-one time with the kids at those times.

How old are your kids? Maybe you could get them involved in some group activities or start up a regular play group if that would provide more consistency and if they really want more social options. I'm a SAHM and am frequently the one who is responsible for arranging most of the playdates we do (rather than accepting invitations) even with other SAHP families, so it might be partially personality and what level of interest different people have in social engagement. People may also not be in great situations for having playdates at their homes -- it's messy, it's small, there's a baby sibling, whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It has nothing to do with setting a bad example as a role model.

A friend of mine is a guy who is a lawyer. His wife is also a lawyer. They have two kids. She is the breadwinner for the family and he is the stay at home parent. It's because he has more patience with the kids. That's the simple reason. While home he has written several published articles and is writing a book. He builds a lot of things by hand (costumes for his kids, toys for them, etc).

But I have also known two SAHD's who were such because they couldn't hack working full time. And although I'm sure those two are totally fine parents, I hesitate to encourage a friendship in a family with someone who couldn't hack it in the work world. Men always feel like they have to give a reason why they're the stay at home parent, whereas women don't. So maybe some women can't hack it in the work world either. But they aren't saying that, and then men are more likely to. And that weirds me out, to be honest.

So basically you are okay with a SAHD as long as he is a published author and a master carpenter and tailor. But SAHM you give a pass, bc that's the woman's role. SAHD who act like typical SAHM are 'weird' -- and you construct this whole story about them not hacking it in the working world where many many SAHM talk about how they couldn't balance work and parenting just like these SAHDs.

So OP it sounds like the exact phenomenon you describe is at work here, unless you can show the receipt for an advance from your publisher?

Eh, I wouldn't get so dramatic and take this so far, PP.
I have a friend in a situation like this, and knowing she is slaving away at a job she hates because her husband needed to find himself and is carving trinkets in their shed to sell on etsy, makes me not want to entrust my children to him for hours at a time under his questionable judgement and supervision. Especially when I have 10 other playmates to choose from, no, he is not at the top of my list.

Switch the genders. Would you feel the same way?